


next to me

by seoktothegyu



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Violence, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Exchanging Emails, Flirting, Fluff, M/M, Slow Burn, not the usual badboy!brian and nerd!jae concept like the mv trilogy, or maybe it actually is lmao we’ll see, sungpildo as a rowdy and funny trio
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:42:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 126,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25731553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seoktothegyu/pseuds/seoktothegyu
Summary: Right at the start of senior year, Jae gets paired to work on a project with the new transfer student. He normally wants to work alone, as he despises groupworks with a burning passion, but the rumors he heard of them do nothing to ease his worries.Kicked out of his old private school, has violent tendencies, and is now under juvenile probation.Jae already has enough problems to deal with. He doesn’t need a partner who relentlessly flirts with him instead of making himself useful during their project meetings.
Relationships: Kang Younghyun | Young K/Park Jaehyung | Jae
Comments: 174
Kudos: 227
Collections: Day6 OTPs





	1. i got no innocence, faith ain’t no privilege

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SnowflakesInAugust](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnowflakesInAugust/gifts), [eajwrites](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eajwrites/gifts).



> For my dear friends.
> 
> Main and chapter titles are lyrics from Imagine Dragon’s Next to Me. Give it a listen if you haven’t yet, it’s beautiful :)
> 
> And for those of you who've noticed, my multichaps have certain and specific details on them (the news articles in secrets, the AU screenshots in afterglow, etc.). As for this one, it's the emails between jae and brian. So I wanted to make sure that the email "interface" within the paragraphs stands out but is also simple and easy to read. I made my own work skin and tried different styles for days until I settled on one I'm pleased with. Hopefully, you'll see what I mean when you get to those parts haha 
> 
> (unfortunately however, it only works within the site. the formatting doesn’t work when you download the .epub/.pdf version of the fic)
> 
> Anyways, hope you like it! <3
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/jaesbrivilege)
> 
> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this story are either products of my imagination or are used fictitiously.

Jae makes it into the doors of their school just in time as the first drops of rain start kissing the pavement. He thanks the heavens for showing him mercy as he has already walked a few good meters away from their house before he realized he forgot to bring an umbrella. 

Shaking off the wetness from the tips of his jet black hair and taking off his gold-colored wire-framed glasses to wipe them dry, Jae starts heading to his locker. 

And it’s when he’s rounded the corner to that hallway does he find three familiar faces standing around and chatting.

Fixing his bag straps firmly on his shoulders, he tells them as soon as he’s near, “You were all waiting for me? I’m touched.” His tone is dripping with sarcasm, teasing and playful.

“No, you weirdo.” His friend Wonpil counters, leaning against the row of lockers as Jae opens his to retrieve his English textbook. “We were actually worried because you never go to school this late.”

“Late?” Jae repeats, checking the time on his black leather wristwatch that’s a special gift from his mom. “There’s still a few minutes left before the first bell, what are you talking about?”

“What Wonpil means is that,” Dowoon starts to clarify, “you usually arrive thirty minutes before class. So we were afraid that… you know, your dad was in a mood again or something.”

Jae feels warmth spread through his chest after hearing those words. He’s not an outwardly affectionate person himself, but he still appreciates receiving it from his three best friends.

“Oh, no. It’s fine. I’m fine.” He’s quick to assure them. With a heavy sigh, he continues, “It was actually my mom. Her legs were hurting again this morning.”

“But I thought everything’s alright after her last physical checkup?” Sungjin asks with a frown, concerned. 

“We thought so too.” Jae replies, scratching his left eyebrow in mild frustration. “But apparently, half or most of the pain she’s currently experiencing are psychosomatic.”

“What does that mean?” Wonpil curiously asks.

It’s Dowoon who answers him. “It means that the pain is psychological. It’s either brought about by stress, trauma, or something else along those lines of internal conflict.”

“How do you know that?” Jae cocks an eyebrow in questioning, impressed by their youngest friend’s knowledge.

Dowoon shrugs as if it’s nothing. “I sometimes read medical articles in bed before sleeping.”

Sungjin fondly shakes his head at Dowoon. “As expected of our local prodigy.”

Jae nods, agreeing. “I’m kind of relieved that you’re not in the same year with the rest of us.” He admits, patting his friend on the shoulder. “Or else I’ll have to compete with you for valedictorian. And I’ll most probably lose.”

“Oh, please.” Wonpil snorts at Jae’s words. “I know we’re only two weeks into senior year but without a doubt, you already have that title in the bag. Try to loosen up! It’s our last year together.”

Jae gives him a tired smile as he reminds his friend, “Well I don’t have another choice in the matter, do I? I can’t exactly slack off or else…” he finishes by throwing a fake punch towards his own gut.

Sungjin clicks his tongue at that. “Is your father hurting you again?” His eyes worriedly flit over Jae’s features, looking for something. “I thought I made you promise to tell us every time it happens.”

Jae guesses he’s looking for bruises like usual. Sungjin is always the one who somehow notices whenever he goes to school after enduring a beating the night before. He’s often pulling Jae to one of the bathrooms to ask how he’s feeling with barely contained anger, offering to finally call the cops on Jae’s father. But his understanding of his friend’s home situation is the thing that also stops him from doing so. And because Jae himself once begged his friends, with tears streaming down his face, not to do anything about it.

Jae has long promised himself to just take it all in because he can never leave his mother alone in his father’s care. Every smack, every punch, and every slap, he told himself to endure it all, to let himself be his father’s punching bag. 

He figures it’s better this way. Because then, his father has finally stopped laying a hand on his poor and helpless mother too. If he does everything his father asks him to—stay on top of his class, be the “perfect son”, and never talk back nor complain—that keeps him happy. 

And if his father is happy, this means that Jae can keep his mother safe. 

That’s the thing he’s been worrying about these days. But it hasn’t always been that way though.

Ever since his mother got into a car accident three years ago, wherein a drunk driver ran her over and effectively and permanently rendering her legs pretty much paralyzed, Jae’s life at home has never been the same. 

For the first few months after the accident, his father has been nothing but sweet and caring. He was always encouraging her and promising that in due time, she will completely heal as if nothing happened. To the point that he was almost obsessively caring for her.

But it was after that overall checkup after her recuperation period where they found out she will never walk again that Jae’s father’s behavior started changing. 

He started drinking more, lashing out whenever Jae’s mom would tell him to stop, and always seeming dissatisfied with whatever Jae does in his life. 

Their financial situation drastically changed as well. Coming from a two-person working class household then immediately shifting into all of them depending on one salary alone, Jae’s father felt like he deserved playing dictator at their home. 

Jae can’t completely blame him though. He knows how hard his father worked to get him and his wife from Korea to move all the way here to this tiny town in North Carolina in the hopes of finding better opportunities. He had a lot of plans and dreams for their family. And, in his perspective, that accident that sent his wife on a wheelchair for the rest of her life ruined all of that.

Now, he’s putting all of that pressure under his son’s shoulders. Jae’s father is vicariously achieving his dreams through his son. He wants Jae to be perfect. Get the best grades to be able to get into the best universities, succeed and graduate in the most in-demand course, and work his way to the top so that he can give all of his earnings back to his parents.

There’s no room for even a minor slip up in Jae’s part. Every correct answer away from having a perfect grade is equivalent to one slap, punch, or smack. There’s no dating allowed either, “as girls are good for nothing but distractions”, as he always told Jae. 

As if he himself hugely regrets getting his wife pregnant, and therefore having Jae, at the age of nineteen.

Another reason why Jae never came out to his parents for being gay. He doesn’t even want to know the lengths his father would go to just to “correct” him. 

After mastering the “perfect son” image, he doesn’t get beat up as often as before. The last time it happened was more than two months and a half ago and Jae intends to keep that streak going—it’s the longest he’s ever had, actually. 

And so for the last three years, every time he got hurt, the thought of graduating high school and finally being able to leave that house is what keeps him going. 

Then ultimately, he would feel guilty for thinking that because what about his mom? He can’t just leave her. Who’s going to protect her when he’s finally escaped in college?

And it’s not like he never convinced his mother to finally leave his father. During that first year after the accident, Jae kept begging her every night. But alas, his mother is still in love with his father, still sees him as the man who swept her off her feet all those years ago. And that his mother promised to never give up on her husband, believing that all of this emotional, mental, and physical abuse are just a product of insurmountable stress. 

Now that he has less than a year left of school, the thought about staying or leaving has been keeping him up late at night the past few days.

Just this summer, even the mere act of filling out his application forms for college riddled him with such gut-wrenching guilt.

But then that’s his own problem to deal with. No need to trouble his friends about it.

“I’m really fine, Sungjin.” Jae assures him again, looking him straight in the eye to make his friend see his sincerity. “And I’ve been keeping my promise, nothing has happened so far.”

He sees Sungjin’s tense shoulders relaxing.

“Well then let’s keep it that way, shall we?” Mirroring Wonpil’s pose, Sungjin leans against the lockers too with his arms folded across his chest.

“I know.” Jae sighs, nodding his head in agreement. “That’s what I’ve been doing.”

“Oh, speaking of troubled and violent people,” Wonpil starts a bit awkwardly. Jae can tell that the sudden casualness in his tone feels a bit forced, but he really appreciates his friend’s efforts to change the subject of their conversation. They all know that Jae never feels completely comfortable talking about his family. Really, he’s got the most considerate friends ever.

Clearing his throat, Wonpil continues in a conspiratorial tone, “I heard the new senior transfer finally came to school today.”

“The one who got kicked out of that private school from across town?” Dowoon adds, intrigued.

“Yup.” Wonpil confirms, nodding to his friends. “Some people saw him in the admin room earlier, waiting for principal Scott to call him in his office. It’s been two weeks since classes started. I wonder why he’s only attending now?”

“How do the other kids who saw him know that it was really him though?” Sungjin questions Wonpil with a quirk of his sharp brow. 

The four of them are not really huge fans of gossip and rumors but since what that guy did had been the talk of their small town for about a month now, all of them are pretty much aware of what really happened.

“They said the guy still had the same fiery red hair like in the papers, and didn't dye it back to black before coming here.” Wonpil sniggers. “I wonder how that will go over with principal Scott’s ‘i came from the military’ way of running this school.”

Jae shrugs. “Whatever sanction he gets, I’m pretty sure he deserves it. Seriously, I have no patience for people with violent tendencies.”

His friends all nod in agreement. And really, knowing Jae’s perspective and where he’s coming from, they already have a poor impression of their new classmate. Add in the fact that he was absent for the first two weeks of class.

“Anyway, guys,” Dowoon starts, noticing that most of the other students in the hallway are heading to their rooms. “I have to go. It’s almost time and my class is on the other side of the building.”

“Bye, Dowoonie.” Sungjin bids their youngest, reaching over to ruffle the top of his head before letting him go.

“See you later at lunch!” Wonpil calls after him before Dowoon finally rounds the corner.

Wordlessly, the three of them head towards their first period as well. Since this is a small town, the graduating class in their school is even smaller. A thing that is both good and bad.

It’s good because then, him, Sungin, and Wonpil are all under most of the same classes.

And it’s bad, at least in Jae’s opinion, because this means that everyone knows everything that there is to know about each other. Or at least, the things that slip through the cracks. It’s another reason why he hates living here. You can’t do anything wrong in this place.

Normally, Jae would hold his judgment about their new classmate. After all, he’s not too quick to write someone off simply based on what other people are saying about them behind their back.

But the thing is, the guy put his own stepmother into the hospital. It’s really hard to give him the benefit of the doubt.

That being said, as they’re all sitting in their respective seats and waiting for class to start, Jae comes to a startling realization as soon as their new classmate enters the room.

The red in his hair is a sight to behold, stealing everyone’s attention as he leisurely walks in front of the room, oozing with quiet confidence. As if he’s walking on his own runway and that he has all the time in the world.

Unsurprisingly, he barely misses the tardy bell as he hands their English teacher a pink slip.

“Ah, yes. Everyone, this is Brian Kang.” Ms. Watson announces, gesturing with her hand to their new classmate.

Jae has to give it to him. Instead of shying away, he bravely meets all of their gazes; some are curious, others just plain judgmental and calculating. 

This guy is pretty much matching the intensity of their stares and sending it back to them tenfold. Jae would be lying if he said he wasn’t intimidated by those sharp, slanted eyes accentuated by high cheekbones. But he’s also not too proud to admit the fact that this guy is good-looking. Hot, even.

 _Yeah. A hot, rich kid who’s now forced to spend his senior year with the rest of us peasants._ Jae snorts at the idea in his head. _How cliché._

The teacher clears her throat to cut through the sudden heavy yet awkward silence in the air. “You can take a seat now, Brian.”

This is what took Jae so long to realize:

Ever since classes started, the chair by his right has always been unoccupied. You see, since he’s the star student, he’s long decided to lean into that role. And so in every class, he seats in the top row, almost dead center. He’s probably one of the few ones willing to sit there. Even his friends, Sungjin and Wonpil, often choose to sit in the middle or at the very back. They don’t tease him about it though because they all know that during any class, Jae can’t let himself be disturbed. 

He really doesn’t want to miss any word their teachers say. Not if he wants to cause another episode with his father.

Now, since all of the seats are occupied except for this one, Jae has to live with sitting so close to their class delinquent for the rest of the year.

Jae tries not to stare as his classmate sits himself on the chair, dumping his sling bag carelessly on the floor after taking out a worn out notebook and a pencil and slumping forward on the table. To Jae’s disbelief, the guy just starts openly doodling on a random page. A blatant display of not having any plans to listen, or even pretend to listen, to the class.

Jae grits his teeth in annoyance before bringing all of his focus back to their teacher.

This guy is not worth getting any more of his attention. 

“Alright, everyone,” Ms. Watson starts, “as I’ve mentioned over the past couple of weeks, I will be requiring you all to submit at least a fifteen-thousand-worded paper at the end of the year. It’s worth forty percent of your final grade.”

The class gives a collective groan of complaint.

“Now, now,” she tries to appease her students. “I’m not making you all do it alone. I’m not a complete jackass.” She clarifies casually, making them all let out surprised laughters.

Jae himself can’t help but to give out a small chuckle too. Since Ms. Watson is still relatively young, as compared to most of the faculty members in this school, she knows how to match well with her students.

“Oh, don’t tell principal Scott I said that, okay?” She playfully points a warning finger to the rest of them. “I don’t think they say the word ass back in his old military school. Or so he says.”

This caused another round of laughter from them. 

Of all his teachers this year, Ms. Watson is easily claiming the spot of being Jae’s favorite.

He loves her sense of humor. 

Beside him, Jae hears a faint sound of a scoff, unimpressed. Following the direction it came from, his eyes land on his new seatmate, still busy sketching something lazily on his notebook. His posture pretty much screams boredom, but his features betray the rest of him. His forehead is creased in a frown, looking annoyed at the mention of their principal.

Now, he can’t help but be curious about what they talked about in his office this morning. It’s not a secret to the whole school that their principal can be a huge dick who enjoys sitting on his throne. And that he will do everything to stay there, including giving thinly-veiled threats of expulsion to innocent and undeserving students. So if that already were the case for the rest of them, Jae wonders what he must’ve said to Brian, a kid who got kicked out of his old school and on juvenile probation, just to keep him in check.

He’s more than a hundred-percent sure that it’s horrible, given the way Brian reacted to their principal’s name.

Jae doesn’t realize how long he’s been staring until his classmate turns his head to meet his gaze.

_Shit, he caught me._

Brian Kang quirks an eyebrow at him, the gesture both in question and a challenge.

As a response, he quickly averts his eyes, self-consciously fixing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

For the next few minutes, he actively makes himself appear as if he’s hanging on to their teacher’s words in the hopes of convincing the other that it was just an accident. That Jae wasn’t really staring at him. 

Of course, he knows for sure that he was, but his classmate doesn’t need to know that.

“...that is why I’m pairing you off into two for this project.” Ms. Watson’s words register to Jae’s ears a little too late.

Silently cursing himself for not paying attention, he brings out his own notebook and a pen as he waits for their teacher to continue.

“I have spent the entire weekend choosing your partners. I don’t want you to just pair with your closest friends. For this requirement, it is actually more beneficial to all of you if you don’t personally know the other that well.” She shares to the class, leaning her back against the edge of her table. “Since investigative journalism is near and dear to my heart, I wanted to incorporate that in this assignment. In your final paper, I want you to submit to me something that’s akin to a biography of your partner. And no, I don’t want those simple and on-the-surface BS. I really want you all to dig deep, okay?”

She waits for them to give a collective response before explaining further. “And what I mean by that is I want you all to try to get to know your classmate on a more personal level. Find out what motivates them, what certain thoughts keep them up at night, or what their dreams and aspirations are. Learn also their deepest insecurities, proudest moments in life, and the thing that gets them out of bed every morning. I know this may sound easy, but keep in mind that not everyone wants to share all of this with other people. And no, I’m not forcing anyone to open up when they feel uncomfortable about doing so. See, this is where the challenge in the project actually comes in. Work with what you have, be observant, watch what makes your partner tick, laugh, or irritated. The things not being said are usually hard to find, but when you know how to look for them, these tiny details are actually loud and difficult to miss.”

Jae pauses in writing down the instructions for the assignment to ponder about those words. Personally, he still thinks that this project will be a piece of cake for him. Another perk about being the top of their class, everyone acts friendly with him because at some point, they’ll come to Jae for help in solving a math problem or have him explain a complex topic. Plus, he’s also an observant and perceptive person, if he does say so himself. So really, it won’t be hard for his partner to open up to him, whoever that may be.

What he’s curious about though is whether or not his partner will have a hard time reading _him_. Even to his best friends, he’s still at times hesitant to share the things that happened to him and his family. For two whole years, he was able to successfully hide the fact that his own father beats him up. And he has a feeling that maybe, if Sungjin hasn’t started getting suspicious and worried after seeing some of his old bruises, Jae probably still won’t tell the three of them at this point. 

Living with a father like that, he’s long learned not to show any signs of weakness. So really, he feels bad for his partner because they will surely get nothing significant out of him.

But nonetheless, that’s not _his_ problem to deal with.

“I know that fifteen thousand words sound scary and daunting.” Ms. Watson sympathizes, giving them a gentle smile. “This is why at the end of every month, you’ll submit a draft with at least one thousand and five hundred words as progress reports. This way, I can prevent you all from procrastinating until the last possible weeks before the deadline. 1.5k a month, that’s doable, right? That’s just like writing fifty words a day.”

She’s met with heavy silence from the class. 

Jae doesn’t see any problem with the requirement. His father loves to see him on his computer every night anyway, just to make sure that he’s spending his time slaving away with his studies. 

Sadly, he really doesn’t have anything better to do during his free-time. At least with this assignment, he’ll hopefully make a new friend in the process.

“Don’t look so glum, guys.” Their teacher tries to cheer them up. “And, oh, silly me. I forgot to mention that I won’t be giving any other homework for the rest of the year.”

As expected, the entire class lets out a cheer. A series of thank you’s and “you’re the best, Ms. Watson”s are thrown in the air as they celebrate.

Their English teacher flashes them a smile. “So, are we good now? Am I back to all of your good graces?”

They chorus a happy, “Yes, Ms. Watson,” as a response.

“I expect quality submissions at the end of the year, okay? Be perceptive, dig deep, and find your partner’s truth.” She reminds them. “That being said, I think it’s time to announce now whose biography you’re going to write about.”

Jae has already written down a few good ideas on how he can make his biography interesting to ensure he’ll ace the assignment. He sees it as a simple and straightforward thing. Even though this project is worth almost half their grade, he knows this’ll be easy for him. He’s good at stringing words together to form a beautiful piece.

He’s actually relieved because then, he gets one less class to worry about. And one more A+ grade to keep his father from hurting him again.

Maybe God still hasn’t forgotten him after all.

But, as quickly as that thought came, his faith is being challenged once more.

Because as soon as his name leaves their teacher’s mouth, “We have Jae Park…” with him waiting with bated breath to find out who his partner is going to be, it feels like a punch in the gut as she follows it with “and Brian Kang.”

Jae immediately wants to demand for her to reconsider, to change partners, or even volunteer to do a more difficult project alone. He wants to pull all his hair out as he sees that the other guy doesn’t even look up from the notebook even just to see who this Jae Park is, as if he really doesn’t know _or care_ about this assignment.

Of course, in the end Jae does none of those things. He stays rooted in his seat, with his long fingers gripping the edge of his table as his anxiety starts creeping back to his chest and brain. 

_Forty percent of my grade is in the hands of this guy?_ Jae doesn’t want to believe it. _Surely, he’s the type of person who likes to spite others. He seriously won’t let me get anything out of him. Fuck, what do I do?_

Jae turns his head to look at his friends for help, only to feel envious as he sees that both Sungjin and Wonpil seem satisfied with their assigned partners. Running a hand through his hair out of growing frustration, he faces the front again to try to listen as their teacher finishes giving their project instructions. 

But since worry and doubt cloud over his thoughts, Jae returns his gaze to his new partner once again. And instead of what he’s expecting to see—Brian Kang still tuning out the rest of the world as he hunches over his notebook—Jae’s a bit surprised to see that Brian just quietly and hastily ripped out the page that he was so focused on sketching mere minutes ago. He even crumpled it into a ball before dumping it inside his bag.

As his partner, Jae sees this as golden material for his paper. That alone is enough to spark his curiosity. He wants to know what he draws and why he’s so quick to throw it away almost angrily just like that. Then again, Brian really doesn’t strike him as the type to share personal things. Especially not to a stranger like him. 

So for the rest of class, Jae tries and fails to devise concrete plans on how he can go about dealing with his partner. It’s one of the rarest times he doesn’t listen to a word his teacher says because his mind can’t help but fixate on finding a solution to his problem. 

And all the while, after he closes his own notebook, Brian slumps further in his seat, looking drowsy with his head lolling to the side and suspiciously close to falling asleep.

 _God, why him?_ Jae complains in his head.

Ten minutes before the bell rings, Ms. Watson ends her discussion early to give them a short time to talk and get properly acquainted with their partners. 

Jae doesn’t waste any time reaching over to nudge his classmate and stop him from dozing off.

“What do you want?” He had the audacity to look annoyed at Jae.

Jae takes a deep breath to stop whatever not-so-friendly remark he thought of from slipping from his mouth. 

“I’m Jae Park.” He tries to appear unfazed by the intensity of the glare thrown at him. Still, it doesn’t stop him from adjusting his glasses, one of his many nervous ticks. 

Don’t get him wrong though. He isn’t worried about Brian Kang per se. He’s thinking more about how difficult the other is going to be as a partner.

Brian Kang only rolls his eyes at him. “And? I didn’t ask for your name, I asked why you’re bothering me.”

Jae grips the edge of the table again. _He doesn’t even know that I’m his—_

He gives him a disbelieving look before reminding, “We’re supposed to be partners. For this project. That’s worth forty percent of our final grade. Ring any bells?”

Brian’s features only turn more indifferent. “Again, and?”

Jae really wants to pull all his hair out in frustration and it’s getting harder to resist.

Gaping at Brian, he answers, “So we should talk about how we’re going to do this. Set a time that we’re both free to meet after class so we can start writing this goddamn thing.”

This finally pulls a reaction from the other.

“Woah, there, buddy.” An amused smile lifts the corners of his lips. “Watch your language, please. Do you kiss your parents with that pretty mouth?”

Jae ignores the teasing jab. “Meet at the library later after last period?” He goes straight into it, holding the other’s gaze almost daringly.

Brian meets him head-on, mirth unmistakably swirling in his eyes. After a few seconds of their staring contest, the other releases a sigh and looks away.

Jae takes it as a tiny victory until Brian says, “I can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t?”

Leaning back on his chair and shifting his body to face Jae, he sends him a lazy smile. “I have a thing after school.” He splays and spreads his legs wide, appearing oh, so casual and without a care in the world.

Jae wants nothing more than to wipe that smirk off his face.

“Well then, let’s meet during lunch.” He is relentless just as much as Brian is infuriating.

“Can’t either.”

“Why not?” Now Jae can’t help but to let his frustration affect his tone. “Come on, Kang, work with me here. I have to ace this class.”

To this, Brian snorts at him. 

“Of course you do.” He mutters under his breath but Jae hears him still.

“Is that such a bad thing?” He asks rhetorically. “Unlike you, I actually care about school.”

“Oh, please. You don’t know me.”

“I know that you spent three days in a holding cell after beating up your own stepmother. Now your old private school won’t even take you back because you’re on juvenile probation.” Jae retorts. He realizes a second too late that he may have gone too far. Especially after the way Brian’s face hardens at his words.

He leans closer to Jae as he growls, quiet and angry, “You know nothing about what really happened, or what I’ve been through, so you have no right to throw that back at me.”

Jae wants to argue that whether or not his stepmother deserved it, violence is never the answer. After all, he has been in the receiving end of his father’s hurtful words apart from being his own punching bag. So he doesn’t take these things lightly.

However, since he just wants to end this conversation quickly and get on with his day, he backtracks, “Look, Kang, all I want is for your participation in this project. Give me that and I’ll be off your case.” And because no matter how hard he tries, he still really isn’t the “perfect son” his father claims him to be, Jae adds, “Cooperate with me and I won’t tell principal Scott that you’re slacking off. I know he’s supposed to write monthly reports to your juvenile probation officer, right?”

He knows that’s a low-blown threat but at this point, all he cares about is his peace of mind. It’s now his last year in this pretentious school and hopefully in this god-forsaken town, he sure as hell will do everything he can to get out of it. 

Brian looks taken aback by his words. But he quickly schools his face into another cold expression as he regards Jae in a new light. “You’re not as nice and innocent as you look, Park.”

As he’s about to respond, throw Brian’s words back to him and say that he doesn’t know anything about Jae either, the bell finally rings. And just like that, Brian picks up his bag off the floor before standing up to leave. He’s one of the very first students out the door.

He realizes he hasn’t made any headway about scheduling their project meetings. Anxiety makes tiny tingles run under his skin and pushes him to rise off his own chair because his brain won’t stop telling him to fucking do something to solve this.

“Wait, Brian!” Jae scrambles to follow after him. He makes it into the hallway and pushes past the other students until he grabs Brian by the arm, stopping him with a tight grip. “But what about our—”

Brian throws him a withering look before saying, “Library. Five in the afternoon.” 

It’s only then that Jae lets out a heavy breath, relieved. 

“Thank you.” He tells the other.

“Whatever.” Brian curtly replies. “Now fucking let go of me, Park.”

Jae does as he’s told, muttering a quick apology. His partner finally walks away from him again without so much as sparing him another glance. 

Jae watches as most people make a clear path for Brian. And then they’d whisper not-so-quietly behind his back the moment he passes by them.

Jae usually won’t think something out of it, he’d feel bad for Brian but he thinks it’s understandable. Nothing quite ever happens in this town. So when something big usually comes once in a while, the stories and rumors get blown out of proportion. Their local newspaper even claimed that from being at the top of his old, posh private school—a smart pupil and a star athlete for lacrosse and basketball—Brian has hit the lowest point in his life. Or some other bullshit like that, as if he’s not just a seventeen-year-old kid who screwed up once.

Having talked to Brian for a few minutes, having seen his lazy, too casual, and above-it-all behavior, Jae has made a quick guess that all of this staring and whispering probably doesn’t bother him. But when his eyes land on the other’s clenched fists, he realizes Brian actually cares for something.

  
  


“Guys, help me…” Jae groans in complaint to his friends for the third time in the last minute. “I got the new kid as my partner.” 

For good measure, he bumps his head repeatedly against their lunch table.

“Stop it.” Sungjin scolds him with a sigh, slipping a hand in to soften the blow and to protect Jae’s forehead. “Is it really that bad?”

“Yes, it’s _that bad_.” He confirms, sitting back up and fixing his glasses to give his friends an exasperated look. “I literally had to threaten that I’d tell on him to principal Scott just so he’d agree to meet with me after school.”

Dowoon whistles, a bit impressed. “That’s playing dirty, Jae.”

“I know.” He laments. “And I feel bad about it but, it got him to finally agree with me. So I can’t exactly take it back now.”

“How do you know he didn’t just say that to shut you up?” Wonpil considers, eating another spoonful of his mac ‘n’ cheese.

Jae whips his head to his friend’s direction. 

“Shit, you’re right.” Under the table, his leg starts bouncing as the possibility of it starts to sound more likely in his head. “What if he doesn’t show up? I’m such an idiot. I should’ve gotten his number.”

A comforting hand on his shoulder gets his attention. 

“He _will_ be there.” Sungjin assures him.

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because even though it’s harsh,” he starts, “you actually said the correct thing. I feel like he’s already walking on thin ice as it is with principal Scott, what with his hair, his two-week absence, and delinquent reputation, so I don’t think he’d do anything to get himself into any more trouble.”

Jae mulls over Sungjin’s words. It’s not a secret that their principal is a strict, judgmental, and an overall controlling prick. Always droning on and on about instilling discipline to his “rule-abiding” students. And to have Brian, probably a complete opposite of all of that, enroll in his school? 

It’s not hard to guess that their principal is watching Brian’s moves and his school performance like a hawk right now. 

He also recalls how Brian’s face soured this morning in English class after Ms. Watson mentioned their principal’s name.

“You know what, you’re right. Thanks, Sungjin.” Jae finally lets himself relax again. “I just wish we won’t keep throwing jabs at each other everytime we meet for this biography.”

“Then learn to play nice.” Dowoon advises helpfully before stealing a piece of fry from Wonpil’s plate. “That can’t be hard for you, right?”

  
  


Later that day, as Jae waits for the clock to strike five, he’s already claimed a table in the library. He chose one that’s visible from the doors so that his partner can easily spot him when he gets here. 

Jae came ahead of time because the student council meeting wrapped early. For his extracurricular requirement, he ran and won the position at the end of last year to represent their entire graduating class. He feels proud of that because it’s like he found a great deal and a loophole in one. Having this position looks good to his college application forms, but his workload isn’t all that heavy as compared to their class president or the other positions. He gets to just attend meetings, coordinate with the faculty on some events, and talk in assemblies. That’s it. And so he came here immediately to prepare for their first project meet. 

For the past fifteen minutes, he’s been listing possible questions to ask Brian. 

Full name

Parents’ names

Favorite childhood memory

His dreams and aspirations growing up

And where he thinks he’ll be five, ten, or fifteen years from now.

He decides on the easy and basic questions during month one of writing the first progress report so that they can quickly get it all underway. And once those are done, they can move on to deeper and more meaningful topics soon.

He really does want to get to know him deeper, if only so that his biography submission presents the most complex, extensive, and well thought-out character of a person in their class. 

Jae knows that investigative journalism is digging up facts and delivering it in a way that reads interesting and groundbreaking. Brian will read like a poor and misunderstood saint in his biography if Jae has anything to do about it.

And speaking of the devil, just as Jae was busy going through his growing list of questions, the library doors open to reveal his classmate walking in.

Jae raises a hand to get his attention.

As Brian approaches the table, his stride still as slow and casual as ever with both hands hidden in his pockets, Jae straightens in his seat.

He tries to forget their not-so-friendly exchange from earlier this morning and hopes to start anew, or that they’ll at least act civil for once. He plans to follow Dowoon’s advice. Be the “smart, nice, and can-do-no-wrong Jae” his other classmates know him to be. 

“So, what’s up?” Brian prompts as soon as he sinks into the chair opposite Jae.

Clearing his throat, he tells him, “I think we should talk about how we’ll go about this assignment.”

Brian cocks an eyebrow. “Can’t we just exchange emails and be done with it?”

A frown stretches over his face. _It’s not that easy, Kang._ “Ms. Watson wants us to be profound, dig deep, and go as personal as possible. And also to look for things such as habits, pet peeves, and nonverbal cues of the other. I don’t think that can be accomplished just by passing around questionnaires between us.”

“Well then make something up about me, for all I care.” His classmate shrugs before resting his chin on his hand with his elbow propped on top of the table. His face is the epitome of boredom.

Jae releases a breath to calm himself. “I can’t do that. That’s cheating.”

“I don’t see that as my problem.” Brian gives him a mocking look. “See, I even have a narrative for you at the ready. Wanna hear it?”

“I don’t think that’s—”

“Jae Park, seventeen, a nerd and at the top of the class.” Brian cuts him off, his voice adapting a dramatic tone as he continues his foolish story-telling. “Probably has a position in the student council. But most definitely not the president because that would require an outgoing and immensely extroverted personality which you clearly do not have. So shy, nice and sweet; favored by his teachers and loved by his classmates. Except no one knows that he actually has a dark secret.”

Jae can’t help but to snort at the ridiculous assumptions.

But his reaction does nothing to stop Brian. 

He continues to guess, leaning closer on the table and lowering his voice as if they’re sharing a secret. The teasing glint in his eyes unmistakably mock Jae. “A vice, perhaps? Do you smoke, Jae?”

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.”

At this point, he knows for sure that he’s just being made fun of.

Brian ignores him. “Gambling?”

Jae’s patience is wearing thin.

“Do you drink often?” The other keeps going, clicking his tongue at Jae as if displeased. “We’re too young for alcohol, Jae.”

“Please, as if that ever stopped you.”

The slight lift of the corners of Brian’s lips is the only response he gets before he continues, “Ooh, or maybe you have a much, _much_ older girlfriend? Is that it? Please tell me I’m right.”

Maybe it’s in the way Brian gave him such a scandalous look that made his heart race inside his chest. Or maybe it’s just the sudden cold fear that ran down his spine at the reminder of what his father will do to him if he gets a whiff of this conversation; if he even gets a tiny suspicion about Jae getting involved with someone. 

Maybe it’s both of these, maybe not.

But even so, for whatever reason, he doesn’t stop himself from correcting Brian. He instantly feels the need to set that thing straight.

“I’m— I’ve never even _had_ a proper girlfriend.” He stammers, feeling warmth spread through his face. “Please stop this line of questioning.”

“A blushing virgin?” Brian’s face falls. “You’re seventeen and you’ve never had a girlfriend? How on-brand for you.”

Jae feels somewhat satisfied to see the disappointment in the other. However, to his horror, Brian only gets another idea. 

Feigning a dramatic gasp, Brian starts, “Wait, don’t tell me…”

“What?”

“Are you gay, Park?”

Heart in his throat, Jae jumps up from his seat and surges forward to clamp his hand over Brian’s mouth. 

“Don’t ask me that again.” He enunciates, his slender fingers gently digging into Brian’s surprisingly soft cheeks. “Not here, not now, not ever.”

He tries to hide it, but there’s still a sliver of fear that escaped and affected his tone. 

His eyes flit between Brian’s intense ones, silently telling him how important it is that he listens, how much he needs him to understand even without having to tell him the reason why.

Because if his father despises the thought of his “perfect son who always gets straight-A’s” being in a relationship and therefore getting distracted by a girl, what more when he finds out that he’s actually gay?

Jae shudders to even think about it.

The only people who know about it are Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon. And now Brian too, apparently.

So, no. Never in a million years did he even delude himself into thinking that he can come out to his parents. His mother, maybe. But never to his father. 

He’ll die when that happens. 

And the saddest thing about that is, he’s not even sure if that’s still an exaggeration at this point.

The amusement in the other’s features slowly slips away as he stares back at Jae with genuine curiosity taking its place.

They stare at each other for some more until Brian finally gives him a small nod. 

Releasing a heavy breath, Jae pulls his hand away and sits back on his chair. 

“Thank you.” He whispers, suddenly unable to meet the other’s eyes. He’s afraid that, just from the desperation in his tone earlier, he’s already revealed too much to Brian. Still in that same quiet voice, he says, “Can we just start talking about the project now? _Please_ , Brian?”

“Can you say that again?” 

Confusion is written plainly on Jae’s face as he sees the sudden soft look the other is giving him.

“What?”

“Say ‘ _please, Brian_ ’ one more time.” He asks of Jae, flashing him the sweetest smile Jae has ever seen on him. “Your lips look so tempting and provocative when you do.”

Groaning, Jae slumps forward to bang his head on the table. He removes his glasses so that he can keep doing it.

Just when he thought Brian might take him seriously, he goes on and says things like this just to rile him up again.

He hears the other’s laughter ring in the space, followed by harsh shushing from the other students around them. As expected, those don’t faze Brian as he only continues to chuckle at Jae’s expense.

“Careful, you’ll hurt that pretty brain of yours.” Brian’s tone is dripping with amusement. Jae doesn’t even have to look at him to know that he’s smirking. “You might get bumped down to salutatorian now. Your worst nightmare, probably.”

Sighing heavily, he sits back again. As he faces a blurry Brian, he realizes it’s actually nice not to see just how smug he looks right now. But even without the glasses, that red hair still sticks out like a sore thumb. 

Jae runs a hand through his own, uncaring that some strands are most definitely sticking out at odd places. He takes a few deep breaths to air out his frustrations. He can just tell that Brian is doing this on purpose, that he wants to see Jae annoyed to his limits. And so, that’s the main reason why he’s controlling himself right now. Can’t give the other the satisfaction of winning.

_Not today, Kang._

Putting his glasses back on, Jae chooses to push through. “Let’s just start this damn thing.”

“Fine, fine.” Brian sits back as well, matching his pose. “Hit me with your questions, Park.”

Fortunately, for the rest of their time together, they made some sort of progress, much to Jae’s relief. It’s still the tiniest kind of improvement if you ask him. But at least, he’s gotten a few good bits of information from Brian.

Not that he ever shared anything useful to Jae.

Thank goodness Jae is observant and perceptive enough on his own to notice those tiny little details.

After he started asking the questions he had listed down on his notebook, Brian liked to poke fun at each of them every single time.

When Jae asked what his Korean name is, Brian was quick to remind him that he can just grab any local newspaper from the past month. Most of them pretty much have his full English and Korean names blasted on their pages.

Jae was also able to notice the way Brian’s lips curled in distaste when mentioning it. No matter how much the other acts that he can’t be bothered by any of this, tiny hints that tell otherwise slip through the chinks in his armor.

They exchanged a few other basic questions—when their family moved to the States, birthdays, favorite genres of music—and Brian kept constantly trying to derail them every chance he gets. The whole time, Jae has to stop himself from walking out of there after having heard enough of Brian’s teasing jabs and subtly flirtatious advances. 

Again, he knew that that’s what Brian wants so he just endured it all. 

They must’ve been a sight to see. Jae was scowling pretty much the entire past hour and Brian’s infuriating grin never slipped off his lips. Clearly, the other is having too much fun about Jae’s misery.

But when the moment came that Jae asked about Brian’s parents, every emotion vanished from Brian’s face. It was when he was barely paying attention that Brian almost shared the name of his mother until he caught himself at the last possible second. 

After that, he instantly shut off and rudely told Jae, “Aren’t you finished with all of this fucking nonsense yet?”

Jae doesn’t even feel upset about the harshness of his tone. He already knew he hit the jackpot with that question. 

It’s clearly a sore spot for Brian. And so he gladly stored that tiny bit in the back of his head, planning to know more and dig deeper about it later.

It’s until the clock strikes six in the evening and the school librarian kicks them out right before closing that Jae realized Brian didn’t ask him anything at all in return.

After packing his things into his backpack, Jae tries to catch up to Brian as they’re making their way out of the building. 

He has half a mind to thank the heavens that it’s no longer raining. He doesn’t even entertain the thought that maybe Brian brought his own umbrella or that if he did, he would never share it with Jae just to be an asshole.

“Hey, same time, same place tomorrow?” He asks, a bit invigorated by the small discovery he had earlier. It might’ve been a cliché thing, just another rich kid having parents issues, but Jae will take anything he can get. 

“ _You can’t be choosy in investigative journalism,_ ” as Ms. Watson said just this morning.

He expects Brian to throw him another snarky comment, but when they reach the curb, the playful glint is back on the other’s eyes. It’s not as bright, light, and easy as the one before, but it’s still a relief to see that he no longer looks like he wants Jae to vanish into thin air. 

“Can’t get enough of me that much?” He teases, wrapping an arm around Jae’s shoulders.

Jae scoffs. “As if. Come on, you haven’t asked me your questions yet. It’s only fair. And I still have more to ask you, obviously.” He tries to move away from the touch but Brian only tightens his grip.

“Alright, on one condition.”

“What is it?” He asks warily. 

“Come closer.” Brian tells him in a low voice.

Jae doesn’t follow as he just gives him a hesitant look.

“I don’t want us to be overheard. It’s kind of personal.”

Unfortunately, Brian seems to know the exact words to say to get Jae’s interest piqued. Anything to get important writing material for that goddamn project assignment.

Leaning in, he moves his right ear closer to Brian’s lips. 

The hand on his shoulders keeps him in place as Brian’s tone loses all hints of humor before saying, “If you try to threaten me again like you did this morning, I will see to it that everyone in this school knows that your dick is playing for the same team. Got it?”

The same cold shiver runs down his spine. 

He dangled Brian’s juvenile probation in front of his face. And now his own sexuality is being used as a weapon against him for it.

Pulling away, he sees Brian feigning the most innocent smile as he makes sure, “Are we clear on that one?”

Swallowing a lump in his throat, Jae gives him a nod, unable to say anything in response. 

Unlike when he threatened Brian this morning, this one feels incredibly terrifying because he knows, without a doubt, that it’s not an empty threat. 

“Alright, then.” Brian’s smile widens. It’s only Jae who sees the sharp edge in his eyes. “Nice talking with you, buddy! Here’s a little thank-you from me.”

With that, he places a big, wet kiss against Jae’s cheek.

It’s too late for him to move away as Brian still has him firmly on his grip.

Furiously wiping at his skin, he gives the other an incredulous look. And he’s about to question what the fuck is wrong with him for doing that when he hears a certain voice that makes his blood run cold.

“Park Jaehyung.” 

Jae whips his head to follow the direction of where it came from, only to realize that he forgot his father volunteered to pick him up from the library on his way home from work. 

Their car is idling on the side of the road, just at the perfect spot where his father could easily see what happened, what Brian just did.

“Get in the car.” His father’s voice sounds even and calm. But Jae knows better. “Now.”

He aggressively pushes Brian off of him, ignoring the surprised lift of his eyebrows, and walks with heavy steps towards the passenger seat. He tries to stop his hands from shaking as he focuses on walking steadily. He’s mentally preparing himself for what’s to come when they get home.

And all the while, he’s cursing Brian with whatever heinous words he can think of in his head.

He vows to himself that he’ll write a strongly-worded email to Ms. Watson later tonight, asking to switch partners or just give him a different project that he can work on alone. He can’t stand to spend any more time with this asshole.

Two months and a half. Gone.

He can’t believe that the longest streak he had is ruined. Just like that.

It’s all over because Brian fucking Kang just wanted to get a reaction from him. As if Jae’s misery is his own source of amusement. 

Now look where it got him.

For this alone, Jae loathes Brian a whole lot more.


	2. i am a deck of cards, vice, or a game of hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which brian finally participates in class all thanks to jae

The next day, Brian’s morning is once again not off to a good start. This is his only second time being back to school and already, he’s starting to miss those last two months when he stayed in and helped out at the retirement home located two towns over. 

As part of his six-month-long juvenile probation, he was tasked to do community service to that organization during the first couple of months. His time there barely ended right at the start of classes, that was why he couldn’t attend those first two weeks. 

At least the principal in this new school can’t fault him for that. It is after all court-ordered. 

Now, unfortunately, for the rest of his probation period, the community service instructions have been handed over to his new school by his probation officer. 

And so every day, for an hour and a half after classes, he’s supposed to do whatever chores or tasks that are vaguely of child labor the people at the administration office could come up with. 

He misses working at the retirement home because when he was there, he didn’t feel like he’s being judged harshly. Most of the people there are either too old and forgetful to keep up with the news, or nurse aids that are nice enough to give him the benefit of the doubt.

A huge contrast to that is, just yesterday, when he was asked to mop up the floors in the hallway closest to the gym shower rooms, a bunch of junior soccer players decided to make his work extra harder. They bounced their muddy and dirty ball on the place that he had already cleaned. And when Brian looked them in the eye one-by-one as he asked them to fucking leave him alone, they began taunting him. 

“Ooh, I’m scared.”

“Are you gonna send me to the hospital too? Like what you did with your new mommy?”

“Does little prince Brian have mommy issues?”

“Want me to call daddy for you?”

“What a fucking wuss.”

Of course, he couldn’t do anything but to just stand there and do his best to try to convey all of his anger into a single glare. 

Fingers curling into fists, he held himself back as the kids passed by him. He knew it’s not worth it to talk back to them. What with that goddamn principal just standing on the other end of the hallway, watching him with a self-satisfied smile. 

After all, it was his idea to make Brian do all of this work. 

And instead of scolding the other students for their words— _seriously, this is fucking bullying,_ as Brian thought to himself in disbelief—the old man even wished those kids good luck on their soccer practice. As if they hadn’t just ruined the floor that Brian had been working on for the past thirty minutes on purpose.

In addition to that, he also had to meet with his classmate, Jae Park, at the library to start working on a project when all he wanted—yearned for—was to go back home and rest his tired body.

Sadly, just as bad as what yesterday has been, today is unsettlingly starting to look the same.

For one thing, he just generally hates going to school so early in the morning. It’s still a good half-hour before the first period.

And for another, because his own keys were temporarily taken away, Brian is forced to endure being driven to and picked up from school by his father every single day. 

“Can you please change your hair back to black?” His father starts all of a sudden. “It’s a new school. Time to start fresh, right? Play by their rules?”

Brian rolls his eyes. “I read their handbook like you told me to so I know that it’s not technically against the rules.”

“But still, I’m surprised they let you into class yesterday without calling me to have you change your hair or something.”

Brian only hums in response, not in the mood to indulge his father in a longer conversation. 

The real reason why he actually kept the hair is because, after all that change that has happened in his life recently, having this one thing that _he_ alone can control is important to him. He even dyed it the same day he got out of that holding cell to keep reminding himself of the horrible experience—that his father left him there with real and actual criminals, lonely and scared, for three whole days on purpose.

But anyways, in addition to that, their principal’s reaction to his hair is surely an added bonus. His face pretty much looked about as red as the shade of Brian’s hair the first time he saw it.

But then again, the rules don’t specifically state that this isn’t allowed so Brian was lucky enough to get away with it. 

Of course, he’s also not that naïve to think that he’s completely off the hook. He just knows for certain that their principal is currently watching his moves closely. Awaiting the moment that he fucks up so that he can report it back to Brian’s probation officer and have Brian spend a few weeks in juvie to essentially have him out of this school.

“So this is going to be our mornings from now on, huh?” His father tries again, his voice cutting through the tense and awkward silence in the air as he drives.

Oh. Here’s another thing that Brian hates other than mornings: small talks.

Or at least, any kind of conversation or activity that involves just him and his father these days, if Brian wishes to be specific.

He continues, “Yesterday, my secretary almost had a heart attack when he saw me at the office so early in the morning.”

Brian gives in. No point in keeping quiet now anyway. “Then don’t drive me to school first if it’s such an inconvenience for you.”

He hears his father let out a sigh, dejected. “I didn’t say that it is, Brian. And besides, I’d rather us do this than to let you walk all the way to that school. It’s too far.”

“I wouldn’t have to walk if you just gave me back my damn car.” He responds under his breath, staring out the windows as he already knows what’s about to come next.

“We’ve been over this, Brian.” Gone is his father’s conversational tone. He almost sounds just as exhausted and defeated as Brian feels. “I’m trying to teach you a lesson.”

“Oh, please. Spare me.” Brian snorts, unamused. “And what am I supposed to learn? That being able to drive myself whenever and wherever I want pushes me to become a good son to you? Do you want me to kneel at your feet and beg for my car back?” Now that he’s on a roll, he doesn’t stop the words from coming out. “And while we’re at the matter, when you left me there in the police station, made me stay in a holding cell with all those… _people_ for three days, was that supposed to teach me a lesson too? Because if so, then congratulations! You succeeded! You taught me how much of a horrible father you are.”

Unfortunately, his father doesn’t take the bait and chooses not to fight back. After all, they’ve been going circles about this for weeks now. Those words are most definitely not new to his ears.

Loosening his tight grip on the wheel, his father gives him a quick glance, looking conflicted. “No, Brian. I’m telling you that you lost a lot of privileges when you sent your own stepmother into a hospital. And please, I have connections at that station. I knew nothing was really going to happen to you if I just left you there for a few days as punishment.”

“‘Sent her into a hospital…’” Brian mimics with a scoff. “I’ve been telling you over and over for the past couple of months that she deserved it!” He spits back, feeling all of his anger and frustration rise back to the surface.

“No one on earth _deserves_ to be pushed and fall down the stairs, Kang Younghyun!” His father replies, matching his tone and volume.

Oh, good. He’s using Brian’s Korean name now. That means he’s getting on his father’s nerves again. 

Brian savors that thought in satisfaction. 

“How many times do I have to tell you?” His throat feels hoarse for raising his voice early in the morning. “I didn’t push her! She fell on her own! It was _her_ fault for trying to steal mom’s necklace from my hands! Which, by the way, is something that I just caught her doing. She was going through mom’s old things without permission!”

But it seems his father has long decided not to believe his words. 

See, this is why Brian is just tired about all of this. His words always fall on deaf ears.

Ignoring all the things his son claimed, his father admonishes, “Why are you being like this, Brian? Stella has been nothing but nice to you. And now she’s still confined because a few of her ribs were broken after what you did. She told me that you slapped her and pushed her down the stairs just because she was curious about your mother’s jewelry! Why did you do that? Your mom and I did everything to raise you properly. I know that losing her has been difficult for you, I know it is for me, but—”

“Oh really? And is getting with Stella proof of how difficult mom’s passing has been for you, too?” Brian asks in a challenging tone.

“You don’t get to say that.” His father’s voice hardens. They finally arrive at the school but his father doesn’t make a move to unlock the doors. “People have different ways of coping with grief, Brian. Losing your mother has been one of— no, it is _the worst_ time of my life. You don’t get to just question that.”

The words pierce Brian’s heart. He wants nothing more than to believe them, but just the mere reminder of his father believing the words of that woman over him—his son, his own flesh and blood—puts things into perspective for him.

He doesn’t have his father by his side anymore. He has happily moved on and left Brian all alone, still mourning the death of his mother even after all these years.

But who is Brian kidding?

Of course his father would choose Stella’s side. She brought with her everything that he was looking for—distraction, breath of fresh air, and a new life.

Whereas Brian only brings with him a painful reminder of what their family was—happy, complete, and so full of love and laughter. 

He sees it in his father’s eyes. Everytime he looks at Brian, it’s like he’s seeing his wife too and of the remnants of a great love he once had. 

_And then there’s me._ He thinks to himself, feeling pathetic. _I really have no one._

Burdened by that overwhelming clarity, Brian wants nothing but to get away as far as possible. Nothing’s keeping him in this place anymore, nothing and no one worth staying for.

He knows that he can’t leave now but he has always promised himself that the day he graduates, that will be the last time his father sees him again. He’ll travel back to his mother’s hometown in Toronto, Canada, and take a gap year before he can even think about applying to college. He just can’t wait to live with his grandparents and be in the place where his mother grew up.

But as of the moment, he has classes to attend. On the bright side, at least that keeps him away from his father too.

Making a move to unlock the passenger door himself, he ignores his father’s attempts to continue the conversation they’ve been having. That’s all he does anyway. He talks and talks but never listens to a word Brian says.

“Bring an umbrella, at least.” His father tries to get something from the glove compartment just as Brian is about to shut the door to his face. “It’s been raining a lot these days.”

“What for?” He retorts. “You’re going to pick me up later again anyway.”

His father releases a heavy sigh and lets his outstretched hand fall to the passenger seat. 

“Same time like yesterday?” He asks.

Ironically, Brian, for once, is thankful for Jae Park’s persistence. Because of their project meetings in the library, he now has another reason to not be in their big and lonely house even just for a few more hours. 

If only he can ask his classmate to make it into a daily thing without being weird, he’d have already done that in a heartbeat.

Nodding his head, he finally turns to the school without so much as uttering another word.

“Be good, okay?” His father calls after him, the sound so hopeful and nurturing.

Brian’s heart clenches in his chest. He doesn’t acknowledge nor respond to the words as he keeps walking farther away.

He tries not to dwell on it too much. After all, it’s just another painful reminder of a father that once cared for him above everything else. A father that would never leave his seventeen-year-old son to rot in a terrifying place such as a holding cell all because his new wife told him to do so.

No. That father died with his mother four years ago. The one that he lives with now feels like a total stranger.   
  


  
***  
  
  


Without having anything to do so early in the morning, Brian heads straight to their English classroom. He’s still left fuming after that fight with his father, so when he walks into the room to find a few people gathering near his desk, his irritation flares. He doesn’t want to deal with people just yet.

Of course, Jae Park is here early too. 

_What did I even expect?_ Brian thinks to himself, rolling his eyes.

As he walks closer to his chair, he sees that it’s occupied by another student he’s never seen before. Although to be fair, most of his classmates seem like strangers to him. He doesn’t exactly bother to look at their faces, much less get to know their names. He’ll leave this place in less than a year anyway. He sees no point in making new friends and getting attached to them.

Nudging a foot of the chair with the tip of his shoe, he gathers the kid’s attention by startling him.

“That’s my seat.” He deadpans with a lazy quirk of his brow.

“Oh. I’m sorry.” The student is quick to apologize. “I’ll just—”

“Just sit over here, Dowoonah.” To his right, Brian hears Jae Park speak up over the other kid before he heeds Jae’s words. In a much lower voice this time, Jae whispers to his friend, “Don’t mind him. You don’t have to say sorry to that asshole.”

Brian’s ears easily pick up what he said. He spares his partner a nasty glare as he’s taking his seat. “It’s too early in the morning for this, Park. I’m not in the mood to deal with you yet.”

Jae just scoffs at him in response. “As if you were all sunshines and rainbows any other time of the day.”

Brian’s retort is locked and loaded in his lips, except he gets interrupted by one of Jae’s other friends speaking up. 

“Jae, don’t…” he warns Jae, laying a gentle hand on his arm.

Jae seems to relax under his friend’s words, giving him a quick nod of thanks before looking away from Brian. 

“Thanks, Sungjin.” He says with a heavy sigh, flashing his friend a grateful smile.

“Don’t try to make it worse. He’s not worth it.” Adds another.

”I know, Pirie.”

However, this only angers Brian more. 

He’s already on edge from what happened at the car ride over with his father. He doesn’t need to deal with Jae Park and his group of friends ganging up on him and acting like he's a wild animal that they should be afraid of.

Just on his second day in this school, Brian already has a good idea of what the other kids think of him. They either think he’s too pathetic for “hurting his poor stepmother” or that he’s someone to be afraid of for having “violent tendencies”. 

Yesterday, he thought that Jae isn’t in one of those two categories. 

Jae never taunted nor mocked him about it. And he also didn’t seem scared of Brian because he kept pestering him about having to meet together at the library. Hell, Jae was even brave enough to threaten him. And sure, this shocked Brian at first, but he was actually impressed by it afterwards.

That was why he kept teasing and aimlessly flirting with Jae then.

Aside from subtly encouraging Jae to relax and loosen up, he was also trying to know how far he can push Jae past his limits and to see if he actually will go through with the threat. 

Because he knows in himself that he would never do what he told Jae yesterday. 

Growing up, he never had a hard time coming out to his parents as pansexual. He knew early on in childhood that that is who he really is.

At home, his parents never made him feel like he needed to hide. For that, he feels eternally grateful. And incredibly lucky. 

That’s why he would never _ever_ force anyone to come out when they’re not ready. 

He really only “threatened” Jae with it as an attempt at self-defense. Let Jae believe it so that he’ll think twice about using Brian’s probation against him again. God knows how eager their principal is at sniffing out any of Brian’s potential mistakes to finally have ammunition against him.

He knows that Jae doesn’t understand the severity of the consequences if he does in fact go through with that threat. Or at least, Brian hopes that Jae is clueless about it.

But now, just after this quick exchange, Brian realizes that Jae actually falls in both categories. He taunts and provokes Brian, but then retreats just when he thinks that Brian is about to fight back.

He watches, dumbfounded and more than a little insulted, as Jae goes back to chatting with his three other friends as if Brian no longer exists, as if he’s not worth any more of his time, just a plain dismissal in and of itself. 

The four of them seem to continue where they left off in their whispered conversation as if the short argument Jae had with Brian never happened.

Brian doesn’t know what’s worse; being provoked into a fight or being outright ignored.

Sitting there in his chair, silently seething as he’s watching Jae’s friends surround him and fret over him over something he can’t hear, there’s a tiny voice in Brian’s head that haunts him.

If things are still normal in his life, this could’ve been _him_ back in his old school. The center of his friends’ attention, always having people circle around his desk before class, and them taking his side no matter what. 

Sure, he knows that most, if not all, of those “friends” aren’t really being a hundred percent genuine to him, always just asking him when he’s going to host another party at their house, parroting everything he says as if the words that leave his lips are Gospel, or gushing about his latest performance in a basketball game against their rival school. 

His friendship with them might not have been that deep, but at least he was never alone in that school.

And seeing this now, Jae Park being almost the exact mirror of who he was in his old life before that thing with his stepmother happened, Brian can’t help but to feel envious.

Because, aside from being liked by the rest of their classmates, Jae’s friends actually seem real and honest.

Brian eyes the way they seem to worry over him, looking as if they’re reassuring him about something but at the same time, trying hard to keep his mind off of it. 

As soon as the news broke in their town and everyone caught wind of what happened, not a single one of his old friends ever contacted him to ask what he’s feeling, to check whether or not he’s okay in the middle of all of that, or to even drop a simple text saying they can’t be friends with him anymore. He absolutely received nothing from them but complete radio silence. 

He really had no one on his side back then.

Still has no one left to this day, actually.

See, there’s another reason why him and his father started drifting apart lately aside from the obvious. Brian has decidedly stopped playing any kind of sport the second he found out he won’t be returning for the upcoming academic year in his old school. 

Back then, he only had about a month and a half left of junior year when his stepmother tried to steal from his mother’s belongings and got into a scuffle with Brian about it. Which then had her accidentally fall down the stairs, and ultimately, as she laid in her hospital bed, she pointed her fingers at Brian for causing all of it. 

For about two weeks, he couldn’t go back to class because during the first days of it, he was in a holding cell. And for the latter days, he was already getting introduced to his juvenile probation officer. 

The first day he came back to class to clean out his locker, his heart broke after seeing that all the trophies he won for their team in both lacrosse and basketball were all removed from the glass display case. Even the picture frame containing his jersey shirt that was hanged above it had been taken down. 

He used to think that his old school is pretty progressive and cares about every single one of its students. After all, he never felt discrimination from anyone there for his sexual orientation. But then, he realized that what his school only ever cared about is their reputation. 

After the first of the local papers containing this story were printed, the school was quick to release a statement saying that they’re currently “taking action” about this matter. And by that, they meant that Brian is no longer welcomed back there for senior year. They outright told him to finish the rest of his studying at home because they can’t have “a troubled student” walking down their hallways and making the other kids feel unsafe. 

They’re not progressive at all, they just want people to think that they are.

He used to be the pride of his school both academically and athletically. He gave them many trophies from playing and participating in inter-school games and quiz bees respectively. But in just the blink of an eye, everyone turned on him and started calling him a disgrace.

And so since then, he began avoiding sports like the plague. A thing that was actually something that him and his father used to bond about together too closely and almost obsessively. 

It’s only been about three and a half months since he last held a basketball but on times when he misses it the most, he just keeps his hands busy.

Just like now. 

After holding himself back from fighting with Jae Park, not much he can do anyway as they all started plainly ignoring him, Brian fishes out his old notebook from his bag.

To pass the time, he begins doodling the same picture over and over again. 

He’s doing this not to feel relaxed or distracted. It actually gives him the opposite: stress, self-hatred, and desperation. 

No matter how hard he tries, he’s never satisfied with the portrait he’s drawing of his mom from memory. There’s always something off with every attempt; the alignment of her shining eyes a little too far apart, the smile lines around her lips a tad too prominent, or the shape of her chin is either too pointy or rounded. 

He’s been trying—and failing—for the past couple of years to do it right. But if there’s only one thing that’s consistent about Brian, it is that he doesn’t give up.

Even as their teacher already walked in, he keeps himself busy with it. He’s actually grateful that Ms. Watson seems cool with letting him be, because in every other class he has in his schedule, he hasn’t dared do the same thing in them. He knows that his other teachers can’t wait to report back to their principal about his class performances. 

_“I have eyes and ears everywhere, Kang,”_ as the principal oh, so sweetly informed him when they talked in his office yesterday morning. 

Brian knows he meant that he asked the faculty to keep him in check, so it’s actually such a relief when he heard Ms. Watson made fun of principal Scott just yesterday. It’s then that he feels he can at least trust their English teacher. 

But anyways, he isn’t a complete jackass. Even though he keeps sketching, he’s actually listening to her words. And it is until he’s furiously erasing the slight waves of his mother’s hair that all of his attention gets latched onto Ms. Watson’s little announcement before starting the discussion. 

“Hey, Jae.” Brian looks up just in time to catch Ms. Watson flashing Jae a quick smile. “Please stay after class, okay? It’s about the project request you emailed me last night.”

Brian watches as relief floods Jae’s features.

“Thanks, Ms. Watson.” Jae responds. “You’re a lifesaver.”

“Well, you posed a compelling argument.” She grants him, shaking her head with fond exasperation. 

Brian admits that he’s a bit curious to know what it is about, but after seeing the easy and somewhat casual exchange between Jae and their teacher, he just feels a pang in his chest at the painful reminder.

That used to be Brian too. 

Someone all his teachers believed to be incapable of doing anything wrong. 

And maybe he’s being unfair. Or that he’s just taking his frustrations from his fight with his father out on Jae, but it just feels relieving to focus all that anger on someone else.

So as the discussion finally starts and Ms. Watson has asked for their opinion on justifying investigative journalism and at what point does one claim that it’s too much, Brian anticipates for his partner to answer.

 _He’s so predictable._ He sniggers in his head. Of course the first one to raise his hand in recitation is Jae Park himself. _No surprise there._

“Yes, Jae.” Ms. Watson gestures for him.

“In my opinion, Ms. Watson,” he starts, fixing his glasses before continuing, “as long as a certain topic, person, or event negatively affects other people and the only way to ease or relieve that is by finding out the truth no matter how invasive the process may seem, I think that’s enough reason to justify that kind of investigative journalism.”

Ms. Watson gives him a thoughtful nod. “That’s such an insightful answer, Jae. Thank you for sharing it with the class.”

Brian watches as a proud and self-satisfied smile fixates itself on Jae’s features. 

Their teacher continues, “But if you don’t mind me asking, can you please elaborate on what you mean by ‘invasive process’? And if you have examples, we’d really appreciate it.”

“Well, say…” Jae pauses, seeming to consider his words at first before deciding to just completely share his thoughts with everyone. “Let’s take our biography project as an example. I understand that _some_ of us are uncomfortable with sharing their personal lives to others and I respect that. But if purposefully not sharing anything useful at all negatively affects their partner and ultimately their grade for this class, then that tells a different story.”

“Ah, yes.” Understanding flashes in their teacher’s features. “I see where you’re getting at.”

Encouraged by this, Jae goes on, “So I think this rightfully excuses the partner to do any other means necessary to uncover that stubborn partner’s truth. Use whatever tactic they deem helpful, like forcing that partner to open up during assignment meetings, or making them feel bad and guilty for hurting their grade therefore asking them to take responsibility. Things like that.”

After hearing all those words, Brian thinks Jae’s reasoning is absurd. He chances a glance behind him to see if there’s any or some of their classmates who share the same sentiments as him. 

Unfortunately, all he sees are them either bored about the discussion, sporting a contemplative look on their faces, or outright nodding their heads in agreement to Jae’s words.

Scoffing out loud in disbelief, Brian chooses to let his thoughts be known. 

“Well that’s a load of bullshit.”

A collective gasp in surprise rises from the rest of the class. 

Understandable. 

The tone he used isn’t exactly friendly and open for discussion.

Ms. Watson, however, looks quite pleased. “Why, Brian, care to share why you think that? We’d love to hear from your side, given that you are Jae’s partner in this project.”

Brian takes the bait. 

He tries to gather his thoughts for a hot second, subconsciously straightening in his seat, before starting, “People are always going to have opposing opinions about others no matter what. So I clearly don’t think that justifies having their personal lives be exposed against their will just to alleviate other people’s concerns.” He pauses, sparing Jae a haughty glance. 

Satisfaction blooms inside his chest when he’s met with a slightly offended look. 

Continuing, he says, “Put into the context of this project, if one student does not tend to overshare, then shouldn’t their partner take it as a challenge? Like you said yesterday, Ms. Watson,” he sees their teacher’s eyebrows shoot up, most probably surprised to find out that Brian had been listening to her words all along, “that student should be able to pick up on social cues, learn to read between the lines, and try to be more perceptive with their partner without having to be assertive.”

“That is also a wonderful take on this matter. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with the class.” Their teacher looks happy with the direction their discussion has taken. “And yes, I agree with you. That is another reason why I came up with this project in the first place. I wanted you all to slowly piece together the kind of person your partner is, learn both from shared conversations and nonverbal clues.”

Brian nods, feigning a sigh as if disappointed. “Sounds to me that those _people_ who want to force their partners into sharing personal stories about themselves are just _too lazy_ to put in the actual work of what investigative journalism essentially is.”

On his left, he sees Jae gaping at him. Brian doesn’t even hide the way a proud grin stretches across his lips because of it.

“Well maybe that _person_ isn’t really being lazy but is just worried that even after all the ‘reading between the lines’ he’s been doing, he realizes that his partner might just actually be lacking substance.” Jae spits back at him in a challenging tone. “Have you ever considered _that_ option? Or are you too self-absorbed to consider why _I_ felt the need to be invasive?”

Instead of being offended, Brian only sees this as Jae unintentionally trapping himself into a corner. 

“Why, Jae, I thought this is only a hypothetical discussion?” He checks, his voice dripping with false concern and sadness. “I didn’t know that just because I was afraid to open myself up to you so easily that you already saw that as me lacking substance. Just when I thought we were actually becoming friends…”

He sees Jae clench his jaw upon hearing those words, no doubt detecting the underlying mockery in them.

“No, I wasn’t… that’s not what I—” Jae stutters. 

Brian has to stifle his laughter just to keep up pretensions and make his partner appear the bad guy in this scenario. 

Jae seems to realize what Brian’s doing so, clearing his throat, he composes himself before backtracking, “I didn’t mean _you_ , specifically, Brian. I’m sure you are just as complex and substantial as the rest of us.”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

“What I meant was,” Jae goes on, enunciating the words in hopes to tune out Brian’s potential snide comments. “I understand that not everyone may not want to share everything to their partner for this project, but I also think that it wouldn’t hurt if you just let a few things loose. All I’m asking is for us to help each other out a little.”

“Well, if you put it that way.” Brian pretends to ponder his response. “But, Jae…” he pauses for dramatic effect, “haven’t _you_ also shared not one single thing about your life with me?”

_I got you there, Park._

“Because you never asked me anything!” Jae argues with a slightly raised voice. 

They’re basically fighting with each other now instead of pretending everything’s still part of the discussion.

Adjusting in his seat, Brian angles his body sideways so that he’s fully facing the other. Leaning in, he matches Jae's tone before saying, “That’s because I was trying to be respectful and was waiting for you to speak up about yourself. See, now we’ve just gone full circle.”

Jae leans closer to Brian as well, hurtling all of his anger and frustrations out on him. “You know what, Kang? You are such an infuriating piece of sh—”

“Enough.” Ms. Watson’s authoritative voice cuts off Jae’s words. “I don’t mean to interrupt whatever this is as it’s been quite a…” she thinks of an appropriate description, “ _delightful_ exchange. But I think we’ve all heard enough of it and would rather continue on with the discussion. Is that alright with you two?” She addresses them with a mildly chiding look. “Or would you rather keep fighting as we all watched from the sidelines?”

Brian chooses to say nothing and instead, sits back on his chair to calm himself. 

Him and Jae both let themselves get too absorbed in the argument that they didn’t realize how closely they’ve been leaning towards each other. As the thought dawns on Jae as well, Brian sees a subtle shade of blush spreading through the other’s cheeks. He proceeds to bite his lower lip before fixing his glasses.

Brian notices that Jae does that a lot when he’s nervous or feeling uncomfortable in a certain situation.

His partner mumbles a quiet, “Sorry, Ms. Watson,” before looking down at his desk in embarrassment.

Brian mentally gives himself a pat on the back for derailing Jae’s answers and twisting them in a way that ends with his partner looking away from him in shame.

Again, he admits he might be a little unfair. But it just feels _so good_ to defend himself from all of the prejudices Jae seems bent on having against him. He feels proud about it because he never actually got to correct any single one of the rumors being spread about him. And he has no plans of doing that now, knowing how hopeless it really is. After all, people are always going to believe whatever they want to believe. 

But doing this, not letting Jae paint him in a bad light to their classmates, it feels right to him. Like he’s finally doing something for himself.

For the rest of the class, Brian settles back to drawing on his notebook. Half of him is still listening to the lecture—as Ms. Watson is actually good at making boring topics seem interesting—and the other half silently gloating about his tiny victory against Jae Park.

And just as the bell rings, with Brian too busy stuffing this notebook and pencil back in his bag, he’s a little surprised to hear their teacher call his attention.

“Brian, can you also please stay?” She carefully asks as if thinking he'll say no. Though it’s not like he can even do that. 

He so clearly feels like he’s walking on eggshells in this school. 

Jae throws him a cautious glance as he too waits for the last student to leave this room before approaching their teacher’s desk.

“Alright, you two.” Ms. Watson starts after closing the door for privacy and to drown out the overall noise coming from the busy hallway. “That was some conversation you had earlier.”

“I’m sorry but,” Brian prompts, coming to stand a few meters away from Jae near the blackboard. “Are we in trouble just because of that?”

Their teacher clicks her tongue at him. “No, no. Of course not.” She gives him a slightly reprimanding look. “If you had just let me finish, then I would’ve said that I really appreciated both of your input. I was actually relieved, I expected none of the class would indulge me in answering my questions.” She lets out a light chuckle. “Nonetheless, I asked you both to stay because I’ve already made my final decision on Jae’s request.”

Beside him, he notices that Jae has stiffened upon hearing those words. Brian doesn’t know whether to feel satisfied by the other’s sudden nervousness or to be worried as well. 

“What request?” He asks, throwing Jae a questioning look. _Did I miss something important?_

But the other completely ignores him as he keeps his gaze on their teacher, anticipating.

“Well, last night, he sent me a strongly-worded email about this biography project of yours.” Ms. Watson informs Brian. “He gave me a list of reasons why it is more beneficial for the both of you if you did this assignment separately or alone. I’m not going to lie, he presented me with pretty compelling arguments and justifications.”

“He did that?” Brian tries to hide the fact that he feels tiny hints of disappointment creep up in his chest. He is a little offended that Jae Park went out of his way to try to be free of this partnership with him. 

_We’ve only had one meeting. I know I wasn’t being a model partner but is he really that quick to write me off as hopeless to work with?_

“So you’ll grant me that request, Ms. Watson?” The hope is evident in Jae's tone and in the glint of his eyes.

“I _was…_ ”

Brian perks up at the change in their teacher’s voice. Looking back at her, he sees that she’s giving Jae a mildly apologetic look.

“But after your exchange in class today, it just solidified the notion that I really made the right choice in pairing you two together.”

Subconsciously, Brian lets out a breath in relief. He tells himself it’s because he doesn’t want the burden of handling this project alone.

“What? But why?” Jae demands to know, his tone of voice so close to whining. 

Brian has half a mind to notice the tiny pout forming in the other’s lips. But as soon as the thought comes, he’s just as quick to dismiss it.

“Well, for a number of reasons.” Ms. Watson begins to explain. “One is that I don’t want my other students to think I’m playing favorites or giving you special treatment. I’m sure you’re not the only two who are struggling to get along but it seems to me that everyone else is settling with their partner just fine.” She turns to face Jae. “And for another, did you see how engaged Brian was in the class discussion earlier? It's all thanks to you, Jae.”

A smirk finds itself on Brian’s lips as he watches Jae trying to scramble for words.

“But he only did that to spite me!” Jae reasons, his frustration ringing true in every word. “I swear, Ms. Watson, he was doing it on purpose.”

“Did he tell you that?” Their teacher responds, cocking an eyebrow in question. “Or did you just assume it yourself?”

“But it wasn’t that hard to guess though.” Jae stubbornly argues. Brian has to give it to him, he can be quite relentless. “Given all the things I heard about—”

“See, Jae, this is one of the things I was hoping to avoid in this project. I want my students to learn how to hold off judgment of others when they haven’t heard both or all sides of the story yet. This is why I kept saying ‘dig deep with your partner’, ‘know your partner’s truth’. Don’t be so quick to write people off. I know you’re so much better than that.”

Jae sighs, sounding defeated. Brian watches as the other’s shoulders sag with the gesture.

“Ms. Watson, please…” He appeals for what sounds like the last time.

“Jae, I’m sorry.” Their teacher tells him, giving him a meaningful look. “But this decision is final. And it seems to me that this animosity between you two is just caused by a tiny bit of misunderstanding. You think he’s not sharing details about himself to you on purpose but in hindsight, you’re also doing the exact same thing. After what I’ve seen in class today, it’s clear to me that you two… you bring out _something_ in each other. I still don't know whether it’s the best or the worst but I’m optimistic. After all,” she looks at Brian to give him a warm smile, “just the mere act of reciting is already such an improvement in Brian’s class participation. That's a start, right? Like you said earlier, just help each other out. Sooner or later, you’ll both find your balance. Based on what I’ve read in your files, you two are one of my brightest students so I have faith that you’ll figure this out together.” With that, she throws the both of them a conspiratorial wink.

Brian finally lets himself relax after that.

Yesterday, when Jae kept bugging him about having an after school meet for this project, he was admittedly annoyed. But then, while he was slaving away by mopping up that hallway near the gym, he actually got to consider the big picture.

Instead of ostracizing him the way he expected a student like Jae—studious and shy—would do to a "troublemaker" like himself, Jae didn’t take no for an answer about it. He thought because of all the things they heard about him, no one in this school would even dare to willingly spend time with him. 

The fact that Jae pursued him to say yes is such a pleasant surprise to Brian. 

Sure, he did it by threatening to tell on Brian to their principal. But Brian also knew that he was being difficult and unreasonable for his uncooperativeness so he understood that. It just felt nice to be proven wrong in this situation.

But now, Ms. Watson just told him that Jae suddenly wanted to change partners? Without even asking him about it?

For the past few minutes while listening in to Jae and their teacher’s conversation, Brian is racking his brain trying to think of what could’ve pushed Jae to arrive at that point.

 _I answered some of his questions yesterday. Or at least, the ones I’m comfortable sharing. I thought since it was just the first day of this project, he’d cut me some slack. I also kept his secret and didn’t tell a single soul about him being gay. And I even bantered with him when our meeting was over!_

Brian recalls the conflicted look that flashed Jae’s features after he gave him a playful kiss on the cheek. But that was just plain old banter. Brian was simply being playful.

_So seriously, Jae? Why the sudden change of heart? Did I do something wrong?_

A slight movement brings Brian’s attention back to Jae. He reaches a hand up towards his head, probably to massage his temples from a forming headache, but stops midway before wincing.

Instead, Jae just bends down to grab his bag off the floor and finally admits defeat. 

“Is it okay if I leave now? I have a class on the science wing and I don’t want to be late.”

Ms. Watson is quick to assure him, “Don’t worry, I have your excuse slips at the ready.” She picks up a bright green notepad from her desk, signs the top two sheets, and rips them off before handing it to them. 

“Thank you.” Jae tells her in a small and quiet voice while looking down at his feet. 

Seeing the glum look on Jae’s face, Brian actually starts to feel bad. He’s still confused about what exactly brought this on but he really wants to know why Jae is suddenly so mad at him.

In an attempt to lighten up the tension in the room, Brian starts, “Well, looks like we’re stuck together, buddy,” before reaching out to wrap an arm around his partner’s shoulders.

However, Jae gives off a startled cry and flinches away from Brian as if the touch alone burns his shoulder.

Gritting his teeth, Brian tries to hide how much that gesture offended him. He lets his hand fall back to his side, hurt and insulted. 

_Am I that repulsive to you?_

Yesterday, he really thought Jae is different. That he isn’t as scared of Brian the way everyone else in this school seems to be. 

Turns out he’s completely wrong.

(Of course, Brian is understandably too caught up on feeling upset that, as he walks away, he fails to notice Jae favoring just one of his shoulders as he wears his backpack; wincing in pain when he moves the other for even just the slightest bit.

Not-so-coincidentally, it’s the exact same side that Brian had his arm around when Jae’s father caught sight of them yesterday.)

  
  
  


Later that day, Brian is tasked to help out at the library as part of his school-mandated community service. One of the staff there took a leave and so the principal made Brian take their place. For once, he actually thinks that the work given to him isn’t so bad. At least, not as bad as yesterday was. 

But then, now that he’s standing here at the library, he’s eyeing the three carts full of thick books he needs to shelve with growing apprehension. And the head librarian says she expects him to finish everything all in an hour and a half. Already, he feels like his arms are going to fall off just from the overwhelming sight of them.

Heaving a sigh— _seriously, isn’t this child labor?_ —he brings with him the first cart to start working. At least there’s one good thing about this task; he’s left alone with his thoughts and there are no haughty and taunting juniors or other students to bother him this time. Just like what he’s done during lunch break for the past day and a half, eating on the steps of the lesser used side entrance facing the faculty parking lot, Brian is content with having some sort of distance from the rest of the school. 

And being in this library now, tucked away and hidden behind many shelves from the main study area as he worked, Brian really appreciates the quiet semblance of seclusion. The familiar scent wafting from the pages of these old books provide him a warm, comforting feel.

It takes him about a good forty minutes until he starts to notice that he’s at least made a huge progress in this task. Now that he’s down to the last full cart, he walks back to get it with heavy steps, knowing that he decidedly chose to do it last because of where the books in there generally go.

As he’s pushing the cart towards the main study area, he tries to act as if he doesn’t notice that some of the students start staring at him. He consciously makes his stance appear more casual; he slows his pace and puts on an indifferent yet cold façade. He keeps his head held high and his sharp eyes glazed over in boredom.

 _Let them stare,_ he thinks to himself. _I’m not going to give them anything more to talk about._

Grabbing the first book from the cart, he gets back to work. He heads to the shelf that’s featured and separated from the others as it contains most, if not all, of the yearbooks in the last few decades.

Since the one that’s on his hand is relatively new, printed after the current graduating class is just starting out high school, he has to rise up on his tiptoes to reach for the top row. And when he’s just about to properly place the yearbook where it belongs, he accidentally knocks down the one beside it. 

It comes toppling down with its spine hitting the carpeted floor. The hardbound covers splay open to reveal a random page. 

“Shit,” he mutters under his breath.

Because he’s been doing this for a little more than an hour now, his arms and legs feel tired from all the constant reaching up and bending down that this task requires. 

Sighing to himself, he properly places the earlier book on his hand first before crouching down to pick up the one that fell.

Just then, his eyes catch what exactly is being displayed on the pages. More specifically, who.

A much younger Jae smiles back at him as he presents three trophies in his arms. The title on top reads, “ _Hall of Fame: Jae Park, school pride and badminton superstar!_ ” 

_Who knew…_ he comments, more than a little impressed as he sees the collage of pictures showing all the awards and trophies his partner has won for the school’s badminton team. A lot of them are for being the most valuable player and annual player awardee.

Brian sits down on the floor and rests his back against the shelf to start scanning the page. For two full spreads, the yearbook committee just praised Jae. There’s not much paragraphs and other texts to read, as after checking the cover, Brian knows this is mostly written and arranged by students when they were still in middle school.

There’s just a quick description of Jae that Brian finds nothing short of surprising.

“ _...but not only is he excellent in badminton, Jae also takes the center position in our very own basketball team. Because of his impressive height, rebound offenses are almost always a sure shot. And for defense, he’s the best at blocking the opponent. How does he do it all at such a young age?_ ” 

Everything that he’s read reinforces the idea that him and Jae are so similar in a lot of aspects but still so opposite in others. Whereas Brian is often mistaken as a moody, grumpy, and intimidating person, as he’s studying Jae in all these pictures, his partner’s features are just bright and open. 

Subconsciously, Brian brings the yearbook closer to himself as he studies Jae closely in the pages. 

There’s not much that’s hugely different in what he looks now even though this is dated more than three years ago. He’s still wearing the same glasses, the same type of haircut that’s slightly buzzed on the sides but kept long on top so that the strands fall over his forehead, and still with that same innocent and youthful glow in his small, beady eyes shining so bright. 

Even those full cheek pockets are still there. They’re a little bit chubbier and rounder than what his cheeks look like now, but still just as cute.

Shaking his head, Brian immediately puts a stop to his train of thought. 

_What the hell am I thinking? Jae Park is_ not _cute._

He closes the book with a lot more force than necessary. Getting up from the floor, Brian places it back where it belongs. 

And he’s about to move on to shelving the other books in his cart but curiosity doesn’t let him get that far. 

Giving in, he reaches for the most recent yearbooks from the top row—the ones from Jae’s freshman to junior year. 

Much to his disappointment and confusion, however, there’s nothing else about Jae aside from the obvious student council, quiz bee, and academic awards. Looking at the pictures from both the badminton and basketball teams from the past three years, Jae is no longer included in any one of these. In fact, the previous one he saw, the one at the end of middle school, is the last that shows Jae playing any kind of sport.

Brian is beyond curious to know why.

And just like that, he starts to look forward to their second project meeting just a little more.

But as he’s sitting at the same table they used the day before at half past five in the afternoon, he finally packs up his things and heads out. 

After his shelving task got finished on time, which is actually a surprising thing as well but thanks to Brian’s eagerness to claim his turn in asking the questions, he did it efficiently and quickly so he won’t be late for their meeting. 

That’s why when he got back to the main study area and found no sign of Jae, he easily got a daunting feeling. But still, he decided to wait for him. Maybe, Jae just got caught up on his other extracurriculars or that something came up in student council. He tried to make reasons for his partner but really, the more the doors to the library opened—with his hope dwindling every time it’s not Jae who walks in—the clearer it gets to him that Jae is not coming.

Shooting his father a quick text message to tell him that he doesn’t have to pick him up, Brian starts the twenty-minute walk back to their house.

And the whole time, he can’t help but feel upset. Which then he mentally berates himself for feeling that way in the first place.

Jae’s the one who’s at fault here. He suddenly acts rude and condescending this morning without Brian knowing why. And now, he blows him off on their project meeting when just yesterday, Jae seems so anxious about his grade. 

There’s still three weeks left before their first progress report submission. Let Jae worry about it too, see which of them will be the first to cave in.

One thing is for sure though, Brian vows to himself that it won’t be him. He’s not going to let this fight bother him anymore than it has to.

After all, he’s completely wrong for thinking that Jae’s different from the rest of their classmates. He’s not going to make the same mistake twice.

  
  


For the next day in English class, they completely ignore each other. As with the days that follow after it, they hardly glance the other’s way, much less have spoken a single word between them. And when those days stretch into a couple of weeks, Brian has actually settled into this reclusive routine of keeping himself busy; sketching before first period, hiding out in the faculty side entrance during lunch, and heading straight to the admin office to find out what his task is after class. 

The days all blend together and the only signifying difference among them are the various tasks he does at the end of every school day. 

At least he’s relieved that no one seems too keen to bother him anymore—even in having talks with his father, Brian is able to keep things at a minimum. Though it does help that he’s always had a cold and intimidating expression every time he’s walking down the hallways or passing by other students. 

If these kids think he’s troubled and someone to shy away from, then Brian will gladly lean into that image.

He hasn’t strayed far from this routine he made for himself. Which means that he also hasn’t been back to that library so soon. However, just at the start of the third week after he got stood up by Jae, Brian is begrudgingly walking through its doors again under their principal’s orders.

Time to slave away by shelving books for an hour and a half.

And as he mindlessly plows through this task, starting with books that belong to shelves located at the very back of the library, he sees a couple of kids cornering another student in one aisle.

It’s the same junior kids who taunted him back when he was mopping the floors down by the gym during his first day here. Stopping on his tracks, he sneaks a peek to see that the other student they’re currently accosting looks really familiar.

It doesn’t take him long to realize that it’s one of Jae’s friends, the one who sat in his chair about three weeks ago. He can’t remember his name, but it doesn’t matter. Be it someone he knows or a stranger, Brian has no tolerance for bullying. He already experiences enough of that on his own by being shunned by pretty much everyone in this town, he can’t let it happen to others too if there’s anything at all that he can help with.

“What do you mean you won’t do it?” The one with a faux mohawk repeats in a threatening tone.

“That I won’t do it. You’re not one of my friends so why would I do your homework for you?” Jae’s friend retorts, his voice calm and steady.

Brian has to give it to him. The kid knows how to stand his ground. 

“But I’ll get kicked out of the soccer team if I fail to submit another assignment.” Mohawk sounds so close to throwing a fit now. And his friend-slash-bodyguard supports him by smacking the side of the shelf in an attempt to make Jae’s friend cower in fear.

In Brian’s opinion, he only looks more ridiculous doing so.

“That's not my problem.” 

Brian can see how this kid and Jae are friends. They’re both too stubborn to a fault.

“Oh yeah?” Bodyguard mocks him.

“What if I put my fist on your face, will that be your problem?” Even though Brian has heard a lot of better and more properly delivered threats, he still feels worried for Jae’s friend because then he sees Mohawk is already balling his fists.

And when the kid is about to throw in a punch, Brian instinctively makes a move for it.

He encloses Mohawk’s outstretched hand with his own, stopping him from hurting Jae’s friend and startling the three of them with the sudden interruption. 

“Instead of threatening someone to do your homework for you,” Brian starts, throwing Mohawk and Bodyguard an insultingly unimpressed look. “You’re already in the library. Didn’t it cross that thick head of yours that it’s fucking more convenient to do the assignment yourself?”

Mohawk tries to pull his hand back but Brian is stronger. He’s put on the mask of what he assumes people see when they imagine Brian as a teenager with violent tendencies. He tightens his grip and proceeds to give the two of them a frightening glare. 

“Let go of me, you freak.” Brian picks up the slight fear in Mohawk’s tone.

Normally, he’ll feel bad about it. But this time, he just feels satisfaction. These kids surely deserve it.

“Or what?” Brian challenges. “What are you going to do about it?” He gives the two of them a once-over before his lips stretch into a smirk. Aside from being younger than Brian, these kids actually have a much smaller frame than he does. “I think we all know that you can’t take me.”

Mohawk doesn’t answer, and instead, he and Bodyguard both reluctantly take on a defensive pose.

Brian snorts at them in amusement, making them flinch a little due to his reaction. He realizes now that, because principal Scott is nowhere near them, these two idiots have significantly lost their bravado. 

These aren’t real scary bullies; these are just poorly-raised kids.

Deciding to show them mercy, Brian drops Mohawk’s hand. But of course, he does it in a harsh manner that has the two of them flinching away from him.

“He’s a friend of a friend,” He lies, gesturing back to Jae’s friend, “so don’t you dare try to mess with him again.”

They don’t respond right away so he casually adds, “Unless you want me to show you the things I learned from those thugs back in that holding cell. Are we clear?”

Again, another lie.

The people that were there with him don’t interact with kids like Brian. In fact, they even despise people like him. Because, even though his father made him stay there for a few days, it was intentional. While the rest of them are staying there because they’re awaiting their lawyers either to post bail or to talk about negotiating a plea deal. It didn’t help Brian’s situation that some of the criminals in that cell overheard one of the chief police officers casually talking to Brian's father on the phone as if they're buddies from college—and yes, they are.

So, while they can’t lay a hand on Brian, that doesn’t mean that they can’t scar him with their words. For all of those three days, they sent colorful and creative threats his way and shared unwarranted traumatizing stories to his relatively young and innocent ears.

He’s heard things that kept him up most nights after it, things he can’t unhear and forget. So no way in hell will he ever repeat it to anyone else in his age. That’s why he had to lie and just used the rumors about him to his advantage. 

They think that those three short but definitely horrifying days hardened him? Fine. Let them think that way too.

At this, Mohawk and Bodyguard quickly nod their heads before scurrying away.

Heaving a sigh, Brian finally goes back to his abandoned cart on the other end of the aisle. But a gentle tap-tap-tap against his shoulder stops him.

“Why did you do that?” Jae’s friend asks. “I could’ve easily handled myself.”

His initial reaction is to feel offended. But as he studies the other’s features, it dawns on Brian that he doesn’t mean to sound ungrateful at all. In fact, his tone was just openly curious and had no hint of malice in it. 

Quirking a brow, Brian simply tells him, “Because it’s the right thing to do.”

Something clicks in Jae’s friend’s expression. Letting his hand fall back to his side, he gives Brian a sincere smile. “Thank you. I really appreciate it, Brian.”

“Ah, don’t mention it.” He scratches the back of his head, suddenly feeling self-conscious. “I’m sorry, I don’t even know your name even though we have the same English class together.”

A confused frown quickly finds its way on Jae’s friend’s face. “No, we don’t.”

Now Brian is confused too. “But… weren’t you sitting at my desk like, three weeks ago?”

“Well, yeah.” Jae’s friend shrugs. “But I was only there in your classroom because me and my friends were checking in on Jae after his—” the other shuts his mouth for a second before continuing as if that isn’t weird at all. “I mean, we were all just checking in on each other, chatting in the mornings like usual. But no, I’m still in my junior year.”

Brian hums, nodding in understanding. “Alright then. And um,” he pauses before prompting, “your name is?”

“Oh, right!” The kid chuckles lightly at himself. “I’m Dowoon. Nice to meet you, Brian.”

“Nice to meet you too, Dowoon.” After not having spoken to anyone else over the past weeks, Brian feels awkward. His social skills are getting a little rusty so he makes his leave before he says anything stupid. “I guess I should probably get back to my, uh, community service…” 

But then he’s also hesitant to go so quickly because this is the first conversation he’s had with someone that doesn’t involve any hint of hostility for days. He kind of wants to keep talking but doesn’t know how to.

“Do you need some help with those?” Dowoon offers, nodding towards the cart. “I’m not that busy right now.”

“No, no, no. It’s fine, you don’t have to.” Brian starts to walk back but Dowoon only follows after him. “This gets pretty tiring, trust me.”

“Exactly. That’s why I want to help out.” Dowoon flashes him a look, cocking an eyebrow at the obvious. “Seriously, Brian, it’s the least I can do as a thank-you.”

This time, Brian voices his earlier thoughts before relenting, “I can see why you’re close with Jae. You’re both pretty insistent.” He lets out a small chuckle, shaking his head with a slightly fond smile. “Alright, follow me.”

And so, for the remaining time in Brian’s stint of labor for today, Dowoon helps him out in shelving these books. 

They don’t talk much during the entire time but just having someone else there with him, Brian appreciates the kind gesture a whole lot more. 

It’s such a pleasant change from having nothing but his sad thoughts and memories as company. 

  
  


The next morning, Brian is surprised to find Jae sitting on his desk the moment he walks into the room.

He doesn’t know if he should prepare himself for a fight so early or to just keep on ignoring Jae to let him know that this doesn't faze him.

In the end, he chooses to do both.

“What do you want?” Brian starts in lieu of a greeting. He keeps his voice monotone and his face completely indifferent, but just his words alone is enough to let Jae know that he’s unamused by whatever this is.

He knows that Jae is sitting there not by accident and that he clearly has something in mind. Brian just wants to find out what it is now to get it over with.

However, the sight of Jae nervously worrying his lower lip successfully chips away at Brian’s walls. His initial irritation dies down until there's nothing left but curiosity.

“Um, another chance?” Jae replies, meeting his intense gaze with a hopeful one, his eyes blinking up at him a few times.

“What?” Brian asks. Subconsciously, he tilts his head a little to the side like a confused kitten.

Sighing, Jae begins to explain. “I know I blew you off three weeks ago and without telling you the reason. I still can’t tell you why and I know it probably doesn’t matter to you now, but I just want to say I’m sorry.”

It feels like something loosens inside Brian’s chest. He didn’t even know he was waiting to hear those until Jae is actually saying them to him. 

“What brought this on?” A tiny frown crumples his features, still a little disbelieving about the situation. 

Just yesterday, they hardly looked at each other. And now, Jae is suddenly apologizing to him?

“Dowoon told me.” Jae shares, running a hand through his hair. A strand sticks out on top of his head and for some reason, Brian’s fingers itch to fix it. Of course, he doesn’t make a move to do so as he stays rooted in place. “He told me about what you did to help him out yesterday. And it somehow made me realize that, maybe, I’ve been too quick to judge you and dismiss you as my partner. For that, I’m really sorry too.”

Brian doesn’t say anything at first. It takes him a few moments to digest the words. But when he does, he can’t help a relieved smile to soften his sharp features. 

He promised himself he won’t cave in so easily and yet, here he is now, doing just that.

“I guess I’m sorry too. For how difficult I’ve been during that first meet.” He admits, dropping his sling bag to the floor by Jae’s feet. “And for kissing your cheek like that. I was only being playful but in hindsight, I failed to consider how it would make you feel. I’m sorry.”

Brian notices that an unreadable look passes over Jae’s features at the mention of that kiss. But just before he even makes an attempt to decipher, it’s gone. Making him think that he may have just imagined it.

Gently, Jae nudges one of Brian's feet with his own. “I’ll accept your apology _if_ you’ll accept mine.”

Brian snorts, amused and secretly adored. And instead of responding to that condition, he just asks, “Same time, same place later then?”

The sight of a smile slowly stretching across Jae’s lips is enough of an answer on its own.

But still, Brian feels as if a weight has been lifted off his chest when his partner says, “I’ll be there, I promise.”

  
  


“So,” Jae starts the moment Brian takes the opposite seat on their table. “I believe it’s your turn now to ask questions?”

“Oh, wow. Right off the bat, huh?” He teases, opening his bag to fish out his iPad and opens the notes app on it.

He sees Jae shrug before resting his chin on top of the table. “I mean, we lost a lot of time and we’re supposed to submit a progress report by the end of this week. We have a lot to catch up on.”

“And whose fault is that?” He cocks an eyebrow at the other. 

Fortunately, because of their sort of ceasefire caused by what they talked about this morning, Jae easily understands that he’s just joking with that remark.

Groaning, Jae tells him, “I know… don’t remind me.”

Brian lets out a chuckle. “Alright, alright. I’ll start.” Reading off the basics first, he begins, “What’s your Korean name?”

“Park Jaehyung.” Jae’s reply is almost automatic.

Brian gives him a look. “Really? So then your English name is just Jaehyung shortened?”

“What?” Jae sits back in his chair before flashing him a tiny frown. “I really like it.”

“I mean, sure. Jae’s cute. But I just assumed that choosing a new western name is something we all look forward to before moving here.” Brian shares, recalling the time when he chose his name. “That’s why I chose Brian. I know that it has a great meaning, I can’t specifically remember what it is now, but I know that seven-year-old me was so impressed after reading it that I immediately stopped my search and went with the name. It probably means noble, or someone important. Like me.” He finishes with a wink.

“Ooh, is seven-year-old Younghyunie as annoying as Brian Kang?” Jae asks, feigning intrigue by leaning towards the table.

This pulls a genuine laugh from Brian. Playing along, he responds, “Definitely. He’s much worse. I’m actually a saint compared to him.”

Jae snorts at that, rolling his eyes in a fond manner. “Alright, fine. I actually used a different name for a while when I was a kid. I wasn’t always called Jae.”

“What was it?”

Throwing him a rueful smile, Jae warns first, “Don’t laugh, okay?” 

“See, now you’re just teasing me.” Brian points out. “With all this buildup, of course I’m going to expect and will most definitely laugh at whatever it is.”

“I swear to God, Kang…” Releasing a heavy sigh, Jae just gives in. “My parents used to call me Brian Dennis. So I went by Brian Dennis Park in preschool, I think.”

Brian is speechless at first. But on the bright side, at least he doesn’t laugh right away.

He studies Jae’s face as he lets that information sink in for a while.

Fixing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, Jae averts his eyes as he asks, seemingly self-conscious, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Brian tilts his head to get a better look as he answers, “I’m trying to picture you as a Brian…” he leans closer, “but yeah, I think you’re right. I like Jae more. You don’t look like a Brian.”

“Um, thank you?” Jae replies, sounding unsure as he looks back at him.

“It’s a compliment, trust me.” Brian assures with a light chuckle, amused. “Anyways, okay, next.” He checks his tablet first. He actually wants to ask immediately about why Jae’s not playing sports anymore, but hesitates at the last second because he’s afraid that the answer he’ll get will hit too close to home. So, instead he asks, “What do you usually do in your free time?”

“Easy. I study.”

Brian can’t help but to roll his eyes. “I meant when you’re not busy studying or doing anything school-related.”

“No, seriously,” his partner insists, “I read ahead on my classes and brush up on a few topics that I felt were not adequately discussed by the teacher.”

“But why? Do you enjoy that?” There’s no judgment in Brian’s words, just pure and innocent curiosity.

Looking down to his fidgeting hands on the table, Brian notices that Jae’s expression dims a little before starting, “It’s not really a matter of enjoying it or not because I don’t have much of a choice. My father wants me to excel in all my classes so he keeps a close eye on what I do during my free time at home. But don’t get me wrong, I also like studying and being at the top of the class. I just wish that it’s not the only thing that defines me to most people.”

“It’s not. You’re so much more than that.” Brian finds himself correcting him, wanting nothing but to wipe that frown off his face. For some reason, he finds that such a look doesn’t belong to a face as bright and youthful as Jae’s.

“How can you say that though? You don’t really know me.”

This time, he gives Jae an earnest look before stating, “That’s what I’m trying to change by finally asking you all these questions, right?”

“I guess that’s true.” He flashes Brian a smile, small and timid. “Hit me with the next one then.”

For the rest of the hour, Brian keeps the questions trivial and bordering on safe. He pretty much just copied most of what Jae asked him during their first meeting. He genuinely wants to ask deeper and more personal ones already but decides against it because he doesn’t want to strain whatever this sort of unspoken mutual understanding they now have. They had just made up after plainly giving each other the cold shoulder for three weeks, Brian doesn’t want to ruin that right away by running his mouth, unfiltered.

Besides, if he asks personal questions now, then that opens the floor to Jae having the right to ask them back to him. He’s not yet ready for that himself.

And so he just sticks with asking about Jae’s friends; to which he encourages Brian to try to get to know them himself. 

“They’re good people. I trust them with my life.” Jae declares.

As much as Brian wants to do what Jae asks, he just gives a noncommittal response. He’s still a little on the fence about making friends in this school.

_I don’t even think Jae sees me as a friend too._

He also asks about Jae’s favorite subject this year; to which Jae is quick to answer English class.

“Even though it’s given me such a headache by putting you as my partner for this assignment.” He jokes, feigning a sad pout that either makes Brian want to smack him on the arm or pinch his puffy cheeks.

And when they only have less than ten minutes left before the library closes, Brian chooses to get a little brave and asks something more meaningful.

“If you can think of something that you regret not doing before, what is it and why?”

Jae mulls over the words first. He gets a far away look in his eyes and when he finally does have an answer, it isn’t at all what Brian expected.

“Learning how to drive. Or maybe even learning how to ride a bike.” He shares, giving Brian an embarrassed smile. 

“Why?” Brian carefully asks.

“I want to be able to take myself wherever I want to. Not that I have my own car or anything,” Jae clarifies, “but just the mere possibility that I can do that for myself is something I find very reassuring.” He lets out a heavy sigh. “But nonetheless, I never got to learn it because this school doesn’t have a semester that teaches us how to for lack of resources, and my father thinks it’s pointless anyway. So I had no one to teach me growing up until it’s already too late for that, I guess.”

Brian doesn’t even think about it and just inquires, “But what about your mom?”

The slight surprised look on Jae brings him to his senses.

“Shit, I’m being insensitive. I’m sorry.”

“No, no, it’s okay.” Jae flashes him a tiny smile, sweet and reassuring. “Well, both my parents have work during the day so I learned early on how to entertain and take care of myself. And while she doesn’t have work now, she can’t exactly teach me how to ride a bike because…” he pauses, taking a deep breath before continuing, “she’s now on a wheelchair for the rest of her life because a drunk driver hit her three years ago.”

Brian’s gut wrenches painfully after hearing those words. He knows what it’s like to have something horrible happen to their mother, and even though both situations are completely different—for one, Jae’s mom is still very much alive, and for another, Brian’s mom’s death is a long-time coming after they found out she had cancer when was he was still pretty young—he can understand how hopeless it feels to see them suffer and, as a son, they can’t do anything about it.

“Jae… oh god, I didn’t know.” He’s at a loss for words, really. He has a strong urge to comfort his partner but has no goddamn idea how. He knows it in himself that nothing can really ease the pain when it comes to things like this.

“It’s okay,” Jae repeats. “I mean, not the accident, obviously. And, wow, I can’t believe I’m even saying this but, somehow, I don’t mind sharing it to you.” His face adapts a self-deprecating look. “Maybe because you made me realize I was being a hypocrite by being frustrated that you won’t open up too easily when I myself haven't shared a single thing to you that first meeting.”

Brian can always sense an attempt at deflecting the conversation whenever he hears one. And so, picking up on it, he obediently plays along. Snorting in mild amusement, he jokes, “I’m glad I was able to knock some sense into you, Park.”

“Don’t get used to it, Kang.”

Brian lets out a genuine laugh at that, relieved that Jae is finally bantering with him after all that animosity, no matter how misguided it may have been, between them.

Jae continues, “Anyways, I’d _love_ nothing more than to tell you all about my life,” his voice is dripping with sarcasm, “but too bad, that’s all the time we have for today. So, same time and place tomorrow?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Brian replies in a begrudging tone, complaining as he slips his things back in his bag. 

Jae points a warning finger at him. “And don’t you dare think about getting even with me, okay? You better not blow me off. I’m going to ask the questions then.”

And now, with the corners of his lips lifted just the slightest bit, it’s Brian’s turn to say, “I’ll be there, I promise.”

They get to the sidewalk just in time to see Brian’s father pulling up by the curb. He tries to ignore the small pang in his chest at the instant reminder of another lonely night in their house with just at the two of them there, avoiding each other as if their lives depend on it. 

Even the clouds seem to sympathize with him as they remain gloomy and gray with the constant threat of rain. 

“Well, here’s my ride.” Brian turns to Jae, bidding him goodbye. “See you tomorrow.”

“See you.” Jae replies with a tight-lipped smile. 

Brian finally walks towards their car. Just when he gets into the passenger seat without so much as a word to his father, the sudden downpour starts creating patterns on the windshield.

It’s been raining so much lately that Brian has actually took to bringing his own foldable umbrella in his own bag. 

And as he looks out the window, he notices Jae preparing himself to brave the rain.

Without thinking, he reaches a hand over the center console to stop his father from shifting gears to start driving.

“Wait, dad. Hold on.” He says, not looking away from his classmate. It doesn’t even cross his mind that this is probably the first physical contact he’s had with his father in months. Or that he called him dad outside the context of a fight.

(And because he’s too busy trying to come up with a reason why Jae would rather run through the rain than humbly ask for Brian to give him a ride, he also fails to see the way his father’s eyes light up after having been called that by his son.)

“What is it?” His father asks him, curious.

But instead of answering him, Brian opens his door to jog back to where Jae is taking shelter under the library door awnings.

Jae gives him a surprised look as soon as he approaches.

“Isn’t your father coming to pick you up?” Brian inquires, referring back to when Jae’s father did so after their first project meeting all those weeks ago.

Jae runs a hand through his hair. “Uh, no. He has to work overtime today.”

“Well, come on.” He gestures back to their car idling by the side of the road. “Let me give you a ride.”

A small frown finds its way on Jae’s face as he doesn’t answer right away.

“Jae, it’s raining so hard and I don’t think it’s going to let up soon.” Brian pushes. “You’ll get sick and therefore, have to miss school for a few days if you brave this kind of weather.” He finishes, knowing that the argument he threw at Jae is something his partner can’t deny.

If he’s being honest, Brian’s confused and a little hurt about Jae’s hesitation. It’s just a simple ride. Why is he acting as if Brian asked him a harmful question?

Finally, Jae lets out a sigh before giving him a small nod in acceptance.

Together, they make a quick run back to Brian’s car. Brian reclaims his seat in front and Jae gingerly takes the back, placing his bag on his lap instead of at his feet. 

“Um, hi.” Brian’s father starts, snapping Brian’s thoughts back to him. His father is giving Jae a welcoming smile as he introduces himself, “I’m Brian’s father. You can call me Uncle Kang or ahjussi, whichever you feel comfortable with. Any friend of my son's is a friend of mine.”

Brian secretly rolls his eyes at that. He wants to claim that it’s just for show because he’d rather believe that than the idea of his father suddenly caring about the other people in his son’s life.

“Nice to meet you, ahjussi.” Jae responds, giving a small bow of his head like the well-mannered kid that he is.

“So, where to?” His father asks Jae.

After Jae gives him an address, his father finally starts driving.

During most of the ride, he continues to chat up with Jae. And while Brian notices that even though Jae never fails to politely reply to everything Brian’s father asks, he hears the faint shyness and exhaustion in his classmate’s tone, probably feeling overwhelmed as he’s bombarded with Brian’s father’s overly inquisitive persona that he often uses at business marketing events.

Having heard enough of it, Brian decides to help Jae. 

“Can you please stop bombarding him with your… everything?” He requests, not-so-gently nor politely. “Can’t you notice that you’re making him feel uncomfortable?”

Jae is quick to counter him, ever the nice kid that he is. “It’s fine, sir. Really.”

“Ah, no, no. I’m sorry.” Brian’s father apologizes, giving Jae a glance to show him he’s not offended. “I didn’t realize I’m being my usual chatty self again. I’ll be quiet now.” He even makes a gesture in which he closes an imaginary zipper over his lips.

Brian just scoffs at that. 

But true to what he picked up on, Jae doesn’t put up a fight and actually seems to relax under the silence that fills the air.

Brian has to fight the urge to look behind him to flash him a relieved smile.

A few minutes later, they finally arrive at Jae's street. The car goes slowly until Jae speaks up to say, “My house is right over there.” He reaches a hand at the center to point at something outside the windshield.

Brian’s father follows it with his eyes so then he stops right in front of a two-story Mediterranean house.

“Thank you for the ride, ahjussi. And see you at school, Brian.” This time, Brian does look behind as Jae bids them a goodbye before making a move to open his door.

“Jae.” He calls, stopping him as he fishes for something inside his sling bag. 

He quickly finds it and hands the foldable umbrella to Jae. “Here. It’s still a long walk up your driveway.” He says as an explanation.

“Oh.” Jae reluctantly takes it in his grasp. “But what about you?” 

Brian waves him off. “I have a spare in here.” He blindly taps the glove box to show him where it is. 

Nodding, Jae finally steps out of the car. He puts Brian’s umbrella into good use as the rain heavily keeps bearing down on them. 

Brian sees Jae giving them a parting wave as he stands there on the sidewalk while the car finally drives away.

And just when he’s about to settle in for another quiet ride, he spares a second glance out the window. But what he sees in the side mirror gives him a bad feeling. Instead of walking up the driveway, Jae’s figure starts walking along the sidewalk before rounding the corner of the block and finally out of Brian’s sight.

At first, Brian is beyond confused. 

_Where the hell is he going?_

However, it doesn’t take long for all of the small details he picked up from Jae to start piecing themselves together. 

Jae lied about where he lives. 

Just as much as he felt relieved after they made up this morning, crushing disappointment hits him almost immediately after this new realization. It frustrates him how much Jae seems to keep showing Brian that he’s not like the rest of the people who’s quick to judge him, but then he goes and does all these things that say otherwise.

From Jae’s weird hesitation to ride with him, seeming as if he’d rather walk in the rain than to ask for Brian’s help in getting home, even back to the way he recoils from Brian’s touch all those weeks ago when Ms. Watson asked them to stay after class.

He can only come up with one explanation for why his partner would act that way.

To Brian, it’s clear as day that Jae’s afraid, or maybe even ashamed, to be seen with him. 

And so, even hours after they got home, he’s left questioning why that thought alone saddens him so much.

  
  
  



	3. and still you, still you want me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which jae spends a surprisingly good time with brian

“So, how was yesterday?” Dowoon asks Jae with a quirk of his brow as soon as the latter reaches his locker. 

His younger friend is the only one there waiting for him, probably eager to know how their project meeting went. After all, he was the one who convinced Jae to give Brian another chance the other day.

Jae releases a sigh at the question. He distracts himself by getting out his books first before answering.

“You’re right.” He grants Dowoon a rueful smile. “He’s not so bad.”

“See? I told you.” Dowoon gently nudges his side with his elbow. “He wouldn’t have helped me out back there if he didn’t care for anyone but himself.”

“No, no. I get that.” Jae agrees, raising his hands in a defensive manner. “I had a different reason why I was mad at him in the first place.”

His friend considers his words for a moment. But when he’s about to respond, Wonpil speaks up before him.

“Who are you two gossipping about so early in the morning?” He teases, walking up to stand beside Dowoon before throwing an arm around his shoulders. “Run it back from the top, I want to hear it too.”

Following behind him, Sungjin approaches the rest of them with a small smile that lights up the galaxies in his eyes.

Jae once again finds himself questioning how his friend is able to look as radiant as he always does no matter the time and day. _God really plays favorites. What’s new?_ He complains in his head. 

“It’s bad to spread rumors and gossip, Pilie.” He playfully chides, poking a finger to Wonpil’s side and knowing how ticklish he is on that spot.

As expected, Wonpil jerks away from Sungjin’s touch with a few giggles slipping past his lips. Unintentionally, however, he drags Dowoon with him in an attempt to move away from Sungjin again the moment the latter starts wiggling his eyebrows tauntingly.

“Hey, don’t include me on this.” Dowoon whines, trying to remove Wonpil’s arm that’s now wrapped around his neck. Wonpil doesn’t seem to hear him though as he proceeds to hide his smaller frame behind Dowoon, using him as a human shield. 

“Save me, Dowoonie.” Wonpil pleads after Sungjin’s second attempt of tickling him. He then proceeds to squealing when the latter gets successful.

Jae watches the entire exchange with a fond and content smile on his face. He genuinely thinks that his friends are the saving graces of this town for him. He won’t have been able to endure everything this long if he didn’t have them by his side. Always there to comfort him, reassure him, or distract him whenever his life at home gets to be too much.

And sure, he has his mother taking the top spot in being the reason that he stays rooted to this place. But the thought of leaving his friends behind as well is a close second to that. 

Whenever he’s with them, he can forget what’s waiting for him at home. He loves them. Genuinely, wholly, and with his life. He’ll do anything to keep them by his side for as long as he can. Even if it means staying in this town.

Deciding to show Wonpil mercy, he steps in with a light chuckle, “Alright, I think he’s had enough.” He tells Sungjin, tapping him on the shoulder.

Wonpil beams at Jae as he finally releases Dowoon from his grasp. He sticks his tongue out at Sungjin before repeating, “What were you guys talking about earlier?”

Jae sighs, knowing Wonpil will most probably not let the matter go. He knows his friend doesn’t like missing out on conversations within their group. “He was asking about mine and Brian’s project meetup at the library yesterday.”

“Oh, yeah,” Sungjin chimes in, “how did that go? Why are you only telling Dowoon and not us?”

Jae can’t help but to let out an amused snort. See, Sungjin won’t admit it but he actually shares that quality with Wonpil. 

“There’s not much to tell other than it went better than I expected.” He reiterates, leaning back against the door of his locker. “I guess, I’m glad that Dowoon convinced me to give Brian another chance. Now I kind of feel like a dick for giving him the cold shoulder so out of the blue three weeks ago.”

Sungjin hums in agreement before adding, “But you did have a valid reason back then to be mad at him. I’m not saying Brian deserves it or not but given what happened, I don’t think you should blame yourself either. I mean, you have gone more than two months without having an incident before your father caught Brian teasing you at a bad timing. We can understand that your first reaction is to be mad at your partner.”

Wonpil tuts at Jae. “And let us not forget the fact that the only one who’s really at fault here is your poor excuse of a father.”

“I get that. But, like,” he pauses, releasing a heavy sigh, “I just felt so guilty for not meeting Brian at the library that same day after Ms. Watson declined my request to switch partners. And without telling him the reason why, much less apologize afterwards. That was such a dick move, now that I had enough time to think about it. Not saying he’s a saint either but I guess I was just… being unfair by directing all my anger out on him.”

“Hey,” Dowoon starts in a chastising tone, “like Sungjin said, you had good reason to be angry. But just don’t beat yourself up over it, especially now that you and your partner kind of already made up.”

Jae’s gaze bounces from his friends’ faces, all of them giving him small but earnest smiles of assurance.

Gratefulness for their support floods his chest. But since he’s not an outwardly affectionate person, he takes to doing what he does best in these situations; he deflects them.

Whining like a little child, he tells them, “You guys are like my top enablers. Stop spoiling me.” He juts out his lower lip to form a tiny pout for good measure. “I really don’t deserve you.”

Yes, he’d much rather look and act cute than to willingly hug his friends in public. He _is_ an emotionally stunted teenager, don’t blame him. 

Like Wonpil said, you can blame Jae’s father for that too. 

“Yes, you do.” Wonpil argues. “And sometimes, you offer to do some of our homework for us. That’s actually why we keep you around.” He jokes. 

“Ah but those aren’t for free, remember?” He counters, giving Wonpil a look just above the frame of his glasses. “And you still owe me pizza for when I finished your math problem set last week.”

“I'd love to treat you, but you can’t really go out unless it’s for school.” The other points out. “And the three of us aren’t really allowed inside your house. There’s not much time left for us to hangout after classes.”

“I know.” Jae agrees, hints of humor dropping from his features. It’s true. His father just thinks that the time he spends with his friends is just taking away from the time that he should have spent studying.

“Oh, but doesn’t your father’s company send him out on business trips once every couple of months?” Sungjin recalls, eyes shining bright at the sudden memory. “And didn’t he go on one and was away for a whole weekend just last, last month?”

Dowoon snaps his fingers as he too remembers the last time they hung out for hours on end. “So then it’s due to happen again soon, right?”

“I don’t know. Maybe?” Jae shrugs. His reply is noncommittal.

He doesn’t want to get his hopes up because those short days when his father is away feel like a fever dream to him. Those are the days when he can breathe easy. He actively doesn’t treat his father’s business trips as a regular thing so that he can avoid getting used to it. He can’t let himself look forward to those days because when they don’t happen as planned—just like that one time two years ago—crushing disappointment is what awaits him. 

“My father doesn’t really tell me all these things beforehand and I only get to find out the same morning that he leaves. So who knows when’s the next one?” He finishes, adjusting his glasses up his nose.

Sungjin seems to detect the hesitation in his tone, that’s probably why he suggests, “Well, if it doesn’t happen soon, then me, Wonpil, and Dowoon will just crash your project meetings with Brian at the library to hang out after classes together.”

“Ooh, I don’t think Brian will like that.” Wonpil guesses, leaning his shoulder sideways against the locker to Jae’s left. “He doesn’t strike me as the type to be open to talking to a lot of people at once.”

“Nah, I think he’s going to be fine.” Jae finds himself sharing. He doesn’t really know this for sure, but judging from what he’s heard from Dowoon’s surprisingly nice and friendly encounter with Brian, and from the sudden amicable atmosphere between them at the library yesterday, Brian is not just the broody and reclusive kid everyone claims him to be. That he doesn’t purposefully shove people away, it seems he just genuinely prefers his own company most of the time. 

Of course, with the right amount of prodding and careful insistence, Brian probably won’t mind sharing Jae’s attention to his friends during those project meetups.

Wonpil and Sungjin still look skeptical about it, basically opening their friend group to another, especially to the likes of Brian. And Jae can’t and doesn’t blame them. After all, it’s only Dowoon and him who have had relatively significant conversations with their troublemaker classmate. So all Wonpil and Sungjin has to go with regarding opinions of him is what they heard from everyone else. 

For some unknown reason, he suddenly feels the need to appeal his partner to his two best friends.

“Seriously, guys, I think he’s pretty decent. Right, Dowoon?” He tries to convince to the other two, with Dowoon nodding his support as backup. “He even offered and gave me a ride home yesterday because it’s raining. I mean, in hindsight, I still had to walk home because I had to lie about where I live. I mean, I can’t have my father see me with Brian again, right? But at least, it’s the thought that counts, I guess.”

Wonpil adapts a thoughtful look. “Well then, why don’t you try to befriend him then? Invite him to eat with us at lunch. I heard someone has seen him eating alone by the faculty side entrance.”

“Or maybe that’s because he likes to be alone though.” Dowoon reasons. “He doesn’t strike me as someone who’s a charity case in the friendship department.”

“Hey, I didn’t say that he is.” Wonpil berates, gently flicking the younger on the forehead. “I just meant that it won’t hurt to ask him to sit with us.” He turns to face Jae. “That will also help you in your English project, right? Becoming friends with your partner?”

Jae sighs, considering those words. “Yeah… but we haven’t gotten much time to really talk to each other yet so I’m not sure how to properly bring it up to him without being weird. But you’re right, I’ll try to ask him soon. We were actually more than civil yesterday, even joked around a few times, which is a huge surprise for me.”

“Oh, speaking of,” Sungjin perks up, nudging Jae by the arm as he’s looking at something down the hallway with a slight teasing smile. “Your new best friend is here.”

Confused, Jae follows his gaze only to see that Brian is making his way down the hall. That red hair of his, unmistakable as ever. And he's still with that casual and slightly lazy pace as he ignores everyone around him. A quirk of his that has started to feel familiar to Jae. 

He can’t help but to study Brian’s features. He really has an air of quiet confidence surrounding him. Partnered with that feline-like eyes of his, one quick glance at Brian and you’ll definitely think that he’s intimidating. And rightfully so. 

Just from being in the same car as Brian and Mr. Kang, Jae has practically felt the tension radiating from his classmate. He feels like Brian is the type that gets scary when he’s genuinely angry. Not because he’s afraid Brian will do anything bad but because he believes that once you taint Brian’s good opinion of you, it’s difficult to mend that. No matter how much apologizing and groveling you choose to do.

That, or for some unknown reason, Jae’s just starting to put value on what Brian thinks of him too.

He begins to wonder what's possibly behind the animosity between the two of them. Jae is still surprised about the way Brian spoke to his father like that, as if he’s such a bother and someone Brian is absolutely fed up with. From what Jae has seen, Mr. Kang seems nice. But of course, he isn’t too quick to blame and judge Brian anymore. He knows better now. After all, his own father acts like a saint in front of everyone. Jae can easily tell that there’s a deeper underlying reason behind the resentment in Brian’s tone.

As Brian gets closer to them, Jae makes a move to bring out the umbrella that he borrowed from his backpack. Pushing off the lockers, he meets his partner in the middle of the hallway, a hand outstretched in front of him to return the umbrella.

“Hey, Kang. Thanks for the ride yesterday.” He starts, flashing Brian a grateful smile.

Except that Brian plainly doesn’t meet his gaze. Or even acknowledges Jae as he just keeps walking towards their room. He brushes past Jae’s shoulder without so much as sparing him a single glance.

Jae loses his grip on the umbrella at the gesture. But it’s more out of surprised confusion than anything else. He’s at a loss for words as he’s left staring at Brian’s retreating form. 

“What the hell was that about?” Wonpil voices what’s pretty much on all of their minds right now. 

Bending down to pick up the umbrella from the ground, Dowoon gives Jae a confused look. “I thought you guys are okay now?”

“I thought so too!” Jae responds, dumbfounded and his face matching his younger friend’s confusion. “I’m pretty sure I didn’t do anything wrong this time around.”

“Maybe something happened at home.” Sungjin offers, patting a comforting hand on the small of Jae’s back. “Why don’t you ask him what’s wrong. And try to be patient or else you two might just end up fighting again.”

Jae groans in complaint. It’s starting to dawn on him that they might regress back to throwing jabs at each other again when they have just made up. Those three weeks of not talking, and therefore, not meeting about their project has given him so much stress that it has kept him up almost every night since then. He had just gotten a good night sleep the night before, he can’t go back to worrying constantly about their project again.

“I know, I know.” He agrees, slightly leaning towards Sungjin’s touch for support and reassurance. “I’ll try to ask what’s wrong and see how I can help with it.”

For once, luck seems to be on Jae’s side. 

Once him, Wonpil, and Sungjin have taken their seats in the room, it is only a matter of a couple of minutes before the bell rings for the first period. That didn’t give him enough time to talk to his partner, who is again hunched over his desk, furiously sketching on his leather-bound notebook. Jae can tell that it’s old or just well-used because it’s worn around the edges. Brian has completely shut off the entire room as he remains fully immersed in whatever he’s drawing. 

Jae figures that it won’t go over well if he interrupts him.

Fortunately, Ms. Watson called in sick this morning and so, the substitute teacher tells them that they can use this as a free period. Don’t get Jae wrong, he’s not happy that his favorite teacher is sick. But he is thankful for the outcome that it gave him.

They are all instructed to properly use this time to talk to their partners about the biography project because their first progress report submission is due in three days.

After Jae musters up enough courage, even looking behind the class to Wonpil and Sungjin for support, he scoots his chair closer to Brian’s desk.

He doesn’t let the withering glare his classmate throws to deter him because of it.

Jae waits for Brian to start talking. It seems his partner has a lot on his mind. But then, Brian doesn’t budge as he just returns his gaze to his notebook. 

It doesn’t slip Jae’s notice, however, that Brian has angled the page away from him, clearly hiding what he’s drawing. 

Deciding to just go for it, he asks, “What’s wrong, Kang?” 

Silence. He’s met with nothing but the sound of his partner’s pencil sliding over paper.

He tries again. “Did something happen at home?”

Still not a single reaction from the other.

“Brian, come on.” He continues in a pleading tone. He makes a move to wrap his fingers around Brian’s wrist in an attempt to capture his attention but chickens out at the last possible second. Instead, he pulls his hand back and proceeds to nudge the side of Brian’s thigh with his knee. “What can I do? It’s not much but maybe talking about it with me might help. Is it your father? Or is principal Scott still giving you a hard time? I know we’re not friends but maybe I can—”

“Am I that repulsive to you?” Brian’s voice cuts him off. He finally meets Jae in the eyes as he waits for an answer.

“What?” Jae suddenly feels lost. The longer he studies Brian’s features, he sees the hurt in his eyes that’s being masked by an angry facade, the more bewildered he gets.

_He thinks I’m repulsed by him? Where the hell did he get that idea?_

“Look, if you’re that ashamed to be seen with me,” Brian goes on, inching farther from him as he closes his notebook with a lot more force than necessary. “I’m going to do you a favor and beg for Ms. Watson to separate us as partners. I’ll grovel at her feet until she agrees. You happy? You can stop pretending to be nice around me now.”

The frown deepens on Jae’s face. He leans a little closer to give Brian an imploring look before saying, “I’m not pretending to be nice. And I’m not ashamed to be seen with you at all. Why would you think that? Did I do something wrong?” He pleads, gripping his hands on the edge of Brian’s desk to stop them from fidgeting.

Having the thought of someone upset with him has always made him uneasy. Growing up in the hands of his father, Jae has been mindful not to repeat any of his old mistakes. He feels like he always needs to know what he did wrong so that he can never do it again. 

Seeing this and at how uneasy and anxious Jae has gotten in mere minutes, something softens in Brian’s features. 

His tone loses its edge as he tells him, “Then why lie to me about where you live? And even before that, I honestly felt like you didn’t want to accept after I offered you a ride home.”

Realization dawns on Jae. He wants to physically smack his palm against his own face for not even considering how the things he said and did might be interpreted by Brian. He admits that he isn’t exactly acting subtle about it. But in his defense, he didn’t think that Brian would notice.

Relief floods in his chest. It’s just another misunderstanding between them after all. One that can be easily cleared away with just a little white lie.

He lets out a quick chuckle in an attempt to dispel the tension in the air. He even bends down to bump his head once, twice, and three times on Brian’s tabletop, groaning about the simple predicament they’re in. 

“Stop that before you hurt yourself.” He hears Brian mutter, reaching a hand out to block the next blow.

Warmth spreads through his chest at the thoughtfulness behind the gesture. Once more, he feels guilty for not being sensitive enough to realize what his actions must’ve looked like to Brian. It’s comforting to know, however, that Brian is upset with him over it. This means that his partner actually cares, or is starting to, about what Jae thinks of him, right? 

Jae counts that as a huge progress.

“I’m sorry.” he mumbles. “I should’ve just told you.” His voice a little muffled by his current position still slumped on top of the table.

“Told me what?” He hears the slight uncertainty in Brian’s tone.

Heaving a sigh, Jae finally lifts his head up and leans back in his chair. He fixes his glasses on his face as he shares, “My dad’s a little overprotective. Wait, no. Actually, he’s a lot overprotective. And worryingly so.” He lies, not meeting Brian in the eyes as he keeps himself distracted by playing with his fingers on the table. 

“That’s why I didn’t tell you about my real address. I do live in that neighborhood but my house is a couple of blocks away from where you dropped me off. I was afraid my father would throw a fit if he saw me getting out of a stranger’s car. He doesn’t trust a lot of people around me, especially those he’d never seen or heard about before. He became like that after mom’s accident and honestly? I can’t blame him. He worries a lot because he doesn’t want anything bad to happen to me either.”

The things he said aren't all lies. He is afraid of his father seeing Brian with him again. But it’s not for the reason he just stated. After what his father had seen Brian do all those weeks ago, kissing Jae on the cheek so blatantly out there in public, his father had been livid. He forbade Jae to hang out with “ _that_ gay boy” ever again.

Of course, Jae is wise enough not to tell him that Brian is actually the project partner he regularly meets after school at the library. He just lied and told his father that Brian is a random classmate.

He chances a glance at Brian after he hasn’t said anything right away. 

And he’s relieved to see that any untoward emotion has been wiped off his partner’s face.

“Why didn’t you just say so before getting into the car?” Brian asks with a tilt of his head. He angles his body a little sideways to fully face Jae. His demeanor has lost its defensiveness as he seems calmer and more relaxed in his seat. “Now I just feel so petty for getting mad at you so quickly. Especially after we practically made up just yesterday over a fight that had a similar reason.”

“I’m sorry.” Jae repeats, laughing at himself a little self-deprecatingly. “I guess I just got shy and embarrassed about it.”

Brian clicks his tongue at him. “There’s no need to feel embarrassed around me. I am, after all, this town’s resident screw up.” He jokes in what Jae assumes is an attempt to further lighten the mood.

“Hey, don’t say that.” He waves those words off, sending Brian a slightly disapproving frown in chide. 

Brian concedes, chuckling lightly. “No, but seriously, I would understand and respect it if you had just told me. I honestly thought you were just generally ashamed to be seen with me.”

“I’m so—”

“And stop saying you’re sorry!” Now Brian’s the one who’s chiding him. 

“I’m—” Jae catches himself as the other gives him a pointed look, clearly aware of what Jae was about to say. 

He can’t help it, it almost feels second nature to him to always apologize and take responsibility for every little thing. Again, you can blame his father for that too. 

Correcting himself, he continues, “I mean, alright I’ll stop.” He feels heat rise to his cheeks. “Or, I mean, I’ll try.”

Brian just shakes his head at him, looking surprisingly fond and amused. “Can we please promise to be direct and honest with each other from now on? For the sake of avoiding any more misunderstandings? It’s getting ridiculous and emotionally exhausting at this point.”

A tiny voice in Jae’s head nags at him as he begins to agree. How can he promise Brian what he’s asking for when Jae pretty much lied to him just now?

But as he meets Brian’s eyes again, sees the glint of hopefulness in them, he easily finds himself relenting.

He reasons that lying by omission isn’t such a bad thing as just outright telling a lie for the sake of it. It’s only one thing. He may keep hiding what his family situation is at home from Brian, but at least he’s sure that he can be honest about everything else. 

Like his partner said, it’s so they can avoid mistakenly assuming things about each other’s words and actions again. They’ve already made progress together as partners, going from a rough start, to not talking for three weeks, and then to giving each other another chance. He doesn’t want to ruin that by downright refusing what is clearly Brian’s effort to try to get to know him too.

That thought alone is enough to lift his spirits. The more they talk, the more Jae believes that he might actually get along with Brian.

“Okay, okay.” He finally agrees. For good measure, and really, he just feels the urge to tease Brian, he offers his pinky finger for the other to take. 

“Promise me.” He prompts, holding in a smile as he waits.

As expected, Brian gives off a small noise of indignance. Scoffing, he looks from Jae’s finger, up to Jae’s face, then back to his finger.

“Seriously?” He asks with a quirk of his brow.

“What?” Jae responds, his tone dripping with feigned innocence.

“I can just promise it with my words. There’s no need for this.” He gestures with his pursed lips to Jae’s finger still bravely offered and standing between them. 

This time, Jae can’t help but to let his amusement show.

Lips stretching into a slow smile, he playfully taunts, “Afraid this might ruin your broody ‘bad boy image’?”

“I don’t have a ‘bad boy image’.” Brian is quick to disagree. 

“That’s exactly what a real bad boy would say. Just take it, Kang.” Jae retorts, daring the other as he leans in even closer.

He is pleased to notice that his partner has stubbornly tightened his fists on top of the table. And because of his stubby fingers, his enclosed hands resemble that of a kitten’s paw.

Jae’s most definitely enjoying this a lot. He has turned the tables and is now the one who’s making the other feel flustered from all of this… subtle flirting? 

_Is that what this is called?_ He wonders to himself.

Of all his seventeen years of existence, he can easily count on one hand the times that he has consciously and actively flirted with another person, or at least tried to. And it is never without a good amount of overthinking done from his side before he has the guts to make the first move. But this exchange right here? It feels so easy that everything—the words and the urges to keep teasing—just comes naturally to him.

Which is in and of itself a pleasant surprise to Jae.

“You know, you can be so annoying when you want to be, Park.” Brian lets out a breath, seemingly out of defeat.

Jae takes that as a victory before he counters, “Deal with it.”

“It’s not like I have a choice.” His right fist unclenches, slowly and reluctantly. “I’m stuck with you for the rest of the year.”

Tired of waiting, Jae just closes the distance between their hands as he reaches over to hook his pinky finger with Brian’s.

“I know. What a bummer.” Jae feigns a sad pout, his adorable beady eyes shining bright. “Looks like I’m stuck with you, too.”

For the rest of the class, Jae has used his turn to ask questions to good use. Thanks to the clarification they had earlier, most of their conversations that follow after feels somewhat more casual. Lighter, even. And most definitely friendlier.

After he brings out his list full of the most basic and trivial questions to ask Brian, his partner beats him to it. He slides Jae’s notebook over the desk closer to himself as he reads through them one by one.

“Hey, give that back.” Jae protests, trying to reach for it but Brian’s arm against his chest stops him from getting closer.

“I’m trying to answer these questions quickly so that I can have my turn again.” Brian explains, writing a few things down on the page at an alarming rate.

Jae tries once more but his partner won’t budge. That, or maybe it’s just because the other’s frame is broader than his, that’s why he can’t seem to do much other than press his chest closer. He can practically feel his collarbones digging onto Brian’s surprisingly strong arm.

“No fair. What if I have more to ask that’s not written on there?” Finally, he gives up and just slumps back against his chair.

Brian ignores him and instead, reads the questions and his answers out loud. Along with a few comments thrown in here and there.

“‘Favorite childhood memory?’ Easy. Camping in the woods, just like most of the other kids here.” He begins to share, before seeming to realize something. “Oh, wait. Have you ever been camping before?”

“No, I haven’t.” Jae tells him with a tight-lipped smile. “And I kind of regret it, really.”

“Oh, that’s okay.” Brian’s cheeks slowly get tinged with rose. “You’re not missing out, I promise. Lots of bugs crawling around, no electricity and poor cell service, and tents aren’t really comfortable to sleep in. Plus, you’re surrounded by nothing but just trees and a starry skyline at night.”

“Sounds like a nightmare.” Jae plays along, a tiny smile lighting up his face as he appreciates Brian’s effort to try to make him feel better about it. “And let me guess, you can’t hear anything over the sound of crickets and owls occasionally hooting? None of the city noises and cars honking in the distance? Just peace and quiet while you’re being one with nature? Such a waste of time, I’d rather do house chores.”

Brian lets out a laugh at how Jae said all of those words in a monotone voice.

“I know. What a total disaster.” He adds, flashing his dimples to Jae. “I never want to go again.”

He feels honored that Brian has dropped the cool and unbothered facade as they keep talking between themselves, with the other suddenly unafraid to make teasing jabs at his own expense too. Jae is quick to catch early on that Brian _loves_ to banter. He’s also generous with his smiles and it’s so easy to make him laugh. This quirk of his is actually contagious that Jae feels himself starting to loosen up as well.

“Oh who am I kidding, it’s really one of the best experiences to have. Now I just miss camping even more.” Brian groans, making a whiny face that makes Jae giggle, incredibly adored. 

“When was the last time you’ve been?”

“When I was twelve. My parents and I went during the last summer before—” Brian cuts himself off. Something flashes in his expression, something heavy and sad. But before Jae has any chance to ask what’s wrong, it’s already gone. 

Instead, Brian just perks up and continues as if nothing happened at all. Taking his cue, Jae decides to let it go for now. “You know what? Let me take you on one. We’ll have to hike a bit to get to my favorite campsite but I promise it’ll be worth it. Let’s go on a random weekend, I know you’ll love it.”

“And I’m sure I will but…” he releases a dejected sigh. “I can’t, remember? I don’t think I’m allowed to have a life outside of school and home.” He recalls, scratching the back of his head self-consciously.

However, Brian doesn’t lose the edge of excitement in his tone. “Then we’ll try to come up with something. There’s still about nine months left of senior year, we’ll find a way to steal a weekend. Or maybe you can ask your friends to go. Really, it doesn’t have to be with me, I just want you to experience camping for yourself. So then, you can tell me all about it.”

Jae wants nothing more than to share his partner’s enthusiasm. But he knows it in himself how near impossible it is to do what Brian is suggesting. 

Still, he doesn’t have it in him to outright turn him down so he concurs, “Alright, alright. Easier said than done but I’ll try to make it happen. That’s all I can promise.”

Brian can be just as persistent and convincing as Jae when he wants to be.

A self-satisfied smile brightens Brian’s features as he finally slides the notebook back to Jae. Curious, Jae flips through the pages to see the new things written on there. And true to his partner’s words, a little more than half the easy questions already have answers after them.

He eagerly reads through everything, finding these tiny tidbits of information about Brian to be interesting and amusing, no matter how trivial they are. 

Favorite food?

Is this supposed to be a trick question? I love everything.

Favorite hobby?

Sleeping

Proudest trait?

Sleeping on command

Movies or music?

How dare you ask me this

And Jae’s personal favorite among Brian’s answers:

Favorite TV show?

Boss Baby, don’t laugh at me

To which he obviously laughed at like the good project partner that he is.

He’s so immersed in reading that he doesn’t catch right away what Brian means when he asks all of a sudden, “By the way, what’s yours?”

“Hm?” Jae responds, a bit distracted.

“Your favorite childhood memory.” Brian finishes, lightly tapping one of Jae’s hands to get his attention.

He finally looks up from the page of his notebook to see the other giving him an earnest look. As the words dawn on him, he doesn’t have an answer right away. Even though the moment he’s looking for easily comes into mind, he’s not exactly ready to share it. At least, not yet.

So, instead he decides to play it safe. 

Wagging his forefinger at Brian, he chides, “Nuh uh. You don’t get to ask me anything when it’s not your turn.”

Brian breathes out a sigh. “So unfair.” He comments, but otherwise lets the matter go as he prompts, “Anyways, how are my answers? Do they still make me look like I lack any substance?”

Heat rises back to Jae’s face as he recalls that fateful day all those weeks ago. He still can’t believe they basically fought and caused a minor scene in the middle of a discussion like that. And not to mention how mean he was to say such a thing.

Fortunately, looking at Brian’s face now, with the corners of his lips lifted in a subtle smile, Jae feels a bit better about it. At least the other doesn’t seem upset with it anymore and is actually the one who even brought it up as a joke.

Playing along, Jae feigns an uncertain look. “I’m not sure…” he pauses, as if hesitating. “The jury’s still out, I think.”

“You wound me, Park.” Hand on his chest, Brian pretends to be offended. In a poor attempt of a British accent, he cries, “‘You have no compassion for my poor nerves.’”

Jae is beyond astounded.

“Did you just quote the Pride and Prejudice?” He wants to know, giving Brian a look that’s equal parts bewildered and amazed.

The other has on a cocky smile as he plainly shrugs in response, looking oh, so smug.

Nonetheless, Jae is still impressed. 

He gives his partner an exaggerated once-over as if he’s just seeing him in a new light. “Maybe you do have substance after all.”

To which Brian lets out a bark of laughter before giving him a gentle smack on the arm in jest.

They keep on joking around and poking fun at most of Brian’s answers for a while longer that they both don’t realize a lot of time has already passed. It’s until their substitute teacher announces that they better start concluding things now because they only have ten minutes left before the bell rings did Jae remember he had another thing planned to ask Brian.

“Oh hey,” he starts, suddenly feeling shy for some unknown reason.

“What is it?” Brian encourages after sensing his hesitation. 

“Want to sit with me at lunch?” He blurts out. “I mean, with me and my friends.”

“Ah.” Brian responds. He seems like he’s choosing his words as he continues, “I don’t want to intrude.”

“You won’t.” Jae assures him. “You also know Dowoon, right? Plus, Sungjin and Wonpil are nice kids, they won’t mind you joining us. After all, those two are your classmates too.”

“I don’t know…” He feels a hint of disappointment after hearing those words. And Brian must’ve sensed it again as he’s quick to add, “But maybe next time?”

Jae can’t help a hopeful smile to stretch across his lips. “I’m holding you to that, Kang.”

Brian cocks an eyebrow at him, in mild teasing, as he reminds, “You already forced me to share a pinky promise with you, Park. I think that alone is enough to make you trust my words.”

Jae’s bright laugh is the last of their exchange before the bell finally rings.

***

As he’s bursting through the doors of the library later that afternoon, it comes as a huge relief to see that Brian is still sitting there on their usual table. He had just come from a monthly meeting with the rest of the other student council members that’s why he’s fifteen minutes late. They didn’t talk about much, at least none that specifically concerns Jae but he still has to be present for it if he wants to maintain his excellent extracurricular performance.

“I’m sorry I’m late.” Is what he says as a greeting before sinking down onto the chair opposite his partner. He’s panting a little because he ran most of the way here, afraid that Brian assumed he got stood up again. “How long have you been waiting?”

“Too long. I was _this_ close to going home.” He emphasizes by forming a sliver of space between his thumb and forefinger.

Jae slumps on top of the table out of guilt. “Council meetings don’t usually take too long. We just had to wait for the president to arrive today. I’m really sorry.”

“I don’t care. Make it up to me.” Brian demands like a petulant child. “And what did I say about apologizing too much?”

One look at the other’s face and sees the playful glint that softens the intensity of his eyes lets Jae know that Brian isn’t upset. Still, since he feels responsible for making him wait, he decides to play along.

“Alright, what can I do?” He asks, preparing himself for whatever ridiculous request his partner will throw at him.

However, he’s still taken aback when Brian responds with, “Teach me how to play badminton.”

“Wha— but… right now? Why?” He stutters, feeling confused. His mind is still trying to process what he just heard.

“Why not?” Brian shrugs, casually leaning back against his chair. One of his sharp brows are lifted almost daringly. “And besides, since it’s my turn now, it’s only fair that I choose how and where I’m going to ask you these questions, right?”

A frown finds itself in Jae’s otherwise smooth and angelic face. “Okay… but why badminton?”

“Well, after I found out that my partner for this project is a yearbook hall of famer for being awarded the MVP every year during middle school, I figured I should learn from the best.” 

Jae feels something heavy settling on his chest upon hearing those words. At first, he doesn’t know what to name this feeling. But as his mind transports him back to those days, times when he’d come home after a long training session with his body tired but his heart full to the brim with freeing satisfaction, he realizes right away what this is.

It’s longing.

He misses the feel of holding a racket in his right hand, his whole arm being too sore that he’s afraid it might fall off, and the pain climbing up his ankles and legs for shifting positions back and forth on the court.

He’s absolutely proud of himself for how much he’s improved at such a young age. Badminton is one of the few things he loved in his life. That is, until his father started claiming that it’s just another distraction to his studies too.

It’s been three years since he last dared himself to play the sport. He can't even begin to describe how much he yearns for it.

And maybe that is exactly the reason why he easily finds himself granting Brian’s request.

This is where they are now, claiming one of the three courtyards in the school for themselves as they stood on opposite sides, facing each other. After surprising Mark, one of his old teammates who still plays until now, when Jae borrowed a pair of rackets and a couple of shuttlecocks, he dragged Brian into the courtyard that’s less frequented by the other students. 

“Come on and serve already." He taunts Brian as he bounces on the balls of his feet. He’s been feeling a little giddy for the past few minutes. He doesn’t even care that he’s not wearing the proper shoes for this. His worn out black Chucks will do.

“Maybe if you tried to teach me properly…” Brian retorts as he fails to hit the shuttlecock for the third time in a row.

“There’s not much to teach.” Jae responds, stepping over the imaginary line that divides their sides to get a closer look at Brian’s serving posture. “Show me one more time how you do it.”

With his lips forming a tiny pout as he concentrates, Brian tries to repeat what he did.

“Ah, no. Not like that.” Jae interrupts. “You’re trying to do it like it’s tennis. Whatever point you get with that won’t be counted. Hit it below your waist using a backhanded serve.”

“Like this?” He does it a bit better but his backhand is still looking awkward.

“Much better.” Jae comments. “But you won’t be able to properly hit the shuttlecock like that. Relax your arm and lower your wrist a little bit more.”

Brian follows, but then his hips are still too stiff and his stance is too loose. “How about now?”

“Not quite…” Jae mutters, busy observing his form. 

Without thinking, he moves to stand behind Brian and places his hands on either side of his waist to adjust him. Having Brian’s back flushed against his chest and with his own head properly nestled on top of the other’s shoulder, Jae has half a mind to notice two things: that Brian’s hair smells faintly of lavender, and that he has a couple of tiny moles by the side of his neck. 

He thinks it actually looks cute. Adorable, even.

And as quick as the thought comes, Jae's even faster to mentally berate himself for thinking that in the first place.

_Why the hell would I find Brian’s moles cute?!_

Since he’s too caught up by the act of teaching Brian his favorite sport, Jae quickly dismisses the thought as he instructs, “Your feet should be shoulder-width apart and keep your hips aligned with them.” His head is bent, looking down Brian's front to observe how the other heeds his instructions.

“Are you trying to make a move on me?”

Jae doesn’t register the words right away until he’s looking back up to meet Brian’s teasing eyes.

Heat rapidly rising to his cheeks, he lets go of the other as if the touch burns his skin. “I wasn’t— that’s not… I was just, _you_ ask me to teach you!” He stammers, breaking off their gaze.

Brian’s melodious laughter rings in the air between them. He’s clearly enjoying it every time he gets Jae feeling flustered. 

“Yeah, but not by giving me a more _hands-on_ tutorial, coach.” He counters, his tone dripping with insinuations.

“Well you do it yourself then!” Jae’s entire face feels too warm, he already knows his cheeks reflect that. He puts a good distance between him and Brian as he tries to defend himself. “You weren’t following me correctly. I was just trying to help so we can start playing now.”

“Alright, alright. I’m sorry.” Brian concedes, though it seems that he doesn't mean it completely. His amusement is still ringing true with every word. “Come back here and teach me again. I promise I’ll stop teasing.”

Jae lifts his eyes back to Brian’s, studying him. Even though the smile doesn’t drop from the other’s features, Jae decides that he’s telling the truth. And really, he just wants to start playing now. His entire body is pretty much yearning for it.

Carefully stepping back behind Brian, but with much more space between their bodies this time, he guides Brian's right arm holding the racket into the proper position. And with his free hand, he encloses his fingers around Brian’s wrist to place the shuttlecock in front of the racket.

Because of their height difference, his chin is located just by the junction between Brian’s neck and right shoulder. 

Keeping his voice low and close to the other’s ear, he tells him, “You’re supposed to flick your wrist the moment your other hand lets go of the shuttle. Just a simple flick, the power and control are both dependent on the movement of your wrist when serving.”

Brian gives an obedient nod.

“Now, on the count of three.” Jae continues, still in that low and serious voice as he gently lets go of Brian. “Do exactly as I said while keeping your stance.” Taking a step back, he asks, “You ready?”

“Yeah.” Brian responds just as quietly.

“Okay. In three,” he starts, “two, one.”

Following his words, Brian successfully makes his first real serve. The shuttle comes flying a good arc above them and lands well onto Jae’s side of the courtyard.

“How’s that?” Brian excitedly asks, a proud smile lighting up his eyes. 

“Pretty good actually.” Jae commends. “Well, I mean, I taught you so…”

Brian snorts at that. “Oh please, now you take credit. Why don’t we just start playing now? I might stand a chance to win, maybe your skills have gotten pretty rusty.”

Jae feigns an offended look. “Excuse me? I wasn’t a hall of famer for nothing.”

And with that, he quickly jogs back to his place to start the first round.

For the first few minutes in the game, they struggle to find their stride. Jae feels as if his skills may have in fact gotten rusty and, well, Brian is still a novice player. Though he’s actually faring well for himself if Jae wishes to be honest. But of course, he won’t tell Brian that.

It took a few more tries but luckily, Brian is able to do one serve after another without missing the shuttle. And it’s only then that their game finally starts getting interesting. 

As they rally the shuttle back and forth, Jae tries to impress Brian with his moves by directing his shots to every blind spot he could see. This tactic of his easily earned him a lead in their scoring but unfortunately for Jae, Brian is also a quick learner. He stopped moving to the outer areas in his courtside and began guarding the center with undivided attention. And sure, he still sometimes struggles with using his backhand but his shots surprisingly have strong momentum in them. 

Jae would love to praise him for it. But then that ruins the fun for him.

Because the more Brian loses a point, the more frustrated and determined he gets. That means little by little, he becomes a better opponent for Jae.

They tease and mock each other whenever the other one messes up. And then they also cheer loudly for each other whenever they score a seemingly difficult shot.

Jae can’t remember the last time he has ever had this much fun in the past few months.

Ultimately, they didn’t play the best of 3 games because they’re pressed for time. They have to cut the game short because both their fathers will soon come to pick them up. They both still have to return these rackets and shuttlecocks, rest up a bit so they at least won’t look like they’ve run a marathon, and walk back to the library to keep up pretenses that they’ve been studying for the past hour. At least for Jae’s sake, they can’t let his father have even just a hint of suspicion that his son, God forbid, played badminton instead of studying for once.

Of course, they also talked about Brian having to ask his own father to pick him up at a different part of school for the mere reason that Jae's father can't see them together.

After they bickered a bit about the final score—15:20 with Jae obviously bagging the win—and properly returned the equipment, they sat on one of the benches surrounding the perimeter of the courtyard first to take a breath while sharing Jae’s water tumbler.

“Thanks for this, by the way.” Jae starts, nudging his knee against Brian’s. “Though I feel kind of bad because you didn’t get to ask me your questions. We wasted your turn just by playing.”

“Hey, no.” Brian disagrees. “We had fun, didn’t we? That isn’t such a waste of time in my book.” He flashes Jae a reassuring smile before taking a drink.

“True…” Jae relents. And even though his arm and shoulder are just starting to feel sore, his chest feels the lightest it’s ever been in months. “But still, thanks for suggesting this. I didn’t know I needed it until now.”

“Don’t mention it.” Brian responds, handing him back his water bottle. “This sure beats sitting around in the library talking non-stop about our project.”

Jae breathes out a tiny chuckle. “Speaking of, I’m actually planning on submitting my progress report tonight.”

“Three days ahead of the deadline.” Brian notes, tilting his head at Jae. “I wouldn’t expect anything less from you.”

“Oh, shut up.” In response, Jae bumps their shoulders together. “Anyways, what’s your email? I’ll send a copy of what I wrote to you first.”

“Why?”

“So that you can go over them and see if I’ve written down anything you don’t like.”

“Wow. That’s…” Brian pauses, thinking of the right word. “That’s actually thoughtful of you, Park. But really, you don’t have to ask for my approval. Those are your observations based on my answers and actions. If there’s anything I don’t like, then I’ll just have to live with it. I can’t expect to like everything that I find out about myself.”

“And that’s so mature of you, Kang.” Jae tells him, halfway between teasing and impressed.

“Don’t sound so surprised.” Brian quips, giving him a look.

“No but seriously, I get what you mean.” Letting out a sigh, he meets Brian’s eyes as he pleads, “But still, it would make me feel better knowing that you at least read the things I wrote about you. Not that I already have written something you might potentially dislike. Not yet at least.” He adds as a joke. “So, email?”

Brian groans a bit from Jae’s persistence. But even so, he gives in to what he asks. “Fine. It’s burgerkang93@gmail.com.”

Jae can’t help but to bark out a laughter, delightedly surprised. “Seriously?”

“What? You should feel honored that I gave you my personal email.” Brian actually appears as if he’s unabashedly proud of it. “Not a lot of people know about it, you know.”

“Oh, so you have another one then?”

“No. This is my only email.” He admits, actually looking sheepish for once.

“Thought so.” Jae chuckles lightly to himself. “Anyways, I better go. My father might throw a fit if he gets at the library and I’m not immediately there waiting for him.”

He makes a move to stand up from the bench, but a hand grabbing his wrist stops him.

“Oh, hey. Before we go, can I ask you one question?”

A sliver of worry makes Jae’s heartbeat race a little in his chest. Judging from the hesitation in Brian’s tone, he’s afraid to know what he has in mind.

Still, he finds himself prompting, “Why are you asking for permission? I thought we agreed to be more direct and honest with each other now. Just go and ask me. It’s still your turn after all.”

“Well, it’s a little personal.” Brian gives him an imploring look.

“Ah. I see.” Jae takes a deep breath after having been proven that he’s right to worry. “Alright, shoot. I can take it. Probably. But in exchange,” seizing the moment for what it is—an opportunity—Jae bargains, “I’ll ask you a personal one as well. Deal?”

Brian perks up at that “Deal.” He’s quick to accept as if he isn’t worried about whatever personal question Jae will be able to come up with. “So I guess I’ll go first then?”

Jae nods as he prepares himself.

“Okay, so, uh,” Brian starts, releasing his grip on Jae as he asks, “Why did you stop playing? I mean, you clearly love and enjoy it.”

Jae doesn’t know whether to feel relieved or just get more afraid. Relieved because the question isn’t exactly close to the worst possible one he had in mind. And afraid because he knows that in answering this, he’s going to expose a small vulnerability of himself to someone that he just met barely a month ago.

He considers lying. But then just the thought of it makes him feel so guilty. Especially after Brian already gave him this short moment of happiness, allowing him to play the sport that he loves even just for a short while.

And so, ultimately, he decides to tell him half of the truth.

“I stopped because my father told me to.” He confesses, plain and simple.

A small frown finds its way to Brian’s face. He’s careful with his words as he goes, “Why do you always do what your father tells you to?”

“Because I learned long ago that it’s easier to follow than to fight.” Jae admits averting his gaze as he gets a faraway look in his eyes. He’s reminded of all those times he tried to stand up for his mom and himself back when all of this began. How, if he only learned his lesson early on, he would’ve saved himself from receiving a lot of hidden bruises. “If I want to be able to leave our house and be on my own someday, I have to play by my father’s rules first. It’s the only choice I have.”

“Oh, Jae…” Brian sympathizes. His voice sounds quiet but oh, so sweet and full of concern. Jae’s afraid to face him again, afraid of what he’ll see staring back at him. He doesn’t want pity. He doesn’t want anything but some semblance of normalcy and a distraction. So that whenever he’s not at home, he can pretend that this pathetic excuse of a life isn’t his. 

This is also probably why he’s willing to consider staying on this town, so that he can keep on clinging to his friends. They’re the only ones able to give him all of that. They help him forget the unforgettable. But most importantly, they make Jae feel like himself whenever he’s with them. He’s not sure he can let all of that go when they graduate.

To stop his thoughts from spiralling down, he shakes his head a few times as if that’ll help him get rid of them. Looking back at Brian again after plastering a smile to his face, Jae tries to steer the conversation back to something safe. He keeps his tone casual but his eyes are pleading for the other to take the hint.

“It’s okay. _I’m_ okay.” He assures, shrugging off Brian’s concern. “But enough about me, I believe I was promised a personal question too.”

Fortunately, his partner is quick to read his cues. He wipes the frown and the worry off his features as he begrudgingly responds, “Fine… but you better give me your best shot. Don’t waste your chance.” He goads, slightly playful.

Jae appreciates Brian’s effort to lighten the mood as he feels his chest start to loosen again. Deciding not to prolong it further, after all, he is curious too, he finally says the one thing he’s been meaning to ask his partner even since they met.

“What do you draw, Brian?” He begins, making sure that their eyes meet as before he adds, “And why do you seem so upset with it every single time?”

Brian does in fact look taken aback by that. Jae doesn’t know whether to feel proud of himself or be guilty. He did challenge Jae to come up with a good question. And since it’s something that he noticed weeks ago—that this specific topic seems like a sore subject for Brian—this is understandably the first question that came to mind. 

But now that he saw the opportunity to ask, he’s starting to doubt if it isn’t such a good idea to do so after all.

Thankfully, his guilt hasn’t been given enough time to build itself back up as Brian answers him without much hesitation. 

“It’s a portrait of my mom.” He lets out a long, heavy breath at the admission. “She died of leukemia four years ago. I’ve been trying and failing—quite miserably—to draw her from memory alone. But lately, I’ve been getting frustrated because I’m starting to forget the tiny details of what she looks like: the crinkles around her eyes whenever she smiles, the subtle lines on her forehead that appear on the rare times that she’s angry, every small thing. She hasn’t been gone for long but I’m terrified that, one of these days, I’ll have to rely on looking at our old photos to remind me of her.” He finishes, his shoulders sagging with it as if a weight has been lifted off of them.

Something painful twists in Jae’s chest. He feels for the other as he hears the unmistakable sound of longing and grief in Brian’s words. Just like how his own question surprised Brian, the answer that he got for it is also something that Jae never expected. 

“Brian,” he starts, shifting in his seat so that his body is angled towards the other, “you know that forgetting all those details doesn’t mean you love her any less, right? Thirteen was still too young to lose someone, let alone your own mother, please don’t be too hard on yourself.”

“I appreciate that but, sadly I’m still not in the correct state to accept that.” He gives off a helpless laugh, lacking any hint of humor. “All of this self-loathing and frustration keeps me distracted from falling apart day and night.”

Gently, he lays a hand on Brian’s shoulder. It’s for comfort and support. But it can also be for reassurance, whatever it is that his partner is willing to accept from the gesture.

“I’m really sorry that you’re going through this.” 

“I know. Me too.” A sad smile lends itself on Brian’s lips. “But hey, you better go now. It’s almost six.”

Jae wants nothing more than to stay longer. And while he’s still not too keen on sharing his vulnerabilities with other people, he wishes to at least be here and provide support because Brian just opened himself up to him like this. It’s the least he can do to thank Brian for giving him this afternoon.

He wants to keep talking and explore this development in their… acquaintance? Partnership? No, those are too impersonal. The right word that Jae’s looking for is friendship. They really have come a long way from basically being at each other’s throats in front of the entire class, to ignoring each other for weeks, and all the way to here: openly and willingly exchanging deep and personal stories of themselves.

He genuinely feels honored that Brian chose to trust him with it.

Unfortunately, he really has to leave now if he wants to arrive in front of the library before his father does. So, while this day has been fun, he knows that he always needs to go back to reality. 

Brian has made him forget about what’s waiting for him at home even for just an hour. And for that alone, Jae is eternally grateful.

  
  


Later that night, after he’s done doing all his nightly chores, Jae finally gets to sending the email that he promised his partner. Sitting in bed with his old laptop, he finds himself snickering silently as he types in the recipient.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Cc: jaehyungpark_@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **There. I used my personal email too. You happy?**  
  
Hey, Kang. Here’s my first progress report. Please give it a read and get back to me asap. I’m planning on submitting it tomorrow morning at the latest.  
  
\- Jae  
  
Attachment: **ParkJae_engprogress_1.pdf**

He gets a response not more than fifteen minutes later. _Well that was quick._ He comments to himself. He doesn’t open the email right away because he’s anxious to know what Brian thinks of his draft submission.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To:lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **Did you seriously just cc this to your other email??? What for?**  
  
Hey there, Jaejae ;) I have read it and everything looks good so far! You seem to have forgotten to include something though? The one we talked about earlier, about my struggle in drawing my mom from memory. It’s not there in the pdf.  
  
\- Bribri (I matched it with your nickname. Do you like it?)

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Cc: jaehyungpark_@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **So you’ll know what a formal email looks like. HA. :p**  
  
You noticed that, huh? I actually didn’t include it on purpose.  
  
ps: ‘Bribri’? Really? The name sounds cute. Clearly, it doesn’t suit you.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To:lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **I know what they are! I’m just too lazy to make another one. Did you even consider that, genius?**  
  
Why not?  
  
ps: Yes, it does. I’m hella cute. You need better glasses.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Cc: jaehyungpark_@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **Excuses, excuses… sounding defensive aren’t we, Mr. Burger Kang?**  
  
Well, I feel like you shared that to me as a friend and not as a project partner. So, as your friend, I think it’s only right that I treasure it.  
  
ps: I don’t need glasses to look at you. Just your red hair alone is enough to make me spot you in a crowd. And, um, excuse me? I’m hella cuter than you.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To:lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **You’re one to talk, ‘Lil Chick-ssi. (By the way, why that name?)**  
  
Oh, so are we friends now?  
  
ps: So you admit it, then? That I’m cute? ;) I gotchu there :p  
pps: Also, why are we having three conversations at once? It’s mentally exhausting.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Cc: jaehyungpark_@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **Sungjin came up with it back in grade school for revenge after I started calling him Bob the Builder. The nickname just stuck, I guess.**  
  
Yes, we are. So shut up and don’t be picky.  
ps: You’re twisting my words, I never said that!  
pps: Fine, I’ll keep this short. Gonna go to bed now anyways, good night!

Now that he’s finally able to relax after knowing that he did the right thing, Jae doesn’t wait for a reply as he shuts down his laptop to settle in for the night. And so he doesn’t read right away what Brian sent until the next morning.

But it doesn’t matter.

It’s actually better this way because then, Jae’s starting his day with a warm smile on his face after reading what Brian sent.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To:lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: <No subject>  
  
Thank you, Jae. I really appreciate that. And, about what you told me? The reason why you stopped playing? Don’t worry, I’ll keep that to myself too.  
Good night.  
  
-Brian


	4. oh, i always let you down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which brian takes jae by surprise

Friday afternoon finds Brian seated inside the principal’s office yet again. He loses count of how many times he’s been called to be here. Mind you, however, that most of those times were just to find out in which part of the school he is being sent to slave away again for his community service. This is probably the second time that he doesn’t have a clue why he’s here because he knows for certain that he did nothing wrong.

“A couple of junior students reported to me that you went and threatened to hurt them in the school library a few weeks ago." Principal Scott informs Brian before leaning forward on his desk. With an eyebrow cocked almost in a challenging manner, he continues, “Let me remind you that my school has a zero tolerance policy on bullying. Care to tell me what happened?”

Brian resists the urge to roll his eyes. It’s been about two weeks since that incident at the library, why is he just bringing it up now? Is their principal just finding reasons to punish him? Is dangling the reminder that Brian is still walking on eggshells in this school’s administration what makes principal Scott get out of bed every morning? 

And besides, Brian knows that even if he’ll recount what really happened, down to the littlest of details, their principal already had his mind set against him—the school’s supposed troublemaker on paper. No amount of truth-telling will convince this man that Brian was actually defending a fellow student. And that it was actually those same juniors who were the ones bothering Dowoon.

Sitting back against the chair directly facing their principal and running a hand through his bright burgundy hair, Brian lets out a tired sigh before answering, “I have no doubt that those kids already told you the story in such _fascinating_ detail”—he accentuates, tone dripping with sarcasm—“so why are you still asking me about it?”

Of course, he is still the same old Brian so he exerts the littlest of efforts to bite his tongue. He knows it’s probably—or most definitely—not the best idea but his tolerance level for this egotistic, dictator-wannabe, and pitiful excuse of a principal has long reached its limit. At this point, he’s already vowed to himself that he won’t start anything that would involve that man. But he sure won’t take things lying down without a fight either.

Besides, as long as principal Scott doesn’t have concrete evidence of Brian breaking any of his probation rules, his usual threats and power-trip tactics will remain just that. Annoying, yes. But definitely harmless. So Brian’s doing his part to make them stay that way. He started participating in his classes again, his grades have improved over the course of a month and a half, and he even made friends—well, _a_ friend; while he’s already getting comfortable around Jae, he’s still unsure about how Dowoon sees him. 

“I don’t appreciate your tone, Kang. Don’t you dare test me.” Principal Scott’s gaze hardens and his jaw clenched as he takes in Brian’s defiant posture and unfazed demeanor. “I don’t know how you got away with being a miscreant”—Brian almost snorted at the term—“in that old posh private school of yours downtown but you’re in _my_ school now. And therefore, you must abide by _my_ rules. To think, I was even being generous by letting you get away with that god awful hair of yours. If I see or hear about you testing my authority again, well let’s just say I won’t be as nice in dealing with you again…” he trails off, staring Brian down.

 _You didn’t_ let _me get away with it. There were no prohibitions written in the handbook regarding this._ Brian wants to pull all of his hair out in frustration. But then he doesn’t want to give this man the satisfaction of it so he keeps his thoughts to himself.

He knows that in order to get people whose ego is as big as this man off his back, he needs to let them think they have the upper hand.

Letting out a breath in defeat, Brian concedes. “Alright, I won’t do that again. I won’t bother those kids again.” _As if I even want to._

There’s a sudden glint in principal Scott’s eyes after hearing those words.

“And?” He prompts.

Brian cocks an eyebrow in questioning.

“I want you to personally apologize to those kids that you bullied.” He supplies, the small smile stretching across his face is nothing short of taunting. “Since they’re members of the soccer team, they contribute more to school spirit than you do. I think you can understand why I can’t and won’t let this small incident pass. Apologize to them.”

“I will,” Brian replies through gritted teeth, “if they ever come across me again.”

“Oh, they will.” The principal enthusiastically agrees. And that worries Brian. “Because starting next week for your community service, I’ll be putting you on clean-up duty in the hallway by the gym lockers until further notice. Are we clear on that?”

Well. This is just great. There are more opportunities for Mohawk and Bodyguard to exact their revenge on him now for wounding their egos. And Brian's willing to bet his car that the principal will definitely turn a blind eye on that too. At least on the bright side, hopefully they'll start turning their attention to him now instead of bothering Dowoon again.

Brian has no choice but to nod his head and accept.

“Good.” Principal Scott sits back on his chair, satisfied. The smile remains plastered on his face. “You can start there Monday afternoon after last period.”

Brian’s fingers itch to grab one of the straps of his sling bag resting on the floor by his left foot. He doesn’t even have it in him to be angry anymore. This short meeting with the principal has drained and exhausted him so much already. All he wants to do now is to leave this place and go home. He doesn’t even care that he’ll have to explain to his father why he was called to the principal’s office again.

“Can I go now?” He asks, his grip tightening on the strap just to have something else to focus on.

“Fine. You’re dismissed.” The principal allows, gesturing his right hand in a shooing motion.

As soon as he hears those words, Brian wastes no time getting up from the chair and pulling his bag off the floor. In his head, he pictures locking himself in his room for all afternoon and until the rest of the night. He feels so unmotivated that all he wants to do is lay in bed and not talk to a single soul for hours on end.

“Oh, and between you and me?” Principal Scott starts again, his tone oozing with a false sense of conspiracy as he stops Brian short of opening the office door. “In case you start feeling comfortable here, I just want you to know that I’m most definitely not past fabricating stories and evidence to report back to your juvenile probation officer. Know that I’m willing to do anything to finally have you kicked out of my school. You still have three months left of probation. A lot can still happen until then. So, like I said, Kang. Don’t you dare test me again.”

Brian’s grip on his sling bag is so tight that he's pulling on the strap as it digs into his left shoulder. He ignores the growing pain as anger and worry flare deep in his gut. He’s angry for obvious reasons: even when he's not doing anything wrong, he can still get kicked out of here. And he’s worried because no matter how much he wants people to think that he no longer cares about school, he actually wants to graduate. He knows that that is the only thing that will allow him to move out of their house and to finally escape this damn small town. 

Hiding the fact that that threat bothers him so much, Brian forces himself to meet the principal’s eyes head-on. He won’t let the other know just how affected he is by those words. He won’t let himself appear weak. Never. Especially not in front of people like him. 

_Besides, I’ve heard worse threats than this._ He reminds himself in an attempt to calm his nerves.

With one last look at their principal’s sickening grin, Brian finally turns away to leave.

His father is standing by the side of their car in the parking lot waiting for him. He doesn’t feel an ounce of relief whatsoever now that the lot is mostly empty of the other students; there’s no more audience left there to see him, a senior no less, still getting driven by his father to and from school. He also doesn’t even feel annoyed that his father is still adamant on not giving him back the keys to his own car. He just doesn’t want to feel anything at the moment, really. 

Brian avoids his father’s questioning gaze as he heads straight towards the passenger side, gets in quickly, and slams the door shut. He can see his father trying to study him through the windshield, looking halfway between dumbfounded and worried.

Brian pointedly ignores that look too as he rests his head by the window before closing his eyes. He takes a few deep breaths as an attempt to calm his racing heart. As with all the other times he talked to that principal, he’s always left reeling and his muscles feel like they’re coiled too tight. It’s either out of anger, fear, or anxiety, his mood just constantly plummets every single time. At this point, he just wants to get away from there as soon as possible. 

The sound of his father going back to the driver’s seat gathers his attention. He’s slowly starting to relax now after focusing on his breathing for a short while. 

Home. Bed. Sleep. He’s repeating those things in his head like a mantra as he shrugs off the tension from his shoulders. But it’s when an odd moment of silence stretches on inside the car that he dares to see what’s taking his father so long. 

“Why aren’t we leaving?” He eyes his father who’s currently hesitating to turn the key in the ignition.

“Do you mind telling me what happened?” His father implores instead as he meets Brian’s gaze.

“Yes, I do.” He’s quick to shoot it down, firm and unrelenting. “Now can we please just go home?” 

“Brian, come on…” His dad keeps trying. “Why were you called to the principal’s office today? I thought you’ve started doing good at school lately again. I mean, you even meet with your project partner everyday for the past month and a half now, right? Is that principal still giving you a hard time?”

Brian’s really not in the mood to talk right now, especially since he knows that this will probably just end up becoming another argument, so he chooses to stay silent. Instead, he just looks away in exasperation, hoping his father will drop it. He just can’t, for the life of him, muster up the energy to deal with another person right now. 

However, his father still doesn’t budge. “How can I help if you don’t tell me what’s—”

“Later.” Brian cuts him off, his patience wearing thin. “I’m just… I’m exhausted, please. I want to go home.”

 _How can you help?_ Brian repeats in his head with a snort.

It’s so unfair. His father finally decides that his son’s business is his business too but when, back in Brian’s private school, he didn’t even bother talking to the board for his son’s sake. Brian was all alone when they told him that he’s no longer welcome to enroll again after he finishes his junior year. He had to endure all of that by himself. His father was too busy playing the role of a worried sick lover sitting by Stella’s hospital bed to do anything else. 

He has no right to decide to care now and expect Brian will just easily forgive and accept his efforts. Brian hates that there’s still a part of him that’s moved by his dad trying, still yearns to know if he genuinely cares. But after all that’s happened, after all the things he did and didn’t do as Brian’s father, it’s _almost_ too little, too late. 

And yet, there are still tiny slivers of longing and hope that easily wormed their way into his heart because of this.

After a few more beats of silence, finally— _finally—_ his father listens to him. Brian hears him release a heavy sigh before the sound of the car starting breaks the stillness between them. 

And it’s when they finally exit the school parking lot does the pressure in Brian’s chest start to loosen, permitting him to breathe easy again. 

***

**1 Mail Notification from Jaehyung Park**

Brian’s phone alerts him of a new email just as he and his father are walking into the front door. It’s early evening by the time they get home and after taking off his shoes in the foyer, he quickly heads up the stairs to escape to his room where he plans to stay for the rest of the night until late Saturday morning.

“Oh, uh… Brian, wait.” Mr. Kang calls after him. “What do you want to eat for dinner tonight?”

“Nothing. I’m not hungry.” Brian replies, curt and a bit dismissive as he hurries his steps and not once looking back. 

As soon as he’s inside the safety and comfort of his room, he wastes no time changing into his favorite pair of soft blue pajama bottoms and plain black shirt. He gracelessly dumps his bag on the floor below his television set before walking over to his desk. But instead of grabbing his worn out sketchpad like he initially intended, his hands go for his laptop almost subconsciously. Without feeling the need to question why, he picks it up from the table.

Now that he has everything he might need for the rest of the evening, he finally plops down onto his bed and heaves a long sigh of relief. 

He stares up at the ceiling for a while as he tries to forget everything that’s happened since the early afternoon and up to this point. Clearing his head, he takes a few deep breaths before powering his computer back on. 

Knowing that a message from Jae is waiting for him surprisingly makes his chest feel lighter. Ever since their first night of exchanging emails, they have actually made a habit of it over the past few weeks. Brian would have loved the convenience of just texting each other, as he even offered his number for Jae to take, but his project partner gently refused. 

“My dad actually doesn't like seeing me use my phone often.” Jae had shared this during one of their daily after school meetups at the library. “You know how, um, overprotective he is. At least when I’m emailing you with my computer, I can pretend that I’m studying so he won’t suspect anything of it. I hope you understand.”

Of course, Brian does, no question. And, if he’s being completely honest, he actually likes and prefers that they’re exchanging emails too. In this day and age, he likes the uniqueness of it. And the feeling of excitement and anticipation he gets after seeing Jae’s emails waiting for him to be read is often the highlight of his days. 

A small smile slowly stretches across his lips as he finally reads the subject of the email. 

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **If you don’t answer this in the next 2 hours, I’ll call the cops on principal Scott.  
  
** So, what’s the verdict? Please tell me you’re not getting kicked out of school. I’d hate to get sole custody of our bouncing-baby-project when we’re just barely two months into this partnership. 

Brian lets out a few chuckles after reading. He’s not going to lie. After the first few days of getting to know his partner, he’s pleasantly surprised about a lot of things. He loves Jae’s sense of humor that he sometimes finds himself having to keep up. He also appreciates that, through the times they spent working on their project, Jae is subtly yet constantly challenging him to be a good student. Or at least, to care about his studies again the way he used to. Jae would ask about his other classes as well, offering his help if needed. And he would even shower Brian with praises after every time he reads a fairly articulate and well-written paragraph on Brian’s progress reports. Which ultimately led to Brian wanting to do it often so that he’d get to hear more of them. 

(“Damn, Kang, I didn’t know you’re smart.” Jae had once said, halfway between being playful and incredulous. His partner was looking at him in slight wonder, head tilted to the side, eyebrows raised, and lips forming a small ‘O’. He genuinely looked adorable. It was during that day that Brian realized he wanted to keep surprising Jae.)

You see, at first he was only doing it out of guilt because he didn’t want to drag Jae’s grades down with him if he slacks off on this assignment. But as the days stretched on, he slowly finds himself getting motivated to work just as hard. He might not have actively participated in class discussions again after that one time when he intended to embarrass Jae (he still cringes over how petty that exchange was back then), but after the first progress report he had sent in that got responded with words of approval from Ms. Watson as well, Brian gets this familiar feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment in his gut. It didn’t take long for him to realize that he misses it, misses caring about something again.

Staring back at the screen of his computer, he is mildly tempted to ask Jae for a video chat. He reasons that, since he got called back into the principal’s office after helping out at the cafeteria for his daily after school community service, he kind of wants to make up for having to cancel their library meet up for the day. They’re currently on the important topic of discussing their past relationships—familial, platonic, and romantic—and how these have influenced and shaped who they are while growing up. He knows this is an essential writing material for each other’s biography so he feels like they can’t afford to waste another day not spent working on their paper. 

That’s really it. There’s no other reason why he wants to video chat. Not like he’s disappointed their routine got interrupted and that he’s actually looking forward to their after school meets or something. Nope, not a chance.

Shaking the thought off his head, he chickens out at the last possible second. Instead, he just settles for one of their usual way of talking: him shamelessly flirting with Jae on purpose so that the other is either flustered or fighting back with words that has Brian dumbfounded and mildly impressed. You know, the works. It’s now one of his favorite pastimes, really.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **I’m alive! No need to call the cops. But hey, I’m glad to know that you care about me this much ;)  
  
** It’s official. Principal Scott hates me. He’s out for my blood. But fortunately for you, I’m not getting kicked out yet so our bouncing-baby-project will still grow up with both parents present. I won’t leave you to fend for yourself, Park.  
  
And besides, it’s clear that you need my flowery way of writing in our assignment to boost your grade in English. After all, Ms. Watson did comment that some of your sentence structures are too technical-sounding. (HA. :P)

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **Aw, that’s too bad. I was looking forward to your alimony :(  
  
** Ah. Then consider yourself fully initiated into this school. Principal Scott hates every single one of us enrolled here. He honestly acts like a prison warden more than a principal, in my opinion. Well, on the bright side, I think this means that he now considers you as a member of the entire student body.  
  
And, excuse me??? _I_ need _you_ to boost my grade on this project? I feel personally offended. I demand compensation. Aren’t you the one who throws my questions back to me whenever we start a new topic each week? Come up with your own, dude. Also, don’t you think that the way you often write using flowery language reads too overrated and pretentious?

Brian lets out a few giggles at the slight dig. He agrees actually, but he doesn’t plan to say it right away. Where’s the fun in that?

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **Wow, barely two months into this partnership and you already want a divorce… No one can tie you down, Mr. Park. I’m crushed. Devastated. Heart-broken.  
  
** Oh, sorry. Did I say flowery? I meant poetic. Idyllic. Lyrical. Shakespearean.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **Oh, cry me a river, Kang.  
  
** Alright, I get it. No need to bring out your thesaurus on me.

He ends up snickering at that last one. He’s really quite enjoying this. Probably too much more than he’s willing to admit. He can’t help but ask himself, is he a masochist or something? Why does he enjoy it every single time Jae throws him tiny insults here and there? 

It’s too entertaining, he's not going to lie. Going back and forth with Jae keeps him on his toes. Though to be fair, he also knows that it’s all fun and games for them and that Jae doesn’t mean most of the things he says in jest. At least, Brian hopes he doesn’t.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **Are you gonna break my little heart in two?  
  
** Didn’t need one. I just big-brained you with my own words, babyyy  
But also, on the contrary, don’t you think that often using technical and straight-to-the-point way of writing is too tedious and boring? 🤪🤪🤪  


From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **Your achy-breaky heart? 💔  
  
** Um, no.   
First of all, it’s a biography so it makes sense to use technical and logical writing.   
Second, using too much “poetic, idyllic, lyrical, and Shakespearean” words sometimes loses the substance of the message too. Remember that part when you wrote about me not learning how to ride a bike? You spent too many words on describing my “desire” and “passion” to learn it that you forgot to include in the exact reason _why_ I wasn’t able to learn doing it in the first place.  
And third, don’t call me baby  


Brian barks out a beat of laughter, light and free. See? He’s having such a bright and delightful night. Which is a pleasant surprise on its own as this is such a huge turnabout from his earlier mood. He's actually lost track of time as he’s been laying in bed with his laptop for a little more than an hour now—between composing those teasing remarks (“It takes time to think of something witty, okay,” he reasons), all those minutes spent waiting for Jae’s replies, and to spending another good few seconds laughing over Jae’s words. 

He hesitates in writing his next response for a bit as he contemplates while staring at the blinking cursor on his screen. Exchanging emails with Jae fills his chest with the kind of joy he hasn’t felt in a while. This is a whole lot more than just being the perfect distraction for him.

However, there’s also a part of him that’s feeling a little guilty. He sure does hope that he’s not taking too much of Jae’s studying time by keeping this up. He doesn’t want to be the reason for Jae’s father to be disappointed in him. But if he’s being completely honest, he can’t muster up even an ounce of strength and will to bring himself to quickly end their conversation and just call it a night. He admits, he can be quite selfish like that. 

Heaving a sigh, he tries to shake off that train of thought as he gives himself permission to fully enjoy and appreciate joking around with Jae. He reasons that, after all the crap that’s happened earlier in the afternoon, he deserves this. 

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **Nooo, wrong song reference! Now i’m heart-broken AND disappointed 😥  
  
** How about 'sweetheart', then? ;)  
And, okay. How about this? Instead of just reading through each other’s progress reports, we can edit a few things that we think needs improvement or better wording. But not without asking for proper permission, of course. That way, there will be a good balance between technical and lyrical writing in both of our papers.  


From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **I’m sorry! Haha you didn’t make it too obvious. Who’s the artist?  
  
** Hmm… hang on, I’m considering it…   


From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **It’s from All Time Low, not Billy Ray Cyrus! :/ I’m revoking your sadboi-emo membership card.  
  
** Considering that part about me calling you sweetheart???   
*insert overly innocent and expectant eyes here* 

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **oh my god, I love ATL :( can’t believe I didn’t think of their song :( but to be fair, we’re having two conversations at once again and it’s frying my brain  
  
** No! I meant about the new way of proofreading that you suggested, you idiot. 

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **Fine…**   
  
Now I kind of want a divorce too :/  
I call you sweetheart but then you call me an idiot. This partnership is getting toxic. 

From: lilchickjaejae9152gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Brian… 

From burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Yes, sweetie? :) 

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
I’m so close to blocking you. 

Brian rolls over to lay on his stomach as he scrambles to come up with a proper response to that. He knows that his partner is just joking. After all, this is how their conversations usually go. But because he’s already lost so much over the past few months, he doesn’t plan on risking it. This might just be him being unreasonably paranoid, but just to be a hundred percent sure, he quickly reins in his teasing jabs. He doesn’t want to lose the only friend he has now, does he? He doesn’t even consider the possibility of it. He just knows for sure that he’ll be devastated.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Alright, alright! I’m sorry haha I’ll be serious now, I promise.  
So, you in? It’s additional work but I have no doubt that it’ll hugely improve our papers in the end. 

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Yeah, I’m in. It’s not a bad idea. Should I send you my draft for this week now? It is Friday night after all. 

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Send it my way then.  
And I’m finished with mine as well.   
Happy reading, my darling ;)   
  
Attachment: **eng_draftwk7.docx**

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Stop it with the petnames hngggahsdgjfljk  
  
Attachment: **Week7_draft.docx**

Okay, well. He really can’t stay serious for a long time and resist the constant urge to tease his friend too. It’s almost automatic. Don’t blame him. After all, a flustered Jae is an adorable Jae. At least in Brian’s opinion. 

Chuckling to himself as he hugs one of the pillows to his chest, he easily imagines what his partner must look like right now; brows furrowed deep in exasperation, plump lips forming a tiny pout, and soft cheeks tinged with the lightest shade of blush. 

For some reason unknown to Brian, Jae still hasn’t gotten used to the flirty advances he keeps throwing at him even though they both know that it’s all harmless and done for the sake of having fun. Without fail, Jae gets shy over it every single time. And that’s also probably the main reason why Brian keeps doing it. 

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Or else what? 

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
I’ll seriously start calling you Bribri if you don’t stop. 

Brian rereads the sentence probably a few more times than he should. No one outside his immediate family has ever given him a nickname before. Given that “Brian” is already in and of itself a short name to begin with, he hasn’t heard many variations of it while growing up. And besides, his parents used to call him “Younghyunie” before. And his dad only stopped using that and instead started using “Brian” a few weeks after Brian’s mother died. 

Brian can easily recall how disoriented he feels after those first days that his father insistently called him by that. It is his English name but, somehow, the sound of it coming from his own father’s mouth lacked some sense of familiarity in it. The hurt that he felt and the fact that he was still pretty much grieving back then stopped him from demanding to ask his father why he did it. 

The only people who still call him by his Korean name are his grandparents from his mother’s side of the family. Brian knows that names carry a lot of meaning. And he also believes that when someone assigns a nickname to you, that means that they put value into their relationship with you. That they feel more than comfortable enough to be close to you.

This thought alone warms his heart. His friendship with Jae is not something he expected to have but is quickly starting to become one of the best he’s ever had. He doesn’t even care that Jae is most probably just joking. He’ll take it any chance he gets. 

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Okay, my love. :) 

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
You asked for this, Bribri. 

A soft smile finds its way on Brian’s lips. Yup, he definitely likes the sound of it. 

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
You say that as if I don’t want to hear you calling me by that name. You’re forgetting that I came up with Bribri. I enjoy hearing you say it. In fact, can you send me an audio recording of you saying Bribri over and over for a few seconds? But make it sound cute and whiny, okay? 

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Brian fucking Kang, I swear to God…  
To spite you, I will keep saying it especially when we’re at school to ruin your brooding bad boy image.  
I hate you so much

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Aww. I love you too, sweetcheeks :*

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
I’m… I give up. You’re making my head hurt. You win.   
Now please shut up and let me read your draft in peace. And don’t email me again until you finished editing mine, got it? 

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Yes, master. 😳

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
I said shut up, Bribri.

With a chuckle, Brian obediently does as he’s told. He scrolls back a bit to save Jae’s draft file on his computer so that he can start working on it right away. He already knows the things written on there, as almost a hundred percent of it came right from his mouth, but he is curious about how Jae presented him. He mostly wants to have a deeper look into the tone and manner in which Jae described all the nitty gritty details he had shared to him. 

Will there be the slightest hint of bias? An additional perspective from Jae? Or an inside look into how Jae sees him as a person?

After Jae let him read through his first progress report last month, there really wasn’t much written between the lines. They did just discuss between themselves the most basic and trivial information about each other—birthdays, parents’ names, and whatnot. He hopes that this one right now holds more depth. After all, for the entire week, they talked about the important relationships they had growing up.

As the file opens on his screen, he turns over in bed and proceeds to rest his back against the headboard. He feels like he needs to be in a proper sitting position for this. He wasn’t expecting to be able to proofread and edit one of Jae’s drafts about him again but now that he’s been given the opportunity, he definitely will give it his undivided attention.

Upon first scrolling through, he’s surprised to see that it’s three full pages long, single-spaced. Eagerly, he starts reading the first few paragraphs. He quickly goes through them as they’re mostly about his childhood friends from Toronto and favorite kindergarten teacher, his first boyfriend and girlfriend, people who were important to him before but ones that he’s no longer in contact with. Jae just basically recounted the things Brian had shared to him, choosing to keep the stories simple and straightforward.

And he may have teased Jae about his technical way of writing, but really, the things written on here read beautifully as well. Profound, even. He only had to add and edit in a few metaphors here and there.

But it is when he reaches the part about his parents that his chest feels heavy with anticipation. He didn’t even tell Jae everything about them—especially not about how distant his father feels to him now—but he’s wondering why he can’t bring himself to continue this so quickly. He’s suddenly afraid to know how Jae wrote them.

He has half a mind to send Jae a quick email as a weak attempt to procrastinate, but he easily shoots that idea down. He realized that Jae is currently reading Brian’s own interpretation of the stories Jae shared to him. And now that he’s thinking about it, he’s starting to get equally anxious about that too. It's a "double-edged sword" kind of situation.

 _God, what would Jae think?_ Groaning, Brian runs his hands over his face. _I was just having a good time earlier, why can’t I do my job at this properly like a normal project partner? Jae’s probably done with editing mine already._

He stares up at the ceiling for a bit, trying to muster up the courage to go back to where he left off. It was his idea to do this after all. 

Brian heaves a heavy sigh, deciding that the more he prolongs this, the more anxious he’ll get. Bringing his attention back to his computer, he swallows his apprehension as he continues reading. 

In the draft, Jae introduces Brian’s mother first. He describes her almost exactly the same way as how Brian spoke of her. That she was the most caring and loving person Brian has ever known. And that she was the source of light and happiness within their family. Brian is aware that kids don’t always get to know who their parents are as people but he considers himself lucky because he _knew_ who his mother was. She became his best friend through and through. 

He genuinely appreciates that Jae made her sound like a brilliant human being, because she most definitely was. 

He feels his chest start to loosen the more he reads good things about his mother. He already knows all about these things but it sure feels uplifting to know that other people will get to read about her too. Even if it is just Ms. Watson. 

He holds his breath for a second when he reaches the part about Jae telling when and how she died. It may have been a long time coming for their family as she was in and out of hospitals for three years prior, but it was still such a shocking and traumatic experience for him when it finally happened, especially when he was only thirteen at the time. He makes a mental note to thank Jae later because his partner kept this part short. He didn’t linger on the topic of her illness.

He’s so hooked into Jae’s words and the way he strings them together that he almost forgets to do his part in editing. Almost. And the reason that he remembered his task is because he saw an asterisk followed by an underlined comment. Brian assumes Jae forgot to delete one of the notes he made for himself. 

But it’s when he’s about to erase it that the words Jae wrote finally sink in. Brian’s heart skips a beat as he reads: 

* _don’t forget to write that Brian definitely has his mother’s eyes_

Just the other day at the library, when Brian was talking about his mother, he showed Jae a picture of her in his wallet. He just did it so casually and without expecting anything that he didn’t even think about whether or not Jae clearly saw her face. 

Well, it turns out that he did. In fact, Jae paid enough attention to notice that, yes, Brian did take after his mother’s features. 

A soft smile brightens up his face and warmth spreads through his chest as he reads over the note a few more times. It’s just such a delightful discovery. Jae has proven time and time again that he pays attention and genuinely listens to Brian. He’s a good kid. Brian can’t even begin to describe how much he treasures having Jae as his friend.

He keeps going back and forth on whether or not he should edit in that bit of observation for Jae himself. Did Jae intend for Brian to see that note? Also, would it be weird if he types that in himself as if Jae hadn’t forgotten to do so?

Wait. 

_Why did I think it would be weird?_ Brian questions, contradicting his earlier thoughts. _It’s literally my job as his project partner._

Shaking his head in exasperation for giving meaning even to the littlest of things, he goes right ahead to delete the forgotten note and write that observation in. Stretching the kinks off his fingers and rolling his wrists, he gets back to reading the rest of the draft, editing and adding in a few more words and phrases, while willing his heart to calm down at the same time. These kinds of unspoken tidbits are what he was hoping to see in Jae’s draft, but he’s still not prepared enough when he actually gets it. 

Jae’s little note has put him in such a good mood that when he gets to reading the part about his father, he doesn’t feel as upset as he should. He basically just skims over this topic, only checking for grammatical errors, as he decides to leave it as it is. He does feel a little guilty though as he still hadn’t completely shared to Jae what his relationship with his father is now. He can tell that Jae suspects there’s more to it than Brian lets on. After all, Jae was there with them in that quiet, cold, and stifling car ride under the pouring rain all those weeks ago. It was so obvious that him and his father are not speaking to each other or, at the very least, not in a friendly manner.

It’s just… it’s really not easy for him to open up. Maybe it stems from not having enough meaningful friendships to pull experience from but he really is trying. 

He has shared to Jae things he never told anyone before—the crushing disappointment that he feels with not being able to accurately draw his mother from memory and the overwhelming grief he felt after she died. This is his way of trying. 

After he finishes proofreading, he lets out a sigh. Well, he did it. He got through it. He didn’t expect that reading things about oneself would carry such a heavy feeling with it. It’s heartwarming but scary at the same time. 

Saving the file, he finally goes back to their email thread. And lo and behold, a couple of mails from Jae are waiting for him. He checks the time stamp on the first one only to see that Jae has been waiting for him for about fifteen minutes already.

 _Of course. He finished long before I did._ He snorts, fond and amused.

 **(1)** 15 minutes ago

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
I’m doneee  
  
Attachment: **eng_draftwk7_EDIT.docx**

**(2)** 4 minutes ago

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
What's taking you so long??? 

At first, Brian thinks that Jae is just teasing him again with that latter message. But then it dawns on him quickly that Jae might actually be getting antsy about his own work too. Knowing his friend, Jae probably thinks that he made a lot of mistakes in his draft that's why Brian took so long to finish editing it. Though he also knows that he can’t fault Jae for always worrying about things like that. His friend did say that his dad wants him to be the best version of himself especially in school.

 _Must be nice having a father who cares so much about the things you do in life._ Brian sighs, almost wistful. He still remembers the day that he decided to stop playing lacrosse and basketball, his own father barely batted an eye.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
I’m done too! It took me a while because your draft is three pages long, Jae. Literally. Three. When mine is barely one and a half.   
But anyways. As usual, your work is already perfect as is :/   
  
Attachment: **Week7_draft(1).docx**

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Well, to be fair, my life is pretty boring anyways. Sorry I don’t have many interesting stories to tell for your paper :(

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Hey, I’d take a boring life any day. Having a lot of things happen to you and the entire town know everything about it isn't all that great. Trust me.   
And please don’t apologize for that. You’re always so nice. One of these days, people will take advantage of you for it. 

Brian really wishes Jae will take that advice to heart. He truly thinks that his friend is too pure for everyone in this place.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
I can’t help it. What can I do?

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Well, at least most of the kids at school seem to be scared of me. And I’m pretty sure they’ve seen us playing badminton at the quad a lot of times already. Now that they know you’re friends with me, they won’t bother to mess with you too. Though I don’t think that’s necessary, they all seem to like you anyway. But, you know, in case someone tries anything, tell me. I got your back, okay?

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
I know. And I hope you know as well that it goes both ways, Kang :)  
Oh, and that reminds me. Earlier today, I finally saw where you always stay during lunch hour. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable those stairs are by the faculty side entrance. Why don’t you just join us at our table? Come on, I’ve been asking you for weeks now :( I promise my friends are cool with you so you don’t have to worry about them or anything. 

See, this is one of Brian’s dilemmas. He’s not completely against meeting Jae’s other friends. Heck, he already knows and likes that kid Dowoon. He’s pretty certain that the other two seniors they hang out with have similar personalities or they’re at least nice people as well. It’s just that he’s hesitating because he feels like he needs to always put his best foot forward if he’s going to sit with them at lunch every single day. Taking the incredibly rough start he had with Jae into consideration, Brian believes that he’s not exactly great at first impressions. He’s afraid that if he’s always focusing on not making mistakes, he won’t be able to form actual and genuine friendships with them.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Who said anything about me worrying? Maybe I really just like hanging out there by myself. 

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Well… Okay, valid. But I really want you to meet my other friends. Brian, please give them a chance. I promise you won’t regret it. 

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
I’ll think about it. 

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
You always say that every time I ask. 

From: burgerking93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Forgive me 😥

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
It’s fine. I’ll just keep asking until I finally wear you down.

And Brian has no doubt that he will keep asking. He knows just how stubborn his friend can get. But since he still can’t give Jae the answer that he’s hoping for, yet he also doesn’t want to say no, he decides to change the subject.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Hey. Can I ask you something?

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Shoot.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Do you really think I have my mother’s eyes?

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
No doubt. They’re sharp around the edges but they always look like they’re smiling on the inside. Your eyes are the first things I notice whenever I see you. They’re kinda cute actually. Except that red hair of yours always keeps stealing people’s attention away from your eyes.

Heat rises to Brian’s cheeks after reading that. It’s not even just validation from the fact that Jae just called his eyes cute that’s making him feel this happy. It’s the assurance and confirmation that Jae _sees_ him, and that he’s finally found a genuine friend in the form of one adorable (but he will never admit to thinking it out loud), gangly, and bespectacled guy by his side is his number one takeaway from this.

He wants to thank Jae for that in the sincerest way possible; no jokes, no teasing, and just plain old and honest appreciation. However, right when he’s about to type the words from heart that he gets another email from Jae.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Oh, hey. I need to go. I’m not allowed to stay up late. (Don’t make fun of me.)

Brian deflates a little. Nonetheless, he completely understands. And besides, he believes he has already monopolized most of Jae’s time tonight.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
I would never. (This is me being serious, by the way. This isn’t me teasing.)  
Go if you need to, Jae :) don’t want you to get in trouble because of me.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Good night, Kang Bribri

Sighing, he figures he’ll just have to show Jae his appreciation in a different way and time. It has to mean something as well. So, for the rest of the night as he lays in bed listening to Boss Baby episodes play in the background, he falls asleep after wondering and coming up with ideas on how to do just that.

_Good night, Jae. Thanks for helping me forget about everything that happened earlier this afternoon._

***

Saturday morning, as Brian's walking into the kitchen on the hunt for breakfast, he catches sight of his father slumped forward on the island.

“Rough night?” Brian finds himself asking, startling his father because of it.

Mr. Kang jolts back up, looking halfway between alert and disoriented. It takes him about a couple of seconds to register Brian standing by the fridge. Brian can’t help but to raise an eyebrow due to his father’s reaction.

“Brian, hey.” Mr. Kang greets him with a tired smile. “You’re up early. What do you want to eat? I’ll cook.” He makes a move to stand up from the chair but Brian is quick to turn down his offer.

“It’s fine, I’ll make it myself.” Turning his back on his father, he takes out two eggs from the rack, butter, and the strips of bacon from the chiller compartment.

He feels his father approach from behind before he hears him insist, “No, no. Let me do it.” Mr. Kang takes the food from Brian’s grasp and proceeds to place them on the counter near the stove. “You didn’t eat dinner last night so you’re probably starving right now. And besides, I haven’t eaten as well.”

Sighing, Brian begrudgingly agrees. His dad’s guess isn’t far from the truth, his growling stomach can attest to that. And since it’s the morning, he’s still feeling a little too groggy to do anything. Plus, he’s also taken aback by the gesture. Almost everyday during the last few months after the incident with Brian and Stella, they hardly ate breakfast together. And although a huge part of that is because Brian kept avoiding for that to happen, his father also didn’t really make any sort of attempt to invite his son to the table.

“Fried whites and a runny yolk,” Mr. Kang looks back at Brian with a small and easy smile, “that’s the way you like it, right?”

“Uh, I— yes. Yeah.” Brian stammers. He’s trying not to let his confusion and surprise show in his features as he gingerly takes a seat on one of the three high stools by the island overhang.

This all feels weird and makes Brian question whether he’s still dreaming in his sleep. But the smell of butter melting in the pan assures him that he’s not. He’s not going to deny it; this fluke, outlier, or whatever it’s called, this sudden civil interaction in their strained relationship has somehow chipped away a tiny piece at his walls.

Just to have something to do, a distraction so that he won’t stare dumbfoundedly at his father’s back, he fishes his phone out from one of his pajama pockets. He considers shooting Jae another email, but he can’t come up with a good reason to do so. He already kept his friend up the night before, he doesn’t want to bother him so early just to chat.

 _Besides, it’s the weekend. He’s probably sleeping in…_ His shoulders fall, deciding to just read through the changes Jae made on his draft. He didn’t get a chance to do so after they stopped emailing last night.

And right as the file loads on his phone, a comment in thick bold font at the top of the first page immediately demands his attention.

 ***** **I know this is just your draft but fix your formatting, please. You didn’t justify and put indentations in any of your paragraphs. I want the both of us to keep getting As on every progress report, okay?**

In an instant, Brian’s morning brightens a whole lot more. He reads it in Jae’s nagging voice in his head. He figures that he should have put in a disclaimer before he sent the unedited version of his draft to Jae that he usually fixes all the necessary formatting styles right before submitting it to Ms. Watson. But now that he's read one of Jae's "helpful instructions", he actually likes getting this kind of scolding from Jae so he might consider letting his partner believe that he doesn’t care about formally editing his drafts just to hear more from him.

“Did you get back in touch with your old lacrosse teammates?” Mr. Kang’s voice breaks Brian from his reverie. His father gives him a quick glance before returning to what he’s cooking.

“No, I deleted their numbers.” Brian frowns a little, confused. “Why?”

“Oh, I just noticed that you’re always on your phone again lately,” his father explains, sounding almost sheepish, “so I figured you’re texting them or something. Sorry.”

“It’s cool.” He brushes it off. “I was talking to Jae actually.”

“Jae…” Mr. Kang echoes the name, probably trying to recall who it is. “Ah, is he the kid with the glasses? The one we gave a ride home before?” He looks back to Brian for confirmation.

Brian gives a curt nod.

Mr. Kang continues, “I like him. He seems good for you, Brian.” He tells his son, throwing him a smile before finally turning off the stove.

His growling tummy grows excited at the sight of his plate being brought to him but his father’s words registering stops him from grabbing it right away. 

“Wait, good for me?” He repeats, giving his father an affronted look. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing!” Mr. Kang assures him while placing their plates on the island. Bending down to reach for their utensils on one of the drawers, he goes on to explain, “I just think that he’s a good influence on you. Except for yesterday afternoon, you actually seem less… rude and angry the last couple of weeks.” He pauses, looking contemplative as he hands Brian his pair of spoon and fork. “A bit dismissive, sure, but at least you stopped scowling whenever I entered the room. I also noticed that you’ve been doing good at school again. Just now, I even caught you smiling at your phone.” For good measure, he also throws Brian an easy smile. “I’m happy that you’re making friends with good kids, son. Keep it up and maybe I’ll consider giving you back your keys sooner than later.”

 _I’m not doing it for that reason._ Brian wants to retort but stops himself at the last possible second. Usually, his first instinct is to counter and fight against anything his father says. But if he’s being completely honest, it takes such a huge toll on him. It gets pretty exhausting to always be on the defensive. Taking a deep breath, he chooses to just focus on the other thing that made him feel something else other than remorse—it’s the realization that his father has actually, genuinely, and undoubtedly started paying attention to him again.

Yes, Brian’s starting to care about school again. And yes, talking with Jae has been surprisingly helping him to calm down time and time again the last month and a half. He just didn’t even consider that his father would notice all of those things he said. 

It warms Brian’s heart and he’s so damn afraid to savor this feeling.

Looking away from his father, he keeps himself busy by starting to eat.

“Thanks for the food.” He mumbles, making an effort to be polite.

“You’re welcome, Brian…” 

Brian’s ears pick up on the slight shift in his father’s tone. _Why did he sound so shy?_ He frowns, avoiding the urge to look back up. As expected, he and his father still have no damn idea how to properly act around each other. There’s suddenly an air of awkwardness between them and he’s stuck between wanting to pretend it doesn’t exist or trying to think of something to say to break it. 

Fortunately, he doesn’t have to make the decision as his father beats him to it.

“Why don’t you invite your friend over from time to time?” Mr. Kang suggests, voice sounding a little muffled by the food in his mouth. "Then let me know beforehand so I can restock the pantry and have the house cleaned for you. And if I'm not here, you have my permission to use your credit card to call in for deliveries."

“Um, thanks, but I’ll have to ask him first if he wants to.” Brian gives a noncommittal shrug.

He’s still uncertain if he’s ready for Jae to see how uncomfortable and strained his home situation is. But then again, he realizes that he’s already kept so much from his partner and only shared so little about himself. If he wishes to be the kind of friend Jae can be proud of, he knows he needs to let the other in little by little. 

He weighs in his options. Since this is his house, he gets to control the things Jae sees. In other words, he'll be able to hide the skeletons in their closet such as the barely touched reading room where his mother used to frequent that Brian and his father never had the guts to clean out, much less enter; or the tiny old closet right beside the master bedroom that's been converted into Stella's wardrobe from a few months ago—the one Brian basically destroyed after he caught his stepmother stealing from his mother's old things and still never got properly fixed since his juvenile probation started. 

Brian's not yet ready for Jae to find out about those ugly details but he also can't deny that there's a tiny yet loud part of him that wants this to happen so badly. Back then, he used to love having friends over. Throwing rave house parties from time to time, he's no stranger to the idea of other people getting familiar with his house. He didn't give a damn about what they would think of his home because he also had no qualms of kicking them out when they get too drunk or rowdy. But for some reason, he's getting a bit nervous yet excited to know what Jae will think. His opinion matters so much to Brian.

Remembering what he’s been pondering about since last night, he’s trying to decide if inviting his friend into this house and therefore exposing a bit of his vulnerability is enough to show his utmost appreciation for their friendship. 

_"Brian has his mother's eyes."_ He recalls, hearing the words in Jae's voice. _"...they always look like they're smiling on the inside…"_

And just like that, as if in a sudden spark of genius, he gets another idea. 

“Hey, uh, dad?" He starts, looking back up to meet his father's gaze. "Can you drive me somewhere tomorrow?”

Flashing his son a pleased smile, Mr. Kang answers, “Sure, Brian. What for?”

“I have an appointment.” 

_Well, I’ll have to book it first._ He thinks to himself, a sudden string of giddiness spreading all over his chest at the idea. _I just can't wait to see the look on his face…_

  
  
  


Early Monday morning finds Brian heading towards the English room as if he’s a man on a mission. Luckily, since it’s still about half an hour before the bell, the hallways are still mostly empty. Save for a few students chatting by their lockers, no one is really around to pay Brian any attention. Keeping his head down, he pulls on the black ball cap that he’s wearing as he instantly feels self-conscious. 

His father assured him in the car before dropping him off that he looked great. “Handsome like your old man,” Mr. Kang had joked. To which Brian merely rolled his eyes at. Although secretly, he wants to believe his father’s words but then it doesn’t matter. There’s only one specific person’s opinion that matters to him right now. After all, _he’s_ the reason why Brian decided to do it in the first place.

Brian easily claims his seat, dumps his bag on the floor, and with a deep breath, takes off his ball cap. From behind him, he can hear the sudden lull in the chatter between some of his classmates in the room. And then the lull easily transitioned into hushed whispers. Brian starts to feel uncomfortable because he can practically feel them staring, their eyes burning holes on his back. He gets a strong urge to make himself appear small as he hunches over to hide behind his folded hands on top of the table.

He almost reaches for his sketchpad just to have something to do but quickly decides against it. He wants to be mentally present when Jae finally gets here to see the surprise Brian has for him. And so, he waits patiently. Jae usually arrives at school early anyway.

Thankfully, he hasn’t been kept waiting for long as the man of the hour finally walks in along with Sungjin and Wonpil—Brian has long learned the two seniors’ names but has yet to officially meet Jae’s best friends apart from Dowoon.

Slowly, Brian sits back on his chair as he waits for Jae to look up from the history book that he’s reading. However, as it turns out, it’s Sungjin who sees him first. He gives Brian a quick glance but when his eyes fully take him in, he does a double take before nudging Jae by the side to get his attention.

Brian readies himself for the reaction.

He doesn’t know what he’s expecting to see or hear but Jae rushing over to boldly run his fingers through Brian’s newly-dyed black hair isn’t one of them. It’s more than he could have ever imagined Jae would do. 

Brian giggles as Jae, mouth-slacked and wide-eyed, keeps touching his hair as if he can’t believe it’s real. 

“Stop it, you’re making it weird.” He teases his friend, loving the attention he’s being given.

“How… what— when did you do this?” Jae stutters, a tiny confused frown finding its way onto his face. His hands have stilled on Brian’s hair now but for some unknown reason, he still doesn’t let go.

Reaching up, Brian gently grabs him by the wrists to remove his hands from his head. “Just yesterday. I did it to surprise you. So, are you?”

“Am I surprised?” Jae asks, shaking his head in slight disbelief as if the answer is already obvious. “I basically assaulted your hair without permission, and now you’re asking if I’m surprised?”

Chuckling, he lets go of Jae’s hands only to adjust his friend’s glasses further up his nose. He’s too busy enjoying the hint of rose spreading through Jae’s cheeks to notice the look shared between Sungjin and Wonpil because of the gesture. 

“Do you like it?” He wants to know. Playfully wiggling his eyebrows, he adds, “Do I look more handsome than before?”

“Of course I like it.” Jae answers with a smile. And instead of playing along, he surprises Brian as well by saying, “I love that it brings out your eyes. Your face seems more open and mature. And still, you actually look… softer for some reason.”

Brian’s heart thuds loudly in his chest. Somehow, hearing Jae say those words feels more meaningful than if he had simply said Brian looked handsome. 

He struggles to come up with a reply but fortunately, Jae’s friend Sungjin saves him.

“You look great, man.” Sungjin chimes in, short and simple yet sincere, as he comes over from behind Jae. 

“Yeah, Brian. The color suits you.” Wonpil gives him a cheerful smile as well, bounding over to his other side. "I'm getting retro vibes."

The three best friends are now crowding Brian’s table to admire (Jae), get a closer look (Sungjin), and stare (Wonpil) at his hair. Once again, Brian finds himself savoring the attention. Gone is his earlier apprehension from the looks he’s been getting from their classmates, with the feeling of fulfillment taking its place. Seeing the look on Jae’s face, Brian knows he made the right choice. 

_Now you can easily look into my eyes, Jae._ After what his friend said in one of his emails, it has quickly become his motivation for doing this—for Jae to always be able to see his eyes first.

Sheepishly, he thanks the two for the compliments just in time as Ms. Watson walks into the room, letting them know that it’s only a few minutes left before the bell. Sungjin and Wonpil both give him a friendly pat on the shoulder before going over to their seats near the back. 

“Take a picture instead.” Brian teases again as Jae remains standing in front of him.

“As if.” Jae scoffs before grabbing his forgotten book from Brian’s table and finally taking his seat. He makes a face at Brian as he grumbles, “Damn it, you look cute with black hair too. Life is so unfair.”

Brian barks out a laughter. “You finally admit that I’m cute.”

“Shut up, Bribri.” Jae mutters, squinting his eyes in that adorable way that Brian thinks he does. "Don't worry, it's the last time you'll hear me say that."

He’s about to retort another remark but this time, luck seems to be on Jae’s side as the bell ringing interrupts him. They don’t get to talk much after that as Ms. Watson doesn’t waste any time discussing their new topic.

However, for the rest of the class, he notices that Jae keeps stealing glances at him. He tries to hide his smile because he doesn’t want Jae to know how pleased he feels by it. But if he’s being completely honest, he only wants Jae to keep looking at him. He treasures the fact that Jae keeps seeing a deeper side ofhim probably a whole lot more than he’s willing to admit.


	5. you're shattered on the ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which jae learns a thing or two from brian

As Jae is walking towards their usual lunch table, he deflates a little when he sees the three familiar heads waiting for him, the same people as always. Don’t get him wrong, he loves his friends to death. It’s just that he expected to see _four_ people there waiting for him. 

But then again, he doesn’t know why he expected today will be different. He's been trying to convince Brian for weeks now without much luck; he should’ve been used to it at this point. It’s probably because Brian already took him by complete surprise with his new look earlier this morning. Jae thought—and secretly wished—that his partner would run the extra mile and suddenly sit with them at lunch too.

With a sigh, he places his food on the table and takes a seat beside Dowoon. 

"Lunch started fifteen minutes ago," Sungjin asks Jae as a greeting, sliding his own plate back to his side after letting Wonpil take the skin off his barbecue-flavored fried chicken wings, "where have you been?" 

"Oh, I was at coach Lim's office." Jae informs him. "It's my turn at the council to coordinate with her about the details for the soccer exhibition game next month." 

Sungjin merely hums in response before turning his gaze to their youngest friend. “What about you, Dowoon?"

The man in question is too busy munching on his second sandwich to realize he's being spoken to. With a fond laugh from Wonpil, he reaches over with his clean hand to grab Dowoon’s attention by knocking on the table twice.

“Huh?” Dowoon jumps a little, his head snapping up to meet his friends' amused looks staring back at him. 

“Where were you this morning before the bell?” Wonpil repeats, pausing as he licks his fingers clean. “We didn't see you. We thought you were sick at home or something.”

"Oh, I just went straight to the mech lab because me and the robotics club are currently working on something." He explains, his voice being muffled by the food in his cheeks and making them appear puffy. Jae honestly believes that Dowoon always looks so cute and innocent without even trying. However, their youngest suddenly drops that look as he squints his eyes at all three of them accusatively. “And hold on, what if I _was_ sick at home? None of you ever texted me before lunch to ask where I am or if I’m okay.”

Wonpil snickers but immediately covers it up with a cough. Feigning a wounded look, he pouts, “Hey, no fair. I was too busy worrying over you that I couldn’t participate in any of my morning classes.”

“Yeah, sure.” Dowoon flatly replies before making a face at his friend.

Wonpil merely reciprocates by threatening him with a smack on the arm.

Jae watches the whole exchange with a smile. He really finds these two the funniest in their group. They’re always in some sort of a play-fight situation. And when they’re not, you’ll often see them attached at the hip, giggling about something only they could understand. Basically, that’s Dowoon and Wonpil for you.

In an attempt to erase the (hopefully) fake look of betrayal on their youngest’s face, Sungjin chimes in. “In our defense though, you always leave our texts on read, Dowoon. And sometimes not even that.”

“Fine.” Dowoon sighs, relenting. “Anyways, why were you looking for me this morning? Did I miss something?”

“Hell yeah, you did.” Wonpil basically announces with a scoff. “You picked the wrong morning not to hang out with us before the first bell.”

“What? What happened?” Dowoon asks eagerly, looking at Jae and Sungjin as well for answers.

“Um, before we tell you,” Jae starts, putting down his fork and facing Dowoon, “have you seen Brian today?”

Dowoon starts to look worried. “Brian? No, I haven’t…” His eyes widen a fraction as he gets the wrong idea. “Why, did something happen to him? Is it about his probation?”

“No! No, no, no.” Jae is quick to assure him, waving his hands almost frantically as if to erase the thought from the latter’s head. “Nothing like that. He, um, he just changed his hair…” he trails off, letting out a little laugh. “Well, now it feels a bit anticlimactic after that.”

Tilting his head sideways, Dowoon looks all the more like a confused puppy. “What do you mean Brian ‘changed his hair’?”

It’s Sungjin who answers him. “He dyed it back to black.”

“And apparently, he did it _because_ of Jae.” Wonpil oh, so helpfully supplies, wiggling his eyebrows up and down for good measure.

Jae merely shakes his head, exasperated, as he decides not to react to it. He brushes it off to Wonpil just being his usual overly playful self who, more often than not, loves to romantically push Jae towards any living guy he befriends outside their group.

Unfortunately for Jae, it seems that Wonpil has managed to successfully rope Sungjin into his agenda as well. Jae notices that Sungjin’s eyes are also shining with mirth. Looking between those two as they stare him down— _what is this, an interrogation?_ —Jae tries to clear things up.

“Well, maybe that's only because I kept teasing him about his bright red hair. He probably did it to finally shut me up or something.”

And now that he's actually mentioned it out loud, Jae can't help but feel the tiniest hint of guilt creep up his gut. Don't get him wrong, he's genuinely honored and appreciative that Brian did that for him—honestly, no one has ever done such a sweet gesture like that to him before—but he's also worried that Brian might have really liked his red hair. And that somehow, he had made his friend feel bad about himself for it. He consciously prevents his hands from fidgeting on the table as the guilt and doubt continue to gnaw at him. 

However, the look on Brian’s face the whole time Jae gushed over him earlier flashes into his mind, effectively calming down his growing anxiety for a bit. He remembers seeing the eagerness in Brian’s eyes as he asked about Jae’s opinion. And the look of instant relief and satisfaction that followed after as Jae told him the nicest things is what assures him that Brian probably also had the purest of intentions behind the gesture. 

But still, he makes a mental note to bring it up to Brian later just to be sure. Fortunately (or in cases like this, _unfortunately_ ), it’s just in his nature to always feel the need to set things right or else it’ll bother him for the days that follow after.

 _God, when will I learn to stop overthinking?_ He groans to himself, running a hand through his hair in mild frustration. _Can’t you appreciate even just one good thing without feeling the need to question the reasons behind it?_

Thankfully, Wonpil’s voice pulls his negative thoughts from… well, becoming more negative as he brings Jae’s attention back to the conversation they were having. 

“No way, I specifically remember him saying that he did it to surprise you.” Wonpil throws him a slight challenging look, daring him to disprove his words. “So yeah, he basically said he did it for you.”

“Oh, wow.” Dowoon quirks an eyebrow as he gives Jae a look as well, one that’s equal parts thoughtful and suspicious. “I didn't know you and Brian are like the closest of friends now.”

Jae eats a forkful of his pasta first just to make himself appear casual and seem oblivious to whatever they’re insinuating. That, and he’s stalling as he thinks of what to say. 

“Hm…” he starts, as if reluctant, “I’m not really sure if Brian already sees me as a close friend, but we have been talking a lot ever since we got paired for our English project.” He returns Dowoon’s look head-on with a questioning glance of his own. “What does that have to do with anything though?”

“Well, I don’t know about you guys but I personally would never go out of my way to change my looks all because I wanted to surprise a _friend_.” Dowoon finishes by taking a sip of his orange juice, letting his implications fill the air between them.

“You catch on quick, Dowoon-ah.” Sungjin rewards their youngest friend a nod of approval, impressed.

“Catch on quick to what?” Jae asks, blinking innocently to the latter. He’s basically just waiting for them to say it out loud at this point because he has no idea what exactly they’re getting at.

Okay, that’s a lie. He actually knows what they’re really saying behind those words and teasing jabs. After all, his friends are being as subtle as a gun. But what he wants to know is where they got that idea from when he doesn’t even hang out with Brian much at school save for their after class meetups at the library or at the quad. Which they’ve actually been having a lot, constantly. Like, every single day. For the last month and a half. 

_Ah,_ Jae realizes even from the way those words sounded in his head. Feeling warmth slowly spread through his face, he feels the strong urge to look away from his friends as if he’s been caught. _Now I get it._

It's Wonpil who answers this time, sly and vague, “Just you and Brian…”

“What about me and Brian?” Now he’s just daring them to stop beating around the bush. Since he knows that his friends’ accusations aren’t baseless after all, he’ll just try to play along. ( _They’re not baseless, sure._ Jae accepts. _But still not entirely accurate._ )

“Exactly like Dowoon said, you two have gotten awfully close real fast.” A smug smile slowly spreads across Wonpil’s face as he continues, “So, got something you want to tell us? Is Mr. ‘Single Since Birth’ on the way to becoming Mr. ‘Single No More’? Don’t worry, no one else will know.”

Plastering on a defeated look, Jae tells them. “Fine. You got us. Damn, and Brian and I thought we were being lowkey…”

“Seriously?!” Dowoon looks so delighted that Jae almost feels bad about lying to them.

“No, of course not!” He easily denies, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “Guys, you’re putting way too much meaning into this. Brian and I get along well and that's why it became easy for us to get close. We just click, you know? I don’t know what else to say. We’re just friends. It’s not a big deal.”

“Look,” Sungjin starts in that suddenly serious tone that lets Jae know his friend is about to say something that’s going to be difficult for him to argue with. “We mostly started thinking that because Brian said he changed his look mainly _for you_. He did it to surprise _you_. Isn’t that sort of a big deal?” He cocks an eyebrow at Jae. “I mean, we were even surprised when you pretty much jumped on him to touch his hair. And what’s more is that he just _lets_ you do it. He was even full-on smiling like he’s enjoying it too.”

Jae lets out a heavy sigh, adjusting his glasses up his nose. But before he can even attempt to defend himself, his friend cuts him off.

“Oh! And yeah,” Sungjin snaps his fingers, “thanks for reminding me. He even fixed your glasses for you like it’s the most natural thing in the world to do.”

“Woah, really?” Dowoon quickly places his sandwich back on the table, doe-eyed and surprised. “But I thought you hate it when people invade your personal space.”

To that, Jae unfortunately does not have a defense at the ready. He does remember Brian doing that but what surprises him the most is that he can’t recall feeling even the slightest ounce of aversion to the proximity and touch. He really just let Brian do it too. And now his mind is too busy trying to figure out _why_.

Seeing that he has rendered Jae speechless, Dowoon adds, “Be careful, Jae. Your crush is showing.”

“Shhh, Dowoon.” Wonpil tells him in a quiet voice, playful and conspiratorial. “I don’t think he knows that yet.”

Sungjin laughs into his hands.

Looking at his friends, sees that they all seem to be in agreement and that there’s really nothing he can say to make them believe otherwise, Jae devises a plan to just show them how wrong they are. 

Adjusting his glasses once again, seriously, he needs to learn to control his nervous tells ( _These three will learn about it one day and they definitely will use it to their advantage._ He snorts softly, thinking of all the blackmailing and teasing he’ll have to endure when they do), he starts to tell them what he came up with. “Alright, you know what? Come play with Brian and me at the back quad later. You’ll see that I don’t have a crush on him. In fact, he’s actually the most annoying guy I’ve ever met. He does nothing but tease me every damn time. Honestly, that’s why I actually feel like you’d all get along.”

“Play at the quad?” Dowoon echoes with a slight frown in confusion. “Aren’t after class hours supposed to be spent for yours and Brian’s project discussions?”

“Nah, Brian and I mostly exchange emails for that now.” Jae absentmindedly plays with his yellow water tumbler, mentally reminding himself to refill it before lunch is over because he knows that Brian doesn’t, for the life of him, bring his own water. “These past few weeks, we’d usually blow off steam by playing badminton as often as we can.”

“Interesting…” Wonpil comments, pretending to ponder too hard over it.

“Hey, now.” He counters. “Before you start getting more ideas, let’s just meet at the quad later. Got it? Let me prove to you how wrong you all are for thinking that I like him.”

“We didn’t say that you like him. We just said you have a crush on him.” Dowoon narrows his eyes at Jae, looking like he’s pleased with himself for catching that tiny slip-up.

“But that’s basically the same!” Jae can’t help but whine. There’s no winning against these guys. Especially not when they’re all on the same side. He goes to try to massage his temples but stops when his eyes catch sight of the time on his watch. Lunch is almost over. Finally, he sees a way out of this conversation. 

“Oh, crap. I need to go.” He announces, picking his bag off the table before making a move to stand up.

“Go where?” Wonpil asks.

“To the council room.” With his backpack firmly on his shoulders, he bids his friends goodbye.

“Aren’t you going to finish this?” Sungjin calls after him, pointing a finger to his abandoned plate of pasta.

“You finish it.” He answers with a quick look back to them over his shoulder. “I need to drop off coach Lim’s acknowledgment form before the bell rings. And don’t forget: back quad. After school. Don’t bail, okay?” 

Without waiting for a reply from his friends, Jae finally makes his escape.

  
  
  


Later that day, after making sure that he’s no longer needed at the student council, he makes a beeline to the smaller quad at the back of the school grounds. He made a quick detour to get a couple of old and barely used rackets and shuttlecocks from Mark who’s gotten used to this routine by now as well. As captain of the badminton team, he’s been letting Jae borrow equipment from them in the simple agreement that Jae must always return them properly and in the same condition at the end of every day. And, well, for Jae to help him out in case there’s a topic in his physics class that he’s having a difficult time understanding. 

It’s no question that Jae agreed to the terms. He really doesn’t mind doing that because for one thing, Mark is an old friend, one of his teammates from middle school. He’s not the type to abuse their deal that way. And for another, he thinks that it’s such a small price to pay for being able to play badminton again.

With a bounce to his steps, he feels his heart race as he nears the doors leading to the quad. He’s feeling both nervous and excited at the same time. He’s excited for obvious reasons. Playing badminton with Brian has been fun and refreshing for him. And now that Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon are potentially joining into the mix, Jae almost cannot contain himself. He just knows this will end up getting chaotic in the best way possible.

And he’s nervous because he didn’t tell Brian about this beforehand. Jae is basically bombarding his partner by suddenly inviting people into this thing that they’ve enjoyed doing for the past month. He’s feeling guilty as well because his main agenda for this is to finally make his friends properly meet Brian. 

_Hope he doesn’t hate me for this._ Jae prays to whoever’s listening. But if that were the case, he’s already listing all the things he can do to make it up to him. No way in hell he’s going to let Brian get rid of him now.

The afternoon sun greets Jae’s eyes as soon as he steps out of the main building. He’s blinded for a bit that's why he doesn’t see right away that Brian is already there waiting for him by their usual spot—his back to Jae as he’s sat on the bench by the farthest corner of the quad. It takes a second for him to register what he’s seeing: that Brian is already chatting with Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon with a small and shy smile on his face.

Jae doesn’t believe it at first and is too surprised to keep moving but thankfully, it seems as if his feet have a mind of their own, taking him to where he needs to be.

“And there he is.” Sungjin announces as soon as he sees Jae approaching. “The man of the hour, late as always.”

Jae flashes his friends an apologetic smile.

Brian follows where everyone else is looking and his eyes land on Jae’s. 

Jae still feels a little taken aback by that hair. Brian just looks _really_ good with it. His features seem brighter, more open, and he honestly looks younger. Or like all the stress from the things that happened to him the last few months have been stripped away, revealing the gentle and kind seventeen-year-old underneath.

Jae subtly studies his partner, looking for any sign of discomfort or awkwardness from being bombarded by his three best friends. When he sees neither, he lets out a little sigh, light and happy. 

_Okay, good. He’s not mad at me._

He watches as Brian gets up from where he’s sitting on the bench before going over to take all of the equipment from his grasp, soft stubby fingers wrapping around slender ones before pulling away. Well, if he needed another confirmation that Brian isn’t mad at him, then this is more than enough to clear his worries.

“Oh, uh... thanks, Brian.” Jae mumbles, eyes cast down to the ground in an attempt to hide the crimson on his cheeks. He can't let those three idiots see, or else they won't let him live it down.

“You should’ve told me that you were going to borrow all of this.” Brian tells him, clicking his tongue as he eyes the four badminton rackets on his hands and a tube full of shuttles. “I could’ve helped you in carrying them all the way here.”

“It’s fine. They’re not that heavy anyway.” He feels warmth spreading through his entire chest as he appreciates the kind gesture a little too much.

However, it doesn’t slip his notice that those three incredibly nosy buffoons are watching the entire exchange with tiny smirks behind Brian’s back. Much to Jae's horror.

Clearing his throat, he chooses to ignore their teasing eyes as he puts on a cheery voice, addressing the elephant in the room—well, quad. “So, I see that you guys already met?”

“Yeah,” Brian responds, putting everything down on the bench beside their bags. “I was just sitting here earlier waiting for you when the three of them came up to me and said hi.”

“You’re making it sound like we were bothering you.” Wonpil accuses, playful and chiding.

However, Brian suddenly looks uncertain and regretful, a tiny frown crumpling his smooth features. Jae’s willing to bet his old badminton accolades that his partner took Wonpil’s words seriously.

“Oh, I— I’m sorry. I wasn’t, I didn’t mean—” 

“Which we obviously were.” Wonpil cuts Brian off, flashing him a bright smile. “Jae invited us along to play with you guys. This means that we’re given permission to keep bothering you from now on because any friend of Jae’s is a friend of ours. So, get used to it. That’s both a threat and a promise.”

Jae notices as instant relief erases the frown on Brian’s face. His partner returns Wonpil’s smile with an easy one of his own. 

“Am I allowed to say no?” Brian tries, playing along.

“The fact that you felt the need to ask that means you already know what’s going to be my answer.” Wonpil wisely quips. “Suck it up, we’re friends now.”

Jae meets Wonpil’s eyes to give him a subtle yet grateful nod, appreciating his friend’s effort to accept and ease Brian into their group. 

“Bummer.” Brian comments, but the delighted glint in his eyes says otherwise. Jae takes that observation to heart. See, when Brian was talking to him last week about his childhood friends, he noticed the lack of stories that involved the ones Brian left behind in his old school. And when asked if they still keep in touch, Jae felt his heart sink after Brian gave him a resounding no. “Apparently, they were not really my friends to begin with.” He told Jae then. 

So, that’s the main reason why he kept insisting for Brian to meet Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon. He’s not claiming that his friends are perfect. But he knows without a doubt that they’re good people. He wants Brian to experience having genuine friendships not only through him but also through those three idiots that he trusts the most in his life.

“Okay. Now I’m feeling a little left out.” He decides to join in, walking deeper into their circle to lean against the back of the bench, arms crossed over his chest. “What were you guys talking about earlier before I got here?”

It’s Dowoon who informs him, “About Sungjin wanting to do some _big change_ ”—he makes air quotations with his fingers—“with his hair after graduation.”

“I got inspired by Brian’s new look.” Sungjin explains, wiggling his eyebrows enthusiastically. “Got any ideas?”

“Why don’t you go blond?” Jae suggests.

That’s actually what he’s been wanting to do for himself, but he knows that his father will only allow him to try it when hell freezes over. So, if he can’t do it then he’ll just try to vicariously experience it through his friend.

“Ooh, or shave it off.” Wonpil adds, eyes lit up, no doubt imagining what bald or semi-bald Sungjin looks like in his head.

“With an eyebrow streak.” Dowoon pipes in as well.

Sungjin hums in response, running his fingers through the fluffy strands getting on his forehead. “Maybe.”

“Or you just don’t decide on what to do at all.” Jae muses. “That would be like the most impulsive move of all. You make your decision just as you’re sitting on the salon chair.”

Sungjin lets out a whistle. “Wow. I’m honored that you think I’m brave enough to do that.”

“You are.” Jae assures him, puckering his lips as he makes kissy faces at his friend.

Sungjin grimaces. “I was already feeling touched by your faith in me. But when you do things like that, that feeling is overtaken by the cringe.”

Jae lets out a bark of laughter, head thrown back, before quickly responding with, “Nice attempt at deflecting, I like it. I taught you well, my brother.”

Shaking his head at Jae in exasperation, Sungjin goes to pick up a pair of rackets. “Can we just start playing now? Before my cringe pass expires.” He faces the rest of them. “Who wants to go with me first? Brian, you in?”

“I don’t know…” Brian starts reluctantly, scratching the back of his head. “I’m not really that good. I’ve beaten Jae once and that’s only because he let me win. I don't think I'm a worthy opponent to have.”

“Dude.” Dowoon puts a hand on one of Brian’s shoulders, giving him a flat look. Jae knows that look. He’s seen that way too many times whenever Dowoon is about to give him a short lecture. Or a much-needed reality check. “Don’t try too hard with us. I’m sure that you already know this about Jae in academics, but Sungjin is actually the same when it comes to playing sports. Those two are unfairly good at everything they do so obviously we’ll lose to them no matter how hard we try. And then there’s Wonpil and me. We are the wildcard. We’re not pretty active so we’ll either suck at playing or beat all of you by sheer dumb luck. Now, take your pick.”

The hesitation in Brian’s face clears away after hearing those words. Jae feels his chest grow lighter as he watches a slow smile stretching across Brian’s lips.

Taking the racket from Sungjin’s outstretched hand, Brian goes, “Alright, let’s do this.”

He takes off his wristwatch and the red flannel he’s wearing over his black shirt before handing them for Jae to hold. (Jae tries not to show how flushed he feels because of it. _Get it together, Park!_ )

“There we go.” Dowoon happily claps Brian on the back a few times before bounding over to Jae’s side to watch the first round. 

Wonpil runs to the middle of the quad to lay down their ID lanyards that he wisely tied together to represent the imaginary net. And in going back to reclaim his space on the bench, he announces to them, “Dibs on the next turn!” 

Sungjin and Brian both give him thumbs up as they take their place on opposite sides of the “court”. And in the next second, Sungjin serves the first one without hesitation, effectively starting the game.

Everything's working out more than he originally planned. From the sidelines, Wonpil occasionally shouts funny cheers that makes Brian laugh freely and Sungjin to run a hand over his face in shame. 

(“Yes, Sungjin! Smash that cock!” He once cheered, unabashed and loud, after Sungjin scored a lead. Thankfully, only a few students still lingered on the other spaces in the quad to hear.)

And sometimes, Dowoon will also chime in. But instead of cheers, he’s trash-talking them. Though he says them in that drawl of his that just end up sounding more funny than insulting too.

Jae quietly watches the game with a small smile on his face. He's proud to see how well Brian is faring. Over the past few weeks, he has been teaching his partner a few tricks and helpful techniques whenever they play badminton instead of meeting at the library. He’s glad that Brian is putting them into good use. And it seems that Brian can tell that too because, after a difficult rally with him getting the point by hitting the shuttle out of Sungjin’s reach, he quickly glances over to Jae with a satisfied smile.

Jae muses how, in that moment, Brian looks so unbearably adorable, checking to see if Jae saw what just happened and looking pleased when he did.

In the end, it’s been a close fight with Sungjin barely winning over Brian to the score of 22-20. 

Next up for the second round is Wonpil and Dowoon. But as usual, there’s never a dull moment with those two. Apparently, they planned to add a twist to their game. The duo managed to rope Sungjin in to play with them again so basically, they want to gang up on him in a two-versus-one match. Sungjin looks annoyed but really, he’s completely powerless against those two especially when they try to cling, act sweet, and appeal to him. 

Back on the sidelines, Brian claims the space Wonpil vacated. He looks back to Jae who’s still leaning against the back of the bench to ask, sounding eager, “So, how did I do?” 

Jae meets his gaze only to see that his friend is slightly panting due to the exertion but with an unmistakable spark of glee in his eyes. Wordlessly, he reaches over to grab his own water bottle from his backpack before handing it to Brian.

His partner naturally accepts and takes a huge swig.

“How did I do?” Brian repeats, making space on the bench for Jae to sit on as he places a few of their bags on the ground. “Is my defense getting better?”

“Yup.” Jae rounds the bench to sit beside Brian. Fishing for the watch in his pocket and removing the flannel shirt hanging on one shoulder, he gives them back to his partner before saying, “That’s because I taught you well, obviously.” 

Brian snorts. “Sure, sure. Keep claiming my progress.”

Jae merely gives a light chuckle before returning his eyes to the game, his entire features lit up with a small yet ever present smile. It’s shocking to see that those two are actually on the lead by two points against Sungjin.

Well, they do have the unfair advantage so there’s that. Still, it’s funny to watch that Dowoon and Wonpil are now in a celebratory mood as if they already won. 

Jae and Brian watch as the three of them continue to rally for a bit, with Brian occasionally wiping the sweat off his forehead as he cools down, quiet and calm. But it’s when the round is past the halfway point that Jae feels Brian’s knee nudge against his, demanding his attention once more. Glancing to his right, he sees Brian looking back at him with expectant eyes.

“Aren’t you going to play?” His friend asks with a quirk of his sharp brow.

Jae shakes his head with a sigh. “Maybe next time. I’m having just as much fun watching you guys.”

“I can tell.” Brian observes, flashing him a warm smile. 

“Hey, um.” He pauses, reluctantly pushing his glasses up his nose before continuing, “Thanks for doing this.”

“Hm?” Brian responds with a tilt of his head and a tiny confused frown.

“For being nice to them and going along with this.” He elaborates, resisting the urge to reach over and fix Brian's hair. “I know I kind of forced them onto you.”

Brian brushes it off. “It’s fine. And no need to thank me. You know what? I’m actually glad that you did that. I like them, they’re good people. Just like you.”

Brian’s gaze holds him captive as a warm blush creeps up his neck. His partner has been saying that a lot: “You’re too nice, Jae”, “You’re a good kid, Jae.” And he can’t help feeling guilty every single time. If only Brian knew of the thoughts Jae harbors about his own father, of what goes through his head whenever his father lays a hand on him. Surely, Brian would not be saying those things ever again.

“I’m not.” He mumbles quietly, finally looking away.

“Yes, you are.” Brian insists, easy, casual, and completely oblivious to Jae’s thoughts. “I know my own partner.”

_No, you don’t, Brian. Not completely._

Jae decides to stay silent after that. He didn’t have the courage to change his friend’s perception of him anyway. 

For the rest of the afternoon, they play a couple more rounds between Brian, Wonpil, and Dowoon. They stop counting scores after Sungjin claims that Wonpil and Dowoon were cheating by doubling their points whenever they got one. Which they were not, and it’s actually Sungjin who forgot to keep track of the points so he always ends up getting surprised when Wonpil announces their tally. 

After the last conversation he had with Brian, Jae’s bright mood has dimmed a little so he just keeps himself distracted by watching the games. And when it’s time for all of them to go home, with the four of them bidding Brian goodbye as he gets into his father’s car, he forces a smile and a thumbs up after Brian reminds him to email about their project later. He doesn’t even have the energy to play along after the other three begin to tease him about exchanging “love emails” with his “crush” again.

He hates that he’s keeping this from Brian; hiding the fact that he’s being physically abused by his own father. He loves talking to Brian, loves that he always listens and is never one to judge. And he would love it if Brian comforts him over this one day too. But whenever he feels the strong urge to open up, every fiber in his being stops him. 

It’s always the same reason over and over: _That’s not his burden to carry. It’s mine alone._

  
  


***

  
  


After having dinner, doing his chores, and chatting with his mother for a bit, Jae finally permits himself to disappear into his room. Excusing himself to go do homework (even though he already finished all of them during their student council meeting), he hurriedly escapes to his room with a little bounce to his steps. 

His phone has alerted him of an email from Brian two hours ago but he's been putting off reading it for the sole reason that if his father sees him smiling down at his phone (which is almost an automatic reaction whenever he reads Brian’s emails), Mr. Park will instantly assume that his son is dating the person he’s talking to. Obviously, that’s a big no-no in the Park household.

Sitting on his desk, he tries to shrug off his thoughts from earlier to be able to fully immerse himself into what is yet to be another pointless-but-fun conversation with Brian. And by some miracle, get material for their drafts in between.

When he reads the subject of Brian’s email, his face crumples in a frown and his heart picks up its pace, concerned.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **Jae, please help me!!**  
  
My right arm still hurts 😫

Jae heaves a sigh in relief. He thought something bad might have happened to him. Of course, it’s just Brian being dramatic as always. As revenge for making him worry, he decides to play along. Chancing a glance to his door and waiting for a few seconds, he deems it safe to respond when no sound is heard from the hallway.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **poor Bribri :(**  
  
Ew, what have you been doing with your arm… 👁👄👁

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **WTF JAE** 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣  
  
Do you really want to go there?   
You’re getting brave. I like it   
And fyi, I like to use my left hand for that

It takes a second for the words to sink in. And when they do, heat spreads throughout Jae’s body like wildfire. Either it’s from embarrassment or you-know-what, he’s not sure. But he’s sure as hell that he doesn’t want to find out. _Don’t imagine it, don’t imagine it, don’t imagine it…_

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
STOPSTPOSTOPSTOP  
OH GOD I DON’T WANT TO KNOW  
Instant regret! Is it too late to chicken out of this conversation?

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Thought so HAHA you almost gave me a heart attack there 

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Excuse me??? YOU almost gave me a heart attack!!!!!

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
But you started it! I was talking about badminton but you took it there. As usual, it looks like this thread is off to a good start. 😚

Jae rests his forehead on the desk, taking deep breaths to calm his racing heart. It’s true though, he basically walked right into this. And Brian would never hesitate to take them further. He’s still not used to how easy it is for his partner to get under his skin.

Okay, so there may have been some truth behind those words from earlier—maybe Brian does know him after all. Just not the entire story. But Jae realizes that his partner is already getting there at an alarming rate.

Sitting back on the chair, he rubs his eyes behind his glasses as if that can erase the entire last five minutes. 

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Shhh, don’t remind me. Shut up. That never happened.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
🤣🤣🤣   
Saved, starred, and screenshot.

_God, why do I put up with this idiot?_ He groans in complaint. He’s been wondering about the answer to that question ever since they met.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
I fucking hate you so much.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
I fucking love you so much too. 😘  
(No, but seriously, should I ice it? It’s too sooore)

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Yeah, ice it and try not to move it around too much. It’s just sore muscles, you’ll be fine in the morning.  
That’s what you get for playing so many times without warming up.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Hey, don’t blame me. Dowoon and Wonpil kept wanting to play. You try saying no to them.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
btw, what did you think of them? Come on, be honest. I can take it.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Well, I like that these guys don’t take themselves too seriously. They make me want to do the same, you know?

Ah, this is part of the reason why. Brian never ceases to amaze Jae with how honest he can be sometimes. And with every single one of the stories he shares, Jae just finds him to be more fascinating with each passing day.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
You were surprised by them, weren’t you

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
A little. Especially when they all just came up to me out of the blue. I thought I was being ambushed. But in a good way, I guess. 

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Well, that’s payback for not giving me a heads up about your hair. 

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Oh please. You loved it anyway.

_True._ Jae admits with a shrug. He won’t deny that. He’s said it before but he’ll say it again: Brian really looks great with it. But it’s not like he can keep gushing about it to him, he already embarrassed himself enough by attacking his hair the first time he saw him this morning. Jae likes to think that there’s still some dignity left in him.

So instead of playing along, he finally decides to say the thing that’s been on his mind ever since he talked to his friends during lunch.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Hey. Can I ask you something?

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Always, baby

Jae flushes at that. His heart starts thudding unexpectedly again. _He could’ve just said yes. I swear, he does these things just to get a reaction from me._

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
How many times do I have to tell you, don’t call me baby!!! 😤

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Oh, right. I forgot.   
Sorry, my love 🥺

See??? He’s doing it on purpose. _Well then, let’s see how you like it._ Jae attempts to turn the tables on Brian.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
You’re forgiven, my lovely Bribri. 

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Wait hold on, let me screenshot this too so that I’ll know I’m not dreaming.

_He likes it. Of course, he does. What was I even thinking?_ Hanging his head, Jae runs a hand through his hair in defeat.

Clearing his throat, he tries not to get his thoughts distracted.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
What did you mean when you said that you changed your hair for me? Is it because I kept teasing you before and made you feel bad about it?  
  
I know it’s too late to say this now but I really didn’t mean any of those things. Just like you said to me, I would never make fun of you too. I’m sorry if I made you think like that.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Wait, Jae. That’s not it at all.  
  
Part of the reason why I dyed it black again _is_ because I wanted to surprise you. Simple as that. Please don't feel guilty about this. You and I both know that I'm stubborn as hell so I would never do something that I don't want to.   
  
And I guess, in a way, this has also helped me to try to get principal Scott off my back. When I went to the admin office earlier to sign in for my community service, he actually seemed pleased with himself, thinking that I finally crumbled down. You know how much he used to claim that I was testing his authority with my red hair. So then I kept thinking about what you said to me before, that in order to peacefully get by in this town and graduate from this school, you have to play by their rules first.

He doesn’t know how long he’s stared at his screen reading what Brian sent over and over. He feels both relieved and flattered. He’s relieved because he can finally erase any doubt he had of offending Brian over his hair. And the fact that he has somehow helped his friend with the predicament he had with their principal. 

And he’s flattered because Brian took his words seriously even though he clearly recalls telling that to his partner back when they weren’t close yet. 

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Wow. I’m surprised you still remember that. Well, for what it’s worth, I think you look even more handsome because of it. (And this is a serious compliment, okay? Don’t try to deflect by teasing me this time and just accept it.)  
  
But now that we’re talking about grad, what is your plan after? Is there anywhere you want to go?

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Toronto, Canada. My mom’s hometown. I plan to live with my grandparents there during my gap year or until I figure which course I want to take in college. Or basically what I want to do with my life. The only way my dad will let me go is if I get a high school diploma first.

Jae sighs wistfully. If only he can easily do that too…

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Well, speaking of playing by other people’s rules, I already sent in a few of my college application forms early.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Why am I getting this feeling that you’re not too happy about it?

He lets out a sigh, deciding that it won't hurt to share about his situation by just this much.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
My father wants me to get into a good uni right away, graduate (with honors, of course), then get a decent, well-paying job. And in a way, I kind of agree with him. That is the most practical plan. It’s just, I’ve known for years that I want to travel somewhere far from this place. This is where I was born, I grew up here. Basically, this is the only place I’ve ever been. I just want to _go_. Maybe take a break and see the world? Or maybe study at a college that’s far enough? I don’t know.   
  
But now that we only have less than a year before graduation, I keep thinking of my mom, who’s going to take care of her when I’m gone, and my friends as well. It kind of feels like I’m running away and leaving them all behind. Do you get what I mean? There’s this guilt eating away at me. Like, how dare I dream about leaving? How ungrateful can I be?

He feels something heavy being lifted off his chest the moment he pressed Send. For once, he doesn’t bother to question it nor regret the decision to tell Brian about the very thing that’s been keeping him up at night these days. It just feels nice to finally tell someone. Freeing, even.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Yeah, I definitely get what you mean. Still, you gathered enough courage to fill out those forms and actually send them. That’s not an easy thing to do and I admire you for it.  
  
As for me, it’s the opposite. I’m guilty for being a coward and a bad son. Did you know that I haven’t been back to my mom’s grave since Dad disappeared to Vegas with Stella for two nights and came back wearing matching rings?

A frown finds its way to Jae’s face. He still can’t believe he ever accused Brian of not giving a shit for a single thing back when they first met. When in truth, he actually cares so much to the point that Jae’s worried it’s almost detrimental to his partner’s well-being.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Hey, stop that. Cut yourself some slack, Brian. Wherever she is now, I’m sure your mom completely understands.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
I know. But I just feel like I failed her. Or like she’s being replaced in our family.

It pulls at his heartstrings everytime Brian talks about his late mother. Behind all of that sadness and grief, his love for her still shines through like a beacon. He feels for his friend as he blames himself even for the things he can’t control. Jae wants nothing but to comfort him, give him a hug, long and tight, and promise him all the things he wishes to hear.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
It was your dad’s decision. There’s nothing you could have done. And you know deep down that nothing and no one can ever replace your mom. None of this is your fault, Brian.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
I mean, deep down I know that. But it’s just so hard to convince myself sometimes.   
Anyways, wow. This ended up being sad.

There it is. Jae can easily sense a plea to change the subject whenever he sees one. Granting him this, he tries to lighten the mood in the best way he knows Brian will appreciate. Even if it makes his entire body feel warm and fuzzy just by thinking about it.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
I know right? We went from the topic of you masturbating with your left hand and now this.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Wait, I can’t believe you actually said the word!!! 😂😂😂 god, you’re incredible.   
Thanks, Jae, I needed that 😅  
Okay, we’re back in business. No more depressing thoughts at least for tonight. 

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
That’s the spirit.

And he doesn’t even feel the least bit embarrassed by it. Not when it made Brian laugh.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Oh hey, can you send me a copy of one of your application forms? I’d like to use it as reference just in case I decide to send one in soon.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Of course.   
  
Attachment: **UPenn_appform_JaePark**

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Ooh going for one of the Ivy Leagues, I see

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Aim high, right?

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Don’t worry. I have no doubt you’ll get in.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Well, there’s that but also, there are a lot of scholarship grants to apply for so I’m kind of nervous.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
And I have no doubt you’ll get them either. Look, Jae. I know you. So I know you sent in to a whole lot more academically competitive universities that you’re more than qualified for. You got this, okay?

A smile slowly brightens Jae’s face. It’s sweet of Brian to try to assure him. The seriousness in his tone makes Jae want to believe it too.

So maybe _this_ is another reason why Jae puts up with him…

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Okay, okay. Now stop it with the pep talks. It feels weird coming from you.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Weird how?

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
I don’t know. Maybe because I’m so used to you teasing and just flirting with me nonstop for no reason.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Well, if that’s what you want then okay.  
So, what are you wearing tonight, babe? ;)

Jae lets out a snort. He just knew that’s the direction Brian’s going to take. Though to be fair, his partner isn’t getting predictable. Jae’s just getting better and better at reading him and knowing about his habits.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
I take it back. Another instant regret. Give me back inspirational Bribri. I miss him already.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Then go check your phone.

Frowning, Jae gets up the chair to get his phone from the bed. And what greets him as soon as the screen lights up is a text message.

[Unknown number]:  
  
 _Inspirational Bribri misses you too :(_  
 _It’s me haha I saw your phone number on the app form. Hope it’s okay. Anyways, this is my number, pls save it 😩_  
 _fyi i set your contact name to ‘jae baby’_ 🤪🤪🤪  
 _What are you going to save me as???_

Jae feels his heart flutter. They’re already emailing every night for hours on end, and now he has Brian invading his text messages too. He can be really persistent when he wants to be.

Clicking on the encircled “i” beside Brian’s number, Jae sets his friend’s contact as:

**idiot**

He giggles at it, feeling pleased with himself. _Seems fitting for him_ , he comments, thinking fondly of the most annoying person he’s ever met.

_i can see you reading this_   
_cmon what did you save me as_

_I’ll never let you know_

_No fair :(_

Jae’s smile widens, debating whether or not he should tell Brian. 

However, just as he’s typing in his response, he hears a sound just outside the door. His heart lurches in his chest, putting him on high alert. Checking the time on his phone, he sees that it’s usually the time when his parents retire to their bed. That means it can easily be his father standing on the other side of that wall, can quickly check on him to see what he’s doing.

In a heartbeat, he locks his phone and flings it back on the bed. Then, he rushes back to his seat by the desk and in front of his laptop. Even opening a lot of scholarly sites for good measure. He starts counting in his head, waiting with bated breath. And it’s only when he gets to a hundred without hearing another sound nor his father peeking in that he finally breathes easy again.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Hey, Bri. I can’t always use my phone especially when I’m home, okay? Just a heads up in case you want to keep texting me.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
It’s cool. I actually like emailing you. It feels formal, somehow. You know, like we’re formally flirting haha

Jae rests his forehead against the computer. See, that’s one of the things he’s afraid of getting caught doing. And yet, he also can’t bring himself to stop. Jae’s not good enough of a liar to say that he’s not enjoying it too.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
A;sdklfja eoj faslkdjf 

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
What was that lol

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
I smashed my face on the keyboard and pressed send. Felt like that was the only appropriate response to what you just said.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Rude.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **hey,** **it’s almost 10 so i’ll be going to bed soon**  
  
Get used to it 😘

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **dream of me**  
  
I already am. 😘   
By the way, tomorrow at lunch remind me to tell you about the genius idea I just came up with in case I forget.

_Tomorrow at lunch…_ Jae repeats to himself with a frown. Does this mean what he hopes it means? 

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **then i’ll end up having a nightmare**  
  
Sure, I’ll do that. This will be my last email for tonight, okay?  
Goodnight, my lovely bribri

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Goodnight, my baby jae

True enough, the next day during lunch period, Jae finds Brian approaching their table with a timid smile on his face, making tiny dimples appear on soft, fluffy cheeks. Since Jae’s already hoping for this to happen since last night, he practically ran from his last classroom to go to the cafeteria as soon as the bell rang. That’s why he’s the first one at the table now and the first to welcome Brian into it.

“Look who finally decided to show up.” He says as a greeting, bright and happy, as Brian claims the seat to his left.

“Don’t make a big deal out of it.” Brian instructs teasingly.

“Oh, I most definitely won’t.” He’s quick to respond. “What makes you think that?”

“For one, you haven’t stopped smiling since you saw me enter the cafeteria.” Brian notes, giving him a playful wink before nudging his shoulder closest to Jae’s.

In an instant, Jae schools his face into that of indifference. 

“Don’t let it get to your head.” He defends instead of denying, already feeling caught. 

The satisfied grin on Brian’s lips is more than enough of an answer he gets, letting him know without a doubt how pleased Brian is with his subtle admittance of defeat.

Just then Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon start trickling in one after the other.

“Oh, hey.” Sungjin starts, throwing a friendly nod Brian’s way before sitting across them with Wonpil.

“Hi, Brian.” Wonpil gives him a tiny wave as well while slumping on the table, looking tired for the day.

“Hey, guys.” Brian greets back, flashing them both a quick smile.

Dowoon slides into Brian’s other side, his curious eyes glued to the latter’s tray.

“What did you buy from the caf?” He asks, bringing out his packed lunch from his bag.

“Cheeseburger and fries.” Brian simply answers, showing the younger his food.

“I’ll trade my mom’s lasagna for your burger.” Dowoon bargains, opening his container with a slight flourish.

“Hang on,” Wonpil interjects, sitting up to give Dowoon an accusatory glare. “Your mom made lasagna again and you’re not sharing it with me first?”

“Wait,” Brian chimes in, playfully blocking Dowoon’s hand that’s sneakily reaching for his tray. “But I haven’t agreed yet.”

“Dude,” Wonpil gives him a flat look. “Dowoon’s mom’s lasagna is to die for. But if you don’t want it, then I’d gladly take it from you.”

“Not so fast.” Dowoon quips. “Do you have something to offer that’s better than Brian’s burger?”

Wonpil deflates as he’s the only one who still doesn’t have a plate in front of him. Pouting, he rests his chin on his hand on top of the table. “But I’m too lazy to get up and buy something.” He groans, complaining. “Hey, Jae.” He glances in his direction, “What’s your lunch?”

“This one.” Jae responds, in the middle of eating a forkful of his spaghetti. 

“Pasta again?”

“What, it’s easy to prepare in the morning.” He reasons, taking another bite. “And it still tastes good.” He comments, voice muffled by the food in his mouth.

Wonpil nods, considering as he eyes all the food laid out on the table.

Thankfully, it’s Sungjin who saves him from his misery. With a sigh, he slides his plate and a spoon on the space between him and Wonpil. “Here. Eat half of my lunch. It’s not Dowoon’s lasagna but it’s mac ‘n’ cheese, your favorite.”

“Really?” Wonpil perks up. “But what about you?”

“It’s fine, I’m not that hungry anyway.”

“Brian, any time now.” Dowoon prompts, tapping his fingers against the table.

“Oh, sorry. Here you go, Dowoon.” With a chuckle, Brian finally grants him his request. They exchange their food and start eating.

Jae watches the entire exchange, his chest feeling light. Unlike him, those three basically don’t seem surprised at all that they have a new kid on the table. That it’s not that big of a deal. They’re treating Brian as if he’s been sitting with them since senior year started. It’s almost like he belongs with them, naturally. They continue to chat and badger each other about the games they played yesterday, teasing about the mistakes they made that cost them a point. 

And much to Jae’s relief, Dowoon, Wonpil, and Sungjin also laid off on teasing him about his so-called “crush” on Brian now that he’s sitting right there. So really, it’s a win-win situation for him; Brian’s finally here at their table, and his friends are not teasing him about it.

It’s when the bell is about to ring, signaling the end of lunch period, that he remembers Brian’s request from last night.

“Hey, what is it you wanted to tell me? What’s your ‘great idea’?” He reminds him, wrapping slender fingers around Brian’s wrist to stop him from getting up.

“Oh, right.” Brian’s eyes light up, suddenly looking excited. Sitting back down, he asks, “Does your dad have overtime today?

“Yeah, why?”

“Oh, good. That means we have more time to do it.”

“Do what?” Jae frowns, tilting his head, curious.

But instead of answering him, Brian just instructs, “Meet me in front of the library, same time as always. I’ll take you to my place. And don’t worry, I’ll have dad drive you back to yours when we’re done.” 

“Wha— but what for?”

“You’ll see! I gotta go now because my next class is on the other side of the building, but I promise you’ll love it.” He says to him with an unmistakable glint in his sharp eyes. And it’s only when Brian places a hand on top of his to give it a reassuring squeeze does he realize that he’s still holding on to his friend.

Letting go, he busies himself by fixing his things to hide the flush spreading through his face. “Okay, um, see you later?”

“See you!” Brian ruffles the top of Jae’s hair, surprising him with how soft and gentle the touch is, before he finally gets up to leave the cafeteria.

Now Jae’s entire body feels warm for all the good reasons.

Dowoon clicks his tongue at him almost in a reprimanding way. “Seriously, you’re being too obvious. I’m surprised Brian still doesn’t notice.” He finishes with a light chuckle while getting up to let Jae know that he’s joking.

Wonpil adds, leaning closer to the younger with his voice low in a mock whisper, “Maybe it’s because Brian’s being oblivious about his own feelings too.”

“Guys, please…” Jae lets out a sigh, running a hand through his hair to fix it. How silly of him to assume they forgot about his “crush”.

“Alright, we’re sorry.” Wonpil lets up, grabbing his bag off the floor. “Just tell us tomorrow what the two of you did at Brian’s house.” He jokes for the last time, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

And with that, he walks away from the table with Dowoon in tow, an arm around the younger’s shoulders. Jae’s finally left alone with Sungjin who’s now giving him a thoughtful look.

“If you have something to say too, just save it.”

Sungjin snorts softly. “No, it’s not that. Just now, I realized how comfortable you and Brian have gotten around each other. That’s a good thing, right? I mean, you did seem… happier lately. I’m guessing being friends with him and talking to him had a lot to do with that?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Jae replies, as if unsure. But really, he’s a little taken aback by it even though he feels like he shouldn’t be. Sungjin’s observant nature never ceases to amaze him.

Sungjin continues, “I feel like Dowoon and Wonpil noticed too, and that they’re happy for you. They just have a different way of showing it. But if you’re uncomfortable with being teased about it, just say the word and we’ll stop. I’ll talk to Dumb and Dumber about it. And,” he pauses, letting out a heavy breath. Jae prepares himself for whatever comes next. “If you’re worried about a certain _someone_ finding out about the fact that you like Brian, don’t. That won’t happen because this will stay between us, okay?”

Jae’s gaze flits between Sungjin’s gentle eyes. His friends basically know everything that there is to know about him. But instead of feeling exposed and vulnerable, he’s grateful that they’re always looking out for him.

“Thanks, man.” Jae mutters, trying not to shy away from the intensity behind Sungjin’s gaze. “I really appreciate it.”

And it’s only until much, much later does he realize that he didn’t even deny what Sungjin said at all. Because deep down, he knows that he’s starting to like Brian. The only problem is that he’s too afraid to admit it to himself.

  
  
  


“Good to see you again, Jae!” Mr. Kang greets him as soon as he gets into the backseat with Brian following in after him.

“Um, you too, Mr. Kang.” He greets back with a shy smile, ever-so polite.

“What, no library meeting for you guys today?” He asks, facing forward as he starts driving.

“Nope.” Brian simply replies, the knowing and excited glint in his eyes doing nothing to help Jae’s growing curiosity. “My old mountain bike is still in the garage, right?”

Jae has half a mind to notice the lack of bite to Brian’s tone as he talked to his father.

Tilting his head at his friend in questioning, he mouths, _What are you planning?_

To which, Brian easily ignores, the corners of lips lifting just the slightest bit, cheeky and a little smug.

“Yeah, but we have to clean it first.” Mr. Kang responds, eyes flickering to them through the rearview mirror. “Why, what for?”

“I’m going to teach Jae how to ride a bike.”

“What?” Jae doesn’t believe it right away. “You are?” 

“Yeah.” Brian confirms with a tight-lipped smile, his dimples making an appearance. “You said you’ve always wanted to learn but had no one to teach you. Well,” he pauses, gesturing towards himself, “I’m here now.”

Jae can see that his friend seems really proud of himself for coming up with this. 

“But what if I’m a bad student and you get impatient with me?” Jae mulls over, playing with the straps of his backpack on his lap.

“That will never happen.” Brian answers, easy and certain. “You have my permission to smack me if I ever raise my tone.” He allows before giving one of Jae’s knees a reassuring squeeze.

Jae wills his heart to slow down both from the sudden touch and the thrill of what he’s about to do. If things go well this afternoon, he can finally put his mother’s forgotten bike that’s collecting dust in the basement to good use.

He breaks away from Brian’s eyes, feeling as if they’re piercing through him, and returns his attention forward to avoid doing something he might regret—you know, like poke Brian’s dimples to see how deep they are, or pinch his soft, puffy cheeks until they blush crimson, beautiful. 

But it’s when he’s facing the road ahead that he catches sight of Mr. Kang smiling at them through the mirror before quickly looking away when their eyes meet. 

Jae doesn’t know what to do with himself, sitting a little stiff because _when did Brian get so close???_ , that he opts to stay silent for the rest of the ride, sitting pretty like the good boy that he is.

  
  


“Alright,” Brian clasps his hands together, the mountain bike leaning sideways against his lower half. “First, I need you to take a seat here so that we can adjust it to your height.” He pats the leather cushioned seat.

They’re out in the Kang’s spacious, circular driveway, about to start with the “lesson” (as Brian called it). After Mr. Kang left them to their devices earlier, promising that he’ll call pizzas for them and to shout if they need him, Jae and Brian wasted no time hoisting the bike off from where it’s hung by the garage, cleans it up a bit, and claimed the entire front yard. Because of the time it took to drive from the school back to Brian’s place, they basically have at most an hour and a half before Jae needs to go if he plans to beat his father home.

Jae steps closer to the bike, a little unsure.

“Go on,” Brian encourages, holding it steady by the handlebars.

With a quick nod of determination, Jae throws a leg over to straddle it before sitting down to test the height.

“How is it?” Brian asks.

“It’s a little too low for me.” He answers, looking at his bent knees and feet flat on the ground.

“Okay, hold on.”

Brian disappears behind him as he tries to get used to the feel of the handlebars, turning them left and right, pressing on the brakes, and moving the bike back and forth with his feet.

Fortunately, he hasn’t tried using the pedals yet because he almost jumps out of his skin when Brian touches the small of his back. 

“May I bother you for a bit, sir?” He asks Jae in a saccharine tone, feigning politeness.

“Huh?” Jae dumbly asks back, his thoughts playing catch-up with his heart.

Brian chuckles at him, bright and adored. “I need you to move so I can adjust your seat.” He explains.

“Oh, right.” Jae clears his throat, his face feeling hot from embarrassment. “Sorry.” He heeds Brian’s words and scoots over, trying his hardest not to mourn the loss of the other’s hand on him.

Finally, Brian does his thing back there, unscrewing and adjusting before he stands back again. 

“Okay, try that.”

Jae does as told. His knees are no longer as close to the ground as before and his upper body is leaning a good angle towards the handlebars. Perfect.

“Thank you.” He mumbles, playing with the bike once more. “Now what?”

“Now,” Brian starts, taking a step closer to him again. “Try putting your feet on the pedals and pushing on them. Don’t worry, I’ll hold onto it. I won’t let you fall.” He promises, gripping the junction of the handlebars with one hand and holding the back of the seat with the other. Jae swallows hard, trying to ignore how close it is to his butt.

“Jae.”

“What?”

“Your feet?” His partner prompts with a tiny smile, amused.

“Oh.” Nerves shoot up Jae’s spine. “Um, both of them?”

“Don’t worry.” Brian repeats. “I got you.”

With a little nod, Jae tries to follow. His face crumples in a frown as he concentrates putting one foot slowly before the other. And when he’s done, the bike sways the slightest bit off-balance but thankfully, true to his words, Brian doesn’t let that happen.

He’s taken another step closer, his arms going tense as he holds the bike under Jae’s weight. This close, Jae can easily see how long his friend’s eyelashes are, can see them brushing against his high cheekbones as his eyes are cast down to the pedals. 

_Beautiful._ The word easily comes to Jae’s mind, his gaze moving past Brian’s cheeks and going south.

“Your moles here look cute.” He finds himself whispering, his eyes tracing them on the side of his neck.

Taken aback, Brian’s strong grip wavers.

“Woah—” Jae cries out, the bike dangerously leaning sideways. By instinct, his feet reach down to the ground to stop it along with Brian’s hands guiding him back.

“What happened?” Jae’s heart starts racing from the strong reminder of the possibility of falling.

“You think they’re cute?” Brian wants to know, his right hand absentmindedly reaching for his neck.

Jae realizes his mistake, looking away as his face blossoms with warmth. “Kinda. They’re like tiny trace-the-dots.” He replies, making his tone sound casual. 

“We’re getting nowhere with your wandering eyes. Don’t get too distracted by me.” Brian chides, eyes bright with mirth. “Keep your eyes forward.”

Jae scoffs. “Fine. Then keep telling me what to do, _sir._ ” He retorts, saying the term in a mocking tone.

As expected, Brian only seems more entertained.

Returning his hand to the handlebar, he directs them back to where they left off.

“Feet on the pedals, come on.”

Jae narrows his eyes at him but still does the task. He struggles to lift his second leg at first, afraid to go off-balance again, but determination to learn pushes down his nerves. Following Brian’s orders, he concentrates on looking ahead now that both his feet are off the ground.

Brian voice sounds too close to his ear again, soft and quiet. “Good job. Now, go ahead and try pushing with your feet.”

“But what if I—”

“You won’t.” Brian cuts him off, firm and reassuring. “I’ll keep holding on to you until you’re moving on your own. I promise.”

Jae takes a deep breath, steeling himself.

Tentatively, he pushes on the pedals. His heart picks up as the bike moves forward with Brian still following along by his side. However, he only gets a few yards before the handle veers to one side.

Quickly, even faster than Jae placing his feet back on the ground, Brian stops him from falling.

He lets off a heavy breath, relieved that he was able to move even with that short of a distance.

“Keep going.” Brian encourages with a gentle smile. “If it turns to one side, counter that by making the handles go the other direction.”

Nodding, Jae follows.

This time, he goes a little farther than before. When the bike veers sideways again, he tries to counter it but puts too much force into the motion. He ends up almost falling once more.

Catching his breath from the nerves and exertion, he looks to Brian for help.

“Just keep trying.” His friend tells him. “You’ll get the hang of it soon enough.”

And so, Jae does that. It takes a few more attempts, he falls a couple of times and getting up always with Brian’s help. But at one point, his determination to learn outweighs his fear of failing until finally, as he keeps pedalling with his feet and his hands are now steadily directing the bars, gaining confidence in his movements, Brian deems it safe to let go.

And Jae doesn’t notice it until he’s picked up speed with the wind making his hair dance, that he reached the end of the driveway all by himself. He slams on the brakes, feet pressing firmly to the ground, and heart hammering inside his chest out of exhilaration.

He glances behind his shoulder to his friend, only to see him smiling proudly back at him.

“Bri, I did it!” He cheers, face light and bright, his excitement bubbling out of him in whichever way possible—hands clenching around the brakes, arms turning the handles left and right. “You saw that, right?”

“That was awesome, Jae!” Brian jogs up to him, mirroring the smile on his face. “See? Told you you could do it.”

“I want to do it again.” He informs him, eager.

Brian chuckles, reaching over to fix his glasses up his nose. Jae melts at the attention. “Alright, just try not to hurt yourself.”

“How do I start this alone?” He asks, one foot resting on a pedal and circling it backwards to play with the chains.

“Just like what you’re doing now, start with one foot pushing on the pedal, and quickly follow with the other.” Brian instructs. Tilting his head a bit, he asks, “Do you still need my help?”

Jae considers before shaking his head. “I want to try it first. But stay close in case I need you, okay?”

“Okay.” Brian nods, taking a step back to give him space but never straying far.

And once again, with his friend cheering from the sidelines, it takes Jae a few more tries but in the end, he always gets it right. And because he’s Jae, he doesn’t aim to just get it right, he takes it a step further. He asks for Brian’s help to adjust the speed shift, choosing a gear higher, one that requires more work to accelerate. 

“You sure about this?” Brian quirks an eyebrow at him, amused.

“Hell yeah, I’ve been waiting years for this.” Jae feels pumped, partly from the adrenaline coursing through him and the freeing sensation of having this fulfilled.

Sure enough, he loses count of how many loops he did in the driveway, even trying his hand at a few tricks—getting off the seat and standing up as he lets the wheels spin from the momentum. His tense shoulders have long relaxed as he easily gets used to the motions, his chest feeling the lightest it’s been in weeks.

Brian lets him go at it for a while, sitting back on the lawn, shouting a few remarks here and there, and laughing at every response he gets from Jae. 

(“Yeah, Jae, ride it good!” He cheers, putting on a sickeningly innocent face.

To which, Jae easily flips him off and risks losing his balance, with Brian’s loud laughter echoing behind him.

 _Stupid Brian and his stupid ways of giving me a heart attack._ He grumbles to himself, trying to return to his rhythm.)

And when the delivery guy arrives with their pizza, they share the box while sitting on the porch and drinking bottles of cola that Brian got from the fridge. It takes a few minutes for Jae to calm down from the exhilaration, as his entire body feels jittery from the lingering excitement. Brian watches him with a bright glint in his eyes, amused. Unfortunately, time really does fly when you’re having fun. Before they know it, it’s time for Jae to head home. 

“Dad,” Brian calls for his father from somewhere in their house. “Jae needs to go!”

“Oh, um can you do it, Brian?” His father appears from the corner leading to the office. “I have a conference call scheduled in a few.”

“What do you mean?” 

Suddenly, Jae watches as Mr. Kang tosses something black, shiny, and small to Brian.

“You can use your car to drive your friend home.” Mr. Kang adds, one corner of his lips lifted as he sees shock and disbelief wash over his son’s features.

“Wha— really?” Brian stares down at the keys in his hand.

Turns out this day is full of surprises.

“Hey, I mean,” Mr. Kang goes to explain, scratching the back of his neck almost self-consciously. “On the condition that you go straight back home afterwards, of course. And I’m only giving it back to you strictly for errands. No road trips and such are allowed yet. Okay?” 

“Okay!” Brian cheerily replies, flashing his father a genuine smile. And this time, he takes Jae by surprise yet again as he grabs his hand. 

“Jae, let’s go. I want to show you my car.” 

Jae can’t help but mirror the excitement and eagerness on his face. 

“Lead the way.” 

He lets himself get pulled by the hand towards the separate garage on the far side of the front yard; where an old black camaro sits.

Jae whistles as Brian bounds over to the driver side.

“Why camaro?”

Brian gives him a sheepish look. “I was so into Transformers when it first came out. I’m not anymore but, well… you can’t deny that it’s pretty, right?”

With that, he puts the key in the ignition and starts the engine. The car gives out a beautiful hum before purring, quiet and steady.

“Definitely.” Jae agrees, running his fingers on the hood appreciatively. “This must’ve cost a fortune.”

“I mean, in a way? But not really.” Brian reaches across the central console to open the passenger side door. “My dad bought this off a collector friend of his early last year and it’s not top of the line. But it’s still only a couple of years old now so it’s as good as new when I got it.”

Jae merely hums in response before getting in. 

“You ready?” Brian asks him, fingers drumming on the steering wheel.

“You better get me home safe.”

“Of course.” Brian giggles, short and easy. Jae can practically feel the joy and excitement radiating off of him. “Seat belt, baby.”

Jae flashes him a quick glare for the name, but otherwise does as he’s told.

After that, Brian wastes no time and starts driving. And for the rest of the short ten minute ride between their neighborhoods, Jae is completely relaxed under Brian’s care. Either his friend is a really good driver, or Jae just trusts him with his life. Or maybe it’s both.

And like before, Brian drops him off a few blocks away from his house, the street lamps along the sidewalk just starting to turn on as dusk falls in, taking away the last bits of sunlight with it.

Checking the time on the dashboard, Jae heaves a sigh of relief after seeing that he still has a good half hour before his father’s home. He still can’t quite wrap his mind around the fact that he was able to go to Brian’s house, learn how to ride a bike, and have Brian drive him back home all behind his father’s back. Plus, it’s looking more likely that he was able to get away with it. He can’t even begin to describe how elated that makes him feel.

 _Brian made all of this happen._ He reminds himself, his heart swelling at the thought. Sungjin’s right. Brian is the main reason why he’s feeling happier a lot these days.

As Brian puts the car in park, Jae doesn’t get off right away.

“Hey, Brian.” His fingers start fidgeting. “Thank you for today. For teaching me how to ride a bike. You have no idea how much that means to me.”

“Always, Jae.” 

He reaches for Brian’s arm on his lap, but unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?), his friend moves it out of the way at the perfect timing, making Jae’s hand land on his thigh. He can feel the other’s muscles go tense under his grasp, surprisingly strong.

Now he’s having a dilemma. Should he remove it right away and explain what he was trying to do and humiliate himself like a bumbling mess? Or should he keep it there and pretend that that was what he was aiming for all along, a casual and friendly gesture between, you know, _friends?_ As if they were the type of friends to be this touchy-feely.

In an attempt to salvage his dignity, he chooses the latter. He puts on a casual façade and tries to appear unfazed. But on the inside, he’s way past the point of freaking out.

“You’re a good friend, Bribri.” Tentatively, he gives his thigh a few friendly pats. “I’m really glad I met you.”

“Me too.” Brian answers in a low and quiet voice. Not shying away from the touch, not daring to move an inch either. He sits there staring at Jae’s hand, waiting. Anticipating.

Oh, the irony. Jae’s words were as sincere as can be and yet his mind is now swirling with all of these not-so-innocent thoughts and urges involving the guy on the driver seat.

He exerts a huge amount of effort trying to ignore the warmth rapidly spreading through him. Don’t blame him, okay? It’s all just… blame the hormones or whatever. Or maybe it’s the lingering adrenaline from earlier making him feel weird.

But one thing is for certain: he is most definitely _not_ thinking about how soft Brian feels, or how much he loved hearing that voice on him, deep and raspy. And that he is absolutely _not_ staring at Brian’s parted lips. Oh no, Jae would never think nor do those things. 

The sound of another car zooming past startles them apart, breaking through the thick tension between them.

Coming to his senses, Jae quickly pulls his hand away before deciding that any more of this and he’ll finally have a heart attack. 

“Anyways, um, thanks for the ride. See you tomorrow!” He bids him, all in one breath, before removing the seat belt and grabbing his things. And in the next second, he’s out of the car before Brian can even say anything back.

Feeling Brian’s heavy gaze on him and willing himself not to look back, Jae picks up his pace as he heads straight home. But no matter how fast he goes, his steps are no match for the rapid beating of his heart.

  
  
  


At home, after changing out of his school clothes—just a plain navy blue shirt and black skinny jeans that he ripped with sharp scissors to reveal his knees—and into his pajamas, he rejoins his mother in the living room.

“Which friend’s house did you go to again?” Mrs. Park asks him, eyes busy on what appears to be a new sweater that she’s knitting.

“Oh, um, Brian?” He tells her after a quick glance to the front door to make sure. “Remember him, mom? I told you about him before.”

Compared to his father, Jae actually shares a lot of things to his mom. Though at times, he keeps a few things from her—specifically his hesitation about what to do come graduation, or how it’s unfathomable to him until now that his mother is still not divorcing his father’s ass—he still makes sure to always grab the opportunity to talk to her about his day whenever it’s just the two of them at home.

Recognition flashes in Mrs. Park’s features. “Ah, your partner?”

Jae flushes at that.

Clearing his throat, he clarifies, “Yeah, he’s my _project_ partner.” He keeps his eyes glued to the television, unable to look into his mother’s imploring gaze. “We just hung out and ate pizza for a bit.” He felt the need to explain. 

His mother hums in response. “Well then, invite him over here this weekend.”

“This weekend?” Jae whips his head back to her direction. “Why?”

It’s already almost impossible for him to invite Dowoon, Wonpil, and Sungjin over with his father always around. What more when he adds Brian into the mix. Brian, as in his friend who loves to openly flirt with him. The same Brian that Jae’s father saw kiss his son on the cheek in public just over a month ago.

As he sees his mother start giving him a sly smile, he tries to douse the hope rising in his gut. If he doesn’t expect, he won’t get crushing disappointment. It’s one of the few philosophies he lives by.

But fortunately, it’s as if the world has finally decided to show him mercy.

“Your father told me last night that his boss is sending him out to Washington on a business trip this weekend.” His mother informs him, wiggling her eyebrows up and down for good measure. “He’ll leave by Friday noon and won’t be back until Sunday night.”

“Really?” Jae’s face breaks into a grin.

“Really.” Mrs. Park gives him a nod. “You can invite your friends here then. Have a sleepover or something.”

Quickly, Jae rushes over to give her a hug. 

“Thankyouthankyouthankyou!”

Chuckling, his mother gently pats him on the back. “Careful, sweetie. This might get unraveled.”

“Oh, sorry.” He pulls away, mindful of the new and almost-finished gray sweater on his mother’s lap. “Wow, that looks great, mom.”

“Thank you. I’m really proud of it.” She brandishes it to him. 

“You should be.” He leans in to get a closer look at the cinching on the hems. They honestly look on par with some of the clothes in retail stores. Maybe even better. “You should consider selling them online and start your own small business or something. I mean, what do you do with all the ones you finished?”

“Oh, um,” his mother lowers her voice, putting on a conspiratorial look, “actually son, about that—”

But then the sound of heavy footsteps coming in through the front door interrupts them; his father is home. 

“Jaehyung, get me a beer from the fridge.” He orders right away, sinking down to the worn out couch and claiming it all to himself.

“Yes, father.” Stifling as heavy sigh, Jae does as he’s told.

It’s almost always like this. Whenever his father is exhausted from work, he drinks a few cans of beer before dinner, settling on a grumpy mood for the rest of the evening. And on nights that he doesn’t drink, he checks in on Jae’s performance in school constantly, interrogating him about even the smallest of details like how well he did on a pop quiz. Jae doesn’t know which of these two behaviors he prefers more.

But just as he’s closing the door to the fridge with two beers in one hand, his whole body stiffens after seeing that his father is standing on the other side of the kitchen, glaring at him.

Cold fear runs down his spine and anxiety makes his skin prickle underneath. _What did I do? What did I do?_ He racks his brain for an answer, frantic.

However, he doesn’t need one because his father is all too willing to give it to him.

“Did I hear that right? Did you just tell your mother to start her own fucking business?” His father’s voice is low but Jae can practically feel each word like bullet shots.

Jae stays silent, frozen in place. He knows better. He knows his father isn’t really asking for a response. 

His father takes a few steps towards him, leaning sideways against the counter as he stares his son down, seething. Jae tries hard not flinch the closer he gets.

“Am I not working hard enough for this family? Am I being inadequate? Is that what you’re saying?” He continues.

Jae keeps his eyes trained to the floor, head bowed and shoulders slumped as if in shame. He calls it his ultimate standard operating procedure during situations like this. This is nothing new.

“Fucking ungrateful.” His father clicks his tongue at him. “Give me that.” He demands.

Jae orders his body to follow, taking brave steps to hand his father the alcohol. And when he’s stepping back after placing the beers by the counter beside his father’s waiting hand, he doesn’t see the hit coming.

His father’s foot connects with his lower left hip, kicking him where he stands and sending him to the floor. He stifles a cry as pain shoots up his side, braces himself against the counter for support. He screws his eyes shut to focus on his breathing and to stop the rapidly forming tears from falling. Wincing, his face crumples in agony as he rests his forehead in his arms, releasing his breaths through clenched teeth. 

“If I hear you say such things to your mother again, a kick will not be the last you’ll get from me. Understood?”

Jae forces himself to nod. “Yes, father.” He responds, quiet but clear, keeping the pain out of his tone. 

“Good.” He hears the sound of a can being opened harshly. “Now, go back in there to tell your mother you’re not hungry and won't eat dinner with us. Then lock yourself in your room and don’t show your face to me until the next morning.”

Jae doesn’t need to be told twice. Carefully, he fights through the pain and stands up to walk back to the living room. He quickly wipes away the tears that dared fall on his cheeks. Fortunately, since his mother’s wheelchair is angled away from the threshold, he easily hides himself behind the corner as he excuses himself for the night.

But now that he’s in the safety of his own room, with tears clouding his vision and his breath hitching almost uncontrollably, he lets it all out. He folds himself into a ball in one dark corner of the room, not bothering to turn the lights on. His eyes start to sting as tears stream down his face, completely uninterrupted. And his breaths are now turning into sobs, silent but strong, like they’re being ripped right out of his chest.

For tonight, he permits himself to feel weak.

Of course. He was having such a great day that he made the mistake of letting his guard down. He was just so happy barely an hour ago. And now, the world has decided to take some of it back. Nothing ever comes without a price in his life.

The throbbing pain on his hip demands his attention. Unclenching his tight fists, with his nails leaving crescent marks on his palms, he chances a glance at the already forming bruise on his side. Gingerly, he lifts up his shirt with slightly unsteady hands.

He chokes out a sob after seeing the large red darkening spot on his skin almost the size of his fist. Running his fingers over it, he feels the tender muscles throbbing. He needs to ice it immediately but he knows he’s not allowed to leave his room. He has no choice but to suck it up for tonight. As usual, his father got him good, kicking him while he was unaware. At this point, it’s a mystery to him that he still hasn’t broken a bone in his body under his father’s hands. 

Taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm his breathing, he lets go of his shirt and returns to his earlier position, shrinking further into himself. 

No, he’s not just crying out of self-pity and pain. These are angry tears as well. An immeasurable amount of loathing for his father is slipping through the cracks in his armor.

Back when the first hit came, he tried to understand his father. But when he kept doing it, sometimes even in front of his mother’s eyes, miserable of the fact that she can’t do anything for her son, it quickly ate away any love or emotion Jae had for his father, leaving nothing but pure and utter hatred in its place. 

At some nights when he lays in bed awake for hours on end, he imagines doing the same things to that man over and over. And not once did he ever feel an ounce of remorse. He’s directing all his energy towards his anger so that he can distract himself from being miserable.

He doesn’t know how long he stays rooted in place—what’s more surprising is that his tears haven’t completely dried out yet—when his phone lights up in bed, casting a warm glow of light in the darkness that’s long engulfed him. 

With the assurance that his door is locked, he crawls away from his corner to retrieve it.

**1 Mail Notification from Brian Kang**

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **Today, I learned how good you are at riding [a bike lol]** 🤪  
  
Hey. So, I kind of felt guilty for not dropping you off right in front of your house. But then again, I know it’s necessary… well, I guess what I’m trying to say is, did you get home okay?

As the words sink in, Jae lets out a silent cry, broken, desperate, and full of yearning. He doesn’t have the strength to be witty and flirty with Brian right now, but the sudden strong urge to keep talking to him almost took his breath away. 

So, in the end, he did the only thing he felt like he needed most at the moment. Hiding himself inside the closet with his phone clutched tightly in one hand like a lifeline, Jae would have laughed at the irony of the situation if he wasn’t too busy trying not to fall apart. He uses a sleeve of his shirt to wipe at his nose with one hand, and is busy scrolling down his phone with the other. He keeps going until he finds the name he’s looking for: **idiot.**

He dials Brian’s number.

“Jae?” His friend answers on the second ring, sounding confused.

A sigh of relief escapes Jae’s lips at the sound of Brian’s voice. Words fail him for a bit as he tries to control his breathing, forcing away the sobs and hiccups. But as always, Brian sees right through it.

“Hey, hey, hey what’s wrong?” His voice sounds urgent now over the phone. “Why are you crying? What happened, are you okay?”

“No- Nothing, I’m fine. I just—” Jae tries, his breath hitching uncontrollably. Screwing his eyes shut, tears continue to stream down his face. 

Taking a deep breath, he tries again. “Bri, I need you.”

  
  
  



	6. still, i find you there next to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which brian reaches a catharsis

Brian’s heart thuds loudly in his chest. Excusing himself from watching a comedy show on the living room television with his dad, he quickly escapes to the backyard for privacy.

When he sent that email to Jae, expecting a quick reply, he can’t even begin to describe the excitement he felt after seeing the caller ID on his phone instead of the usual mail notification. His heart leapt that Jae’s actually the one calling him first. But the moment that he answered it, with the obvious sound of Jae crying on the other line greeting him, he suddenly didn’t know what to do with himself.

Hearing those words that Jae uttered, Brian longs for nothing but to comfort his friend. To get him to stop crying and to tell him that everything will be alright. Or if that’s not what he’s asking for, if silent companionship is what Jae needs, for Brian to just be there with him, he’s more than willing to give it too. He hates it whenever Jae’s upset about something, hates it more when he’s trying to hide it for others’ sake. And the fact that he’s actually crying now, probably alone on the other end of the phone? Brian feels his own chest feel heavy with it. 

“I’m right here.” He promises, firm and steady. “I got you, Jae. Whatever you need, I got you.”

He hears a few more sniffles before Jae speaks again. 

“Can I tell you something?” His voice sounded uncertain, tone fragile and thick with emotions. “I called because I just wanted to talk to someone about this, if that’s okay with you?”

“More than okay.” Brian lowers his voice, gentle and sweet, meaning it with everything he has. In an attempt to lighten the mood, he humors him, “You always have me, baby.” 

Jae’s voice breaks at the end, letting out a surprised laugh. “Thank you, Bribri.” 

Brian feels his chest flood with warmth from the sound of it.

“No, but seriously,” he adds, “you know you can tell me anything, right?”

“Yeah, I do.” He hears Jae let out a shaky breath, calming himself. 

They’re quiet for a bit, the sound of Jae’s breathing the only thing he hears over the phone. He can tell that whatever his friend is about to say is something that’s been eating at him for a while, especially with the way he seemed to be mustering enough courage to continue. Anxious and hesitant.

Nonetheless, Brian knows that Jae will get there whenever he’s ready. He always does. Brian never doubted that for a second. And so, he waits.

After heaving out another long and heavy breath, Jae speaks up again. “Remember what I told you about my parents?”

“Of course.” Brian takes a seat on the back patio table, a worried frown on his face.

Did something bad happen to them? Is that why Jae is crying? He can’t help but to think of the worst case scenario.

Fortunately, Jae puts a stop to his trainwreck of a thought. Continuing, his voice sounds firmer the longer he keeps talking, “You see, my dad’s not in his best condition right now and it’s affecting the way he treats my mom.” A pregnant pause. “And _me_ , especially.”

“What do you mean?” He asks, careful. A sudden daunting feeling slowly creeping its way back to his chest.

“I just… it’s becoming clearer to me that I can’t—” Jae’s breath hitches, voice wet with unshed tears. “I just can’t leave my mom alone. Not with that _scumbag_ in the house. I will never do that to her. I _won’t_.” He finishes with conviction, tone sharp and laced heavy with pent-up anger and resentment.

Brian’s face crumples in a frown. “Wait a minute. What do you mean you can’t leave? As in after graduation?”

Jae’s silence is enough of a confirmation on its own. 

A little rattled and confused, Brian continues, “But I thought that’s what you’ve been wanting all along? I mean, there must be another way you could—”

“—Trust me, Bri. If there is, I’m already doing it.” Jae interrupts him with a snort, resigned and humorless. “I’ll tell you more at a different time and when I’m no longer bawling my eyes out. It’s just that, there’s a lot of things I need to consider. I don’t want my mom to be financially dependent on my shitty excuse of a father so of course that leaves out the option of me moving somewhere far after grad. And aside from getting student loans, there’s the cost of living in a dorm to think about…” he sighs, trailing off. “I don’t want to be indebted to my father any more than I already am. I’ll just have to get a job right away and apply at the local community college downtown. So that when I’ve earned enough for the two of us, we can finally leave this damn house.”

This surprises Brian. Back then, when he learned about Jae’s father, he was under the impression that he was just being overprotective. You know, a helicopter parent. He figured that was why Jae isn’t allowed to do anything he doesn’t approve of—sports, dating, all that Mr. Park considers a “distraction”. 

Brian’s not going to lie, for a bit, he was even a little jealous of the attention Jae’s father is giving his son. He wished his own father would pay attention to him like that.

But now, he regrets ever thinking that in the first place. After hearing the tone in which Jae spoke, Brian realizes that there’s definitely a whole lot more to it than his partner lets on. 

“What can I do?” He asks, straightening in his seat, determined. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

Back in the call, Jae lets out a chuckle, faint. “Thanks, Brian. But I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do. I’m stuck here.” Brian can almost picture his face, brows furrowed, eyes cast down behind those wireframed lenses, and lips jutted out in disappointment. His chest aches once more. “The sooner I accept it, the better I’ll feel about potentially rejecting those college acceptance letters that come my way. I’m pretty sure they’ll get here soon. I mean, hopefully. Though it’ll be great to know if I got in, just that I won’t be going through with registration.”

He knows how much Jae longs to travel. To see different places and widen his horizon. It pains him to hear the defeat and resignation in his friend’s voice. It doesn’t fit him. To Brian, Jae’s a breath of fresh air. He gave Brian a newfound appreciation for doing well in school. He made Brian want to start trying again. He’s made waking up every morning become more bearable. And best of all, he’s the reason why Brian wants to do good. To _be_ better than what the people in this town expects him to be. 

In the span of about two months, Jae has already done so much for him. So the fact that he can’t do the same for Jae? It’s tearing his heart to pieces. He wants to be there for his partner. To stay by his side and promise that everything will eventually work itself out. And if it doesn’t, then he’ll be there to listen, holding his hand and pulling him in a warm embrace. Jae won’t have to cry and go through this alone again. 

And just like that, Brian makes up his mind.

“Then I’ll stay here with you. I won’t leave this town without you.”

The certainty in his words almost knocks the wind right out of his chest. The ease at which he said them, meaning the words with everything he has, it’s like Brian had a moment of clarity. In such a short amount of time, Jae has crept his way into Brian’s heart so deep that he’s willing to do this for him. And that he already means _so much_ to Brian.

“Shut up, Bribri.” Jae dismisses him, a little jovial and exasperated.

“But I’m being serious though.”

“No, I know. See, that’s the thing. I know you are.” Jae tells him. “And that’s why I won’t allow it. I can never ask you to do that for me, Brian.”

“But you are not asking me to do this. What if it’s my decision alone?” He retorts, challenging. “Is it bad for me to want to keep my friend company? Especially when I’m worried about his situation at home? I have no plans for the future anyway, Jae. Let me do this for you.”

“Brian, please…” Jae sighs, long and heavy. “Think this through.”

“I don’t have to.”

Jae clicks his tongue, letting Brian know that he’s about to get an earful. A faint smile stretches across his lips, fond and endeared, as Jae starts to argue. “Listen, think about yourself too, Brian. Your probation ends in a little over two months but we both know all these people here already marked you off as a hopeless troublemaker, always expecting you to screw up again. That won’t change any time soon. It’s part of the reason why you wanted to leave as early as grad, remember?”

“Jae, I’m not saying I’ll stay here forever.” He counters back, transferring the phone from one ear to another as he gets more determined for Jae to see where he’s coming from. “Once you’ve earned enough for you and your mom to move out, then that’s when maybe me and you can finally leave. Besides, I know you want to see the world. Don’t give up on that. Let’s try new things together. Let me take you to different places. And, um,” he pauses, licking his lips. “I hear that Toronto is a really good place to start…” he trails off, letting real meaning behind his words fill the air. 

It’s not a bad idea to tour Jae around his mom’s hometown first before going off on a trip together to God knows where. Actually, he thinks that it's a brilliant idea. It’s like he’s building a connection between his two favorite people—his mom and Jae.

“Since when did I start including you in my plans?” Jae asks him. And Brian’s relieved to hear the humor is back in his tone. _There’s my Jae._

“Since now.” He simply replies. “And I included myself in them. Got a problem with that?”

“God, you’re so annoying. You’re giving me a headache.” Jae sighs. Brian can almost picture him massaging his temples. 

Well, looks like they’re back to bickering now. The tension from earlier has naturally eased back to something light and playful. The thought easily puts a smile on Brian’s face.

“But in a cute and adorable way, right?” He assumes.

“Shut up. I still can’t believe how impulsive you are for making decisions just like that.”

“So I’m taking that as a maybe.”

Jae chuckles. “Does it even matter if I say no?”

“Nope.”

“See? You’re so stubborn, Bri. I’m starting to regret this call.” 

Brian feigns a gasp. “How dare you hurt my feelings like that!” To which Jae barks out a full melodious laugh. It’s like music to Brian’s ears. And when it dies down, he adds in a more serious tone, “Are you feeling better now?”

It takes a second for Jae to respond. But when he does, his voice is whole and steady. “Yeah, I am. Thank you, Brian. Really. You have no idea how much this means to me.”

“Always, Jae.” He promises.

Silence falls between them for a while, soothing and companionable. Brian is still trying to fully process this entire conversation, but the thing that he keeps coming back to is the startling realization of how easy it was for him to come to the decision of choosing to stay here for his friend. And how, even now, he’s not regretting it one bit.

“Oh, hey.” The sound of Jae speaking up again pulls Brian from his reverie. “Are you free this weekend?”

“Why? Are you going to ask me out on a date, my love?” His shameless flirting as a response is almost automatic. His mind works at full capacity to keep bringing a smile to Jae’s face. Or, you know, a favorable and playful reaction in this case.

As expected, Jae groans in complaint. “Knew that’s what you were going to say; the second you opened your mouth. I take it back. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding!” He snickers. “What is it?”

Jae sighs, resigned. He must be so used to this certain aspect in their friendship now. “My father’s out of town and mom said I can invite friends to stay over for two days. Usually, it’s just me, Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon. But you’re part of the group now. So,” a quick pause, “you in?”

Brian’s face stretches into a slow smile. “Hell yeah. I’m so in.”

For the rest of the call, they continue to chat about what they’re going to do come Friday night. Jae suggested watching a movie marathon. But then, Brian went off on a tangent about convincing Jae to rewatch Marvel movies after finding out his friend didn’t like them very much. 

There’s also that house party style kind of sleepover that Brian put on the table, with them wagering on card games and sneaking in alcohol from the Kang’s impressively stocked wine fridge, but Jae was quick to shoot that idea down. “Nice try. You’re on probation, Brian.” He deadpanned. Brian was actually too ashamed to admit that he forgot about that important fact. He got too excited that, to him, it honestly felt like he was just planning to have a normal party with friends on a regular day. (You know, before the Stella thing.) Only this time, there’s fewer people invited and it’s actually his real friends coming.

And after they bid each other goodbye for the night, with Jae once again thanking him for indulging him in this call—which, obviously, Brian assured him that he’ll always make time for him—Brian spends a couple more minutes sitting out back. He’s thinking about what Jae is possibly going through right now. His friend promised he’ll tell soon, but Brian can’t help worrying. He knows Jae, knows he’s headstrong and just as stubborn. So the fact that he called while crying? Without a doubt, something bad must’ve happened. It’s making him antsy to just sit around and wait.

Not for the first time, it baffles him how much care and affection he feels for the other. In all of his past relationships—no matter how fleeting and short they may have been—he’s never been as affected by them as the way Jae makes him feel. This all seemed new to him, as if spending time with his partner makes him feel like he’s going in blindly, unprepared, yet running full on adrenaline and without reservations. Every moment is so bright, meaningful, and electric. 

Sure, he cared for his exes too. But if he pictured them standing on Jae’s place right now, picture _anyone_ else on Jae’s place for that matter, if he asked himself whether or not he would also make that same decision to stay with them as easy as when he did earlier, he wasn’t so sure he’d be able to. And the fact that his heart swelled so much just thinking about getting to stay by Jae’s side, it scares the hell out of him. 

Fortunately, it’s the good kind of scared. The one that you know there’s something big on the horizon and you’re scared to commit a mistake that will make you lose the chance to see it. It’s the kind of being afraid that also makes you feel hopeful.

Since when did Jae move from just being his annoying and can-do-no-wrong English project partner to becoming the one person he cares about the most?

And why did he let that happen? Let himself be vulnerable enough for Jae to crawl through the cracks and make a permanent spot for himself deep within Brian’s heart?

Actually, the answer to all of that is simple.

He doesn’t need to overthink this because the exact moment it _clicked_ remains in the forefront of his mind.

It happened when Jae told him he has his mother’s eyes. When he told him that he can always see him smiling even behind those intense, sharp eyes. And it happened again tonight when Jae told him that he needed him. 

_God, Jae. What have you done to me?_ He wonders to himself with a light chuckle. Talk about character growth.

Heaving a sigh, he finally heads back inside the house. There’s no use pondering hard about his feelings now and worrying over Jae at the same time, he usually lays awake in bed every night doing that anyway. At least he has the thought of the upcoming weekend to keep him distracted. 

There’s always a silver lining to everything.

“Did you say hi to Jae for me?” Mr. Kang asks from where he’s sitting on the recliner as soon as Brian enters the room.

“How did you know it was him?” He questioned instead with a quirk of his brow.

“Just a lucky guess.” His father quips, eyes sporting a knowing look.

Brian doesn’t bother asking him what it means. He’s too busy wishing that the weekend will come sooner. Sure, he’s a little nervous to meet Jae’s mom but that’s nothing compared to how much he really wants this to happen. In fact, he’s never looked forward to anything more than he does for this one.

  
  


***

  
  


Brian stretches out the kinks in his back, feeling exhausted from the task. It’s only his third day doing this—mopping the long hallway leading to the gym showers—and already, he feels like he’s aged a decade. 

Principal Scott stayed true to his word even after he seemed pleased to see that his “troubled student” dyed his hair to a “more acceptable color”; as Brian recalls in the man’s booming and authoritative voice. This punishment masquerading as community service is draining his energy too much already. Look at the size of this hallway, it’s about ten meters long and three meters wide. And apparently, the school janitors are under strict orders not to help him out in any sort of way. How is he supposed to finish all this in under an hour everyday?

He heaves a sigh, lugging the heavy cleaning cart with the bucket full of soapy water as he moves a few spaces forward. Then, he dips the mop in, wrings it a few to get the excess water out, before proceeding to wipe the floor. It’s dull and grating. At least he’s getting the hang of it, the repetitive motions beginning to feel like muscle memory now.

The few students milling around thankfully give him a wide berth as they pass by. But, of course, not without chancing a few curious and wary glances thrown his way. On the bright side, they’re not bothering him as he worked.

And speaking of a bother, as if he wasn’t already having enough of a bad day, his two least favorite juniors suddenly round the corner on the other end of the hallway.

They halt in their steps, eyeing Brian from head to toe with growing interest and ill intent. 

“Woah, what happened to your bright red ‘fuck me’ hair?” Mohawk inquires. Brian has learned from Dowoon that his name is actually Kyle, but the nickname he chose still seemed fitting. His styled hair is standing as awfully tall as ever.

Bodyguard—or Derek if you wish to be specific—chimes in. “Are you not getting enough action these days, huh?” 

Brian grits his teeth, choosing to ignore them.

However, Mohawk persists. “Hey! We’re talking to you.” They step closer to him, purposefully stepping on the areas he has just cleaned. 

Brian’s fists tightens around the wooden pole of the mop. 

“You’re trying to look straight now, is that it?” His voice is mocking and condescending. “Are you also making your four-eyed best friend as your beard? Or, hang on…” he pauses dramatically, “is it the other way around?”

_Alright, that’s it._

If it’s against himself, he can easily try to dismiss and ignore their words. But if they’re involving Jae into this, then that’s a different story.

He takes a threatening step closer, about to tell them off or do something worse, but a hand wrapping around his wrist from behind stops him from moving far.

It’s Jae, keeping him in place.

Brian glances back to him with a questioning look. But it appears Jae is busy glaring back at those two juniors. 

“Careful there,” Jae begins, stepping beside Brian, “are you letting us know that you’re a bully _and_ homophobic? Coach Lim would not appreciate this kind of behavior from two kids in her team.” He pauses, his voice adapting a challenging tone. “We all know what she’d do if she finds out you said those things to another student in this school.”

The two stay silent at that, shoulders tensed and mouths set in a tight line.

“What? Can’t remember?” Jae cocks an eyebrow, daring them to answer almost mockingly. Brian feels himself swell with pride. “Then let me remind you, she’d kick you out of the team right away.”

Mohawk lets out a chuckle, easy and casual. Brian bets everyone heard how forced the sound of it is. “Come on, now… we were just fooling around. Right, Derek?” He nudges his elbow against his friend’s.

“Of course,” Bodyguard agrees, dropping the arrogant façade and putting on a smile in its place. “Figured Kang here might need some entertainment while he worked.”

Brian snorts loudly. “Yeah, it will surely entertain me if you both fuck off.”

Jae adds, “And if I see or hear about you bothering Brian again, I won’t hesitate to talk to coach Lim then.”

“It’ll be your word against ours.” Mohawk tries to hide how intimated he feels but Brian can easily see right through it. What with the way he’s standing so still, as if frozen under Jae’s gaze. 

“And who do you think the coach will believe?” Jae retorts. “The kid from the student council and on track to be the valedictorian of his class? Or you two who don’t have anything to back yourselves with? I think you’re forgetting that Dowoon’s my friend too? So I now have two separate bullying instances to report back to the coach.”

“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll just take it and leave while Jae is still being nice.” Brian advises them, his voice adapting a patronizing tone.

With an indignant huff and a withering look thrown Jae and Brian’s way, the two finally heed their words and walk away. 

And it’s only then does Brian feel Jae let go of his wrist. His fingers twitch for a bit, missing the warmth. 

Clearing his throat, he demands the other’s attention to himself. “Thanks, Jae.”

“I wish you told me sooner that they were bothering you.”

“It’s fine.” He shrugs, steepling his hands on top of the wooden pole as he leans against it. “I usually ignore them. They just crossed the line today. But thanks to you, hopefully that’s the last of it. My sweet, little knight in shining armor.” He gazes up at Jae through his lashes, playful and teasing.

“I’ll throw this bucket of water over you.” Jae threatens, moving closer to the cleaning cart. “You’ll be dripping wet when I’m done with you.”

“Kinky, I like it.”

“ _Brian._ ” Jae whines, looking up at the ceiling in exasperation.

“Alright, I’ll stop.” Laughing freely, Brian decides to back off.

Jae breathes a long, drawn out sigh. “I swear to God…” he grumbles quietly, lips jutting out.

Brian merely beams at him. 

A lull settles between them after that, both seeming unsure how to proceed after what just transpired the night before. This is the first time they’ve gotten each other alone for the day so Brian has been feeling a little antsy since this morning, wondering how his friend is doing.

Clearing his throat, he decides to just go for it. “So, um, how are you feeling, Jae?”

His friend doesn’t meet his eyes. “I’m good, Bri.”

Brian frowns in concern. “Are you sure? Because last night, you were—”

“Can we please not talk about it here?” Jae cuts him off, finally meeting his gaze. For once, Brian can’t seem to read what’s going on behind those beady yet expressive eyes, can’t seem to understand the storm swirling behind them. Jae assures him some more, “You don’t have to worry about me. I promise, I’m okay.”

Brian studies him for a few, his own eyes flitting between Jae’s. When his friend doesn’t budge, he decides to let off. With a sigh, he gives a resolute nod and mumbling a quick _“okay”_ before he finally breaks away from their gaze.

Gesturing to the floor, Jae changes the direction of their conversation, deflecting as usual. “Anyways, need any help with this?”

“Oh, no, it’s too tiring.” Brian is quick to decline. “I can’t ask that of you.”

His friend gives him a look. “But you’re not asking me to. I’m going to do it because I want to help you out on my own. Sounds familiar?” He wiggles his eyebrows for good measure. His words are reminiscent of what Brian told him just last night. 

Brian gapes at him for a bit, not having anything good to argue with. He can’t exactly say no now after Jae applied the same logic he used on him. 

“You’ll be a hypocrite if you don’t agree to this.” Jae appeals some more.

Wordlessly, he relents by handing Jae an extra mop.

“See how easy it is when you let me have my way?” His friend seems pleased, beaming right back. 

Brian merely makes a face at him. And in a moment of fondness, he can’t help but to reach over and ruffle the top of Jae’s hair.

“Brian.” Jae whines again, trying to step away from his hand. But in doing so, his glasses go slightly askew, threatening to fall off his face. Without much thought, Brian goes to adjust it for him like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

“So, uh, anyway.” Jae clears his throat, giving a quick nod in thanks. His voice is suddenly quiet and timid as he asks, “Where should I get started?” 

The resulting blush on his cheeks doesn't slip Brian’s notice.

“Right over here.” He points to a spot just above the one he’s about to clean. “You take this side of the hallway and go up until you reach that corner.” He points to where the hallway ends on the wall with tall windows.

For once, he’s decided to lay off on the teasing as he too feels his face getting warm. He’s been having these weird urges lately—always wanting to touch Jae, have him close, and stare at him a little longer than necessary. And though he’s not actively trying to avoid them, it still takes him by surprise with the way his heart flutters whenever he instinctively goes for it. He’s not exactly a touchy and clingy person, but somehow, Jae is slowly changing that demeanor.

  
  
  


The rest of the week passes by in a blur. Going from classes, to community service, and to playing badminton at the quad regularly with his new group of friends, he’s quickly settled into this repetitive yet comfortable routine. His days have gotten a lot less dull and before he knows it, the five of them are already standing outside the door of Jae’s house late Friday afternoon, each carrying their own overnight bags.

After helping Brian with his community service for the day, finishing the task in a lot less than an hour, they all rode in Brian’s father’s SUV back to Jae’s place. Brian is still a little surprised at how easy it was to get permission from his father for this sleepover. 

Well, it surely helped that he knew it was with Jae. His father thinks highly of him after all. And he even seemed pleased when Brian introduced Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon to him as well. That wasn’t usually the case before in his old school. 

Brian doesn’t know what to do with this observation so he stores it in the recesses of his mind for now, making a mental note to ask his father about it some other time.

As Jae is busy unlocking the front door and announcing “Mom, I’m home!” to alert her of their presence, Brian takes in the façade of their house.

It’s a simple bungalow style house with a quaint but extended porch area. The front is adorned with lots of plants—hanging, potted, and with a tiny nursery off to the far right. The yard is surrounded by a short picket fence separating it from the sidewalk. And the exterior is painted a slightly dated but welcoming shade of warm white, with dark shingles on the roof, and army green shutters on all the windows.

The textbook image of a house in a gentrified suburban neighborhood.

It looks homey and lived in from the outside, kind of like the house is saying that a happy and well-functioning family lives here but Brian is no longer easily fooled. He knows how first appearances can be deceiving and after what Jae hinted to him on the phone days before, he figures that this well-kept front yard is some sort of a cover up; Mr. Park’s own way of overcompensating for whatever it is that he doesn’t want their neighbors to know.

“Psst,” Dowoon demands his attention all of a sudden, nudging him on the elbow.

“What?”

By the door, Mrs. Park is gathering Jae in a hug on the entryway before waving at the rest of them with a warm smile on her face. Subconsciously, Brian straightens his posture. He reaches a hand up in an attempt to subtly fix his hair.

Dowoon continues, lowering his voice into a whisper as they walk up the stairs of the porch. “You seem nervous.” 

Brian notes the teasing glint in his friend’s eyes.

“Why would I be nervous?” He scoffs, as if disbelieving. “I feel completely fine.”

But really, he’s mentally berating himself for making it obvious. He knows what the local newspapers wrote about him barely four months ago. He’s afraid that Jae’s mom read those things and that she already has a bad impression of him. It will surely crush him if she’s unhappy that Brian is friends with her son. For some reason, he wants to impress her not only as a way to give her a good image of himself. But because he actually wants her to think highly of him too. And for her to be glad that Jae has a friend like him in his life.

As he watches Sungjin and Wonpil interact with her naturally and with warm familiarity, Brian can’t help but to want that too. Once again, he brushes off the nonexistent dust and pieces of lint from his shirt and silently wishes that he wore something better than an old Metallica shirt and black distressed skinny jeans this morning. 

“My bad. I can see that you’re completely fine.” Dowoon quips, flat and sarcastic. “By the way, you have some dirt on your face.”

“ _What?_ ” In a slight panic, Brian quickly reaches a hand towards his face. “Where is it?”

“Gotcha.” Dowoon sniggers as Brian grumbles under his breath.

And with that, he wisely escapes Brian’s glare as he sees an opening; Sungjin and Wonpil are now done catching up with Jae’s mom and have started to walk deeper into the house. 

“Long time no see, auntie!” Dowoon greets her, tucking her head to his chest in an embrace. 

“Dowoon-ah! I see you’re as handsome as ever.” She greets back, just as bright and friendly.

Brian watches as she reaches up to pinch Dowoon’s cheeks and the latter enjoying the attention.

Scrunching his nose up in the air, Dowoon’s eyes brightens as he asks, “Is that your apple pie I’m smelling?”

Mrs. Park lets out a chuckle, pleased at Dowoon’s excited tone. “Calm down, it’s still in the oven. I baked them because I knew you guys were coming.”

“Well then, I hope you don’t mind me going straight to the kitchen to go check on it.” Dowoon’s already on the way to the direction of said room before he even finishes speaking.

“Stop sniffing the air, you weirdo.” Jae calls after him with an exasperated smile. However, the younger is already out of sight to keep the banter going.

Great. Now it’s just Brian and Jae left with Mrs. Park.

Gently closing the door behind him, Brian speaks up, timid yet steady. 

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Park.” His hands are clasped neatly in front of himself, a polite smile on his face, making sure to flash his dimples for added charm. He basically looks like the poster child for Meeting the Parents.

Mrs. Park regards him with an open and friendly smile of her own. He feels himself start to relax because of it.

“Oh, mom. This is Brian. Brian Kang.” Jae introduces him, stepping closer to give him a few gentle pats on the small of his back; _one, two, and three_. “I’ve told you about him before.”

Brian lets himself be comforted by the touch, taking it to mean that Jae’s secretly telling him to loosen up and that there’s nothing to worry about.

“Ah, yes. Your partner.” She remarks with a knowing glint in the corner of her eyes.

“Mom, we’ve been over this.” Jae whines. Brian can’t help but smile because it, adored. “He’s my _project_ partner. From English class.”

“Same difference.” She waves it off, chuckling at what seems to be an inside joke between mother and son. Brian can only hope that it’s in his favor. Addressing him, Mrs. Park continues, “I’ve heard lots of good things about you, Brian. I feel like I know you already.”

She reaches out to enclose both of his hands with hers. Brian’s heart melts from the gentleness of the gesture. With this, his demeanor appears more casual, feeling more like his usual self again. 

_She has kind eyes._ He notices, comforted by this small fact as he returns her smile, just as open and bright.

“Me, too, Mrs. Park.” He gives her hands an assuring squeeze. “Ah, I mean, I feel like I know you already too.” He corrects himself.

Mrs. Park clicks her tongue. “Oh, why are you so formal and polite, you sweet thing! Come over here and give me a hug.” 

After that, all of Brian’s apprehension completely goes out the window.

Leaning down, he gathers her in his arms. She smells like cinnamon and fresh laundry; homey and comforting. Behind him, Jae’s hand slips from his back all the way to his hip. He tries to hide how pleased he feels by it as he tightens his hold on his friend’s mother for the last time before pulling away.

Mrs. Park adds, “And call me auntie from now on.”

“Alright, auntie.” Brian obeys, relieved and happy.

“Now, don’t let me keep you.” She shoos them away. “I’ll call for you once the pie is ready. Just don’t forget to clean up after yourselves down there, okay?”

“Okay.” Jae chirps, letting Brian go.

He was about to feel disappointed, but then Jae hooks his thumb on the strap of his bag, sliding it off his shoulder.

“What?”

“I’m helping you carry it.” Jae explains, eyeing the bag that’s packed at full capacity. “You do know you’re only here for one night, right? Why did you bring so many?”

Brian’s face heats up. “Well, it’s my first time going to a sleepover. Usually, it’s my old classmates who like inviting themselves into my house. I didn’t know what to bring so…” he trails off, feeling flustered.

“Aww, Bribri is shy.” Jae cooes teasingly. With his free hand, he ruffles the top of Brian’s hair. 

Keening from the attention, he still has half a mind to notice Mrs. Park watching the two of them with a fond smile.

He’s about to defend himself, saying he only brought essentials anyway—two pairs of pajamas, a few card games, and lots of snacks—when they hear Wonpil shout to them.

“Jae, get your butt in here!” He calls, his voice echoing inside the house. “Dowoon’s trying to hog all the sleeping bags.”

“Here we go.” Jae sighs, taking the bag with him and therefore pulling Brian along. “See ya, mom.”

“Enjoy!” Mrs. Park bids them. And to Brian, she goes, “Make yourself at home, sweetie!”

Down by the basement, Jae sets his bag along with the others’ on the corner near the landing. 

Brian takes a look around as Jae helps Sungjin properly lay the sleeping bags on the floor, making it kind of like a big and comfy lounging area in front of the television. At the same time, Wonpil and Dowoon are setting up the movies they brought on the DVD player. 

It’s a one big, clean, and open space, with two doors on the right and one on the left. Brian guesses one of those must be the bathroom and maybe a supply closet or a laundry room on the others. Even without windows for natural light to seep through, it’s still bright enough to not feel like you’re being caved in. Just like the exterior, the walls are painted white and there’s enough recessed lighting for light to bounce to on the walls and ceiling. There’s an old but comfortable looking brown couch in the middle of the floor with a few colorful and chunky knitted blankets strewn all over it.

Heeding Mrs. Park’s words, Brian not-so-gently plops himself down onto it, sighing wistfully as he feels his weight sink into the soft cushions. 

Placing his hands behind his head, he lounges lazily as he watches his friends do what they usually do during these things. 

“A little help would be nice.” Sungjin announces, feigning innocence as he gestures to Brian who seems content lying down on the couch. “If it’s not too much trouble, Mr. Kang?” 

Sungjin has now moved on from the floor and is currently arranging all their snacks into separate bowls on a side table underneath the stairs. Bags of chips, three two-liter bottles of cola, lots of candies and chocolate bars from Brian’s bag, and the four boxes of cheese pizza his father bought for them during the drive here.

Sheepishly, Brian makes a move to help out but the sound of Jae’s voice stops him.

“Let him enjoy himself for now. It’s his first sleepover.” Jae explains, appealing to Sungjin for Brian’s sake with a lift of his brow.

“Ah, I see.” The latter gets a look of understanding.

However, the same cannot be said about Wonpil and Dowoon as they are now looking at Brian with utter disbelief. 

“Seriously?” Dowoon’s mouth is slightly agape. 

Wonpil finishes up with connecting the television wires before going over to sit on the other end of the couch. “Scoot over.” He playfully bumps the side of his butt on Brian’s feet to make room for himself before adding, “But I thought you used to have lots of people into your house?”

“Well, yeah.” Brian sits up with a shrug. “But I’m always the host, I never got invited to one.”

“You must be expecting a lot for this one, then?” Jae guesses, giving him an apologetic look. “Sorry to burst your bubble but we usually just chill around, watch movies, and play games all night. Nothing too crazy.”

“Then it’s perfect. It’s exactly what I want.” Brian assures him, easy and casual. 

And it’s true. He’s tired of all those crazy house parties with him constantly worrying about the mess he’ll have to get cleaned up in the morning and the ever present pressure to be at his A-game as the host. He just wants clean, good fun that’s calming. He’s not going to lie, he can be a bit lazy sometimes so being able to do that—eat, play, and sleep—while hanging out with his friends who are also doing the same? He couldn’t ask for more. He was right to look forward to this one. These kids get him.

A mischievous glint makes Wonpil’s eyes shine, suddenly excited. Brian’s sense of survival tells him he should feel nervous. 

“Then we should do some sort of an initiation ritual or whatever.”

“What do you have in mind?” Sungjin asks, intrigued. “And please, none of those cringey and cliché party games.”

“Don’t worry. Hold on,” Wonpil pauses before quickly running up the stairs. And barely a minute later, he returns holding a yellow plastic cup in one hand and presents it to them. “The four of us are going to fill this with whatever food or drink we like. And you,” he points the cup in Brian’s direction, “have to correctly guess the things we put in. One wrong answer is equivalent to one huge gulp of the drink. But if you win, the four of us will each have to take a sip.”

“Hang on, what are the rules?” Brian asks, a little wary but still excited. 

Wonpil shrugs. “I don’t know. We’ll make them as we go.”

“Hey, that’s not fair to Brian.” Jae intejects with a chuckle. “Let’s at least lay some ground rules first. Like, um,” he pauses with a beat, thinking. “Only use food available in the kitchen. And absolutely no spicy things, Brian can’t handle them.”

“Noted from Mr. Kang’s representative.” Wonpil responds with a teasing look thrown Jae’s way. 

“I’m writing his biography.” Jae deadpans.

“Shush, that’s not an explanation.” Wonpil waves him off.

Brian hides his smile behind his hands, more than pleased and flattered that Jae has noticed those tiny little details about him. They never actually talked about these kinds of things for the project, it’s just one of those that get shared in between.

From his spot on the floor, Jae merely threatens to throw a pillow towards Wonpil. The latter puts his hands up defensively, laughing at the ceiling.

“Oh, I have one.” Dowoon helpfully adds. “Instead of one drink per mistake, let’s just make it that after three wrong guesses, he’ll have to drink the whole thing. How’s that?”

“Awesome!” Wonpil gives him a high five.

“ _Down_ , boys.” Sungjin lightly calms their excited spirits down, watching in amusement as the two visibly obey his words. “Anyways, I think we should also limit it to two additions per person only. Let’s not go overboard.”

“Thanks, man.” Brian tells him with a relieved smile.

“Oh, with the kind of food I’m thinking of putting inside that cup, you won’t be thanking me anymore.” Sungjin counters, lips stretching into a smirk of his own. 

Instantly, the smile falls off Brian’s face, making the four of them laugh at the daunting look that settled on his features. He’s definitely in for it now.

“Don’t worry, Bri. I’ll keep them in check.” Jae assures him, ever the sweetest. _My knight in shining armor indeed._

“No, you won’t.” Dowoon disagrees wholeheartedly, throwing Jae a knowing glance. “I saw your eyes light up like a Christmas tree earlier. You got a good idea, didn’t you?”

“I’ll never tell.” Jae’s expression easily changes to that of mystery and mirth.

“Jae, I trusted you!” Brian cries out, feigning a look of complete betrayal.

“Shush, it’s time to begin.” His friend merely dismisses him, the mischief in his eyes making them shine through his glasses.

“Yay! Okay so,” Wonpil bounds over to him, procuring a handkerchief that Brian didn’t catch where he got it from. “Turn around and I’ll put this on. And by the way,” looking back at the other three, he adds, “we only have three minutes to put whatever we want in here so move quickly and choose wisely.”

“Nooo, I don’t have an idea on what I’m going to put yet.” Dowoon complains with a tiny pout.

“That’s your loss.” Brian taunts him, making a face with a tilt of his head.

“I’ll help you.” Sungjin cuts in, putting a reassuring hand on one of Dowoon’s shoulders and returning a more obnoxious look back to Brian.

“Now that’s settled,” Wonpil gathers Brian’s attention again, eager and a tad bit too excited. “You ready?”

Brian has no choice but to agree. “Ready.”

And within seconds, darkness floods his vision. The blindfold over his eyes is tied securely behind his head. Brian can’t even make an attempt to try to cheat and loosen it by moving his features around—scrunching up his nose, wiggling his eyebrows up and down, or tilting his head up so he can take a peek underneath the fabric. No, Wonpil made sure of those things. And who’s better at doing this than him; a big fashion design enthusiast-slash-craftsman? Nobody. That’s why Jae, Sungjin, and Dowoon had happily let him do the honors.

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Twelve.” Brian replies, flatly.

“Perfect.” He hears the sound of hands clapping before feeling Wonpil abandon him on the couch. “Now, Jae. Start the timer on your phone.”

“Done.” The man in question quickly responds.

To his right, Brian hears the sound of the sleeping bags rustling before something heavy is placed onto the coffee table in front of him. He assumes it’s Jae’s phone with the timer at the ready.

“On the count of three, we’ll start. No cheating, okay?”

Brian purses his lips. “Not that there’s anything I can do anyway. All of you will be in the kitchen upstairs.”

“Perfect.” Wonpil repeats with a giggle. “Okay, in three.” Brian mentally prepares himself. 

“Two.” 

He tries to recall all the strong food smells and scents he can remember.

“One!”

With that, he hears the sound of footsteps running across the floor and up the stairs. Assuming that he’s all alone now in the basement, he sits back on the couch and props his feet up on the table, careful not to kick Jae’s phone by accident. True to his word, he stays where he is, not even daring to touch the blindfold. Even then, he can’t shake the small smile off his face. He’s imagining what those four must be doing in the kitchen, rushing and making a mess as they scramble for whatever concoction they could create. He even wonders if they’ll ask Mrs. Park for help. 

He may be a bit scared about drinking from that cup of doom but he sure can’t deny that he’s having a lot of fun already. Aside from being the protagonist in this game, he’s grateful that they came up with it just to sort of “initiate” him into this sleepover. They may or may not be doing it consciously, but they sure are doing a good job of making him feel special and completely accepted.

Some time later, those three minutes taking much longer than he expected, he hears the faint sound of footsteps from the top landing gradually become louder just in time as the phone rings a loud alert. The timer has run out. 

Once again, he’s bombarded with his friends’ rambunctious chattering and hushed laughters. They seem much too excited for Brian’s comfort.

“Brian, first of all, I already feel sorry for you. The things in here…” Wonpil trails off before faking an exaggerated sound of hurling.

“Now you feel sorry? After you came up with this?”

Wonpil’s laughter rings loudly at that.

“I feel sorry because of what Jae put in here.” He elaborates, his voice shaky with a shuddering breath.

“Okay, now I’m really scared.”

“You should be.” Dowoon suddenly whispers closely to his ear, making him jump in his seat. “It smells so revolting.”

Sungjin chortles, clearly amused. “It’s funny how the person who looked out for you by making us promise not to put anything spicy is also the same one who added the worst possible food.”

“I can hear you giggling, Jae.” Brian warns with a flat tone, pointing blindly in the room with his forefinger. “I’ll get you back for this.”

He’s only met with more giggles from the same person, only this time it’s louder and freer.

“Let’s not stall any longer.” Wonpil begins, clapping his hands in excitement. He can’t help but wonder who’s now holding the cup that’s responsible for his potential demise. 

Dowoon reminds him, “Remember, you’re allowed only three wrong guesses. If you exceed that, you’re required to finish this whole thing.”

“I’ve got a plastic bag and a bottle of water at the ready.” Sungjin helpfully announces.

“Alright, give it to me.” Brian steels himself, squaring off his shoulders as if preparing for battle.

All too soon, the empty space to his right dips under someone’s weight. Long and slender fingers wrap around his wrist, gently guiding it away from his lap and upwards until he’s being handed the cup. A hand encloses around his, making his heart skip a beat as he can easily feel who it belongs to.

True enough, it’s Jae who speaks to him, voice too close and tone just a tad challenging. “Take your first guess, Bribri.”

And just like that, Brian wants to get this right, to knock it right out of the park just to see the surprise and impressed look on Jae’s face when he does.

Tightening his grip on the cup, he brings it closer to his nose and takes a hearty whiff.

In an instant, he’s hit with an acrid smell, borderline unbearable.

“ _Oh my God_ , what the hell is this?” He exclaims, abhorred. He tries not to gag as he attempts to analyze and differentiate the scents hitting his heightened senses.

He’s met with snickering followed by a few falsely dramatic well-wishes.

“Keep going.” Dowoon encourages. “There’s some distinct smells in there. I tried smelling it earlier too.”

With a heavy sigh accepting his fate, Brian goes in for another whiff. Well, on the bright side, Jae’s hand stays where it is, warm and soft around his. He’s making sure that the cup doesn’t tip dangerously to one side and avoiding the disgusting mixture from getting into Brian’s clothes.

He tries not to get distracted by the touch nor the sudden proximity on the couch as he feels his friend leaning in, curious to see his expressions. 

Concentrating hard, he notes the fizziness of a carbonated soft drink.

“There’s cola in here.” He states as a first guest, feeling confident about it. It’s an easy one, fortunately.

“Correct!” Wonpil announces. 

There’s the sound of Dowoon chiming in from the background with a proud chuckle, “I added that in.”

“Off to a good start.” Brian keens from Jae’s praise.

Without wasting time, he goes back in to take another smell. He keeps getting this hint of citrus but is being overpowered by something sour, assertively strong like it’s fermented. He has a guess on what it is but is afraid to say it out loud in case he’s wrong.

“Is it something that came off a jar?” He asks them.

“I mean, lots of them are, but yes.” Wonpil permits the hint.

“And it has a long shelf life in the fridge?” He pushes his luck.

Thankfully, Wonpil still grants it. “Yup.”

“Okay. Um,” he pauses, deciding. With another sniff, he goes for, “Is it pickle juice?”

“Woah!” The four of them chorus. 

“You’re great at this.” Sungjin compliments.

Brian’s chest swells with pride.

“Or, he really just doesn’t want to drink it.” Dowoon supplies jokingly.

“Who would even want to drink this?” Jae counters, stating the obvious.

“I mean, _I’m_ kind of curious.” The junior admits, making the rest of them react in different levels of horror.

“—are you for real?—”

“—have you _smelled_ it?!—”

“—I swear to God, you have a death wish, Dowoon—”

“Want to switch places?” Brian offers brightly, though he’s not really holding his breath on that one. This concoction is the most pungent thing he’s ever smelled up close. He can’t imagine Dowoon ever going through with drinking the whole thing even if he’s curious enough to taste.

“Hm, I think I’m good.” He declines, proving Brian’s thoughts. 

“Wise answer.” Jae quips.

Sighing, Brian goes in for another. But this time, his nose is barely near the opening of the cup when he feels himself sneezing. Fortunately, with Jae’s help, nothing of the drink spilled during his three bouts of sneezes. 

“What the hell, is that pepper?” He guesses right away without thinking at first.

“Strike one!” Wonpil cheerful declares. “That was your first mistake.”

“Oh shit.” He grumbles under his breath. The sound of Jae stifling his laughter let him know that he was heard. 

“Two more chances left, Brian.” He reminds him.

“What was that then?” He asks them, scrunching his nose before reaching with his free hand to scratch it.

“I think it’s matcha powder that made you sneeze.” He hears Sungjin inform him.

“Yeah, because Wonpil didn’t fully stir it in.” Dowoon playfully accuses, letting out as chuckle as he adds, “You sniffed the part of the rim that has most of the powder on it.”

“What?” The man in question asks in an innocent tone. “We were running out of time.” He defends himself.

For the next minutes, Brian’s managed to make a couple more correct guesses—ketchup plus apple cider vinegar that Sungjin added in, and vanilla extract courtesy of Dowoon. Unfortunately, he has also managed to incur another mistake while guessing the last ingredients from Jae. He’s almost there, so close to finishing this with his taste buds unscathed, but just _one_ more incorrect answer and it’ll be bottoms up for him. 

“Can I please get a hint?” He tries again, plastering on a pout for good measure, hoping that it’ll appeal to his friends.

Obviously, it doesn’t.

“No can do. You should’ve thought of that instead of wasting your hints on the easier ones.” Jae chides him, guiding the cup closer to Brian’s face again.

Well, if being cute doesn’t cut it. Then he’ll go in the opposite direction.

“If you don’t give me a hint, I’ll tell these guys the name I have for you on my phone.”

He feels Jae’s grip tighten around his hand.

“Are you blackmailing me?” 

“If it’s working, then yes.” Brian retorts, smug. “And I’ll start calling you by that nickname everytime we see each other.”

He _really_ doesn’t want to drink this.

Jae is silent for a few seconds, considering. And when he lets out a long, drawn out sigh, Brian celebrates a little, knowing his friend can’t refuse. But deep down, there’s a tiny part of him that’s disappointed. He was kind of already picturing what it would be like to call his friend “baby” constantly in public.

“Fine.” Jae concedes with a clipped tone. “I’ll give you another hint.”

“Hey, no fair.” Wonpil interrupts. “We want to know what it is.”

“Aw, that’s too bad.” Jae tells him, tone dripping with sarcasm. 

Brian hears a few more chuckles in the room as he sits patiently, waiting for the clue.

“Something that can be made at home.” His friend finally grants him. “And is usually fermented in a mason jar.”

“Fermented again?” Brian repeats in incredulity. “Why did you make this so hard, you monster?

Jae snickers beside him. “Come on, what’s your guess?” 

The excitement in the room grows tenfold because of it. If he guesses correctly, then that means the other four will have to take one sip each. But if he’s wrong, he’ll have to drink the whole damn thing. The stakes are pretty high.

For the last time, he goes in for a lengthy whiff. He’s so used to the smell now that he doesn’t hesitate going in closer, the tip of his nose basically touching the surface of the liquid. However, since he has been doing this for a few times now, it’s become so hard to distinguish the different smells intermingled within.

“Do you think he’s going to get it?” He hears Dowoon comment to someone in a mock whisper.

“I don’t think so.” Wonpil responds, just as quietly, sounding very much entertained.

Sungjin adds, “Who knows, maybe it’s so random that Brian just might get lucky with it.”

“Unlikely.” Jae is quick to shoot that down.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” Brian tells him, flat and unamused.

“You’re very welcome!” His friend replies, falsely cheerful and bright.

Without prolonging the inevitable, Brian goes, “Coconut water?” He guesses based on the tiniest hint of sweetness that he couldn’t quite place.

“Congratulations!” Jae suddenly cheers beside him, pulling the cup away from his grasp.

Surprised, Brian quickly removes the blindfold to see the looks on their faces. “Wait, I got it?!”

“Yeah, congrats!” Wonpil repeats, mirroring the pleased smile on Jae’s face. In an instant, Brian gets a bad feeling about it.

And true enough, Wonpil continues, “You got yourself a free one-of-a-kind drink!”

“What? No!” Brian groans loudly, fearing for his life. “What the hell was that last one?”

Giggling, Jae tells him, “It’s kombucha.”

“I would have never guessed that one.”

“I know.”

“Alright, just give it to me.” Bravely, Brian accepts his fate.

The four of them watch with eager anticipation as he tips the cup back, eyeing the disgusting brown liquid before taking a few big gulps until the last drop.

Surprisingly, it’s not as terrible as it smells and looks. The cola taste was overpowering so it’s good, Brian can pretend he was just drinking a few months old, room temperature soft drink. But God, the after taste from the kombucha and pickle juice is _horrible_.

“Consider yourself fully initiated into our sleepovers.” Wonpil declares, quickly handing him a bottle of water.

“How does it taste?” Sungjin asks as soon as Brian puts the cup down and chugs the water to clear the taste in his mouth.

“Like poison.” He hoarsely states before a loud burp suddenly rises up in his throat.

“Oh shit, your breath stinks, Bri.” Jae complains as he was close enough to smell it, fanning the front of his face. 

Getting an idea, Brian’s lips stretch into a smirk. “And whose fault is that, huh?” 

He gets dangerously closer to Jae, using his most threatening weapon at the moment: his mouth. In retaliation, he purposely exhales towards the direction of Jae’s face, letting him smell his breath as he leans impossibly close; their thighs are already flushed against each other, one more scoot to his right and Brian can practically climb onto Jae’s lap.

Laughing, Jae pushes against him as he angles his face away. And even though he has the advantage of being taller than Brian, that merely does nothing against the latter’s persistence. Because, in addition to burping on his face with the residual acid from the drink, he’s taken to running his hands on Jae’s waist and on the side of his neck as well, effectively tickling him. 

His friend squirms under his touch, giggles erupting from his mouth whenever Brian finds a good spot. And Brian is having just as much fun watching him, eyes bright and smiling wide, the exact mirror of the glee on Jae’s face.

Brian doesn’t know how long they’ve been at it, laughing to their hearts’ content until they’re both panting, when all of a sudden, Dowoon’s voice interrupts them. 

“Can we watch a movie now?” He asks, the right corner of his lips lifted teasingly. “Or do you want our permission for you two to get your own room?” He finishes, gesturing to one of the doors in the basement.

Noticing the flushed look on Jae’s face because of the younger’s words, Brian finally gets off of him as he, too, feels heat creeping up his cheeks. His heart is pounding loudly on his chest, not just from the exhilaration of laughing too much, but from the way Jae suddenly can’t meet his gaze. A myriad of emotions flood him all at once. His chest feels the lightest it’s been yet his heart feels full to the brim. Watching as Jae straightens up on the couch, head turned sideways to hide his blush, Brian gets the strongest urge to pinch those red cheeks. Or worse, kiss them.

Coming from the tailend of his realizations at the start of the week, he tries to gather himself and rein in his emotions. Before he does anything he might regret, he puts a good amount of space between them. He plasters on an easy smile as he ignores the teasing yet suspicious looks from the other three, choosing instead to change the subject. 

“So,” he begins as if Dowoon hadn’t hinted on Brian and Jae doing anything remotely inappropriate just a second ago. Even casually transferring from the couch to sitting over the layers of sleeping bags on the floor so that he’s closer to the television, he continues, “what are we watching?”

“Insidious.” Wonpil answers him as he makes a move to play it on the screen.

“Hey, wait a minute.” Jae cuts in with a tiny frown on his face. “I thought we agreed, no horror movies.”

“No, we didn’t.” Wonpil argues, turning back to give Jae with a small grin. “ _You_ suggested it because you’re a coward while _I_ merely pretended I didn’t hear it.”

“Wonpil…” 

Said friend merely gives him a pleading look. “Please, Jae, just this once? I love watching horror movies.” He finishes with a tiny pout.

With a sigh, Jae relents to it. “Fine. But please warn me if there’s any jumpscares.”

“No, where’s the fun in that?” Wonpil complains, going back to adjusting the sound and picture qualities of the film to his liking and dimming the overhead lights for better viewing experience.

One by one, as the movie loads on the display, they each claim a more comfortable spot on the floor. Dowoon laid down in the middle of the floor closest to the television, making room for Wonpil to lie down beside him. He even grabs a thick blanket for them to use from the couch. Meanwhile, Sungjin crawls over to the table with their snacks, resting his back against the wall as he claims a bowl of popcorn for himself. 

And Jae, sweet and cowardly Jae, stays rooted on the couch, the farthest spot away from the television.

“What are you still doing there?” Wonpil asks their bespectacled friend as he takes his own spot beside Dowoon. “Get over here and sit with us.” He pats the spot a little off to his left. The space that’s completely right beside Brian. 

Throwing Wonpil an accusative glare, he begrudgingly follows his order and plops down to Brian’s right. Brian watches as the two exchange harsh whispers with each other, but all he’s been able to catch are the phrases “too scary”, “ask him to protect you”, and “no cuddling in the dark”. 

All of which didn’t make any sense so he chooses to brush it off until finally, with one indignant huff of breath from Jae, the two’s secret conversation has ended just as quickly as it began.

He has an inkling that there’s a hidden agenda behind Wonpil forcing Jae to sit with him but he chooses not to voice it out. After all, it’s worked in his favor because he actually wants Jae near him, as petty as that sounds. If his partner is afraid of horror movies, Brian’s more than curious to know what he’s like in the middle of it. 

At first, he actively turns his attention towards the film. Since nothing much happens at the first few minutes anyway, he figures he might as well try to know what the story is about. But then, in the corner of his eye, he keeps seeing Jae fidget in place. Brian can’t help but frown, confused and a little concerned. Clearly, this isn’t him already being scared as the first act is pretty much introductory. 

“What’s wrong?” Brian leans in, keeping his voice down into a whisper to avoid distracting the other three.

“Nothing.” Jae responds just as quietly, however, too quickly for it to be sincere. “What makes you think there is?”

“You’re doing that fixing your glasses thing that you do whenever you’re nervous about something.”

“I didn’t even know I was doing that.” Jae basically gapes at him, dropping his hand back to his lap and looking like a deer caught in the headlights. An adorable yet completely distracting one at that, if Brian does say so himself. 

“Don’t worry, you can hide behind me if it gets too scary.” He gives his friend a reassuring pat on the knee. 

“Thank you.” Jae mumbles under his breath. Subtly, as if he was just waiting for permission, he now moves an inch closer, letting go of the tension on his shoulders as he finally sits with his side pressed against Brian. “I just really hate horror movies.” He whispers close to Brian’s ear.

With a light chuckle, incredibly fond and adored, he tells his partner, “It’s okay, I got you.”

And at the end of the movie, if you ask Brian to recount what it is about, he won’t be able to give you a proper answer. Because right now, as Jae presses against him during the scary scenes, he’s feeling much too happy for someone who’s supposedly watching one of the main characters get kidnapped by an evil spirit. You would think that he’s in a romcom or something with the way he can’t stop smiling.

  
  
  


Later that night, after they’ve eaten every last bit of Mrs. Park’s amazing apple pie, finished all the slices of pizza, and put a huge dent on the mountain that is their snacks, they tire their eyes out by watching a few more movies. Much to Jae’s relief, _Insidious_ is the first and last horror movie of the night. 

At half past one in the morning, most of them are already sleeping soundly in their own respective places. Well, everyone except for Brian. Since they’ve laid the sleeping bags on the floor together, they’ve created this sort of makeshift mattress that’s big enough for all five of them to roll around on. However, since he’s the “king of the castle”, Jae claims the couch all to himself. His entire height was just barely fitting on it. 

Brian can’t seem to quiet down his thoughts in order for slumber to creep in. And no, thankfully, for once the things on his mind are not about anything sad and bad. Lying down and staring at the ceiling, his cheeks still hurt a little from smiling too much over the last few hours. Tonight he finds himself feeling a little sentimental and contemplative, you see.

He’s come a long way since the start of senior year. From wanting to just get by every single day until graduation, uncaring and unseeing of the people around him, and basically counting down the days until he can book it out of here and never look back. But look where he's at now. 

For one, he’s been able to form such great friendships with these four guys. He’s started looking forward to going to school in the mornings because of them, imagine that. He’s back to having people crowd around his table before class. The difference being is that these guys actually care about him and not about the things they can benefit from by being seen around him.

For another, his relationship with his father is on the mend, slowly but surely. And by that he means that his father is actually and genuinely paying attention to him again. Not only did he give Brian back control over his car again— _partial_ control but really, he can’t complain, all things considered—but it’s also the little things he’s noticed. Wanting to know everyday after school how his day went, trying to get to familiar with his friends by asking about them, and they’ve even started eating at the same table again. Sometimes he cooks for the two of them, other times they order in from all of Brian’s favorite restaurants. He doesn’t exactly know what caused the change, but if he was to guess, it would be the routine drives to and from Brian’s school and having the big house completely all to themselves that slowly ate away through the walls they built around each other. It was during those rides and awkward nights that they’re basically forced to talk until, essentially, it became the most amount of time they’ve spent together in years.

And lastly, the one change that’s surprised him the most, especially with how much he meant it when he said it out loud, was how willing he was to go behind the main thing that he’s been wanting to do for months; to get as far away from this town as possible. And it was all because he doesn’t want to leave Jae behind. That’s how much he values his partner, how much their friendship means to him.

If all of this isn’t a complete 180 progress to who he was almost two months ago, then he doesn’t know what is. And the best part about it is that he’s actually proud and happy of what he’s becoming. All he can hope for is that his mother is smiling down at him for it, that she likes who he is now. No more jaded, cynical, and disillusioned Kang Younghyun.

As he tries to keep these emotions from brimming to the surface, the sound of rustling followed by distressed whimpers break him from his reverie. Following the direction it came from, his eyes land on the figure sleeping on the couch.

Jae keeps tossing and turning in his sleep, looking like he’s having a bad nightmare. From what Brian can see in the dimly lit room, with nothing but the four-corner recessed lights bathing the space in soft and warm color, his partner’s features are crumpled by a deep frown. He has on a tortured expression as more sounds of distress escape his lips; incoherent words and whispered pleas can be heard. 

“what did i do…”

“i won't do it again…”

“no more, please, i’m sorry…”

Worried about what Jae could possibly be dreaming about, Brian gets up from his place on the floor in an attempt to comfort or at least soothe his friend during it. Gingerly, and still careful not to wake him, he takes a seat right beside the couch. 

Reaching a hand to gently pat him on the shoulder, Brian consoles him in the softest voice he could muster, “Shhh, it’s okay. You’re okay. You’re safe, Jae.”

However, Jae only seems to jerk from the touch. Blindly, he pushes at Brian, whimpering about the same things once again. He tries to move away from Brian and in doing so, he unintentionally lifts the hem of his shirt, revealing a sliver of skin underneath. 

Swallowing, Brian’s eyes follow the movement, his gaze glued to the soft skin of Jae’s slim waist peeking through. But then, as his eyes adjust and he finally gets a better look, he sucks in a breath as he realizes what he’s seeing. 

There's a big and worrisome bruise on the side of Jae’s right hip. The yellowish color around the outer circle lets Brian know that it’s not fresh, but the mixture of black and blue in the middle also indicates that it’s still tender and throbbing. 

Heart heavy in his chest, he starts to feel this unfamiliar kind of anger spreading through him. His fingers hovering over the bruise begin to shake, overwhelmed with worry over his friend and just pure, unadulterated hate towards the person who caused this.

Slowly, and with a barely there touch, he runs the tips of his fingers over the bruise. Wanting to make sure that he’s not imagining it and then despising the fact that it exists. The idea that something bad happened to Jae that resulted in this… 

Unfortunately, as if he’s being burned by the touch, Jae instantly flinches and pushes hard against Brian’s chest. His eyes fly open, alert and oh, so terrified.

Disoriented, still not mentally present, and unseeing Brian, he begins to ramble, “No, don’t touch me! I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I promise I’ll be good. Please don’t hit me again, I’m so sorry—”

“Jae, it’s me. It’s Brian. You’re with me, you’re safe. See? Nobody’s touching you. It’s just a nightmare.” He puts his hands up to his face, palms facing outward and giving Jae space as he reassures him over and over.

It takes a second before Jae fully registers his existence. And when he does, he lets out a heavy breath, relieved.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to push you away.”

“It’s okay.”

As Jae grounds himself back to reality, Brian carefully adjusts the hem of his shirt, pulling it back down so it’s covering the bruise. He’s subtly letting him know that he saw, and leaving Jae the choice to acknowledge it or not. Even if it pains him to think that Jae might not want to talk about it with him, he’ll still respect that decision. Or at least try to.

Thankfully for his sanity, Jae doesn’t shy away from it this time. After staring at the hand that fixed his shirt, Jae braves to meet Brian’s eyes again.

“Please tell me you didn’t see that.” His voice is breathy. Sounding so fragile that it hurts.

“Jae…” he trails off, unable to deny it.

He can never lie to him.

And now that they’re talking about it, his anger flares, making itself known once again.

“I— I don’t know what to say.” He avoids the intensity of Brian’s gaze as he looks down on himself, his hand absentmindedly hovering over the skin of his bruise.

Cupping a hand on Jae’s chin, he tilts his partner’s face back up to get a better look at his eyes. Jae lets him do it, staying still as if he’s anticipating and waiting for what Brian is up to. 

And Brian tries to ignore the way his heart almost skipped a beat the moment their eyes met. Now is not the time to feel flushed and flustered, no matter how much Jae’s gaze holds him captive. Delicately, he runs his thumb over the skin of Jae’s jawline, caressing ever so smoothly and a complete opposite to the tumultuous anger he’s feeling inside. 

Looking Jae dead in the eyes, Brian speaks in a quiet and tense voice, barely restrained, “Then how about telling me who did this to you?”

He actually has a strong inkling on _who_ did it, but he wants the confirmation to come from Jae’s own lips.

There’s a brief pause as the air stills between them, as if everything is suspended. Brian watches as Jae’s eyes flit all over his face, searching as his own starts to shine with the wetness pooling in them. He doesn’t say anything for a while, frozen under Brian’s touch, and Brian just waits. Ever so patient and understanding. He keeps caressing the side of Jae’s face, knowing it’s not enough but wanting to provide comfort in any way that he can. Until finally, with a single breath, Jae breathes out the answer, shaky yet jarring to Brian’s ears.

“It’s my father. He, uh, he loves to take all of his frustrations out on me. But don’t worry, it’s nothing I’m not already used to.” He finishes with a shrug, hopeless and defeated.

“Oh God, Jae…” Brian’s jaw clenches and his heart breaks into two as he watches the first tear leave a trail down Jae’s cheek. 

With his thumb, he wipes it dry almost automatically. But as more and more kept coming, Jae just let them all out before breaking into a sob. As if by instinct, Brian quickly reaches to wrap a hand on Jae’s nape, gently guiding him to cry on his shoulder. Holding him in his arms, he feels Jae’s body almost shaking from the pressure of his cries, silent yet strong as if they were being ripped out of him. 

Gently, he runs his fingers through Jae’s hair with one hand and pats him on the back with the other, keeping him close. He’s trying to provide some semblance of solace and security, hating that it’s the only thing he can do for now.

He can feel Jae gripping the front of his shirt with both hands, shrinking into himself. In this moment, Jae has never seemed smaller than ever. Tightening his embrace, Brian keeps whispering words of assurance to his ear.

“No one can hurt you now. I’m right here, okay?”

“Just let it all out.”

“I got you, Jae. Always.”

Jae doesn’t say anything back. And he doesn’t need to. Just letting Brian see him like this, permitting himself to get comforted like this, is more than Brian could ever ask for.

And no matter how much he wanted for them to stay like this for a while, the very reminder that they’re not alone is what breaks him from this moment.

Looking behind himself, he can hear and see one of the other guys starting to stir.

Jae must’ve heard it too because he finally pulls away from the embrace. In a quiet voice, he sniffles, “I’m sorry if I ruined your sleep. I just, I don’t know what came over me. When you saw my…” he gestures towards his bruised hip, “I felt this huge relief that I don’t have to hide it from you anymore. I’m sorry for getting you involved in my problems.”

“Hey, hey.” Brian cups Jae’s face with his hands, holding him like he’s the most precious thing he’s ever held. “What did I say about apologizing too much?” He chides sweetly, playful in an attempt to lighten the tension in the room.

Jae finally lets out a weak chuckle, nustling closer towards Brian’s touch.

“Besides,” Brian adds, “you’re my best friend, probably the only one I ever had. Your problem is also _my_ problem, okay? Please never doubt that.”

“I know. It’s just that—”

The sound of more rustling interrupts them. Looking back at their friends, they realize that it’s Wonpil talking in his sleep.

“—stop kicking, Dowoon.”

On the contrary, Dowoon was in fact not moving at all.

Facing each other again, Jae and Brian share a quiet laugh before the latter makes a move to get off the couch.

“Come here.” He begins, grabbing Jae’s glasses from the table in one hand and wrapping his fingers around Jae’s wrist with the other. He starts to pull his friend along in the direction of the stairs, careful not to disturb their friends.

With a curious tilt of his head, Jae quietly follows. It’s when they get to the upper landing that Brian asks Jae to lead the way to his room.

There’s a surprised lift of his eyebrows at the request but nonetheless, he takes Brian towards the third room down the hall from the kitchen.

And as soon as the door shuts behind them, Brian unfolds Jae’s glasses before putting it on his friend’s face. 

“There.” He sighs with a smile, stepping deeper into Jae’s room and making himself comfortable on the bed. “Now we can finally talk in private and alone.”

Jae seems to shake himself out of the slight trance that the familiar gesture has put him in.

“Well, where do you want to start?” He asks, sitting beside Brian with their backs resting on the adjacent wall. They’re sitting perpendicular to the length of the bed, facing Jae’s desk with neatly piled books and study materials.

Brian stares at the calendar pinned on the wall. A few deadline dates are encircled red along with a couple lines of notes in their respective squares in his friend’s handwriting.

“How long has it been going on?” He wants to know, bringing his eyes back to Jae and seeing the other hesitate first before answering.

“Since my mom’s accident four years ago.” Jae chews on his lower lip for a bit. He sucks in a long breath before continuing, “I wasn’t lying when I told you that my father drastically changed after that. That he started setting up all these rules I needed to follow, and basically telling me to quit badminton and other distracting things to focus more on academics. I guess I just avoided telling you the part where if I don’t do what he says or I commit even just a single mistake on a quiz, what it translates to is a hit, a punch, or whatever he felt I deserve to get as punishment for it.”

Jae’s hands have been fidgeting on his lap the whole time he was speaking. Brian watched as he picked on the excess cuticles of his nails, pressing the back of his thumb against his palm until the blood underneath made the skin appear crimson.

Without hesitation, he reaches with his left hand to grab one of Jae’s before intertwining their fingers together. He melts at how different they are; he’s stubby whereas Jae’s is slender. He’s soft whereas Jae’s is bony. And his hand is smaller while Jae’s pretty much envelops him significantly. So opposite and yet somehow, they fit together perfectly. It almost feels familiar and not as if this is the first time they’ve ever held each other’s hand.

He’s holding on to him as a sign of companionship, comfort, and a promise. A constant and tangible reminder that he’s right here by his side. Like he’s said before, he’s not much of a touch-driven kind of person. But when it comes to Jae, all of that flies out the window.

“I can’t pretend to know how you feel. But know that I’m here and if there’s anything that I can do to help, just tell me.” He promises, voice low and delicate. “ _Please_ tell me because I don’t want to unintentionally make things worse for you.”

Jae gives him a reassuring squeeze, gently shaking his head. “You being here to listen is enough for me, Bri.” He flashes Brian a sad smile that it basically wrecks Brian’s heart. “Know that if worse comes to worst, I won’t hesitate to ask for help, okay? But for now, I’m fine with handling this on my own.”

Admiration blooms in Brian’s chest. It’s not just Jae’s stubbornness to face this alone but also his unwavering strength that took him this far, still being the sweet, brilliant, and compassionate person that he is. If it had been Brian in his place, he would’ve shunned the world, no longer giving a damn to anything and anyone. 

If he’s being honest, Brian’s having a hard time granting Jae his request. He wants to do _something_ for his friend now that he knows what’s happening, knows the reason behind why Jae called him a few nights ago crying. He can’t just go on like usual and not do anything while any day from now, he might see Jae at school trying to hide a limp, a busted lip, or something worse. He can’t just let it continue. It’s like going against every fiber in his being. 

“It’s just…” Brian clicks his tongue, frustrated. “I feel so angry. I’ve only seen your father once and it was months ago but I just want to go up to his face and confront him head-on for what he’s been doing to you.”

“Get in line then.” Jae lets out a chuckle, humorless. “Seriously, Bri. I appreciate you so much. But in this situation, there’s really nothing you can do.” He finishes, giving Brian an imploring look.

Brian feels himself slowly crumble under it so he looks away at the last second. 

“Does your mom know?” He asks instead after a beat.

Jae lets out a long sigh. “She does to some extent. After all, it used to be her who gets the brunt of my father’s life frustrations.” He begins playing with Brian’s fingers on his lap. Brian traces the movements closely, as if entranced. “See, that’s part of the reason why I can’t leave her. You saw her. She needs me just as much as I need her. I can’t even imagine what will happen in this house if I’m gone. I’d rather it be me than her, a hundred times over.”

 _This._ When he does and says things like this, Brian knows without a doubt that he’s a goner. This part he can easily understand because of how much he loves his own mother. How much he was willing to do everything for her. It’s in this moment that he feels the most connected to him. 

Subtly, almost subconsciously, he leans closer to Jae that their thighs come flushed against each other. For his dignity, he hopes Jae doesn’t notice. But secretly, he kind of hopes that he does. He wants to know how Jae will respond to it. 

He gets his answer when the other sinks into himself, sighing before resting his head back on Brian’s shoulder. Hope breaks through the cloud of anger and sadness Brian is feeling as his eyes stay glued to their intertwined hands, Jae mindlessly turning them over and continuing, “She doesn’t let me see it but I know she cries every time she suspects something happened. That’s why whenever I’m hurting somewhere, I try not to let her know. And thankfully, my father at least has some sense of decency left to avoid hurting me in front of her. At least, not anymore.”

“God, Jae.” Brians groans, staring up at the ceiling. What else is there for Jae to say that won’t already improve Brian’s opinion of him? Right now, all he wants is to hold Jae in his arms and keep him protected from the rest of the world forever. “I can’t even begin to describe how much it’s breaking me that this is happening to you. If I could, I’d switch places with you in a heartbeat.”

“Why?” Jae suddenly asks in a serious tone. He quickly raises his head upright to look at Brian in the eyes, bending his legs and shifting his position so that he’s fully facing the other.

“Huh?” Brian responds dumbly, heart suddenly thudding under their new proximity and the intensity of Jae’s gaze.

“Why would you be willing to do that for me?”

It’s a simple question. One that the answer easily comes to Brian’s mind.

But somehow, he’s at a loss for words. The way he sees it, if he shares the reason _why_ , the one thing that keeps him up at night ever since the day he surprised Jae with his hair that he realized he wants to keep surprising him from then on, he’s afraid that that much heavy emotion will scare his friend away.

So, he just chooses to voice the obvious instead, revealing nothing of the thoughts and certain _feelings_ he’s starting to harbor for Jae. “Because… we may not have known each other that long but honestly, you- you’re my best friend. Did you know that?”

Jae just nods, waiting for him to elaborate more. 

As usual, he sees right through Brian. He’s been saying that he knows Jae… but really, Jae already knows him just as much. Probably even more. The things he’s revealed to Jae, those are the things he’s never even told anyone else. 

So, for the same reason as mentioned, he chooses to be honest. He’s once again letting himself be vulnerable to Jae the same way the other has been doing for him. He gathers courage from the fact that it’s taken a lot for his partner to finally tell him about his father. It’s the least he could do.

With a heavy breath, he continues, “I- I’d given up caring during the past few months. Given up on me and my dad, given up on school and making new friends and experiencing the “last-ness” of senior year.” He pauses, a tiny smile lighting up his features. Warmth and affection bloom in his chest as he sees Jae hanging on to every word, adorable eyes shining behind those glasses. Encouraged, he gets braver and holds both of Jae’s hands in his. “And then _you_ came along and decided to change all of that for me as if it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. I just- I don’t know. You make me happy, Jae. And you make me a better person. I’d be nothing without you.”

It’s only a faint sound, but Brian swears with his life that he heard Jae inhale a quiet gasp. There’s a silent yet heavy tension between them, almost tangible. The only sound that he hears is the loud beating of his heart. He’s already revealed so much of what he thinks of Jae without actually saying the exact words. He expected to feel exposed. But to his surprise, all he feels is relief. 

He’s not one to keep his emotions bottled up after all. If he’s upset at someone, it easily shows in the way he acts towards that person. Take his dad as an example. Before this weird but good development in their relationship came to be, he either always gave him the cold shoulder, or he snapped back at him with fiery words almost constantly. So, all of the affection and adoration that he’s feeling for Jae needs to be let out somewhere or else he might end up doing something he’ll regret. You know, like give in to his urges and whatnot.

Kind of what’s happening right now.

As his eyes meet Jae’s again, his stomach does a somersault after noticing how close they’ve gotten. There’s barely a couple of inches left between their noses. He watches as Jae’s lips part the slightest bit, mesmerized. He can practically feel the other’s breath on his lips. And because of that, without thinking, he runs the tip of his tongue over his own lips. 

His insides basically melt after seeing Jae trace the small movement, eyes darting down to look at his lips before tearing them away to meet his gaze again.

Boldly, Brian lets his instincts take over as he finally leans in to close that tiny distance.

And just when he’s about to shut his eyes, feeling the barest of touches between their lips, Jae suddenly lets go of his hands, pulling away.

“Brian, I can’t.” His voice sounds pained.

Heart in his throat, Brian rushes to apologize. “Oh my God, I don’t know what came over me. I’m _so_ sorry.”

To his instant relief, Jae waves it off. “No, no, no. It’s fine. I just,” a pause, seemingly hesitant, “I can’t right now when I’m so _terrified_ my father might walk in through that door any second even though I know he’s not here.”

Understanding the full weight of Jae’s words melts away the growing doubt in Brian’s mind. He gets it. Jae’s father has instilled so much fear into Jae that it’s hard to shake it off even during his absence. He clings to this as being the only reason why Jae pulled away, why he stopped it even though Brian saw with his own eyes, erasing any hint of doubt, that Jae did start to lean in too. That it wasn’t just him who wanted it to happen. 

It’s in believing all of this that certainly helps him to keep away the sharp sting of rejection from creeping around the corner.

In a lighter tone, he jokes, “Okay then. So you’re telling me I can try again at a different time and place?”

With a light chuckle, effectively easing the tension in the air, Jae nudges their shoulders together. “You big flirt.”

But instead of playing along, the jovial tone in which Jae spoke suddenly made him nervous.

_Why is he taking this so lightly? Does he not think I was being serious? That I was just flirting like always?_

So, even though his heart started beating fast and loud again but for an entirely different reason this time, he still wants to make sure.

“Um, about that earlier, I really wanted to—”

“It’s late.” Jae cuts him off, suddenly sounding exhausted. “I think we should go back to sleep now, Brian.”

To add to his words, he adjusts himself so that he’s lying down properly on the bed, propping his feet on Brian’s lap.

Brian feels a little turned around. He doesn’t know what to make of Jae’s response. But since this night is already overwhelming enough, with or without him pursuing to find out what Jae’s thinking after they almost kissed, he decides to let it go for now. He _himself_ doesn’t even know what to properly think of and feel from it other than uncertainty and a sliver of regret. 

He was _such_ an idiot. He’s afraid that Jae being so casual about it as if nothing happened is his friendly way of giving Brian a way out. Going in for a kiss like that right now and right here of all places? After what they just talked about? How selfish can he get? See, nothing has even happened yet and already, he’s wordlessly proving to himself that he really doesn’t deserve Jae.

“Good night then.” He makes a move to get off the bed. 

“Wait, where are you going?”

He pauses in removing the weight on his lap. “To the basement.”

“Stay.” Jae tells him in a quiet voice, one of his hands gently patting the space beside him on the bed, _one, two._

Brian can’t even begin to describe the way hope instantly flooded in his chest. But like he said to himself, now is not the time to dwell on his feelings. No matter how encompassing and warm and full to bursting it makes his heart feel all the time.

So, even though he’s dying to ask _why do you want me to stay?_ , he just gives a little nod to the other before he calms his racing heart, adjusting so that he’s lying beside Jae but staring straight at the ceiling.

“You’re so stiff.” Jae notes with a quiet laugh.

After hearing the start of their usual banter, the subtle attempt to get him to loosen up, Brian finally lets himself relax. Joking around with Jae like always. It’s so familiar and comfortable. He can do this.

He runs his hands over his face, chuckling at himself before turning his head sideways to see Jae smiling at him, the fondness making his eyes shine under the dim moonlight peeking through the blinds.

“I’m offering myself as your personal human bolster.” He jokes back as an explanation.

“I appreciate that.” Jae quips through a yawn. “But I’d rather have you as yourself.”

A smile slowly stretches across Brian’s lips. “Hey, Jae.”

“Hm?”

“We’re good, right?”

Jae stares at him for a few. But before doubt even has a chance to invade Brian’s mind, his partner’s voice pierces the silence between them.

“Always, Bribri.”

They don’t say anything else after that, just looking at the other but no longer gazing at each other’s eyes. Somehow, this twin bed doesn’t feel as cramped even though there’s only a sliver of space between them. The quiet and the company… everything feels _nice_. Calming and comfortable. And as sleep starts to claim them, as Jae gets into a more comfortable position by turning to the side with his back to Brian, he hears the sound of Jae’s voice, whispering to him.

“I asked you to stay so that you can chase away my nightmares. Okay, Brian?”

“Okay.” He murmurs back, just as quiet but firm. Grounded; leaving no room for Jae to doubt his sincerity.

Needless to say, Brian takes a longer time to sleep that night.

  
  



	7. oh, the stupid things i do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which jae and brian decide to take a chance. together.

As Jae and Brian wake up almost at the same time in the former’s bedroom, with an awkward atmosphere that ensued after they realized they had their arms wrapped around each other the whole time, they came to a unanimous decision to quickly return to the main part of the house in the hopes that the other three have not yet noticed they were gone.

“Is your arm okay?” Jae checks with him then, flushed, and hesitant to meet his eyes. 

They’re currently slouching in bed with their backs resting on the headboard, not yet fully awake but already too aware of the situation they woke up to.

It was actually Brian who stirred first, the sight of Jae’s sleeping face greeting him the exact moment he opened his eyes. His friend looked so peaceful and calm, a stark contrast from when he was having nightmares last night, that he found himself staring. With his free hand, he dared to remove a fallen eyelash from one of Jae’s cheeks, puffy and squished by the mattress. Jae was even snoring a little, making soft little purrs from the back of his throat. Brian’s heart flooded with affection at how cute and adorable he looked right then and there: bedhead, striped pajama bottoms and a big white shirt, and the crease lines on the side of his face caused by resting on the pillow for too long.

It took him a few minutes to notice the way they were basically laid with their limbs tangled around each other. His right arm ended up under Jae’s torso while one of Jae’s legs was slotted in between his thighs. Brian was actually glad that Jae was not conscious yet. He didn’t know how to explain the way his face heated up at their position. Especially after Jae moved his leg in his sleep, hitching it dangerously higher against him.

After a while, Brian had to gently nudge Jae awake because he could no longer handle the pins and needles rising up along his right arm as Jae’s weight kept it unmoving for god knows how long.

“Yeah.” He assures his friend, massaging his arm to make the blood flow smoothly again. “It just fell asleep for a while.”

“You should’ve woken me up minutes ago.”

“It’s fine.” He lets out a chuckle. “You were sleeping so soundly; I didn’t want to bother you.”

With a sigh, Jae leans over Brian to grab his glasses from the nightstand. Because of this position, his neckline hangs a little loosely, granting Brian a front and center view of those gorgeous collarbones that he only ever got a peek or two of before. His cheeks heat up before he tears his eyes away from the sight. It shouldn’t seem sexy and yet, he can’t help seeing it like that.

“What time is it anyway?” Jae’s voice prevents his thoughts from running straight to not-so-innocent territory. 

Brian needs to get a hold of himself. They just slept together in the most innocent sense of the act. Or, as innocent as the two of them sleeping closely in one bed immediately after they almost kissed the night before. They haven’t done anything remotely inappropriate but he’s already feeling a little warm and tingly in all the right places.

Clearing his throat, he pulls his phone from one of his pajama pockets to check the time. “Almost ten.”

Jae fixes the glasses properly on his face, scrunching his nose up in such an easy and offhand manner that Brian suspects he didn’t even know he was doing. “We should probably head down before those three idiots get a few _creative_ ideas on why we’re gone.” 

Brian doesn’t let it show, but he’s easily catching on to the teasing looks and remarks Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon kept throwing at Jae in relation to him. And if he’s being honest, he gets a kick out of the resulting blush blooming on Jae’s cheeks because of it. A flushed Jae is an adorable Jae, remember?

“What kind of _creative_ ideas?” He prompts, feigning an infuriatingly innocent face.

“No, no, no. I just woke up. I won’t be baited by you so early in the morning.” 

Brian lets out a delighted laugh. “Bummer.”

Jae makes a face at him, mocking, before moving to get off the bed, his hair sticking out in whichever way possible. “Come on. Get your ass up and help me make breakfast.”

“You cook?” Brian follows after him, taking the initiative to properly fix the sheets and line the pillows. He secretly notes all of the tiny details in Jae’s room that he hadn’t noticed in the dark the night before.

Light green beddings and navy blue pillowcases. A soft knitted rug hugging the balls of his feet. Walls painted a muted gray with frames of his academic achievements hanging on the wall adjacent to the desk. He can’t help noticing the absence of Jae’s badminton awards though. Or any personal touches such as family pictures or favorite band posters for that matter. It’s upsetting to him that no matter how warm, bright, and loving Jae and his mother are together, the looming and haunting presence of the man of the house dims everything and blankets the house in this cold and stifling air.

“Of course, I cook.” Jae snorts lightly at him, once again bringing him back to the conversation they were having. He steps closer to properly align one of the frames on the wall as Brian finishes on the bed. 

Brian sees that it’s an award for winning an off-site, inter school math competition back in freshman year. Impressive, as usual. 

“I’m having a hard time picturing it for some reason.” 

“Don’t look so surprised.” Jae narrows his eyes at him, playfully accusative. “You’ve seen my packed lunches at school a few times. I cooked all of them.”

Brian shrugs. “Fair enough.”

“Why, what about you?”

“I mean,” he starts in a modest tone. “I wouldn’t say I’m good but I get by on my own in the kitchen. You know that me and my dad only started eating together again like, last month.”

“Ah, I see.” Jae nods, fully understanding and no doubt remembering what Brian told him, not in full detail, about this sort of weird and rocky relationship he had with his father after he eloped with someone else barely a year ago. 

“Yeah.” Brian sighs, low and quiet.

“Well, it’s time to make yourself useful in my house then.” The sudden bright and cheerful tone of Jae’s voice naturally brings a smile to Brian’s face.

“Yes, sir.”

With that, they quickly make their way out of the room. 

However, as they get to the kitchen, they see two dirty pans already sitting in the sink. The tasteful smell of bacon is still lingering in the space as Brian’s tummy oh, so delightedly noticed.

“Mom?” Jae calls to the rest of the house with a confused frown.

“In here, sweetie!” Mrs. Park calls back, the faint sound of her voice coming from somewhere a few rooms away.

Following the direction it came from, Brian lets Jae lead the way to the front door that’s been left wide open, letting in the morning light bathe the entire space with warmth and fresh air. They get out the porch to Mrs. Park sitting out front, enjoying a giant steaming cup of coffee half the size of her face, and what appears to be a plate of bacon and cheese omelet.

“Good morning,” she greets the two as soon as they join her. Giving them a meaningful look, she adds, “Did you both have a good night's sleep?”

“Good morning, Mrs. P- auntie.” Brian catches himself. Since his friend’s mother has not-so-subtly made it known that she knew about them sleeping in Jae’s room (but hopefully she stays none the wiser on why they were there in the first place, no need to make her worry about her son any more than she probably already does on a regular basis), Brian decides to play along with her insinuations. “Actually no, Jae kept talking nonsense in bed last night. It was so entertaining that I had to record a few.”

Mrs. Park lets out a hearty laugh as Jae gives him a look of betrayal that rivals that of a scorned ex-lover usually found in telenovelas. 

“You did _not_!” He gapes at him. “Seriously?”

Brian chortles. “Nah, I’m just kidding.”

“Thought so.” Jae rolls his eyes in exasperation. “You were out like a light last night, you know.”

“Well, _you_ were snoring a little this morning too.”

“Brian.” Jae groans. “Feed me first before we do our usual back-and-forth thing.”

“I’m sorry.” He chuckles. “I didn’t know you’re not a morning person.”

“I mean, who is?”

“Me.” 

“You’re not a morning person.” Jae counters, leaning against the open door frame with his arms crossed over his chest. “You’re an all-the-time person. As in you’re always _on_ and lively and quite annoying all the time. I miss the days when I thought you were brooding.”

“Oh, you mean like this?” He puts on a smoldering look, eyes squinted a bit, and lips forming a sexy pout. Or at least he attempts to. Which, obviously, doesn’t end up being the case as Jae just laughs wholeheartedly at him for it.

Out of the corner of his eye, Brian notes the way Mrs. Park watches the entire exchange with a smile on her face, looking too amused for his liking.

Seeming to notice this as well, Jae quickly darts his attention back to her.

With a tilt of his head, he asks, “Did you cook, mom?”

“No, silly.” She dismisses with a wave of her hand. “My legs were hurting again when I woke up this morning so I know I won’t be able to reach the stovetop even if I tried.” Gesturing a hand in the general direction of the doorway, she informs them, “Those three cooked breakfast for all of us a while ago, such sweet boys. And before that, I found them quietly giggling outside your room so I told them not to disturb you in your sleep or you’ll get cranky. They’re back in the basement waiting for you guys.”

Jae clears his throat. “What are you doing out here then?” A wise attempt at averting the topic right away as the hints of crimson start creeping up his neck.

Brian’s not going to lie, he’s feeling a little flushed as well whenever he gets reminded that _he and Jae slept in the same bed._ And because Jae literally asked him to. He can’t help it, okay? It feels like a big deal. Especially after he just let his emotions run a little wild last night. 

Mrs. Park places her big mug beside one of the planter boxes on the porch railings. Craning her neck to glance to the far side of the house, she tells her son, “I’m waiting for Sarah to return from the farmer’s market and bring me new sets of yarn and wool.” To Brian, she explains, “She’s our next door neighbor and my best friend.”

“Oh, you’re a knitter, auntie?” Brian perks up. “That used to be one of my mom’s favorite hobbies too.”

“Used to be?” Mrs. Park’s voice is careful and oh, so gentle that Brian gets a strong urge to give her a hug.

“She… uh, she died four years ago. Leukemia.” He flashes her a tight smile. “But, yeah, she had a whole room back home dedicated to all of her books and crafting materials.”

“Well, just by looking at you, I’m pretty sure she was an incredibly talented person. And I would love to see her works some time.”

Waves of warmth spread through Brian’s chest. “Oh, for sure. I’ll take pictures and send them to Jae whenever I can.”

“I’d appreciate that.” Her eyes light up, indicative of her suddenly getting an idea that she’s delighted about. Brian starts to feel himself look forward to it. “In the meantime, how about I share with you some of my finished products as well. I’ve made _plenty_ anyway.” She faces her son. “Jae, get a sweater for Brian from one of the laundry cabinets downstairs. Let him choose a style and color.”

“Oh, auntie, thank you but you don’t have to—”

“Just take it, Bri.” Jae’s the one who waves off his shyness and reluctance. “She already gave to Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon a few years back as well.”

“Okay, that makes me feel a lot better accepting it.” Brian takes it back with a chuckle, reaching a hand to scratch the back of his head. “Thank you so much, auntie. I’ll make sure to wear it almost on a regular basis.”

Mrs. Park chuckles lightly. “You’re too cute, Brian. Now,” she begins to shoo them away, “join those three downstairs. They’ve been waiting for you two to wake up all morning; your breakfast must be getting cold.”

Brian notices a slight hesitation on Jae’s face before it’s gone in an instant. He figures it must be from the thought that they’ll surely walk in to relentless suggestive jokes when they get to the basement.

But fortunately, even though Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon all seem to have been awake for a while longer than Jae and Brian has been, because of the somber looks on the two of their faces as they rejoined them downstairs, their friends chose not to point out that they have been gone all morning. Or that they’re kind of making their own version of walk of shame back to their sleepover setup.

Also, they basically didn’t mention that they know the two slept in Jae’s room together. Or that they ignored the mess that is both of their bedheads. Instead, they just kept things simple. Normal is the more accurate word. 

As Sungjin prepares their own plates, Jae heads straight to the laundry room with two of them in tow: Brian for him to choose the design of sweater he likes, and Wonpil just out of sheer curiosity and desire to share his opinions on which looks good on the former.

Brian’s eyes almost bug out of their sockets after seeing rows upon rows of impressively stylish knitwear. He’s not going to lie, what he expected was something kind of ordinary. You know, like the stereotypical look of knitted sweaters—homemade and rustic. But no, the things he’s looking at right now are something that you can easily picture being pinned on a Pinterest board. These sweaters, and surprisingly a few other shirts and vests now that they’re digging through the many drawers, follow a certain style and aesthetic. Ones that don’t seem to ever be out of trend.

Brian stands diligently and curiously with hands clasped in front of him as Jae and Wonpil find one that they think will look great on him. 

“Auntie really should think about collaborating with a store or something. These are high-quality.” Wonpil comments, going over the separate drawers on the far right beside the stacked washers.

Jae merely hums in response, too busy holding up a yellow sweater in front of Brian’s frame. 

“Too bright.” He mutters to himself before returning it where it belongs and continuing with the search.

 _I thought_ I _was supposed to choose?_ Brian recalls, watching the whole thing with a fond smile.

Wonpil speaks up again, this time demanding Jae’s attention by going over to tap his shoulder. “Why are these ones separated from the others?” He points to the drawers he’d been checking. “The ones with the same logos stitched at the sleeves?”

Jae gives them a quick look before shrugging. “I don’t know. That’s her special batch, I think. They’re made from the high-quality yarns aunt Sarah gives her.”

“Interesting…”

“Why?”

“Nothing.” Wonpil waves him off, eyeing this batch of knitted sweaters, vests, and shirts with newfound appreciation. “It’s just,” he runs a finger on the embroidered logo by the chest on the cream-colored vest at the top of the pile. “This logo looks really familiar, I just can’t place where I’ve seen it before.”

Brian leans forward to take a closer look as well.

“It looks so intricate and pretty.” He notes appreciatively, studying the golden strokes and dark green vines with tiny leaves wrapping around the outer radius of the embroidery. It’s small yet the details are impressively discernible: the letter J in Old English font stitched in black, and the light brown threads making up a wide dirt road on the background. You can tell that a lot of work and effort has been put into making them. “Mrs. Park is so talented, these should be put on display or something.”

Jae snorts, rueful, before going back to the task at hand. His glasses move a quarter of an inch down the bridge of his nose as he keeps looking down at the drawers; Brian’s fingers itch to adjust them back higher. 

“Don’t let my father hear you say that. He thinks it’s a useless hobby of my mom and he hates seeing these around the— finally!” He breaks off mid-sentence as he finds one that he likes. Facing Brian again, he hands him a shade of muted red sweater. “Here, try this on.”

Obediently, he takes it from Jae’s grasp and puts it on over his button-down pajama top. 

“There’s a mirror in the bathroom.” Wonpil tells him, a smile slowly stretching across his lips before looking over at Jae. “Great find.”

Jae looks satisfied with himself, admiring Brian’s frame with an easy smile of his own.

Walking over to the next room, Brian finally gets to check his reflection. The red is reminiscent of his old hair color, but the soft muted shade of it also complements the darkness of his jet black hair and brings out all his facial features.

There’s proper stitching on the hems and sleeves. It’s a good fit, maybe a little snug as it hugs his chest but fortunately, it’s in the most flattering way possible, if Brian does say so himself.

He sees the other two stand behind him.

Looking back, he asks, “Are you sure it’s okay for me to take this?”

It’s Wonpil who answers him. Clicking his tongue at Brian’s uncertainty, he goes, “Brian, please. It’s much harder to say no to Mrs. Park so if I were you, I’d swallow my modesty and take everything she offers. She’d never take no for an answer anyway.” He chuckles, fond and light. “Better get used to it now.”

Brian shakes his head, relenting.

“Are you three done with the makeover? Food’s getting cold.” Dowoon suddenly calls from the couch, voice muffled a little with his breakfast. With a snicker, he adds, “And Sungjin is already stealing bits of bacon off your plates.”

Wonpil snorts. “‘Course he is.”

He quickly leaves Jae and Brian on the doorway of the bathroom to finish his own plate of food.

Brian makes a move to take off his new sweater when he feels hands take hold of the ends of his pajama top.

“What—”

“—They’re riding up.”

“Oh, right. Thanks.” He tries to give Jae a sheepish yet grateful look but the latter seems to be looking at anywhere but him. 

Brian is pleased to notice the tips of his ears turning pink but decides to say nothing about it. Instead, he continues to take the sweater off, even cheekily exaggerating his movements so that his pajama shirt underneath reveals a sliver of skin, one that Jae has to cover by adjusting and pulling on the hem lower. 

Unfortunately, Brian didn’t expect that it’s a double edged sword because in doing so, the tips of Jae’s fingers brush lightly and delicately over his waist. In an instant, a tingling sensation spreads through him like wildfire right from that one spot. Brian is reminded of the way they woke up in the other’s bed this morning, limbs entangled and the closest they’ve ever been. And now, _he’s_ the one sporting a blush too. 

“Thanks.” He distractedly repeats himself, keeping his eyes down as he folds the sweater over his arms. 

“Don’t mention it.” Jae’s reply is quick and automatic. After a beat of them just awkwardly standing there, faces hot, and not really looking at each other, Jae clears his throat as he makes a move to join the other three in the main room.

Brian stifles the relieved sigh that threatened to escape him as goes to follow him out of the bathroom.

Claiming a spot on the couch, Sungjin hands him a plate of bacon with eggs and a mug of hot chocolate. This time, he actually does release a sigh in content as the scent of the food hits him all at once. His thoughts have been all about Jae and what they were so close to doing the night before that he kind of forgot how hungry he is. 

For the rest of the late morning, the five of them finish eating breakfast together before going up to wash the dishes (Jae and Brian) and clean up the mess they made after cooking (Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon). Once they’re satisfied that the place is spotless and everything is as it should be, they transfer themselves to the living room to chat with—or more like bother—Mrs. Park as she continues knitting in front of the television. 

Brian proudly shows off the sweater that Jae picked for him, all the while showering her with compliments regarding her craft.

Mrs. Park easily waves them off before wordlessly handing Dowoon the remote to change the channel to his favorite cartoon. The youngest of the group merely cheers before settling on the couch. 

“He always watches this show.” Wonpil explains after seeing Brian’s amused face. “Our baby prodigy loves cartoons and anime.”

He chuckles at the description as he too decides to watch, sitting down on the floor with Sungjin and Jae. 

About an hour passes before they return to the basement to clean up their mess in there as well. And when they were done, they played the card games Brian brought for a few hours to kill time before they’re supposed to head home in the late afternoon.

Brian has a feeling that the other three suspect something happened between them last night—something serious and one that challenged the thin line between friendly and romantic. He could tell because not just once, he noticed Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon sharing a look between themselves whenever he and Jae would talk separately from the group. And no, the three weren’t exactly teasing either, it’s more of them looking like they were exchanging questions through their eyes especially when Brian’s hand on the small of Jae’s back lingered a second too long. If he had to guess, those three looked pleasantly suspicious and a little hopeful. 

But since he and Jae are not specifically saying and doing anything out of the ordinary, acting almost too casual with each other, they’re respecting that by going along with it. They never mentioned a word of whatever they were thinking ever since they found out Jae and Brian slept in the former’s room. They just… let them _be_.

Once again, Brian finds himself appreciating these guys a whole lot more.

And when it’s time to say goodbye and thank Jae and Mrs. Park for letting them spend a night in their home, Brian hugs them a little too tight. For the sweater Mrs. Park gave him. For Jae giving him this incredibly fun and wonderful experience of his first ever sleepover. And another second longer for the upsetting reality that they have to endure the cruelty of Mr. Park.

“You’re welcome back anytime, sweetheart.” Mrs. Park tells him as soon as he pulls away. “Don’t be a stranger now, okay?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Jae waves at him. “See you at school, Bribri.”

“Email tonight?” 

His partner nods easily before playfully shooing the four of them off the porch. “Now get out of here, we’ve already spent too much time together. I need a break from all of you.”

“Hard same.” Dowoon quips with a flat look before breaking off into a chuckle.

“So,” Wonpil nudges Brian by the elbow.

“What?”

“How did we do for your first not-home-based sleepover experience?” 

“Perfect.” The word easily comes to mind. “You knocked it all out of the _park_. Get it?” He wiggles his eyebrows to unamused faces. “Tough crowd. Anyways, it’s definitely better than the ones I used to have at home.”

“Speaking of,” Sungjin starts, “invite us over some time, will you?”

“Fine.” Brian sighs as if regretful. “I guess I’ll be forced to clean up my room.”

“Seriously?”

“Nah, just kidding.” Brian flashes him a smile. “You’re all invited whenever. I think my dad even wants all of you to come to our house almost every day after school.”

One look at the driveway lets Brian know that his father is already there waiting to drive him home. After a quick introduction between Mrs. Park and his dad, with the two sharing a bright and friendly smile, Brian offers for the other three to join them. Unfortunately, they all declined, saying that their houses are merely a walking distance away from here anyway. 

Bidding each other a final goodbye, they all went their separate ways as Jae and Mrs. Park watched them go before going back inside.

“Did you have fun?” Brian’s father asks as soon as he starts driving.

Dumping his overnight bag on the backseat, Brian busies himself with fastening the seat belt before answering, “Yeah. It was super chill. We had a really great time.”

“Jae’s mom seems nice.”

“She is.”

“Is his dad home as well?”

A frown finds its way to Brian’s face. He avoids looking at his father as he says, “No, he was out of town.” 

“That’s too bad. Would’ve loved to meet him too.” 

_I highly doubt it._ Brian holds his tongue, choosing to stay silent at that. The anger and frustration that he felt last night easily flooded back in his chest at the mention of that man. 

_No, don’t touch me!_

_I promise, I’ll be good._

_Please don’t hit me again, I’m so sorry._

The absolute fear in Jae’s voice as he uttered those words, they ring in Brian’s mind all too loudly. He’ll never forget the way Jae looked right then and there, unseeing him and recoiling from every touch as if it burned him.

It tears his heart into a million pieces just thinking about it.

Brian considers asking advice from his dad about two things: Jae’s situation at home, and just him developing these certain _feelings_ for his friend that has been threatening to spill out of him for a while. 

He’s curious to hear what his father has to say, what his perspective is as a parent. Of course, even though they sort of grew apart the last couple of years, Brian is suddenly grateful that his father never laid a hand on him. Not when he basically wrecked the house for throwing a rage that ended with the neighbors filing a noise complaint. Not when he caught his fifteen-year-old son trying to smoke weed for the first time with his lacrosse teammates. And not even when Brian was brought to the precinct for “allegedly” pushing his stepmother down the stairs that immediately sent her to the ER. His parents might have grown up in old-fashioned Asian households, definitely not strangers to raised voices and hands in the name of instilling discipline, but they never incorporated that into raising him. He genuinely wants to know what his father will say about this.

And ironically, he also wants his father’s advice on what he should do about the strong affection and attraction that he’s been feeling for Jae. It’s ironic because, before his mother died, his parents were always so in love with each other. His father used to claim that _she_ was his entire world. Brian wants his advice on how he should approach this, especially after finding out about Jae’s father. He wants to know if confessing will only make things worse for his friend or if, just like the way he hopes it will be, he might provide some sort of reprieve for the other. A much needed source of happiness in times of trouble, offering his arms and his entire self as someone Jae can easily run to in search of comfort.

But then, as he casts a furtive glance back to his father, Brian decides against it at the last minute. It’s simply not his secret to tell. Even if he chooses not to disclose who it’s about, it would still make him feel bad as if he’s betraying Jae’s trust. And that’s the absolute last thing he wants.

Besides, this new dynamic between him and his father feels so new and so fragile that he’s afraid to delve deeper so easily and so quickly. He’s not quite there yet in feeling comfortable enough to share about these things to his dad. 

“Oh, by the way, I’ll have the house cleaned by the end of the week. Make sure to lock your bedroom door so they won’t touch your things.” His father informs him. Brian notes the subtle nervousness yet excitement in his tone but decides to dismiss it immediately. Maybe he just imagined it. Besides, nothing remotely close to exciting ever happens at their home anyway.

And so, for the rest of the ten-minute drive home, he stays silent, thoughts running wild with worry, affection, and wonder about a certain bespectacled friend instead.

  
  


***

  
  


The following Monday morning, Brian comes to school in a hopeful mood. Well, he’s tethering between being hopeful and nervous, at least. But it’s the kind of nervous anticipation that leads to hope should things go the way he wishes them to. For half of Saturday and all of Sunday, he’s been building himself up to have enough courage to do a few things—choosing what words to use to properly express himself, and wondering how to go about this that would let Jae know he’s not pressuring him into anything. He really just wants to let his thoughts and feelings known. He’s never one to be shy about these things anyway. 

He even made an effort to look and dress better today: a black suede shoes that reveal his ankles, black skinny jeans to highlight his thighs (cheeks flaming when he put it on this morning as he remembered that he once caught Jae staring at them), and a flowy navy blue and white striped button down with the hem tucked in front and the top two buttons open (as some sort of a payback for all the times he was teased by Jae’s sexy collarbones peeking through loose necklines. And his friend _always_ wears those kinds of shirts. Brian thinks it’s unfair).

He plans to catch Jae before the bell rings, wanting to talk more about what happened in the latter’s room Friday night—specifically the almost-kissing part. But for some reason unbeknownst to him, after waiting for about twenty minutes, his ever-so-punctual partner suddenly pushes it a little too close by sliding into his seat merely seconds before the class starts.

Confused, he peeks at his phone under the table to go over the conversation they had through emails over the weekend.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **hey**  
  
Can we talk more about what happened back in your room? 

He sent that on Saturday evening but he didn’t get a reply until yesterday at noon.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Tomorrow morning before English period?

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Okay. See you, Jae.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
See you!

Brian’s face crumples in a frown, concerned. They clearly agreed on the time. Did Jae forget or something? But before he lets doubt and anxiety cloud his better judgment, he tries looking at this from Jae’s perspective.

 _He still agreed to talk, didn’t he?_ That’s more than Brian could ever ask for. _He must’ve been feeling nervous about this too._

As he catches his friend’s gaze in the middle of the lecture, he tries to accurately convey the question of why he’s late all in a quirk of his brow. 

_Did something happen?_

Something unreadable flashes over Jae’s features but before Brian can try to interpret what it is, Jae’s lips stretch into a small smile before subtly shaking his head. 

_I’m okay. Everything’s fine._

When Brian still doesn’t look convinced, he sees Jae discreetly peel off a piece of paper from his notebook, scribble something short before handing it to him when Ms. Watson isn’t looking.

Rain check on that talk?

Brian can’t help but to breathe a sigh in relief. Everything’s fine after all. Nothing bad happened at their home this morning. He was probably late over some mundane thing. Maybe Mrs. Park needed help with something first. Maybe Jae slept in a few minutes late and so he took too long to cook and pack his lunch. But whatever it is, Brian is glad he wasn’t hurting anywhere. Sure, after a quick sweep of Jae’s frame, he’s not pretending to know and be sure that nothing is amiss, that there’s no hidden bruises like before. Somehow though, just by the small and subtle smile in his friend’s face, it’s enough to assure him. And so, he permits his worries to ebb away. He writes back:

I’m holding you to that.

He would have loved to keep their pen-pal thing going for longer, but he doesn’t want to risk them getting caught by the teacher mostly for Jae’s sake. And so, for the rest of class, he tries to swallow down his disappointment too. Nonetheless, he can always talk to Jae alone later in the afternoon. For now, he settles to following Jae’s lead and paying attention to the lecture.

That was the last “conversation” he’s able to have with his partner as well because Ms. Watson ended class almost on time, cutting it too close to the bell and only giving Jae and Brian enough time to bid each other a parting smile before they lost each other in the busy hallways.

But now that lunch period has rolled around, Brian is once again feeling optimistic and a little excited. It’s still a wonder to him how he easily went from eating alone at the faculty side entrance to sharing a specific table in one corner of the cafeteria with four other people and finds himself enjoying it too. These kids who, more often than not, love to steal food from each other’s plates without so much as asking for permission and just going for it. Brian actually appreciates having that kind of comfortable camaraderie, not having to worry too much if he did or said something wrong. He knows for sure that they’ll let him know when he does. Though it’s in a way that makes him feel like he’s being scolded by a parent, or that he’s being teasingly chided by siblings he never had, and there’s no in between. It genuinely helps as well that all of them really don’t seem to take themselves and each other too seriously. It’s reassuring.

Throat parched from having to recite something in History, Brian pulls his phone out of his pockets to shoot Jae a quick text as he’s walking towards the cafeteria.

_please tell me your water bottle is full. i feel so thirsty_

To Brian’s delight, the reply is almost instantaneous. 

**jae baby:**   
_oh actually, i won’t be able to have lunch with you guys today. student council duties._

Reading the text, he easily deflates. He’s in the middle of typing out a response when another one is sent his way.

 _i think wonpil has a spare water bottle in his locker. you can refill that at the caf  
_ _and for god sakes, bring your own water next time. please don’t make me repeat myself again_

This lifts Brian’s spirits a bit. Jae is just so sweet and caring. It’s like his friend always knows what to say and when to say it just to cheer him up without even being aware that he’s doing it. _I honestly don’t deserve him._

Opening the wide double doors to the cafeteria with his elbow, Brian doesn’t even look up as he replies to Jae’s text with a heart overflowing with affection. 

_Sir, yes, sir._ 😳  


He smiles to himself, awkwardly stalling on the empty space between the door and where the tables start spreading out in the main space as he waits for a response. But before his friend could even send one in, Brian gets a thought.

_btw, did you pack your lunch or do you need me to bring you something over there?_

Can’t have his favorite person getting hungry when he basically shares his water to Brian everyday. It’s the least he could do, he feels like.

 _i’m good, bribri. thank you.  
_ _gotta go now tho. meeting’s about to start_

A little giddy after the nickname, especially when Jae didn’t use it just to tease him this time around and is now seemingly getting used to calling him _Bribri_ when it’s just the two of them, Brian starts walking to their usual table again with the slightest bounce to his step, feeling warm and pleased.

Oh, he’s definitely a goner. No more doubts about that.

The other three have already started digging into their food when Brian claims his seat beside Sungjin. Seeing the cup full of orange juice in front of Dowoon, he wordlessly reaches for it to get a hearty gulp.

Dowoon merely gives him a funny look before gesturing for him to have the whole thing.

“Thank you.” Brian manages to say when he stops halfway from finishing it. 

“Did you run a marathon or something?” Sungjin nudges him on the side, generously sliding over to Brian his own cup of the same juice, one that must be the flavor that the cafeteria is selling for today. “Why are you so thirsty?”

“Had a long presentation in History earlier.” He explains before reaching into his bag to bring out a square container full of sushi, bought via drive through during their early morning drive to school. “Plus, I haven’t had water since this morning.”

Wonpil perks up. “Speaking of, where’s your waterboy?” 

The other two snicker quietly into their hands as Brian looks back in mild surprise.

_They noticed that?_

Continuing, Wonpil gives him a teasing look before addressing the rest of the table. “Why isn’t he here right now?”

“I haven’t seen Jae at all today.” Dowoon responds with a concerned frown. “Is he home sick?”

Wonpil shakes his head. “No, he’s definitely here. He was at Art class with me just an hour ago.”

Sungjin adds, “Yeah. He was almost late for English this morning though.”

“Oh, he texted me that he has a student council thing at lunch.” Brian informs them as he eats a piece of his food.

Sungjin gives him a sly look. “I didn’t know that you guys are each other’s representative.”

Brian lets out a sigh, fond but exasperated. _These guys really don’t miss anything._ He’s about to playfully brush off their implications but then a moment of clarity makes him pause. If they don’t miss anything, then, surely, they know. Right?

“Hey, guys. Um…” he starts with a tiny frown, hesitant. But with the release of his breath, he decides to just go for it. “What can you tell me about Jae’s father? Like, what’s his deal?”

To add to his growing suspicion, the other three share a significant look with each other. They’re silent for a few seconds, once again seeming as if they’re communicating between themselves. Brian only hopes that he’ll be able to reach the same level of understanding and closeness that these guys have with each other. But he doesn’t let himself get envious about it too much, he knows he’s getting there with them slowly but surely.

After another beat of silence, it’s Sungjin who decides to speak up. With a low voice and leaning closer towards Brian, he asks, “You _know_ , don’t you?”

Brian meets Wonpil’s and Dowoon’s looks of anticipation as well before returning his gaze back to Sungjin’s eyes shining with curiosity and something else he can’t name. Something that almost looks like relief.

“Yeah. He told me last Friday night.” 

Sungjin nods quickly, as if Brian had just confirmed something he already had an inkling about. “I guessed as much. Is that why you two were in his room?”

“Among other reasons.” Brian agrees, keeping his words vague and trying not to outwardly react as he also remembered what _almost_ happened in Jae’s room that night. 

It’s Wonpil who chooses to explain this time. “Well, Jae’s father works as a resource manager in a charitable organization, ironically, that helps build homes for displaced families if you can believe it. A lot is ‘up’,” he enunciates the word by quoting with his fingers, “with him and of what he demands from his son, but there are two main things that Jae often gets unfairly punished for. One, he demands for Jae to be the ‘perfect son’. This includes getting perfect grades, being the top of the class, and basically following the plan his father laid out for him—study at one of the Ivy Leagues, graduate with honors, and excel at a highly paying job. There’s _absolutely_ no room for mistakes, no shortcuts or detours. It’s always been _his_ way or none.

“And the other one is, I guess, sort of related to the first. In order for Jae to stay focused and achieve all of that, he’s by no means permitted to be distracted whatsoever. Which means Jae had to say goodbye to badminton and basketball. He’s never allowed to go outside the house which means we haven’t hung out with him outside of school for about three years now save for those sleepovers, and he’s never allowed to be in a relationship.” He pauses, giving Brian a meaningful look. “I’m pretty sure you know that Jae swings the other way, right?”

Brian confirms with a nod, hanging on to Wonpil’s words with undivided attention. 

He continues, “So, just imagine, if dating a girl is already a big no-no, what more when Jae finally sets his sights on a boy. Like right now.”

_They know about me and Jae._

Brian tries to school his features, resisting the urge to plainly gape at them. He was under the impression that he’s been discreet about it. Even when he realized the full extent of his feelings, the first person he made sure to know about them is Jae himself. Well, he didn’t specifically say the words per se, but the things he said and did in Jae’s room has been more than enough of a telling. Sharing how much Jae means to him, how much Jae makes him happy? He basically just said the words ‘I have feelings for you’ without actually saying it. He really thought he was doing a good job of hiding it from other people though. 

But then, if he gives it a bit of a thought, he realizes that it should’ve been obvious to the other three. _Of course_ they know. He has no doubt that they’ve known all along. Probably even before Brian admitted it to himself or to Jae. Aside from being Jae’s best friends, they also kept teasing the two of them together, always insinuating that there’s something more between them. Those jokes weren’t just baseless after all. They really don’t miss anything.

 _Oh God, what if they don’t like the idea of me and Jae being in a relationship? And what did he mean when he said Jae has finally set his eyes on someone?_

_Jae likes me too?_

Hope blooms in Brian’s chest, everything else almost seems like they’re inconsequential because of this. 

Deciding not to deny it, he thinks it’s no use anyway given that they already look like they’ve accepted it as a fact, Brian lets out a heavy breath before coming clean.

He gives them a pleading look, splaying his stubby hands on the table with his palms up in a helpless manner. “So then what can I do? And what am I not allowed to do? Please, I want to help Jae but I don’t know how. And I definitely don’t want to make things worse for him.”

“Simple. Do what we always do.” Sungjin says, patting him on the shoulder. Brian feels himself relax because of the friendly gesture. “You can comfort him if he ever comes to school with another bruise or distract him from his thoughts when he needs us to.”

Dowoon adds, leaning on the table to be heard, “What he doesn’t want is for us to pity him or even think about reporting it to the authorities. Basically, he just wants us to act normal around him. You know, just the usual. And even though it’s hard for us knowing that there’s nothing we can do to stop it, it _is_ still a thousand times harder for Jae who’s actually going through it. So the _least_ we can do is respect his wishes.”

Brian looks at the three of them individually for an ample amount of time, thinking. It’s sort of relieving to know it’s not just him feeling frustrated about the situation, but he’s humbled and impressed by their wise take on it. Because it’s true, in the end this is all about Jae—what he’s going through, and how he wants to deal with everything. Brian is starting to accept that whatever they think and feel is right for Jae doesn't necessarily mean that it leads to the best outcome. In fact, it might even retaliate badly to him. They can’t just do things in Jae’s best interest behind his back, that’s not how this works. As his friends, their main role is to just be there for him in any way, shape, or form that he needs them to be. 

Heaving a long sigh, Brian gives them a resolute nod. He’s grateful that they made him feel some kind of resolve in all of this. And that they made him realize that he’s not exactly doing nothing. Listening to Jae’s wishes and being there for him, sometimes that’s more than enough.

So essentially, now that that’s sorted out, he just directs the conversation to something safer, one that they don’t have to worry too much about being overheard by an overzealous faculty member or a caring student that would immediately report it to a guidance counselor. 

It’s a thought that has latched onto his mind and wouldn’t let go ever since he heard Wonpil speak of it a few minutes ago.

“Where did you guys get the idea from, by the way? About us potentially liking each other, I mean.”

He tries not to sound too eager to know, even though that’s what he’s absolutely feeling deep inside.

“Because of how open and trusting he is with you. And as for you?” Sungjin scoffs, teasing. “You were being _so_ obvious, Kang.”

Brian tilts his head at him, shocked and flustered.

“Dude, you changed your hair for him.” Dowoon reminds him with a quirk of his brow. “And when Wonpil described to me the way you smiled when Jae basically attacked you the first time he saw it? You’re more whipped than whipped cream, buddy.” He finishes in a deadpan voice, looking as if he was easily stating a fact and not just sharing his observation. 

Brian’s face heats up, looking down at himself in embarrassment. He hears the sound of muffled laughter.

“Can’t believe you said it out loud!” Wonpil gawks at their youngest, fully letting his amusement affect his tone.

“Someone has to.” Dowoon states before casually downing the rest of the orange juice, eyes shining with mirth as Brian meets his gaze. 

He gets the strong urge to smack his friend in the head a few times. You know, in a friendly and absolutely loving kind of way, if such a thing even exists.

“And, um,” Brian starts, feeling a bit hesitant as he chose to ignore the looks they’ve been throwing his way. They already caught him red-handed—or rather, with red cheeks and blushing ears. He’s not going to give them the satisfaction of floundering and pointlessly denying it as well. “Then, what do you think I should do? Should I go talk to him or is it a bad idea waiting to happen? Also,” he pauses, swallowing and gathering his nerves, “do you guys even like the idea of me pursuing Jae?”

In response, the other three give him a collective look of incredulity, and tinged a little with taking offense. He doesn’t know whether to feel relieved by that or get even more nervous. They already know he likes Jae, of course it’s no longer a surprise that _this_ is the next step that he’s planning to do—confessing and then hopefully getting together with him. So, he doesn’t understand why they would react like this.

He waits with bated breath as Sungjin seems like he’s gearing up for a heartwarming speech. Or maybe a lecture. Honestly, Brian can’t tell which is which with him sometimes.

“I mean,” Sungjin begins, “you obviously care for him and he so clearly cares for you too. After all the things Jae has been through, we honestly believe that you, or a relationship with you is what he needs right now. You’re a good reminder to him that not everything revolves around obeying his father, and that he’s always allowed to smile, laugh, and be happy.”

“Thanks, guys.” Though still every bit flustered, Brian meets each of their gazes, feeling the best kind of overwhelmed and grateful.

“Yeah, how dare you think we’d be against it? Haven’t we been supportive enough?” Wonpil gives him a playfully wounded look, but Brian can tell the underlying truth behind it. “I, _specifically_ , have been pushing him towards you for weeks now! Don’t tell me you didn’t notice all of that.”

“I’m sorry, Pil.” He chuckles to himself, a little deprecating. “To be fair though, I thought I was being discreet when, according to all of you, I was so goddamn obvious.”

Wonpil fondly shakes his head. “Well, I know that Jae won’t outright say it, but I think he’s noticed too. This should make it easy for you to confess.”

Encouraged by their support, Brian is even more motivated to tell Jae exactly how he feels about him now. He’s trying not to get ahead of himself because of how elated and relieved he is after they basically hinted that Jae likes him back. He needs to contain himself or else he’ll pretty much tackle Jae into a bone crushing hug as soon as they’re alone. Or, you know, pick up where he left off and finally kiss those beautiful lips.

But when the afternoon rolls around, the usual time for their project meetups, Jae has once again told him that he’s busy with his student council duties; something about organizing an exhibition game for the soccer team. He just ran to their usual table by the library to personally share Brian the news that he won’t be available in the afternoons for two days straight before heading back out again. After making plans to just exchange emails about finishing their current progress report that’s due soon, Brian decides to press pause on his plans involving Jae.

However, as they were already deep into their email exchanges later that night, joking around and sharing stories about each other like usual, when Brian tries to steer the conversation back to that night in Jae’s room and asks when they can finally have that talk, his face crumples in a frown after reading Jae’s response.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
I don’t know, Bri. Should we?

Heart pounding loudly in his chest, Brian quickly replies.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
What do you mean?

It takes about ten minutes before his laptop alerts him of a new mail.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Never mind. Sure, let’s talk the next few days or whenever the both of us are free.

Brian doesn’t feel good about the vagueness of his answer. And before he’s about to ask for more details about it, some concrete date or clarification, Jae sends in another.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Anyways, time to hit the hay for me.  
Good night, Bribri.

Checking the clock on his computer screen, he sees that it’s only nine in the evening. He knows there’s still an hour left before Jae is expected to be in bed and it’s time for lights out in the Park residence. 

Anxiety and doubt start creeping up in his chest at the subtle brush off. He gets the urge to reply that _no, it’s not a good night yet_ to Jae and maybe to ask what he meant with that kind of non-answer answer. Without even looking, his fingers have already formulated the sentence on the screen. But before he lets his worries swallow him whole, he reminds himself of a few things to calm down. Jae still didn’t outright say no to anything. His friend has been running errands and getting teachers to sign papers for the student council recently, he really must’ve been too busy to talk at the moment. And that night in the other’s room, after they almost kissed, Jae assured him that they’re _good_.

Brian’s heartbeat starts to slow down again. He’s in no hurry to confess. If Jae said they’d talk soon, then he has no doubt they will. 

But then three days later and Brian still hasn't found the perfect opportunity to get Jae alone. In the mornings before English class, all five of them are always sitting around Jae’s and Brian’s desks in the classroom. During lunch, Jae hasn’t missed it again but everyone else is always there too. And as for their after school meetups, Jae kept insisting that they play badminton by the courtyard together. 

Whenever Brian tries to talk about their almost kiss and what it might or might not mean for their friendship, Jae constantly evades him every time he steers their conversation to anywhere remotely close to that. He’s not exactly avoiding Brian and on the surface, they actually seem okay, the best of friends like always. But it’s just, whenever Jae might feel the conversation turning anywhere outside the friendly territory, he retreats every single time. Either deflecting or blatantly changing the topic altogether.

This time, even without hearing the exact words, the sting of rejection is as unmistakable as ever.

At night, him and Jae have been emailing each other like always but right now, he suddenly doesn’t know how to act. Sure, he still jokes often but whenever he instinctively says something flirty, even without the intention to actually hint on his feelings, it seems that Jae takes a bit longer to respond. As if _he’s_ overthinking it too. Yes, they’re still as close and friendly as ever, but it’s looking clearly to Brian that that’s all Jae wants them to be. And now, he’s stuck in this in-between of wanting to make sure that he’s not just being pessimistic about the situation, and wanting to just leave himself guessing in case Jae doesn’t feel the same after all, contrary to what Brian has been hoping for based on what their friends believe. 

“Did you and Jae get into a fight or something?”

The sound of his father’s voice snapped him from his thoughts. They’re currently in the car on their way home from school. It’s Friday afternoon and once again, the five of them played badminton out in the courtyard until they’re all sweaty and tired. He’s sitting on the passenger seat, looking and overanalyzing their latest email exchanges from the past three days. 

Brian watches as his dad gives him an expectant look.

“No. Why do you think that?”

Mr. Kang shrugs. “It’s just, you’ve been frowning at your phone for a few days now. When just before, you were all smiles and always busy tapping into it nonstop.”

Brian looks away in an instant, feeling caught. _God, have I always been that obvious?_

“So,” his father prompts again after Brian got quiet, “did you?”

The turmoil of his thoughts caused by all of the anxiety and doubt that he’s been feeling the past few days led Brian to actually consider confiding in his father. At first, he had wanted to ask Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon for advice after he realized that Jae might have been avoiding their talk. But then he quickly changed his mind for the sole reason that they’d already revealed Jae’s liking to him. He can’t just keep relying on them to butter up his courage and keep building his confidence for him. He needs to do that by himself.

But then, there’s his father who’s basically offering an ear to listen. And his potential take on the situation will definitely be fresh given that he doesn’t fully know the factors involved. For him, it’ll just be about his son wanting to confess to his friend who may or may not return those certain feelings. You know, just some on-the-surface type of information. So he’s really tempted to know what he’ll say.

A few blocks pass on the outside with Brian mulling it through over and over. And it’s only when they stop at a red light about a minute later does he finally come to a decision.

 _Fuck it._

Brian crumbles to the need of seeking advice from his father. However, he still made a conscious decision to leave out the part about Jae’s father. Again, not his secret to tell and knowing his dad, he’ll probably try to take matters into his own hands by being a responsible and concerned adult and reporting it to his college buddy in their town’s precinct. No, it’s too risky. Mr. Kang doesn’t need to know.

If Jae asked him not to do anything for now, then he’ll definitely honor that. Even if it pains him to know that Jae isn’t safe in his own home. He just needs to trust that if—when—Jae needs help, he won’t hesitate to ask. He needs to believe that Jae can handle himself.

“Dad, I’m- I, I like Jae.” He stammers, surprised that this is the first time he actually said the words out loud. It feels freeing, somehow. “And the guys tell me that Jae likes me too. Or not.” He amends, nerves driving him to start rambling. “Well, he _might_ like me too. I mean, I did kind of notice it too and we did almost kiss but I’m not- I don’t want to get too ahead and give myself false hopes. Because lately, every time I try to talk to him about it, it’s like he’s avoiding me. No, wait. Not _me_ , specifically. It’s like he’s afraid to talk about it with me and I don’t know _why_. What should I do?” He finishes in a huff of breath, subconsciously giving his father a pleading look. 

There. He said it. It’s not the idea that Jae is avoiding that talk so badly that’s been bothering Brian. It’s his observation that Jae seems hesitant to even consider it, like he’s afraid of the very thing that Brian will confess to him. Just the other day, when he leaned closer to his friend while they were sitting alone on the bench, watching Wonpil and Dowoon play badminton as Sungjin took on the referee role, he’ll never forget the way Jae couldn’t seem to meet his eyes. 

Mr. Kang looks contemplative, taking a second to consider his words before saying, “Maybe he’s not exactly afraid of you and your feelings for each other,” he tries to assure his son. “Maybe he’s just worried about everything that involves being in a relationship.”

Brian frowns. “What do you mean?”

“Has Jae ever been in a relationship before?” 

“Not that I know of.”

His father hums, thinking. “This is just my guess but perhaps, he thinks he’s inexperienced and therefore, he’s worried that he’ll make a mistake, one that’s big enough that the two of you can’t fix down the road.” Mr. Kang pauses, getting a far away look in his eyes as he shares, “Back when I first met your mother, it was the first day of freshman year in high school. My parents had just sent me to study abroad all through high school and college so I was this little awkward new student in a place where the kids already knew each other practically since preschool.” 

Brian already knew all of this. That his parents were basically high school sweethearts and have been with each other pretty much more than half their lives. Well, that’s certainly the case for his mother at least. But since he can’t remember the last time his father talked about his mother like this—light-hearted, reminiscent, and the sadness in his tone and in the air no longer suffocating—he doesn’t dare speak to interrupt him.

“Right then on the first day, since I was still working on my English and new to the country, I accidentally walked into the girls’ bathroom. The janitor caught me but luckily, your mom was there to help me get out of trouble.” Mr. Kang lets out a chuckle at the memory, eyes shining with so much endearment and devotion. And his voice held a tone of reverence. Brian’s ears perk up this time. He didn’t know this specific part about his parents’ love story. “She got out from one of the stalls and lied to the janitor. She said that I heard her calling for help from the hallway and that she asked me to get her the pack of tampons she forgot to bring from her locker. We got away with it in the end. And I’ve had the biggest crush on her ever since. But I only told her until the end of freshman year.”

“Why?” Brian was too caught up on savoring the new story about his mother that he failed to notice how quiet and careful his voice had gotten.

Mr. Kang shrugs. “Because I got scared. I was too afraid to screw it up. I didn’t know if I’d be able to make her happy, be the person that she needs, and give her the things she wants. I was a bit melodramatic back then.” He glances at Brian, flashing him a self-deprecating smile.

“So then, how did you get over it? Being afraid.”

Mr. Kang’s smile turns wistful, looking clearly that his mind took him back to a brilliant memory. “She kept teasing me and nudging me in the right direction. No matter how many times I shied away, she was always there to reassure me and remind me why I had feelings for her in the first place.” He goes quiet for a bit before giving his son a meaningful look. “Brian, you need to let Jae know that it’s okay to take a chance. That one of the best things about making a mistake is the lessons you get to learn from them. Be patient, just keep doing what you’re doing and in no time, he’ll meet you in the middle when he’s ready.”

“You really think he will?” The hope in Brian’s voice is unmistakable.

“Of course, I do.” Mr. Kang assures him. “I know how cute, lovable, and amazing my son is. I’m pretty sure Jae has long realized that too.”

Something warm and fuzzy settles deep in Brian’s heart, spreading through the rest of him at an alarming rate. He gazes back at his father’s profile, the sudden urge to give him a hug is almost too irresistible. They used to be a really affectionate family, but now, he has no idea how to bring that back. When was the last time his father told him what he thinks of him? Gave him positive affirmations just for the sole reason that he wanted to? The last time it was so easy and almost instinctual to give each other a hug?

But as he’s looking at his father now, as if under a new light, Brian can’t help but believe that they’ll get there again eventually. They basically have no choice. They only have each other after all.

Brian gathers enough courage to say, “Thanks, Dad.” He lets his appreciation be freely known.

Mr. Kang whips his head to his son, surprised. “You—” his voice breaks a little. Clearing his throat, he tries again, “You’re welcome, Brian.”

They meet each other’s gaze for a bit before looking away. The air inside the car feels awkward but it’s not the stifling kind. It actually feels nice. The kind of awkwardness wherein unspoken words hang in the air, both too shy to say them but they also understand that those words do exist.

He’s been so caught up in their conversation that he doesn’t realize they’ve already reached their driveway. His eyebrows jump a little in surprise to see that there’s a small light blue van parked along the cul de sac in front of their house.

“Dad, what’s this?” He asks as his father puts the car in park just outside the side garage.

“Oh, they’re the professional cleaners I hired, the one I told you about at the beginning of the week.” Mr. Kang informs him. Turning off the ignition, he frowns as the workers carrying boxes move in and out of their front door. “They’re not done yet?” He mumbles to himself before getting off.

Now that the tender moment has passed, Brian makes a move to reach for his bag on the backseat. But in doing so, he catches sight of one of the boxes being carried by a female pro cleaner—specifically, what was inside of it.

Something cold and haunting settles into his gut, making his insides feel frozen. His vision tunnels as he abandons whatever it is he was doing and thinking at the moment. All in the span of a few seconds, he gets off the car, walks into their front door, and practically runs up the stairs with a pounding heart.

_No, no, no. It can’t be._

_Dad wouldn’t do this to me._

But true enough, and much to his heartbreak, as soon as he reaches the second floor landing, he sees the door to his mother’s library left ajar. And inside the room that was once his mother’s sanctuary, there’s pretty much nothing left of her belongings.

All of a sudden, Brian feels lost and helpless. His knees came so close to giving out on him. As if the very ground he’s been walking on had just been ripped out from under his feet and he’s falling through a deep and dark chasm. There are so many things happening around him that he doesn’t know what to focus on. The cleaners are still going in and out of the room, making it feel less familiar with each passing second. His father, confused about why Brian stormed up the stairs the way that he did, stops short just behind him when he realizes what his son is staring at, unmoving. 

The room is completely cleaned out and empty and he didn’t even get a chance to take a good long look before it happened. His mom’s variety of books, from the classic ones by Jane Austen to her guilty pleasure ones that are about handsome men riding in horses, which are now stacked away in boxes, most probably off to their storage unit located out of town. Locked away and will be forgotten soon as if they didn’t belong to the person who was once the heart of their home. 

Even her favorite pair of scissors and crafting materials are no longer where they were supposed to be. And her plush maroon chaise with gold studs that she preferred to lounge on when she was having an especially bad day due to her illness has been replaced by a sleek brown leather loveseat, completely brand new and impersonal. Even the light pink rug that Brian once spilled his iced tea on one corner has been ripped out to reveal the polished floor boards. This is _not_ his mom’s favorite room. 

He thought he and his father had an unspoken agreement. That this is their way of trying to keep his mother’s memory alive and never forgotten. That even though neither of them can bear to stay in there for too long without shedding a tear, the thought of this being gone is so much more unbearable to even think of. For the last four years, whenever they would borrow a book from here, they’d made sure to return it where it belongs. Not one thing has been misplaced, lost, or broken. They took turns cleaning it themselves; it never became part of their housekeeper’s list of tasks, and they never entertained the idea of a stranger touching any of these.

It’s not just about his mom’s library being gone. There’s also the fact that his father didn’t even consider trying to warn him about it. So that he might’ve emotionally and mentally prepared himself or something. 

_Or maybe, there’s a reason he didn’t tell me on purpose._

He turns back to give his father a withering glare.

“Did you get this room cleaned out for Stella?” His voice is barely restrained, laced with an underlying threat.

If his father says yes, if he sends even the littlest hint that he agrees, Brian will genuinely consider moving out of this house as soon as possible.

To his surprise, however, his father rears back as if struck. “Of course not! We were— I actually told her that maybe it’s a good idea to take a break from each other.” Now this is news to Brian. But even then, this sliver of good news holds nothing compared to how betrayed he still feels. His father continues, “No, I did this for me. This is my own way of trying to let go of your mother. The proper and healthy way this time.”

Brian scoffs, haughty and unamused. Around them, all the workers have gone incredibly quiet and continued doing their job with their heads bowed, trying to give them some privacy. Brian’s anger flares upon seeing them too even though he knows that they’re just doing what they’re paid for. The devastation and betrayal he’s feeling leaves no room for common sense to kick in. For him, these people being here are nothing but just another painful reminder that his father was planning all of this behind his back. 

Mr. Kang throws his hands up in a surrender. “I don’t understand why you’re reacting like this. Can’t you at least be proud of me?”

In hindsight, Brian actually wants to feel proud and happy that his father chose to deal with his grief instead of running away from it like he did the first time—throwing himself at work, and finding a girlfriend that he married all in under three months. He wishes his father had done it sooner to save the two of them all of that animosity and clipped conversations but the way he’s doing it now feels like he’s putting his own son as collateral damage.

Because, once again, it feels like his father is leaving him behind. That he didn’t think to include Brian in this, as if his own son hasn’t been grieving with him the whole time too. As if he genuinely had no idea and didn’t stop to consider what Brian might feel about this. It’s like, every time Brian thinks that his father is slowly working his way to gain his trust, he does things like this that ruins all of that and more.

“So what, do you want me to give you a star or something?” Brian’s voice rings true with hostility. His father has hurt him yet again even after all of the progress they’ve had the past two months. As he glares at his father, Brian wants nothing more than to hurt him back. “Tell you that you did a good fucking job for doing something you should’ve done four years ago? Moving on the proper and healthy way, yeah right. As if you know what that is.”

Mr. Kang runs a hand through his hair in frustration. Brian delights in it. “You know what, this attitude of yours is getting old. I already tried playing nice and understanding things from your perspective. I even gave you back your car! What more do you want from me?”

_Does he not know me at all?_

Brian takes a step closer, hoping to return all the pain and hurt he’s been feeling by tenfold. “I wasn’t _playing nice_ with you just for the sake of getting my car back! I just wanted you to keep paying attention to me, enough to see that I’m actually trying to be better. In case you haven’t realized, I miss mom. Fuck, I even miss _you_. The _you_ that cared for me above everything else before all these shitty things happened. So I’m sorry if this ‘attitude of mine’ has been bothering you. I hope you’ve cared enough to notice though that it’s probably my only defense mechanism in order not to fall apart.”

His father looks surprised at that. His hand hangs in the space between them, wanting to reach out but afraid of how it’ll be received. 

“Brian…”

That does it. The final straw. Brian can’t even begin to describe how much he loathes hearing his father call him by that name especially now. How much he longs to hear his father call him Younghyun again. He’s still the same Younghyun that loved to watch basketball games with him on the television. He still doesn’t know why in the world he suddenly became Brian to his own father. He’s always been Brian to everyone else but never to his parents. 

What changed in his father’s eyes? Does he not know how isolating it feels to go from being called “Younghyunie,” or “Youngie” to simply being Brian all in a span of a day? 

After his mother died, it’s almost like his father believes she took little Younghyunie with her.

Mr. Kang reaches a hand out again as if wanting to comfort him but has no idea how. “Son, oh God. I don’t know what else to say other than I’m sorry.”

“Then don’t say anything at all.” Brian coldly dismisses before making a run for his room just as his eyes start welling up. And he makes sure to slam the door shut as he does, locking it for good measure.

  
  


***

  
  


For the entire weekend, he doesn’t get out of his room. Their housekeeper leaves his meals by the door and comes back to pick up the dishes about an hour later. But since she always gets home after five in the afternoon, Brian chose to skip both dinners. He ignored the take-outs his father leaves by his door, food he ordered from Brian’s favorite fast food restaurant and sushi place. It’s no use. Brian is no longer easily deterred by food and small acts like this. He left a crack on his walls for his father to slink through and he got hurt. He’s not going to make the same mistake twice.

_One of the best things about making a mistake is the lessons you get to learn from them._

All he did was sleep and eat. He would turn on the tv in his room but there’s nothing there worth capturing his attention so he either turns it off or leaves it running as background noise. He doesn’t pick up his laptop or phone, wanting to be completely detached from the rest of the world. He doesn’t do anything else but lay in his bed and stare at the ceiling. He doesn’t permit himself to think about what happened either, saving those thoughts for the evening instead. Because on both nights, he cried himself to sleep, making sure to hide his sobs with his pillows. He doesn’t want his father to know how much he has hurt him with what he’s done. Just when they were having so much progress with each other, he decided to do this. Brian feels like he’s been neglected all over again. 

_He’s properly moving on now? Then why didn’t he include me in it?_

Some might argue that four years is more than enough time to get over the passing of a loved one. But if, through it all, there hasn’t been much progress achieved or not even an attempt to move on has been done, then it might as well seem like no time has passed at all. You get emotionally stagnant because of grief. No one should romanticize it; there’s no hidden beauty or meaning to be found in it. People experience it differently and therefore, people also have vastly different ways of healing. They say that the first step is to want to move on. And Brian completely agrees. The only problem is that he doesn’t know how to do so. Sure, it doesn’t hinder him from functioning properly in his day-to-day life, but it would certainly help to be free of this gut-wrenching sadness any time soon.

When Monday morning rolls in, he doesn’t have it in him to get out of the bed. He ignores his father’s reluctant knocks on his door. Or his concerned voice when he reminds Brian it’s time to leave now or else he’ll get late for his first period.

And so, he misses a day of school for the first time in his senior year. Even though he still has a month and a half left of slaving away in the afternoons, he doesn’t care about it for the time being. His father must’ve made an excuse for him anyway. Probably calling in to the administration office or to Brian’s homeroom teacher to explain that he’s sick or something. Whatever lie he told, it must’ve been convincing because Brian’s juvenile probation officer didn’t come knocking on their front door, demanding to know why he missed a day of community service.

However, someone else did come knocking at his bedroom door at four in the afternoon.

“Go away.” Was his immediate response, thinking that his father must’ve gotten off work early just to bother him again.

Oh, how wrong he was.

“Brian, it’s me.”

He immediately sits up in bed, surprised and a little disbelieving to hear Jae’s voice.

“Bri, please let me in.” 

Okay, he definitely heard that. Couldn’t have imagined it no matter how hard he tried.

Without sparing another thought, he quickly gets out of bed. His heart starts beating fast as soon as he opens the door to Jae standing on the other side of it. 

He notices the way his friend let out a sigh of relief upon seeing him. Wearing acid washed jeans with a few rips on the knees, a plain black shirt, and a loose gray plaid over it, he looks like the walking definition of cute and sexy. The idea that Brian is still as taken by him as ever reiterates itself in his head.

He has half a mind to remember that the last time he showered was yesterday morning. And as he looks down to himself, he’s made painfully aware that he’s wearing nothing other than a big white shirt and bright red boxer shorts.

And in meeting Jae’s gaze again, he sees the realization of his state dawn on his friend too as he takes in Brian’s appearance. 

Heat paints his cheeks crimson, a shade that almost rivals that of his underwear. 

Clearing his throat, he tries to divert their attention into something else. 

“What are you doing here?”

“I caught your housekeeper about to lock up before she goes home for the day. She let me in.” Jae shares, scratching the back of his head a little sheepishly. 

With a nod, Brian invites him into his room. For once, he doesn’t worry about the mess. He hasn’t done much the past three days anyway for there to be a big and actual mess, but he wasn’t exactly expecting a guest either. Well, at least Jae is seeing an unfiltered side of him so there’s that. Some sort of a silver lining, he supposes.

Jae takes a seat on Brian’s desk as he himself returns to the bed. 

They don’t speak right away, just staring at each other. Waiting.

This time, it’s Jae who breaks the silence.

“I was worried about you.” 

Brian breaks away from his gaze, choosing instead to look down to his lap.

Jae continues. “The guys were worried about you too. Apparently, you weren’t answering any of our texts? We thought something bad happened with your probation or something.” Brian glances back to see Jae looking at him imploringly. “You haven’t replied to any of my emails all weekend too. I even tried calling but you never picked up.”

“I’m sorry.” He sighs, deflating.

“What happened?”

He opens his mouth to answer, but then words begin to fail him. He can’t. It still hurts too much to even talk about it. He’s not ready to tell Jae what happened yet. 

He starts to feel guilty for it. After all, Jae entrusted him with the secret about the physical abuse he gets from his father. Why can’t he return the favor and talk about what his own dad did to break his trust? But then, he figures, at least for now, he deserves to keep it to himself. He’ll tell Jae when he can.

“I just wasn’t feeling well the whole weekend.” Not a complete lie, but it’s not the whole truth either. “I’m better now but decided to skip today just in case.”

Jae studies him for a bit, almost looking like he knows there’s more to it than he lets on. But since he isn’t outright saying what it is, Jae seems to let it go.

Brian doesn’t know whether to feel relieved or a little disappointed his friend didn’t push him.

“What about your community service then?” Jae asks instead.

“I’ll probably spend a couple of lunch periods this week making up for it.”

Jae merely nods in response, growing silent as his eyes wander around the room. Brian follows the line of his gaze. From the few rock band posters on the wall behind his bed—All Time Low, Fall Out Boy, and OneRepublic—to their family picture on one of his two nightstands taken when he was seven, the MCU action figures on his television stand, and to the open double doors of his closet, revealing that majority of his clothes are dark colored save for a few plain white shirts. He searches for a reaction as Jae takes it all in. And he’s pleased to see that there’s a hint of a smile on the latter’s face as his eyes come to rest back on Brian sitting cross legged on the bed.

“I’m kind of surprised your room doesn’t look as messy as I thought it’d be.”

Brian puts on a small smile of his own. “Sorry to disappoint. Are you suggesting that we should make a mess or something?”

Jae lets out a chuckle. “You know, Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon wanted to come along too but I stopped them.”

“Why?”

“Well, you wanted us to talk alone, right?”

Brian starts to feel nervous. He clearly wasn’t expecting this. His heart hasn’t been beating normally ever since Jae stepped into his room and now he’s saying things like this. Does Jae plan to give him a heart attack?

“But I thought you’ve been avoiding that.” His tone is careful and a tiny bit worried. “I figured you were scared to continue that conversation.”

“I was.” Jae admits, looking down to his fidgeting hands before meeting Brian’s eyes again. “I kind of still am.”

“So then what changed?” He tilts his head in questioning. 

Jae breathes out first, his shoulders relaxing with it, before he tells him, “I realized I was being unfair to you. You’ve already given me so much, you taught me how to ride a bike, you made an effort to get to know my best friends, and you’re nice to my mom. I told myself that since it’s _you_ , there’s nothing to worry about.”

“Oh, Jae.” Brian melts at his words. “Can you get over here please?” He pats the empty space to his right on the bed.

Jae lets out a sigh, partway in between exasperation and fondness. Nonetheless, he takes the invitation. He sits beside him with his back resting on the headboard and his long legs crossed at the ankles. Brian notices the way Jae openly and quite teasingly eyed his boxers, chuckling a bit when Brian reaches out to swat him on the arm in retaliation.

“What were you worried about?” He asks as soon as the humor dies down.

Jae purses his lips, seeming to consider something before he comes to a hard decision. With the release of a heavy breath, he starts, “You know how you used to say to me that I’m a good person? That I’m always too nice?” Brian nods. “Well, I honestly don’t think that I am. I can’t even tell you how many times I imagined physically hurting my father back, how much I prayed for him to be gone from our lives. I genuinely and absolutely _loathe_ him. With everything I have. If he gets robbed or mobbed at a dark alley right now, I’d be glad. I’d probably even laugh to his face and I most definitely won’t regret it. However, what I am afraid of is that, if I let you get any closer to me than you already are, you’ll start seeing me the way I see myself. And that you’ll end up hating me for it.”

Brian reaches with both hands to cup Jae’s face, holding him in the most delicate way possible, eyes holding a hint of reverence. One of his thumbs moves to caress the apple of his cheek. He watches with undivided attention as Jae leans into his touch, eyes falling shut for a second as if he’s savoring it. 

When their eyes meet again, he makes sure to let Jae see the utter sincerity in his own. “Jae, when I said that you’re a good guy, I didn’t mean that I believe you’re incapable of feeling anger and hatred, that you’re incapable of thinking such things. I think you are good _because_ of those things, especially in the way you handle them. I’m amazed at how you’re still capable of so much brightness _despite_ everything. Given the things you’ve been through, you’re still the way that you are right now, sitting in front of me and bravely baring your darkest thoughts to me. Above all that’s happened, you still love and care for people deeply—your mom, our friends, and even me. 

“No matter how new it is, our friendship is not fragile—or, whatever it is that we have since it feels inadequate to just call it that sometimes. My feelings for you are not fragile. I’ll never see you with a broken set of eyes, Jae. What do you need me to do to make you believe that?”

“Nothing.” 

Brian sucks in a breath, his entire body stilling as he’s afraid that this might just be the beginnings of a rejection. That even after all those things he said, Jae has already made up his mind. And it’s not in his favor.

Fortunately for his sanity, Jae must’ve seen the look on his face right away because he’s quick to add, “You don’t need to do anything for me, Bri. Sorry it took me a while but thankfully, I finally realized all of the things you said when you weren’t answering any of my emails for the last two days and a half. I can’t even begin to describe how much I missed you. Turns out, your silence reminded me how much I enjoy talking to you, and basically being with you. And, I can’t believe I’m even saying this but, I kind of miss your flirty remarks and annoying pet names too.”

Hope once again blooms in his chest. “Really?”

“Really.”

To add to his words, Jae tilts his head the slightest bit sideways to place a chaste kiss on one of Brian’s palms. Brian’s heart starts racing as warmth spreads through him at lightning speed. The touch of his lips is the softest he’s ever felt. God, he longs to feel them on his mouth.

“Jae, I need to hear it.” He pleads, his voice merely above a whisper.

“Hear what?”

Slowly, he removes his hands from holding Jae’s face, choosing instead to intertwine their fingers together. He gazes at Jae with so much hope, raw and unhidden, as he finally says the thing he’s been meaning to say ever since he admitted it to himself. 

“I know we’ve only known each other for almost three months but that’s more than enough for me to fall in love with you.” He feels Jae’s grip tighten, encouraging him. “Is it safe to assume that you feel that way for me too?”

Jae’s eyes flit between his for a second as he waits with bated breath. This is it. The moment he’s been waiting for. He’ll finally know whether or not the other guys were right about Jae’s feelings for him, and he’ll know for sure if he hadn’t been getting false hopes all along.

“Brian, I thought I already made it painfully obvious when I asked you to sleep with me in my own bed.” Jae lets out a chuckle. “Of course I’m in love with you, you idiot.”

Brian’s body sags with relief while his heart soars in elation. A surge of affection floods his chest as he throws his arms around Jae’s neck, pulling him into a bone-crushing embrace. He can practically feel Jae’s giggles against his chest and on one of his shoulders where the other perched his chin. He didn’t even register when he started laughing too.

“You really are?” He asks eagerly as soon as they pull away. Not because he’s in disbelief but merely because he wanted to hear it again. 

Jae sighs, feigning exasperation but his eyes betray him with the way he’s basically shining with tenderness. Everything about him reflects the love and adoration that Brian’s been throwing his way.

“I really, really am.” He replies, making Brian’s heart skip a beat by leaning in to press a quick kiss on his cheek. His laugh rings out, melodious and bright, at the surprised look Brian greets him. _That tease!_

He shakes out of his daze, deciding to tease the other back and slipping into, as Jae admitted a while ago, their favored way of communicating: by playfully flirting. “Could’ve fooled me. You leaned away when I was about to kiss you that one time.”

Sneakily, he runs a finger along one of Jae’s arms, keeping the touch soothing but light enough to cause goosebumps to rise along its path.

Jae traces the movement with his eyes, breaking away from the intensity of his gaze. 

“Cut me some slack. You’re going to be my first real kiss, you know. I was nervous as hell, okay. But you can, um,” a pause. And a clearing of the throat. “We can go for it now again. I mean, if you like.”

Brian’s heart doubles in size.

“I don’t know…” he trails off, his voice suddenly in a whisper, low and quiet. “I kind of want to make you work for it now. My lips aren’t cheap.”

Jae lets out a tiny noise of complaint. “Oh just shut up and come here.”

And with that, he bravely leans closer to give Brian a soft kiss. It takes a second for Brian to realize what’s happening, barely registering the feel of the other’s glasses slightly knocking against his brows before his eyes fall shut as well. He breathes into it, melting under the touch. 

It’s everything he’s ever hoped for and still a whole lot more. It’s familiar but not at all. It feels like waking up but at the same time, it’s so surreal that he wonders if this is all a dream. And it’s like every nerve in his body is on fire and yet all he wants is to drown in this kiss.

They start shy at first. And as he gets his bearings and begins kissing back, Jae seems as if he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Brian felt his hands fidgeting in the space between them. Gently, slowly, he guides them to the back of his neck, urging Jae’s fingers to hold him, to claim him. He keens from the way the other easily understood what he wanted, moving his hands to grip the strands of his hair. 

Encouraged, Brian moves to slot their lips together, going from an innocent touch to a slightly more heated one. He’s softly coaxing Jae to relax; telling him to just instinctively go for it. Though in the midst of directing all of his attention to worshipping those plump lips, he’s also mindful not to go overboard, testing the waters to see how much and how far Jae’s willing to go. 

That being said, he tilts his head the tiniest bit, permitting their kiss to go deeper. A low and deep sound comes from Jae’s throat as a result. He takes that as a positive response.

One of his hands seductively runs over the sharp line of Jae’s collarbones, tracing them for a bit before coming to his chest and pausing to feel the rapid beating of his heart. A complete echo to his own. With his free hand, he cups the side of Jae’s face, caressing him while keeping him close. He feels Jae sigh into the kiss, subconsciously baring himself even more.

Even though he’s letting Brian take the lead, Jae’s always been such a quick learner. Brian’s heart somersaults as the other travels one of his hands down to the side of his neck before stopping on his chest. He mimics the way Brian did it, placing his palm to feel his heart beat. But unlike Brian, he takes it a step further as if experimenting, trying things out on his own. His hand shakes a little as it slips lower, over Brian’s ribs and slows down as he reaches Brian’s stomach before finally, claiming a spot on his waist.

Hot desire flames in his gut and spreads throughout his body from all of Jae’s touches. He wants to drown in his kisses. Now that the moment he’s been praying for has finally happened, it’s getting harder and harder to control himself from devouring him. The feel of Jae’s legs flushed against his bare thighs do nothing to help him. And the ever constant reminder that Jae is in _his_ bed making these soft breathy sounds from the back of his throat adds an electrifying feel to the already thick tension in the room. He wants nothing but to stay like this forever, Jae’s mouth on him, strong hands holding him close, and the softest sounds of their kiss almost drowning out the roaring rush of exhilaration in his heart. 

Before he gets ahead of himself, he gently pulls away and breaks the kiss. Jae’s eyes take another second to blink open before his face breaks into a slow smile. Almost automatically, Brian reaches up to adjust his glasses that have gone askew in the middle of all of _that_. 

Chuckling lightly, Jae rests their foreheads together. Brian doesn’t stop himself from nuzzling their noses. Jae’s hands stay where they are, on Brian’s hair and on his waist. In his giddiness, he drums his fingers against his skin. Sparks of electricity and excitement travel all over Brian’s body, reigniting the desire that he oh, so carefully tried to rein in just seconds ago.

“God, you’ll be the death of me.” His voice is breathy and restrained. He can easily feel Jae’s breaths on his lips and their proximity is so intoxicating that he’s so close to losing it.

The other slightly pulls away to give him a look. Brian wants to remember this forever; Jae’s dark eyes half-lidded yet shining bright, his cheeks painted the most beautiful shade of crimson, and his lips glinting with the not-so-subtle moistness on them. Just the sight of them is almost enough for him to crumble again.

“So _that’s_ what I was trying to avoid the past week?” Jae giggles so cutely that Brian doesn’t hesitate to dive in and steal another kiss, tasting the sound right from his lips. “I’m such an idiot, you’re rubbing off on me, Bri. I didn’t realize we could’ve been doing that sooner.”

Brian lets out a laugh of his own. “There’s plenty more where that came from, don’t worry.” He puckers his lips for good measure. 

His chest explodes in happiness upon hearing more of Jae’s laughter. 

He continues, tapping a finger on the tip of Jae’s nose. “Am I a good kisser or am I a good kisser?” He asks, playfully cocky.

If he’s being honest, it’s one of the best kisses he’s ever given. Hell, it’s probably the best he’s ever _had_. Just from one taste and he’s now completely addicted. And as he thinks about it, he suspects that it’s less about the skill involved and more about the person he did it with. They could’ve kissed somewhere cold or unfamiliar and he still wouldn’t care about anything other than savoring the feel of Jae’s lips on him.

“I’m not sure,” Jae hums, as if contemplating. “I think I need some more before I can reach a judgment.”

Well, Brian is all too happy to grant him that request, leaning in for another kiss, or two, or plenty more.

  
  
  


A couple of hours later, Brian gave Jae a ride home. He breathed a sigh of relief after seeing that his dad isn’t home yet; he doesn’t want his blissful mood to be ruined right away. Though, at least for today, he’s pretty sure that it’ll be a hard feat. Especially when he can freely reach across the center console and hold Jae’s hand now. He’s the happiest he’s ever been in a long time, he won’t let anything ruin that. 

As always, he made sure to stop a couple of blocks away from the other’s house. This time, as they said goodbye, he resisted the urge to give him another kiss. Even though the windows are heavily tinted, he didn’t want to risk being seen by other people. This is Jae’s neighborhood, he could be easily recognized and word might travel back to his father that his son was seen kissing a stranger inside the car. 

So instead, he just tightened his grip on his hand before letting go. And the grateful smile that Jae throws at him sort of lets him know that he understood what was going through his mind right then.

And now, as Brian is back in his bed after having dinner and a quick shower, he has his laptop and phone sitting on his lap. He spent the last few minutes reading through the messages and emails he failed to read during the weekend. 

**Sir Sungjin:  
** _Hey, Kang, you up to a game of hoops this Sunday? Just text me when you’re free._

 **Dumbwoon:  
** _Come with me to downtown. I want to try this new burger joint that just opened last week and I need a driver._

**Womp:**   
_Briaaan! Jae told me you weren’t answering his calls and emails. Did he do something wrong? You can talk to me and I’ll pretend to trash-talk him if it makes you feel any better. But for what it’s worth, please understand that you’re also his first almost-boyfriend. Anyways, let’s talk it over some ice cream, my treat!_

He sent a quick apology to his friends and thanked them for checking in as they too seemed worried in their own subtle ways. All three of them offered activities to help get him mind off things. He can’t even begin to describe how much he appreciated them for it.

See? He has Jae and these guys looking out for him. For tonight, he lets himself forget the fight he had with his father. He forgets the cold and hollow feeling that settled in his chest because of it. Tonight, he permits himself to soar with absolute happiness for once, filling his heart with the kind of warmth that only Jae can provide, and with the sense of belongingness he found only in his friends. He finally has Jae to love and to be loved by him in return, his friends to be there for him without needing to be asked. He can make himself accept that it’s more than enough for now. Longing for his own father’s acceptance be damned.

He had to assure Wonpil that Jae did not do anything wrong, even hinting that the two of them actually did something _right_ earlier in the afternoon. Afterwards, he deliberately chose to ignore Wonpil’s follow-up text demanding him to “ _Omg spill_ 👀” while chuckling naughtily to himself as he now proceeds to his emails. 

He reads through the ones related to their project first, making a mental note to make it up to his partner for wasting two days without sharing and writing anything.

Then, as his eyes land at the very top of his inbox, he sees a new one that he received just five minutes ago waiting for him. 

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **hey**  
  
Did you know that my mom already thinks we’re dating? She suspected that after she saw us sleeping together in my bed.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **what, no sweet nickname for me? :(**  
  
I mean. She’s definitely smarter than us.

He recalls the way Mrs. Park eyed them with a knowing glint in her eyes as they joined her on the porch last week. Yeah, she most definitely knew then, even before him and Jae decided to get their shit together and confess.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **Hm, let me think. Uh- No.**  
  
Come back to school tomorrow, okay? 

Brian smirks to himself, getting an idea. He was already planning to go back to class, but then Jae presented a golden opportunity so he decided to milk it for all it’s worth.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **Rude.**  
  
I don’t know. That depends.

From:lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: 😌  
  
On what?

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **Not even a quick ‘hey, babe’?**  
  
Will I get a kiss if I do?

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **Keep dreaming.**  
  
I swear to God, Brian  
We basically spent the entire afternoon doing that.

And what a wonderfully spent afternoon it was. Heat flames Brian’s cheeks at the reminder of it. He can still feel Jae’s lips lingering on his. If he’s already so taken by Jae before, he’s gotten hopelessly in love now. He’s not too proud to admit that Jae’s kisses are his new weakness.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: likchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **oh, i will** 😘  
  
What? That’s not nearly enough.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
You’re sooo annoying. I’m starting to regret this relationship.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
So, is that a yes?

It takes exactly three minutes for Jae’s reply to go through. Brian checked.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
…   
Fine.   
I may be inexperienced but I’m not a prude.  
Just come to school extra early. 

Biting his lip to prevent himself from smiling so wide in triumph, he runs his hands over his face to try to contain his emotions. In hindsight, since they are together now, he knows they can kiss each other without having to ask for permission every single time. But it’s still a lot more fun when he teases Jae about it, with the other unknowingly admitting that he likes to keep kissing him too.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Okay, my love. 

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Shut up.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: likchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Wish you could make me.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Hnnngggggggahdjflsfds

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Are you moaning, my love? Even when I’m not around?

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
That’s it. I want to break up.

He sniggers to himself. He’s relieved that Jae clearly made his feelings known earlier so that, even if he’s saying things like this now, Brian doesn’t get even the slightest hint of doubt. Aside from this being just another joke passed between them, he has no doubt that Jae is as into this relationship as he is. He knows this because Jae simply told him so. Besides, he also felt it in the way that they kissed.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Aw, that’s too bad. You’re stuck with me, babe.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
You’re going to get more insufferable now that we’re together, aren’t you?

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
See? You know me so well.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Unfortunately.  
It’s past 10, Bri. I gotta go soon, okay?

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Good night, my baby Jae.   
Dream of me.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Good night, my lovely Bribri. (There. You happy?)  
Take a shower, I smelled you earlier.

Instead of being embarrassed, his lips stretch into a soft smile. He liked that even when he wasn’t in his best appearance and condition earlier, Jae didn’t see him any differently. He never doubted that for a second, but it still feels nice to be reminded of how much Jae cares for him too.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Irrelevant. I still got you to kiss me, didn’t I?

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
I’m sorry, what? The signal is too weak, I can’t hear you over this static.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
Ha ha.   
Goodnight and sweet dreams. Don’t miss my lips too much or you’ll end up getting a different kind of dream. 💦

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
I swear to fucking god. I hate you.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
I love you toooo 😘

That night, he goes to bed with a smile on his face and a constant fluttering of his heart. Even though the next morning gives him a daunting feeling with him and his father back to having another stifling drive to school, it became easy for him to ignore it. Instead, he chooses to focus on what’s waiting for him when he gets there: his friends who will no doubt badger him about ignoring their texts, and Jae who will probably—most definitely—turn a beautiful shade of red as they share a kiss in the privacy of an empty classroom. He just needs to remember to wake up extra early in order to do all of that.


	8. i'm far from good, it's true

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which jae and brian get frisky

One glance at his wristwatch lets Jae know that he arrived at school an hour earlier than usual—which means that he’s about an hour and a half early before the first bell. The halls are basically empty save for less than a handful of other students he sees along the way. His steps echo in the space, the stillness of the school gives off a little eerie feeling but Jae just finds it calming. It’s seldom like this, never been this empty before. Even on a few weekends when the student council meets for an event or prepares for one, there are still the occasional athletes training with their team out on the courtyards; there’s the ever present but faint sound of voices coming from everywhere. 

Waking up so early made it seem all the more worth it if he gets to see the school this way. Especially since he only has about seven months left of senior year to be able to experience mornings like this—slow, peaceful, and quiet. Even though he wants to broaden his horizons and go somewhere far from here, he still had great memories with his best friends in this place. They grew up here together. He’ll surely miss walking through these walls with them after they graduate.

Like always, he stops at his locker first, changing his books out and doing everything he needs to before Brian and their friends arrive. He’s a little nervous for what’s about to happen, but for the most part, he’s close to bursting with excitement. 

Last night, it took him a while to fall asleep. He still can’t believe that happened, that he and Brian are actually together now. As in romantically involved. Dating. Fumbling boyfriends who spent their first day as a couple making out. Jae remembered how much he couldn’t stop blushing even well into the evening that his mother worried he was coming down with a fever. Of course, after he assured her that it wasn’t the case, he also had to hold himself back from telling her what happened. Not when his poor excuse of a father could walk into the room at any second. But even that is not enough to dampen his mood. 

Before then, he was so scared of what being in a relationship might entail. He was afraid that he won’t be able to properly give Brian what he needs due to his lack of experience. And so, like a true coward, he avoided having that conversation that would seal their fate at all costs. He had been successful for the most part of the past week. 

But when he hasn’t heard anything from Brian in two days and then he also skipped school yesterday, he was hit with a startling realization of how much different his days are when Brian isn’t around. It’s like he can’t shake off the feeling that there’s something missing no matter how hard he tried. His day wasn’t exactly dull, but it wasn’t that great either. It lacked Brian’s warmth. His playfulness, his laughter that always came easily, and his gentle and attentive nature. His sudden absence has been the only thing that occupied his mind the entire day, making it almost impossible to concentrate in all of his classes. And, as the time for their library meeting rolled around, Jae just found himself on the gates of the school, walking towards the bus stop that will take him to Brian’s place.

It didn’t take long for him to decide that he’d rather step out of his comfort zone than to risk having another Brian-less day. Putting a strain in their friendship by cowardly evading their talk is the last thing that he wants. And when he finally got to kiss those lips, things just fell into place.

Besides, when they began exchanging emails last night like usual, his worries and insecurities ebbed away. They’re still there, but no longer enough to scare him out of admitting how much he _wants_ this. It’s so reassuring how nothing much has changed between them—Brian aimlessly flirting and him pretending to be annoyed—because, really, he wouldn’t have them any other way. The most definite change he’s looked forward to though is that, well, he doesn’t have to hold himself back from showering Brian with his affection. Of course, he’ll only do it whenever they’re alone but it’s such a relief to know that he can do that anytime he wants. 

He easily found that once is never enough. He may be quick to feel flushed and flustered but whenever he sets his mind into something, he doesn’t hesitate to fully immerse himself into it. And so, even though he’s painfully aware that he is inexperienced, he knows that the best way to change that is to try things on his own. Being inexperienced doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s prudent. Plus, kissing Brian? It’s honestly one of the best experiences he’s ever had. _Of course_ he’ll want more and that he’ll keep wanting a few lots more to be satisfied. 

He doesn’t have anything to compare it with, but the way Brian kisses him, it feels like a profound and beautiful declaration of love all on its own. It’s electrifying, spreading tingles all over his body that doesn’t leave his system even long after it’s over.

Last night as he laid awake for hours on end reliving the entire afternoon, he got a good idea that he didn’t bother questioning it the way he usually does.

Shooting a quick text to the other three, he told them to come to school extra early too, keeping it vague and a little mysterious. He sent them pretty late but he’s optimistic. When it comes to sharing stories with each other, no one in their group likes the feeling of missing out. They’ll be here real soon, Jae has no doubt about it.

As he’s standing in front of his desk, fingers drumming absentmindedly on the side of his legs, he gives himself another once-over from head to toe. He spent a longer time digging through his closet this morning. And if he’s being honest, he’s satisfied with what he ended up with. His usual tight black skinny jeans to highlight the length of his legs, a thin red sweater with the sleeves pushed up just below his elbows, and his favorite pair of white sneaker shoes. He looks cute. Attractive, even. 

He wonders if Brian will notice.

And speaking of the handsome devil, Jae sees that the other sent him a few texts. 

**my idiot:  
** _good morning, my love!  
_ _i just got here, where should i go_

His cheeks flame upon seeing the upgrade he gave to Brian’s contact name. He only did it on a quick burst of inspiration last night while remembering their afternoon. It’s cheesy, he knows. But, for once, he doesn’t care. And besides, Brian has him saved as ‘baby jae’ on his phone long before anyway. 

So in conclusion, they’re both equally cheesy.

 _ english room, bri  
_ _ what’s taking you so long :( _

He tried to channel a Brian and be a little flirty himself. If he promised he’d start stepping out of his comfort zone, then he will surely do it with flying colors. That, and the fact that he knows his boyfriend would appreciate it. 

_Boyfriend_ , he can’t help but flush at the word. 

_i’m already running  
_ _don’t worry, i’ll make it up to you_ 😘😘😘

Excitement and nervous anticipation bubble up inside his chest. Straightening in his seat, his eyes train on the door. And true to his words, less than a minute later, Brian comes stumbling in and looking like he ran all the way here.

Jae watches as the other casts a careful glance along the hallways first before stepping in and closing the door. He seems to hesitate on whether or not it’s a good idea to lock it, but chooses to do the latter at the last second. And even though Jae didn’t think of it before, he feels a little relieved now that Brian left it unlocked. It’s easier to be cautious now even when they’re alone than to scramble for a reasonable excuse in case one of their classmates comes knocking and decides to ask a question on what they were doing in a locked room, alone and this early. At least from where their desks are located relative to the door, they have a tiny advantage on being able to see the person standing outside first through the square window, giving them a quick heads-up. They’re lucky that, from the outside looking in, their seats are practically hidden behind the shelves lining the wall adjacent to the door.

As his eyes follow Brian approach him, Jae subconsciously straightens his posture and fixes his glasses up his nose. His heart starts picking up as soon as their eyes meet and Brian flashes him the most infuriatingly handsome grin, the one that lets him know Brian is currently remembering, with great pleasure, what they did and talked about just the day before. 

Jae’s hands begin to sweat. He wants to either punch that smug look on his face, or kiss it right off until _he’s_ the one who’s feeling flushed and flustered. See how he likes it. 

_Of course, he will._ Jae snorts, reminding himself. Brian would most definitely like it very much if he did that.

“So?” Brian prompts as soon as he’s standing in front of Jae’s desk.

“So, what?”

“I’m waiting.” The jerk had the gall to playfully purse his lips at Jae, leaning over the desk so that he’s closer. “I believe I was promised a kiss. Or two.”

He scoffs indignantly before looking away and trying to ignore the spreading heat on his face. Those lips are dangerous and might just be the cause of Jae’s dignity vanishing into thin air. No, he will not be the one to cave in. No matter how much he wants to, just to feel those lips on his again… 

Shaking his head, Jae tries to get his thoughts in order.

“I don’t know what you expected from my email last night, but it better not be me doing it first.” Is what he said to cover up his nervousness. 

Look at him being afraid even though he planned not to shy away from things like this. But instead of letting disappointment paint their beautiful morning grey, he tells himself it’s okay. Brian _is_ his first. He knows he has a lot to learn in relationships but he also knows it doesn’t happen overnight. At least he orchestrated this meeting, so there’s his initiative.

Brian coos sweetly at him. The teasing glint in his eyes disappears though, seeming to detect the underlying shyness underneath Jae’s words. His voice sounds softer now as he says, “If you wanted me to kiss you first, all you had to do is ask.”

Somehow, this puts Jae at ease. See? Brian knows him after all. He doesn’t have anything to worry about. 

An exasperated yet fond smile brightens up his face. “Why are you this annoying so early in the morning?”

“Because I know you secretly find it endearing.” And with that, he hooks a finger under Jae’s chin, tilting his face up as he leans in for a kiss.

In it, Jae feels himself start to relax, fully letting out his nerves all in a blissful sigh. He lets himself get lost into the feeling of Brian’s soft lips, parted the slightest bit, cheeky with the promise of something more. He braves himself by leaning in impossibly closer, moving his mouth and letting the kiss go deeper. He experiments by playing with Brian’s lower lip, copying the way the other did to him yesterday. He gives it his attention, opening his mouth a little bit to tease Brian’s lips with the tip of his tongue before retreating.

Pleasure spreads through him as he coaxes a beautiful sound from Brian, strained and a little desperate. He’s spurred by it as he keeps doing what he just did, taking it to mean that he’s doing something right.

But all too soon, he feels the best kind of disoriented and dissatisfied as Brian immediately pulls away after that.

“Babe, oh god, please don’t do that.” He pleads against Jae’s lips, breathless.

Uncertainty suddenly floods Jae’s chest. _Did I do something wrong? Did he not like that?_

He tries to search Brian’s face, but the other completely has his eyes cast down. Jae is surprised to see the tinge of pink rising to his boyfriend’s cheeks. 

“What, Bri?” He asks with a tiny frown, quiet and unsure. “I thought you wanted us to…” he trails off, unable to voice his thoughts. 

With a little chuckle, Brian shakes his head before meeting his questioning gaze. “I did. I _do_. But we can’t. Not right now.” 

Now he’s all the more confused.

“Then why?”

Brian is cocking an eyebrow at him, looking as if he expected Jae to already know the answer. But when Jae only responds with a curious tilt of his head, he explains, “I’ve been wanting to do that since yesterday but I didn’t know if you were— if you’d let me.” He lets out a self-deprecating laugh. “God, and now you’re the one doing it to me. If you keep kissing me like _that_ , I wouldn’t want to stop.”

Understanding spreads through Jae’s features, erasing the doubt and uncertainty that was once there. 

“I’m sorry.” He says, feeling silly for assuming negatively. He really should work on not being so pessimistic most of the time. 

But in all honesty, he’s also quite pleased with himself for making Brian feel that way. It’s satisfying to know that he has that much effect on his boyfriend, the same way that Brian so clearly has that hold on him too.

“Don’t be, babe.” Brian gives him a peck. “Never for things like that.”

Jae keens at the tenderness behind the gesture. He watches as Brian situates himself into his desk before resting his elbows on his knees so that he’s facing him fully.

“You look cute, by the way. I saw you earlier and literally gasped.”

“Shut up.” Jae whines, as if in complaint, as heat spreads through his face. He appreciates the compliment probably an embarrassing amount.

“Make me.” He leans closer to Jae, dark eyes casting down to his lips.

“Are you always going to use every opportunity to get me to kiss you?” Jae asks in exasperation. Nonetheless, he grants Brian his request and presses their lips together. A chuckle escapes him when his boyfriend tries to make it deeper. “I thought you said we can’t do this here.” He whispers against Brian’s lips.

Pulling away, Brian gives him a dopey smile. “Can you blame me? I always want to kiss you.”

“ _Shut up._ ” He repeats with another whine. He hides behind his hands, earning him a bright bark of laughter from the other.

“You know,” he feels Brian gently pry his hands away from his face. “I’ve realized that whenever you tell me to ‘shut up’, you’re really just telling me to stop making you blush.”

Jae feels caught. This is the downside of having someone completely know and understand who you are. It effectively makes it difficult to cower away. He’s not complaining though. Especially not when Brian keeps looking at him with those soft and adoring sharp eyes.

“I can’t hide anything from you, can I?” He reaches a hand to card through Brian’s hair before cupping the side of his face. And because he’s absolutely weak against the adorableness that is Brian, he doesn’t stop himself from leaning in to give one of his soft and fluffy cheeks a gentle peck.

Brian merely shakes his head and gazes at him, relishing the touches and affection he’s being given.

“So,” he starts with a playful lift of his eyebrows, “you told me to arrive here awfully early just for kisses, is this what you were planning? Because I’m more than willing to obey but I don’t think it’s wise to do it here.”

“Not just for that reason, okay?” Jae makes a face at him. “I also told those three idiots to come too.”

“Why?”

“Because I wanted to—” he gets cut off by his phone vibrating in his pocket. “Hang on, this might be them.” He tells Brian before fishing it out.

 **Pirie:  
** _Alright, let’s get this over with. Why are we having a friendly meeting so early in the morning?_

_ Come to the English room and find out _

“It’s Wonpil. I think they’re here already.” He answers Brian’s questioning gaze.

“Oh, are we telling them now?” Surprise flashes in Brian’s features.

“I mean, only if you want to?” Jae makes sure by looking at him imploringly. “I’m sorry, I should’ve asked you beforehand.”

Brian is quick to wave it off. “It’s fine. I just thought you didn’t want to tell them right away because we’ll surely never hear the end of their jokes.”

“I don’t think it’ll be that bad.” He responds just as he receives another text.

 _We’re walking there now.  
_ _We better not walk in on you and Brian eating each other out or something_

Jae chokes on his breath, almost dropping his phone. As Brian predicted, the jokes are already _that_ bad.

_ WTF WONPIL KIM _

_Hey, I don’t judge other people’s kinks. If you want to be voyeuristic, then go for it. Pretty bold doing it at school though_

_ Stfu and just get over here, for god’s sake _

“Why do you look like you’re already regretting your decision?” Brian flashes him an amused smile. 

“Because I am.” Jae lets out a long sigh, resigned to what he just signed themselves up for. In all honesty though, he knows his friend means well. After all, he did keep pushing the two of them to finally get together the past couple of months. He deserves to let in a few jokes here and there, no matter how suggestive they are. And speaking of, “Wait, does Wonpil already know about us?” He’s pertaining to his friend’s bold assumption of what they were doing. Joke or not, it didn’t seem completely baseless. “Did you tell him?”

Brian tilts his head, looking adorably confused. “I didn’t.” However, something clears in his expression and now he’s suddenly looking sheepish as he admits, “But I may or may not have hinted about it when I texted him last night. Why, what did he say?”

Jae shows him the text thread as a response. He watches the emotions play out on Brian’s face. From shock, to immediate shyness, to something akin to desire, and finally, to amusement.

“Does he mean that he expects we’re making out or that we’re, like, _really_ eating each other out?” He asks, self-consciously scratching the back of his head. The subtle hint of color in his cheeks doesn’t slip past Jae’s notice.

“Don’t ask him that.” He warns, pocketing his phone. “Knowing him, he probably meant the second one.”

“Well, that’s…” Brian trails off, seeming to look for the right word.

“Extreme?” Jae offers with a rueful smile.

“That’s one way to describe it.” Brian lets out a chuckle. “Anyways, so,” he pauses, gathering Jae’s hands in his and playing with his fingers. “How do you plan to go about this, babe?”

“‘Babe’?” Wonpil suddenly echoes from the door, sounding much too pleased and excited for Jae’s comfort.

The two of them have been so lost in the conversation and each other that they haven’t noticed the other three enter the threshold.

“By getting caught, apparently.” Jae mutters under his breath as he watches their friends approach them with a collective glint in their eyes. They look halfway between being happy and coming up with all kinds of mischievous ideas. He mentally prepares himself for all of the suggestive jokes and insinuations coming their way.

However, satisfaction blooms in his chest when Brian doesn’t pull away from him even then. Either his boyfriend doesn’t feel shy enough about that to let him go, or he’s just finally showing his affectionate side now that they’re in a relationship and he’s been given permission to do so as he pleases. Jae wagers it’s both.

“Well, well, well. What do we have here?” Wonpil asks, spoken like a true scheming villain. From the door, he excitedly bounds over to them before sitting on top of Jae’s desk. His legs swing back and forth, wagging his eyebrows suggestively at them, and he can’t seem to stop moving. His happiness for them is practically radiating off of him that Jae suddenly gets the urge to give him a hug.

“What do you think?” Brian asks instead with a quirk of his brow. To add to his words, he intertwined his fingers with Jae’s and proceeded to caress the inside of his palm with his thumb.

Wonpil lets out a tiny squeal of delight.

“So,” Sungjin joins in after closing the door behind Dowoon. “Who’s the brave one that confessed and who kissed who first?”

“Why do you all look so sure that me and Brian are together now?” Jae wants to know how they came to that conclusion. He’s a little miffed that his way of letting them know about their relationship didn’t go as planned. He wanted to surprise them by doing a relatively small but meaningful gesture like suddenly capturing Brian’s lips in a kiss while they’re all there or something like that. Though to be fair, this right here, getting caught red-handed by the other three, seems like the most natural thing to happen. Of course those three nosy idiots eavesdropped and chose to announce their presence at conveniently the best moment.

“So you _are_ together now.” Dowoon happily notes. “Knew it.” He drags the chair from the teacher’s table all the way between Jae and Brian’s desks and sits backward on it. 

To answer Jae’s question, Sungjin explains, “After you wanted to come to Brian’s house alone yesterday and Wonpil shared to us Brian’s mysterious text from last night, we kind of already got an idea.”

Brian gives him an apologetic smile. “Sorry, I couldn’t help it. I was just too excited last night.”

Jae just shakes his head at him, fond and amused. He completely understands what he means. After Brian drove him home yesterday, it was inexplicably difficult to prevent himself from sharing the news right away to his mom. He wanted her to celebrate with him somehow, bask in this monumental time in his life—having his first real relationship. If his father hadn’t been home, he would have told her everything that happened. And undoubtedly, his mom would’ve gushed with him even about the smallest of details, matching the happiness that he’s currently feeling.

“Enough foreplay and get to the story.” Wonpil claps a few times to demand all of their attention. His excitement and impatience seem near to bursting out of his chest. “Come on, start from the top and don’t even think about skipping a single thing.”

As Jae and Brian share a look, his boyfriend gestures for him to go for it. They let go of each other as Jae settles back in his chair, preparing for a rousing way of storytelling as he indulges them with what exactly happened. 

Wonpil sulks after claiming that they should’ve been there to watch the whole thing, had Jae not told them that he needed to go alone. And Sungjin, arguably the most mature one in the group, placates him by saying that if they were there as an audience, he doubts that Jae’s confession would have been as sweet and honest as the way he did it. That it’s a good thing it was just between him and Brian. After a while, Wonpil begrudgingly agrees. However, Jae cheers him back up by sharing that Brian drove him home afterwards. Secretly, he understands that his friend is really being nosy by demanding to know everything about their relationship. In all honesty, Wonpil just wants to see and hear about him being happy. And even though his friend would never admit to it, he still sends him a warm and grateful smile. 

Of course, Jae also keeps the part about how they basically made out in Brian’s bed a secret. Not because he wanted to avoid the resulting and relentless teasing they will have, but because that specific part belongs only to him and Brian. Something that they shared and treasured, with the memory of how gentle and patient yet eager and loving Brian has been in kissing him yesterday still bright and fresh at the forefront of his mind.

Continuing to listen to Jae’s words, the other three make sure to keep their voices low no matter how progressively animated they get as their classmates slowly start trickling in. They manage to sneak in a few more jokes at the most opportune moments—with Dowoon suggestively wiggling his eyebrows after hearing that Brian was only in his boxers when Jae got there to his room (“so he seduced you to confess by flashing his thighs?” he gasped exaggeratedly, putting on an infuriatingly innocent façade). To that, Sungjin had also _not_ -so-innocently pointed out how he often caught Jae staring at Brian’s thighs especially on days he wore tight jeans, ultimately adding truth to Dowoon’s insinuation. 

Jae and Brian let them have their fun, even laughing along to most of it. Because, admittedly, though it’s at their expense, they enjoy hearing about their jokes too. Especially when they’re trying to see how daring and creatively naughty those three were willing to go with them.

They keep at it even during lunch period but when school is done for the day, those three let them have their privacy. Unlike the past week wherein they all basically played badminton at the courtyard because Jae was avoiding being left alone with Brian, today he makes it up to him by doing something that he’s never done before: he skips the student council meeting.

Instead, Jae helps him with his community service for the day so that he can finish early, brushing off his boyfriend’s half-hearted protests and assuring him he won’t get in trouble for it and that it wasn’t that big of a deal anyway. He did it because he wanted to give themselves more time to spend together back in Brian’s house.

And it didn’t hit him until they’re already lounging on Brian’s bed watching television that, for once, he doesn’t care too much about playing by the rules. It was when they were watching The Office reruns with Brian’s head on his lap, and his fingers absentmindedly carding through his boyfriend’s hair, that the fear of his father somehow finding out about what he did never crept up his chest and riddled him with stifling anxiety. There’s no worrying about worst case scenarios, no what ifs, nothing.

It feels indescribably liberating. 

“What are you smiling about?” Brian gazes up at him, sporting a tiny smile of his own.

Because he’s in some sort of a celebratory mood, he doesn’t stop himself from leaning in to press a soft kiss to his lips.

“What was that for?”

He shrugs. “Nothing. I just really like kissing you.”

Satisfaction blooms in Brian’s features. “Hey, that’s my line.”

“Well I said it first.”

Brian scoffs playfully. “Do you know how long I’ve been wanting to kiss you?” He doesn’t wait for an answer. “Too long, Jae.”

Jae lets out a chuckle, heart feeling full to bursting. “Then make up for lost time.”

One corner of Brian’s lips quirks up, looking smug as his eyes dart to the locked door. “Oh, I’m planning on it.”

Jae pulls away as soon as the other reaches for him. He makes a face in response to his boyfriend’s pout, mocking.

“By the way, have you told your dad about us?”

Something cracks in Brian’s expression. For a second there, Jae’s certain he saw the glint in his eyes dim. But before he gets a chance to ask what’s wrong, Brian is quick to dismiss it.

“He probably does.” He says it in such an off-hand manner that Jae finds himself frowning in concern. “I mean, he did see us rush in and lock ourselves in here. Let him guess what’s up for all I care.”

His brows shoot up in mild surprise at the tone. It was so dismissive and cold in the way that it reminded Jae of that car ride he had with them the first time all those months ago. He thought that Brian and his dad are starting to get along again lately. Did they have another falling out?

He so badly wants to ask but since Brian isn’t outright saying anything first, he’s not sure how the other might take it. He’s long deduced that Brian has a rocky relationship with his dad. He knows it’s particularly different from what it is between him and his own father, but he also knows that Mr. Kang hadn’t been available and present to his son’s life ever since Brian’s mother died. Not emotionally, at least. 

From all the times he talked to Mr. Kang, all those car rides and conversations he had with him, he can also tell that he cares for Brian a lot. And from what he has noticed in his boyfriend during their project meetings and outside of them, there’s a kind of longing for his father that’s been deeply rooted inside of him. 

What Jae can’t piece together though is how they ended up acting estranged with each other so much. And he doesn’t know whether they’re purposefully doing it or not.

One of these days, he plans to bring it up to Brian in a manner that doesn’t seem like an ambush and that it also won’t make his boyfriend feel pressured to answer. But for right now, he’s going to savor this calm and beautiful afternoon, one that he stole so that they could enjoy each other’s company.

  
  


***

  
  


From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **BABE**  
  
So, I just told my mom about us……

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **i just saw you called me babe and mY HEART LITERALLY SKIPPED A BEAT**  
  
And?????  
How was it? Was she happy? Did she approve of us? Of me???  
And what about your father?? Did you make sure he wasn’t home and had no way of finding out???

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **babe, baby, my love, darling, sweetheart, my lovely bribri**  
  
Woah. That’s a lot of question marks

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **UGH YES PLEASE keep them coming hnngggg**  
  
Don’t tease me! 😫 I’m so close to freaking out here. I’m nervous, excited, and a little upset that we’re not having this conversation face to face. I want to see you right now. Please answer my questions all in order 😭😭😭

An adoring smile finds its way to Jae’s lips. He’s currently in the comfort of his room, using his computer to chat with his boyfriend under the guise of doing advanced reading—even though he’s already way ahead in all of his classes. 

After he got home earlier, the first thing that he did was to tell his mom everything. The excitement that he tried to rein in yesterday in order to avoid his father from knowing has returned to him at full force. Now that it was just him and his mom alone, he didn’t hold back on sharing with her his happiness. They danced in the living room even with the absence of music. They laughed joyously, filling the house with the sounds of it. And they embraced each other, far longer and much tighter than usual.

Brian confessed his feelings to him.

Brian is _such_ a good kisser.

Brian, who is one of his best friends and is his partner, is now his boyfriend. 

The irony is not lost on him. His mother really knew it would happen way before the two of them did.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **Are you getting turned on right now? Lol are pet names a kink for you?**  
  
Fine.  
How was it? It went so much better than I hoped would happen. She squealed, gave me a big hug, then bragged that she already saw this coming.  
Yes, she was incredibly happy.  
Yes, she approves of us.   
Yes, she approves of you. She adores you, Bri.  
As for my father, he arrived a full hour after me and my mom stopped talking about it. I made sure of that. So yes, we’re good. You can take a breath now, Brian. 

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **Babe, it’s not just about pet names. Everything that involves you is a kink for me.**  
  
Okay, good :)  
Also, I was thinking.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **ew, you weirdo**  
  
Uh-oh. That can’t be good.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **too much? lol**  
  
Ha ha.  
Anyways, as I was saying, what do you think about going on our first date tomorrow?

Jae’s fingers hover over the keys. The answer is already on the tip of his tongue, threatening to spill over until he’s agreeing without thinking it through. But then, frustration riddles him because something as simple as this shouldn’t have been hard for him to say yes to.

God, he so badly wants to say yes. It’s their first date for goodness' sake.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **A bit**  
  
Bri, I’d really love to but you know I can’t be gone for too long after school.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To:lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **But did it make you blush?**  
  
I know, I know. But hear me out.  
I was thinking, right after my community service and your student council, I could drive us to an ice cream store the next town over or something. Far enough away that we won’t have to worry about seeing people we know but still close to here that we can go back in time no problem.

He appreciates Brian’s thoughtfulness and consideration for his limitations. Encouraged by it, he lets himself imagine what a date with Brian will be like.

Would they hold hands in the car like last time?

Would Brian no longer hesitate to give him a kiss now that they’re away from town?

And would he himself be brave enough to be openly affectionate with his boyfriend?

The more that he thinks of possible scenarios, most of them happy, full of teasing, and involving kissing Brian’s soft fluffy cheeks, the more he’s tempted to agree to it.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **…**  
  
God, keep selling it to me. I might actually say yes.  
Can I have another day to think about it?

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **Knew it** 😏  
  
Of course, my love. :)  
I just figured since we’re in the clear and no one else knows about us, it’ll be easy to get away with going on a date if we plan ahead. I mean, we’ve been together for more than a day now and nothing bad happened. You said so yourself, it doesn’t have to be that big of a deal.

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
You’re absolutely right for once…  
Okay, I’ll let you know as soon as I’ve decided.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
What do you mean ‘for once’? :(

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
  
Lol I'm just kidding, Bri. Thanks for planning ahead just to take me out on a date. I really appreciate you. 🥺

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
  
You don’t need to thank me.  
Just say you love me and then we’re good ;)

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: ***sighs* you’re so annoying**  
  
Love you, Bribri!   
😘😘😘 <~ just imagine this is me giving you a few kisses good night.

From: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
To: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
Subject: **But I know you love that about me too ;)**  
  
Oh, I’m always imagining that, babe 😘  
Love u too, good night!

As he shuts down his computer, something about what Brian said keeps replaying in his head. 

He was right. It was easy for them to get away with being together. He’s put so much pressure and worry on it beforehand that it became too big of a deal than it really is. They’ve been careful, told the news only to people they trust, and it’s not like this is such a big change for them. 

Earlier at school, they were pretty much the same when there were other people around—Brian still teased him, and he still pretended as if he was genuinely exasperated by it. The main difference is that they can lean in for a quick kiss now whenever they’re in an empty classroom or alone at the toilet. 

They got this. It’s just a date after all. They can easily get away with this. And he’ll never forget how freeing it felt when he deviated from being the ‘perfect student’ the way he did today.

That exhilarating feeling is back, it’s dangerous in the sense that it makes Jae believe he could get used to it. And that every fiber in his body yearns to keep doing it a thousand times more. 

But it doesn’t matter. For three years, he’s let his father control every aspect of his life. Now that he has this relationship with Brian where he’s the happiest he’s ever been, he doesn’t mind taking a few things back for himself. He doesn’t ask for many things in life but he _wants_ this. He deserves to have this.

Plus, being able to keep a secret from his poor excuse of a father is already a reward on its own. It gives him a sick kind of satisfaction. Let him play the fool in this scenario, keep him in the dark where he belongs.

And so, at half past midnight, he doesn’t hesitate to send Brian another email on his phone. 

From: lilchickjaejae915@gmail.com  
To: burgerkang93@gmail.com  
Subject: **BABE**  
  
I’m done overthinking. Yes, I’d love to go on a date tomorrow <3

The following day, they savor the couple of hours they are able to steal feeding each other spoonfuls of ice cream in the store, even smearing a few on the tips of their noses. They hold hands both on the drive there and on the way back. And when Brian is struggling in digging for his favorite topping inside his big cup, looking adorable with his brows furrowed in concentration and mouth forming the tiniest pout, Jae doesn’t hesitate to lean in over the table to give him a kiss. Or to play cheeky footsies with him under the table just because he can.

They get back with more than half an hour to spare before Jae’s father is home and so the two of them spend half that time telling Mrs. Park about their date.

So when Mr. Park comes knocking on the front door, with Brian long gone and is back in his own home, Jae has already managed to compose himself in his usual role of being the meek, docile, and obedient son his father demands him to be. Mr. Park is left unaware and completely oblivious, exactly what Jae wanted him to be.

For the next three weeks, they have gone to a few more dates out of town. They managed to build their own routine so that they were able to go out quite often, going at least once a week. Sometimes, they even invite Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon to come along just to avoid causing suspicion at school on why the two of them would always leave and go home at the same time. 

Their date ideas varied. They went to play bowling, spent a lot in an arcade, and even went shopping where Brian bought him a pair of bright red boxer shorts as an inside joke. And when they’re not going out at the end of classes, after Brian’s daily community service and Jae’s council meetings, they stay in school to play badminton at the courtyard like usual, or they go directly to Brian’s house to hang out. For as far as Jae can remember, it’s been the best month in his life.

Everything’s going well. There’s so much progress in their English project. Brian has only less than a month of juvenile probation left and Jae just heard back from a couple of universities he applied to. They’re good news, of course. But he’s still putting off on answering them because he doesn’t want to make a decision right away. That, and he’s still a tad in denial that he’s going to be stuck here after graduation. Either way, he’s happy that all of his hard work got him into those places, even though there’s not much else he can do. 

That’s why he chose to just focus on the here and now, on things and people that genuinely make him happy despite everything. 

You’ll always find him in the company of the ones he loves to keep.

The five of them are currently back in Brian’s house one Thursday afternoon. They’re lazily lounging and playing video games in the living room as they wait for their pizzas to be delivered. 

Dowoon and Wonpil have claimed one of the two couches, Jae and Brian on the other one, and Sungjin is happily seated on the recliner.

“Hey, Brian.” Dowoon calls to him, not taking his eyes away from the television. It’s his and Sungjin’s turn to play a one-versus-one survival game.

“What?” The man in question responds as he’s resting his head on Jae’s lap, his own fingers buried in Brian’s hair.

That’s another new thing Jae realized about his boyfriend, he’s an adorably clingy and affectionate dork and he loves him a whole lot more for it.

“Do you have a phone charger I could borrow?”

Wonpil checks Dowoon’s phone with a frown. “But it’s not yet at low battery though.”

“Draining it below twenty percent decreases battery health.” He easily informs them.

“And you know this because?” Sungjin prompts, giving him a sideways glance as he waits for his character to respawn after being killed by their youngest friend.

“I read it on a tech-based newsletter.” Again, Dowoon simply responds.

“Of course, you have.” Sungjin snorts, eyes shining with fondness. “Who am I kidding, I forgot that scholarly articles are basically your bedtime reading.”

“What? I like them.” He shrugs, before finally looking away from the screen. He cocks an eyebrow at Brian. “Charger?”

Jae watches as Brian looks around the room. Wonpil already borrowed the one they usually keep in here a while ago and it’s looking like it’s far from being done, what with the way he keeps watching fashion do-it-yourself videos while his phone is still charging.

“I have another one in my room.” Brian tells him. Dowoon merely looks at him expectantly, and almost pleadingly, that makes Jae laugh.

Sungjin playfully snorts in the background, “iPhone users.”

“Get it yourself, dude. I’m perfectly comfortable here.” Brian pats Jae’s thighs for good measure before nuzzling his head closer to Jae’s hand.

Dowoon puts on puppy-dog eyes and a tiny pout. “But I’m playing.” He whines in that adorable way that only he can get away with.

Obviously, since they’re the closest of friends now, it doesn’t work on Brian. 

“And I’m laying with my boyfriend.” He retorts as if it measures more significantly than Dowoon winning a game against Sungjin.

Dowoon lets out a huff of indignance.

Exasperatedly shaking his head at his friends, Jae volunteers instead. “I’ll go. I left my handkerchief in Bri’s room the other day anyway.”

Wonpil perks up. “Is it a _dirty_ handkerchief?”

His cheeks instantly feel warm at the insinuation. “No, you weirdo.” 

Seriously, he should’ve been used to these lewd jokes by now.

Wonpil just sniggers at him in response.

Sighing, he gets back to the matter at hand. “I’ll get it for you, Dowoon. Do you need it like, right now?”

“Yup. Thanks, Jae!” Dowoon cheers loudly and accidentally nudges Wonpil’s side with his foot along with it. 

“Ow!” Wonpil glares at him before reaching a hand to cover Dowoon’s eyes in retaliation.

“I’m sorry!” Dowoon just giggles in delight as he dodges him.

Jae isn’t sure if the former is happy he doesn’t have to leave the game or that Sungjin’s shot at him just misfired. Either way, he makes a move to get off the couch.

“Bri, let me up.” He gently taps the top of Brian’s head, keeping his voice low as Wonpil continues to distract Dowoon and Sungjin delights on the game advantage it gives him. 

Brian stubbornly stays where he is on his lap. “But I’m so comfortable here.”

A soft smile finds its way to his face. “Then I’ll be back real quick.”

Brian pretends to contemplate. And when he points a finger to one of his cheeks, demanding something, Jae relents to his request. Leaning down, he presses a kiss right where Brian wanted.

He’s met with a pleased smile on that handsome face as soon as he pulls away.

“Happy now?” 

“Very.” With that, Brian finally gets off his lap.

He easily finds his way to Brian’s room, already feeling a tad too familiar and comfortable in this house. Once he’s inside, he finds the charger on the nightstand left of the bed, and his handkerchief is where he left it a couple of days ago near the laundry hamper in the en suite bathroom. He’s been in this room a lot of times already, but it’s always with his boyfriend around. Now that he’s alone, it feels significant, somehow. Like it holds a certain degree of intimacy, being able to know where all of Brian’s things are and having the absolute liberty to use them. He likes having this kind of privilege a little bit more than he’s willing to admit.

As he steps back into the hallway, he nearly runs into Mr. Kang who’s leaving the room closest to Brian’s. His curiosity piques as he catches a glimpse inside. For all the times he’s been in this house, he’s never known what that room is for, much less stepped a foot inside. He’s never seen Brian in there either, the whole time they’ve been together.

He can’t help but wonder if it has something to do with the late Mrs. Kang.

“Hi, Mr. Kang.” He greets with a polite and friendly smile. 

“Hey, Jae.” The older man returns the smile. “Long time, no see.”

“Ah, yes.” He starts to feel awkward now, unsure how to react. 

Lately, Brian has taken to driving himself to and from school. He once asked his boyfriend why and all he said was because he wanted to keep driving Jae to and from school too as another way to spend more time together. On the surface, it’s such a sweet gesture. And Jae really appreciates it so much but he also knows that it’s not the only reason. Up until now, he still hasn’t found a way to ask Brian what caused this sudden rift between him and Mr. Kang again. He admits that he’s also been distracted by his boyfriend to worry about it too much—they loved talking and joking around with each other most of the time, and when they’re not doing that, their lips are busy doing something else, or rather, busy _undoing_ each other. 

But now that the moment has presented itself, words don’t form themselves the way he wants to; he’s afraid to say the wrong thing that will only worsen Brian’s situation with his father.

Mr. Kang is still standing in front of him, looking like he’s having a debate with himself judging from the distant look in his eyes. And so, Jae stays where he is, waiting.

“Jae, how is—” Mr. Kang starts, sounding unsure and a little… _Is he shy?_ Jae notes with slight surprise. Clearing his throat, the older man continues, “How is Brian doing?”

Jae keeps his expressions in check. “He’s doing great, sir.”

Mr. Kang cocks an eyebrow at him.

“Ah, sorry. _Uncle_.” He corrects himself with a chuckle.

“So,” Mr. Kang steps closer then, keeping his voice low. “How is he doing at school these days?”

“Better, I think.” He informs the older man, although feeling like he has to assure him of it. Brian and Mr. Kang both live under the same roof and yet it seems that they couldn’t be farther away from each other. “Last week, Ms. Watson told Brian she’s impressed with his overall progress on our biography project.”

“That’s good to hear.” 

Jae sees him swell with pride and relief. The fact that Mr. Kang is asking him about how his own son is doing must mean that their rift has gone on far too long than he would’ve liked. 

“Is he being a good boyfriend?” Mr. Kang in a conspiratorial yet playful tone.

“The best.”

The older man nods once, satisfied.

“And, um, are you two happy?”

“The happiest we’ve ever been.” Jae tells him truthfully. Even though he suspects that Brian had another falling out with his father, he still hopes to hear of his approval regarding their relationship. He respects Mr. Kang, if only for the way that he’s entirely different from his own father. But it’s also because Jae can see that he really cares for Brian.

“Then I’m glad.” The older man gives him a gentle pat on the shoulder. Jae tries not to let it show how relieved he is. 

Mr. Kang continues, “I like you, Jae. I never got to say this before but, I’m really grateful that you’re by his side. Please let him know that I’m sorry, that he can come to me for anything, and that I’m always ready to listen.”

Jae’s eyes flit between Mr. Kang’s. In them, he sees hints of sadness, longing, and regret. He sees it in the bags of his eyes, the seemingly ever-present wrinkle between his eyebrows, and the worry lines on his forehead and just above his high cheekbones. Saw it in the way he whipped his head to look down the stairs after Brian’s laughter rang loudly through the walls. 

Whatever they fought about, it really must’ve been something bad that this much longing still doesn't seem enough to push him to go down there and just talk to his son. 

Right then, Jae decides he wants to help. He remembers how, whenever Brian thinks he isn’t looking, his boyfriend gets a faraway look in his sharp eyes. And how, whenever Brian takes him to his room, he avoids going out after Mr. Kang gets home from work.

He already has a broken and unmendable relationship with his father, and though their circumstances are completely different, he doesn’t want Brian to suffer the same fate. He’s lucky he still has his mother; Brian only has Mr. Kang left. 

“I will, uncle.” He promises, meaning every word.

“Thanks, Jae.” Mr. Kang ruffles the top of his hair before finally walking down the hall.

It’s such a tender and fatherly gesture that it squeezes Jae’s heart. 

  
  


Back in the living room and after handing Dowoon the charger, Brian gives him a curious look.

“What took you so long?”

“I used your bathroom.” He lies at first, instantly feeling bad as he plops down to his seat. 

He sees that their pizzas have arrived while he was away and it’s Wonpil playing against Sungjin now on the television. Looks like Dowoon lost.

Pleased, Brian happily makes a move to lay back down on his lap. However, as he thinks about Mr. Kang’s words from upstairs and of Brian constantly pretending that things are fine with them, he can’t seem to put off talking about it any longer. 

“Hey, Bri?” He starts hesitantly.

“Yeah?” Brian’s eyes are glued to the game, a plate full of two slices of pizza, hawaiian for him and pepperoni for Jae, sitting on the armrest off to his right. 

“Babe,” Jae calls again, drawing his boyfriend’s attention to him, “you know you can tell me anything, right?”

A worried frown crumples Brian’s features. Wordlessly, he gives him a nod to continue.

Jae decides to come clean. “I just talked to your dad upstairs and he told me to tell you that he’s sorry.” He sees Brian tense but he surges on. “I noticed that you’ve been avoiding him for a month now. What happened between you two?”

The other glances away from him for a bit, looking conflicted that Jae just wants nothing but to take those words back. But it doesn’t matter now, he’s already said them out loud and all that’s left to do is wait and prepare to pick up the pieces in case Brian crumbles before him.

Across the couch, he reaches a hand to one of his boyfriend’s knees, giving him a reassuring squeeze. Telling him that he’s right here, sharing a silent promise of _I got you. I'm right here, however you need me._

Brian visibly relaxes at the touch. He covers Jae’s hand in his before sneaking it underneath his palm so that he can intertwine their fingers together. 

Looking him in the eye, Jae sees something solidify in his expression. Brian has finally decided. He flashes him an encouraging smile in return.

“Tomorrow, I’m taking you somewhere. I’ll tell you everything when we get there. I promise.”

Feeling proud, Jae gives a quick nod before leaning over to place a soft kiss on his forehead. 

“Thanks, Bri.” He whispers against his skin. _For being brave enough to talk. And for trusting me with it._

He feels Brian’s grip tighten, letting him know that his silent message has been received.

  
  


The next day, as he’s sitting on the passenger seat of Brian’s car, he savors the feel of Brian’s hand in his, solid and strong. He doesn’t ask where the other is taking him, he simply lets Brian lead and knowing full well that he’ll follow him wherever he goes. 

A familiar song is playing on the radio but the volume has been turned down so that it’s distant, just a constant background noise on top of the soft purring of the engine. The afternoon sun is starting to set off in the horizon, bathing everything in bright hues and shades of yellows and oranges.

Brian looks golden under this light, his features looking even more striking. He looks unrealistically beautiful on the driver’s seat and it makes Jae’s heart flutter. The windows are rolled halfway down and the wind is strong enough to rustle their hairs but not so intrusive that it’s difficult to appreciate it. 

He begins playing with Brian’s fingers on his lap, absentmindedly tracing the lines on his palm and mapping invisible ones up his arm. They’ve been driving for over fifteen minutes now. Even though he tries to pay attention to the streets as they zoom past, he easily gets distracted by the person behind the wheel. And so, he quickly stopped trying to gauge where they were heading, and stopped wondering after they left the outskirts of their town.

But then, after a few more minutes of driving on the freeway, Brian takes an exit that leads them to a much different looking neighborhood. The buildings are sparsely located and there seems to be more establishments than houses. They follow a thin winding road still, tall and magestic trees towering along the roadside, until finally, the car stalls near a closed-off private area.

The walls are covered in well-maintained bushes and vines blooming with tiny white flowers. The gate is so tall that Jae can’t see the top of it from where he’s seated inside the car. But on the side of it, there’s a fancy-looking plaque that says what the place is for: an exclusive cemetery with a collection of impressive looking mausoleums built around the perimeter. 

He quickly looks to Brian, surprised.

But the other doesn’t meet his gaze right away as he speaks to the guards on the gate.

“Lily Kang.” He tells him with a reverent tone.

“ID, please.” One of them asks, perhaps following a protocol, even though they seem to already recognize Brian from the way they nodded their heads in a quick greeting.

After he presents his student card, they finally press a button to open the gates. Inside is a huge expanse of green fields dotted with evenly-spaced, old stone plates bearing names and dates, the occasional trees here and there, some clustered together, some standing in their lonesome, and then there are the statues with cherubic faces carrying harps, violins, and other classic musical instruments. The graves are farther apart than an average cemetery, giving each some semblance of privacy for visiting family members and friends.

From what Jae can see, there are only a few other people in there at the moment, definitely more than a handful but also not more than twenty. Although, that’s not including the ones he can’t see inside the many mausoleums.

The entire place is quiet and peaceful. The air is still, all you can hear are the sound of birds chirping from a distance. It’s calming to be here. A huge contrast to all of the heavy emotions that people usually bring into places like this.

He doesn’t say anything as Brian parks the car on the lot near the gates. He doesn’t protest as his boyfriend lets go of their intertwined hands. And Brian doesn’t talk either. Jae simply walks beside him as Brian leads, already knowing his way around this maze of gravestones. Of all the places he thought Brian would bring him today, this never occurred to him. 

After walking a few yards, they stop near the one with an abundant bouquet of purple tulips placed on top of it. Glancing sideways, he sees a crack in his boyfriend’s otherwise impassive expression at the sight of it. 

“Bri?” Jae checks in with him, placing a comforting hand on the small of his back. He feels the other lean into the touch.

“That was mom’s favorite flower.” He explains. “Dad always used to give it to her before.”

“Then he must’ve come here often.” Jae notes carefully, eyeing the relatively fresh flowers and the many other wilted ones behind it.

“Yeah.” Brian sniffles, reaching a hand up to quickly wipe away a tear that Jae pretends he didn’t see. “And he never took me with him.” He adds with a bitter tone.

Taking the initiative, Jae sits down on the grass.

“Hi, there, Mrs. Kang.” He greets with a friendly tone. “I’m Jae, Brian’s boyfriend.” He powers through the shyness that creeps up his chest. “I would have loved to meet you. Thanks for raising Brian to be the way he is now, affectionate, loving, kind, and the most annoying person I ever met.” Brian lets out a chuckle from behind him. He pauses to give the other a tender smile. “He loves you _so much,_ Mrs. Kang. And I’m sure, wherever you are now, you’re incredibly proud of the person he’s becoming.”

Brian leans down to press a soft kiss on top of his head. His eyes are shining and the tears are freely falling down his cheeks now. 

Jae gently pats the space on the grass to his left. As Brian takes the invitation, he watches as his boyfriend reaches for one stem of a tulip. The bud hadn’t been in full bloom before it was picked out, the tips nearly enclosed around each other. But its purple color is the fullest among the rest.

“Sorry I haven’t been back in a while, mom. The last few months have been crazy.” Brian stares at the quote engraved on the stone. _‘Our world shined brighter because she once lived in it.’_ He catches Jae reading it and explains, “Dad chose that sentence. Had it carved similar to mom’s handwriting as well.

“It’s beautiful.” Jae traces the scribbling lines, appreciating how imperfectly elegant they look.

“You know, when mom died, it felt as if it wasn’t just her that I lost.” Brian continues, transferring his gaze to the flower. Jae places a hand on his thigh as encouragement. “It’s around that time my dad stopped functioning as my dad, in a way. It’s like he’s put this safe distance between us. Did you know that he and mom used to call me Younghyun?” He glances at Jae. He shakes his head in response. “And like a week after she died, I was suddenly Brian to him. He just started using the name other people used to call me outside our family. Then after that, he slowly stopped coming to watch my games, both basketball and lacrosse. I told myself that, ‘okay, dad’s grieving. He didn’t want to do the things he and mom used to do together,’ but then, why did it have to be at my expense? Why did I have to suffer for it? And right when I needed him most, he started working longer hours so I was always just left alone at home.” He sniffles, wiping furiously at his cheeks. His tears are coming continuously now, unbidden and unable to be held back.

Jae reaches from his back pocket to fish for a handkerchief. Ironically, it’s one of _his_ mom’s gifts to him. It’s the calming color of green, with the four corners embroidered with laurel patterns. He goes to wipe Brian’s face with it before handing it to him. Instead, he just combs his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair, keeping his bangs out of his line of sight.

Brian leans closer to his side. “The thing is, I completely understand where he’s coming from. But that doesn’t mean that I can just order myself not to feel neglected, right? For a couple of years, we went like that. I learned to be a bit more independent. I finally got my own car so that I didn’t need him to drive me around anymore. It’s like we forgot how to act close around each other, much less talk openly about how we’ve been doing day-to-day. And then, on the third anniversary of mom’s death, he flew off to Vegas so suddenly and when he got back, he now had his new wife, Stella, in tow. They eloped when I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend in the first place. For three months! Imagine that? 

“And as if that wasn’t enough, she then started living in our house and claimed the things that used to belong to my mom. I had to set my foot down just to make sure she wouldn’t touch mom’s library. But apparently, she held that as a grudge against me because earlier this year, I caught her trying on mom’s old jewelry, even ones that were gifts from my grandparents. We got into a huge fight about it, and when she tried to grab them from my hands, I pulled away at the exact moment. She ended up falling down a flight of stairs, and that’s when everything went to absolute shit in my life.”

Jae sucks in a breath. _This_ is the real reason why Brian ended up on juvenile probation? That he was just defending his mother’s belongings and memories? He doesn’t deserve the kind of punishment he got for it.

“But why was it written on the papers that you pushed her?” He pulls him closer. “That you physically assaulted her?”

Brian snorts. “Because that’s what she said when the police officers came to the hospital. But what’s worse is my dad backed her up. Everything lined up in her story. That I was acting up because I wanted her out of our house, that I couldn’t get over the loss of my mom, and so I lashed out at her. And again, as if _that_ wasn’t enough, the three days I spent at that holding cell were the worst days of my life.”

As he heard a sob escape Brian’s mouth, Jae quickly puts his arms around him in an embrace. He feels fiercely protective all of a sudden. It’s tearing his heart to pieces. Brian must’ve been so lost, lonely, and terrified back then. 

“In there, they shared stories I never asked for. Said I’d end up being like them, that this was where things usually start. They told me of all the things people would do to me in prison. That I’d get beaten up constantly just because my dad is friends with a police captain, or that I’d become someone’s bitch because I’m ‘young, fresh, and pretty,’ they said. Some guy was passed out on one corner with so much dried blood on his face. Some lady even offered to give me molly even though we were _inside_ the precinct.” Brian’s breath hitches so Jae starts rubbing circles on his back. Such a simple gesture seems futile in fighting off those horrible memories but he can’t just do nothing.

Brian once told him that his father meant to teach him a lesson that’s why he made all of that happen. But for the love of god, all it ever did was traumatize Brian. Mr. Kang probably meant well and he was just misguided, but _come on_ , leaving your own son in that kind of environment? Jae’s anger boils just from thinking about it. 

“Oh, Bri.” He empathizes, trying to rein in his own emotions. “I’m _so_ sorry you had to go through all of that. Babe, they can’t touch you, okay? Not now, not ever. And you only have about two weeks left of probation, you got this. Me, Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon, we’ll all make sure you get through it. We’re almost there, my love.”

He feels Brian grip the front of his shirt, creating wet patches with his tears. Jae lets him, even leaning down to press feather-light kisses on his face. He’s murmuring sweet promises and words of assurance to him. With every sob that escaped Brian’s lips, the sound of it breaks Jae’s heart over and over.

How do you even fight something like this? He’s painfully aware that kisses and words aren’t enough. He feels powerless against this. 

For years, he’s been so used to channeling all of his hatred and anger towards his father. And in a sense, his own situation is simpler because he can direct all of that negative emotion towards one enemy, a real, living person. But this right now? Brian’s trauma, grief, and the remnants of what must’ve been a wonderful relationship he had with Mr. Kang? You can’t just fight this, stand up to the problem, and be done with it. This is the kind of thing that takes years to forget. And even then, some people still don’t manage to get through it.

He hugs Brian tighter to his body, feeling his own eyes start pooling with wetness in them. He tries to be strong for him and for the both of them as he encourages Brian to let it all out. He hopes this at least helps lessen the weight he’s been secretly carrying around. He hopes Brian knows that they can share this burden together. For the next few minutes, that’s all he does; he keeps hoping. For Brian and Mr. Kang’s relationship to mend itself back, for him to stop being afraid of his father and learn to start fighting back, and for them to always find solace in each other’s embrace, to be each other’s home on times like this. 

Some time later in the afternoon, with Brian’s tears drying on his face long before, they finally get off the grass. Jae walks away first, letting Brian have a quiet conversation with his mom’s grave as goodbye and make a promise to come back. So when his boyfriend finally joins him a minute later, he grabs his hand to press a soft kiss on the back of it. And because he’s grateful that Brian trusts him enough to let himself be vulnerable, he leans in to give him a kiss fully on the mouth. He lets it linger, swallowing the sigh that escapes Brian.

“I’m so proud of you, Bribri.” He whispers against his lips. 

Brian winds an arm around his waist. “I’m glad you’re here with me.”

“Well, not that I’m complaining,” they begin walking back to the parking lot, “but you did drive me here.”

In retaliation, Brian chuckles as he pinches one of Jae’s buttcheeks.

Jae yelps, instinctively stepping away from him. And when his boyfriend wiggles his fingers threateningly at him, about to repeat what he just did, Jae makes a run for it. The sound of Brian’s laughter rings behind him, light, bright, and carefree, as they chase each other all the way to the car.

They arrive back at Brian’s house a short while later. Thankfully, the traffic has been surprisingly light and so the ride going back was quicker than it was earlier. It’s still early, right at the cusp between dusk and evening. The sky is painted with magnificent shades of orange and purple. They have a little less than an hour left to spend together before Jae’s father gets home. It’s pushing it a bit too close but right now, he can’t bring himself to care. Staying with Brian and comforting him with his presence is definitely worth it.

They’re back in his room. Jae was grateful that they didn’t run into Mr. Kang on the way. It would’ve been too much too soon for Brian to handle.

They’re laid on the big bed facing each other. There’s soft music playing from Brian’s phone on the desk. And they’re currently exchanging random stories between them. 

Like how Jae’s favorite childhood memory was when his mother gifted him his first ever badminton set. And in his excitement, he broke one of the rackets the very next day.

Or how Brian once got into so much trouble because he hollowed out the pages of his mom’s favorite book to create a secret hiding place with it. He was trying to channel Sherlock Holmes, he said. Also in his defense, he was only ten that time.

Jae laughs so hard he rests his head on the crook of Brian’s neck. He just imagined what his boyfriend looked like as he got caught. Wide eyes plagued with guilt, cheeks full and fluffy, and chubby hands still clutching the sharp pair of scissors he found in one of his mom’s drawers. Probably holding a magnifying glass too just to complete the look. It’s such an adorably devastating sight.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep laughing.” Brian feigns taking offense. But he drops it immediately because of how contagious Jae’s laugh is—so bright, youthful, and lacking reservations.

“Little Younghyunie must’ve been a handful, huh?” Jae teases as he pinches Brian’s cheeks.

However, he suddenly catches Brian staring at him, gazing and looking so loving that he feels it all the way to his chest. 

“What?” He asks, giving him a shy and tiny smile.

“Nothing.” Brian doesn’t return the smile but his eyes are alight. With a low and quiet voice, he tells him. “Come here, babe.” 

Leaning forward, he presses a kiss to Jae’s lips, stealing whatever follow-up question he had to ask. 

He melts into it, his hand cupping the back of Brian’s neck to hold him still. He feels Brian’s body move closer to his in bed, their thighs coming flushed together and chests barely an inch apart. They are _that_ close already. 

As their tongues dance and taste each other, Jae’s entire body feels alive with anticipation. For some reason, this feels different from all the kisses they shared before. Sure, they’ve made out plenty of times already. But it was never like this—with the both of them lying down in bed, Brian’s hand disappearing underneath the hem of his shirt as he explores the skin on Jae’s slim waist, and him gripping Brian’s hair.

He’s afraid that, if Brian decides to take this further, he himself wouldn’t want to stop. 

He feels like he’s on fire, electricity shooting up from the places on his skin that Brian touched him. And when Brian snakes his hand to the front and slips the tips of his fingers into the waistband of his pants, Jae isn’t able to stop himself from letting out a small whine.

Embarrassment paints his face red but the resulting sound that came from the back of Brian’s throat is enough to ease him. He sounds just as eager and needy as Jae already feels.

“What are you doing?” He whispers in an attempt to reel his emotions back in. He feels hot, alert. Every fiber in his body is being lit on fire by Brian’s fingers.

Brian continues to slowly map invisible lines across his torso. “I just… We’ve had a really long day.”

Jae barks out a soft chuckle. “That’s not a good enough reason why you’re doing this.” 

“It is to me.” Brian counters with a subtle grin. 

He almost whimpers loudly when he feels Brian’s fingers graze one of his nipples, already stiffened and pert. To quiet himself, he quickly leans in to reconnect their lips. He lets Brian drink the sounds from his own. 

“Jae,” Brian breaks away from the kiss after a while, already panting and his voice breathy as he asks, “can you please try calling me Younghyun at least once in a while?”

Affection floods his chest as soon as he sees the longing hiding behind Brian’s eyes. He doesn’t have an ounce of strength in him to deny his boyfriend of it, not that he even wanted to do so in the first place. 

Placing a chaste kiss on Brian’s forehead, Jae whispers against his skin, “Okay, Younghyun.”

As soon as the words leave his lips, Brian surges into him in a deep kiss. The force of it is enough to roll Jae onto his back, ultimately making Brian lean over him as they kissed. Mouths lapping at each other and hands bravely exploring their way underneath the soft fabric of the other’s shirt, Jae feels Brian adjust himself until he’s fully laid on top of him.

Excitement pools in his belly at the sudden closeness and the intimacy behind it. He swears to all things holy that he just felt Brian’s tent nudge against his thigh. 

And he’s actually no better, his pants suddenly feel too tight and restricting.

He’s definitely not new to the feeling of arousal, of being turned on to the point that it clouds his better judgment. After all, on times he’s stressed, he relieves it with a hand on himself. And even when he just felt like he’s in the mood for it, he’d do it late at night too, coming from the mental image of someone else’s hand—faceless and nameless—jerking him off.

He wants to explore every aspect in their relationship, wants to experience it with Brian guiding him from start to finish.

Unfortunately, his mind won’t shut up long enough to let him keep it going. All he can think about is, what if he’s not yet ready? What if he won’t be able to make Brian feel good? What if Brian doesn’t like what he sees? He’s not exactly sexy. He’s tall, lean, and nothing but long limbs. The only thing he thinks he’s got going for him are his lips, if Brian’s non stop praises to them are to be believed.

What if Brian sees all of his scars? Will he start seeing him differently then?

That’s the one he’s worried about the most.

He has no doubt that he longs to do this with Brian, wishes to do it soon. The fluttering of his heart and the heat in his belly are more than enough to prove it. However, he also feels like this isn’t the right time. He’s still too in over his head to fully enjoy it. 

He wants to have his first time with Brian when he’s physically, emotionally, mentally present. It’s what both of them deserve.

“You okay?” As usual, Brian senses his hesitation. 

He tries not to flinch as one of Brian’s fingers gets close to the small yet ugly collection of scars on his left side. They’re from a lit cigarette ruining his otherwise pale and smooth skin. 

He reaches a hand up to stop Brian from touching them.

“Yeah, I’m good, Bri.” He assures him by plastering on a smile.

Unfortunately, Brian sees right through it.

“What’s wrong?” His face crumples in a worried frown. “Am I being too forward? I’m so sorry, Jae. I just, when you said my name, I just—”

Jae interrupts him with a kiss. “It’s okay. I wanted to, um,” he flushes, “I want to do it with you, too.” With a heavy breath, he shares, “I’m just scared that you won’t like what you see underneath all of this.” He gestures to his clothes.

Brian’s eyes soften at his words. “Jae, nothing will ever change the way I see you. We’re both a little rough around the edges, carrying our own emotional baggage, but if anything, that only makes me love you more.”

Jae’s surprised when he feels a lone tear stains his cheek. Brian kisses it away.

“Here we go again.” He chuckles at himself, remembering the night of the sleepover. “We need to stop crying in each other’s rooms like this.”

“Would you prefer to cry under different circumstances in my room then?” Brian wiggles his eyes suggestively. 

Jae barks out a laughter, loud and bright.

“There’s my Jae.” Brian nuzzles the tip of his nose to one of Jae’s cheeks and gets his glasses askew. “We don’t have to do anything now, just making out and feeling each other are more than perfect for me.”

Jae lets the assurance wash over him, getting comforted almost quickly. As he thinks back on how vulnerable Brian permitted himself to be back in front of Mrs. Kang’s grave, he feels himself gather strength from it.

Wordlessly, he slowly lifts the hem of his shirt to reveal his scars. He hears Brian suck in a breath, one hand hovering over the ones on the side of his left rib cage. 

“I don’t know why I was so scared you’d see these before but…” he trails off, fully taking off his shirt and baring himself open, all for Brian to see. 

Brian is quiet but his eyes shine with absolute reverence. Jae feels himself get stronger from it too.

“These are from two years ago when I accidentally got my father’s cigarette pack wet.” He shares, shivering lightly as Brian’s fingers ghost over the faded scattering of scars.

“And this one was when he threw a crushed bottled can of beer on me, the sharp part snagging on my skin.” He points to a thin pink line on his right pectoral. “It happened right at the end of junior year.”

“Jae…” Brian breathes out. “Thank you. For trusting me to see them.” His fingers trace lightly over his skin. Leaning forward, he asks, “May I?”

Jae isn’t sure what he was asking permission for, but he grants it all the same. 

And when Brian’s lips connect with the scar on his chest, he feels a delightful shudder run down his spine. No one has touched him like that before. And god, he revels in it.

Brian has put more pressure on his kisses as he moves across Jae’s torso before coming to rest on the small circular scars, kissing them one after another. Almost as if he’s committing them to memory. 

For a while, Jae lets Brian worship his body, feeling heat spread under his skin like wildfire. The sensation of Brian gently nipping at his skin, followed by his tongue on him, and soft lips finding their favorite spots, Jae can tell that he’s already hard in his briefs. Based on his inexperience and giddy excitement, he knows he won’t last long. And unfortunately, _or not?_ , Brian can tell.

“I want to make you feel good, babe.” His breath, hot and wet, fans over his pert buds. “Will you let me?”

As Jae meets his gaze, he sees nothing but love, trust, and fierce protectiveness in them. And maybe there’s a hint of lust too, mirroring the ones shining through his glasses. 

With a silent yet unmistakable nod, he offers himself for Brian to do what he will. His eyes trace every move Brian makes, focusing on his hand as it ghosts over the tent in his pants. 

He holds back a moan as he arches his back off the bed. Brian doesn’t make him wait long as he quickly undoes the button and fly. However, his fingers hesitate on the waistband of Jae’s underwear.

“Younghyun, _please…_ ” Jae breathes out, making Brian’s eyes darken with desire. 

And when Brian finally holds him, circling his fingers, and stroking along the length, Jae’s spilling in Brian’s hand and on his own belly in no time.

After Jae recovered, got dressed, kissed Brian a few more, and had his boyfriend drive him home, he’s sporting the dopiest smile on his face as he’s stepping into their front door. He's practically glowing. He made it home with time to spare, twelve minutes to be exact. He kisses his mother’s cheek in greeting, with her eyes wiggling suggestively as she eyes the new navy blue letterman jacket he’s wearing, Jae quickly disappears to his room to stuff it in his closet. 

‘B. KANG’ in bold white font is stitched in the back. It’s what Brian used to wear to his lacrosse games. His boyfriend gave it to him as some sort of a sweet reminder of what they did in his room. A token for this significant development in their relationship, no matter how new it is. And, well, to cover the small wet stain on the hem after they missed a spot cleaning with some tissues that resulted from their delightful activity.

He’s pleased with himself for being brave enough to let it happen. For not shying away. He’ll never forget the way Brian’s lips worshipped his scars. 

Other than Brian making him feel good, they didn’t exactly go all the way. But that’s okay. The things they did, the intimate nature behind it, it’s almost like they did so much more. It _feels_ so much more.

Besides, they still have plenty of time and opportunities ahead to finally do it for the first time.

And as he’s laying in bed that night, mind wandering back to the eventful afternoon that he and Brian had, he goes to sleep with his chest feeling the lightest it’s ever been.


	9. but still, i find you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which brian almost goes too far until jae is there to pull him back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the rating from T to M because of non-graphic violence and now with the addition of non-explicit suggestive scenes in chapters 8 and (pre-planned) 10. I figured it’s better to err on the side of caution than to risk underrating a fic.
> 
> That being said, **slight trigger warning: there’s violence and mentions of blood in this chapter.**
> 
> Now, let’s escape into fiction, shall we?

Jae used to hate weekends. It often means that his father doesn’t have to go to work; he’d get bored out of his mind and restless so he found reasons to throw a fit that Jae always had to endure. But aside from the saving graces that required that man to go out of town for work during those two days, him having overtime during weekends is one of the things Jae prays for the most. 

To his father, it means more money is coming in but that doesn’t necessarily mean he liked working, or that the amount of labor he had to put in equally weighed with the pay. And that fact alone often made him grumpy. It’s a touchy subject to his already-pissy and bad excuse of a father. Jae just thinks it’s a huge blow to his ego, if anything.

Somehow, this one weekend seems to be one of those few exceptions if only for the sole reason that Jae’s elation and leftover emotions from last night still lingered in his body. He woke up this Saturday morning feeling happy for once. 

While his father is away buying supplies and groceries at the local market, late morning finds Jae sitting with his mom in the living room. 

“So, how was yesterday?” She asks with a lift of her brow, the kind that could get away with looking innocent enough to be believed. 

Jae isn’t fooled though. After all, he does tell her everything about his and Brian’s relationship.

Well, not down to the _details_ at least.

A gentle smile fixates itself on his features. “He took me to Mrs. Kang’s grave, mom.”

Understanding sparks in his mother’s eyes. The two creases just above her eyebrows are lifted, looking pleased.

“That’s so brave of him, sweetheart.” His mom places a hand on his knee, warm and reassuring. “It must’ve taken a lot for him to do that. When is he coming back here so that I can personally tell him that I’m proud of him?”

“I’ll go ask him later.” Jae replies as he checks the time on the clock by the wall behind the television. 

They have a date a little later in the afternoon. Brian’s going to pick him up at the park outside their neighborhood just to be sure. Brian plans to go shopping at the mall a town over and he wants Jae’s opinion. After all, he said he’s buying Jae a new wristwatch as a gift, waving away his protests and not taking no for an answer. Jae already had permission to go from his father by using their English project as an excuse. Convincing him wasn’t easy at first, but since his mom backed him up, and his father having no reason to doubt their words as he’s still pretty much in the dark, he’s finally allowed to go.

“By the way,” Mrs. Park perks up, eyes holding a different kind of glint in them. Her voice adopts a conspiratorial tone as she says, “don’t think I haven’t noticed that you got home yesterday wearing Brian’s jacket. Or that you rushed to your room as if you’re hiding something.”

Jae studies the knowing look on her face. And for a second, he feels like nothing he says will convince her that they were innocent and didn’t do anything else yesterday. He did secretly wash his stained shirt and boxers late last night in the bathroom. He wonders if his mother noticed them drying by the hangers in the backyard.

Unable to meet her eyes as heat paints his face red, he mumbles a response. “Yeah, he gave it to me after we—” he catches himself, cheeks heating up once more, “I mean, before he drove me home. Said he didn’t want me to get cold. Or something…” 

“Jae.”

Her voice lets him know that she’s not buying it. Somehow, Jae is suddenly sure that she knows. His palms turn sweaty. He can’t seem to stop his fingers from playing with the throw pillows on the couch. Pushing his glasses up his nose, he braves to meet her gaze, curious about her reaction. He’s not exactly scared in a sense that he’s filled with dread. But he is nervous. This is his mom, after all. He’s not really sure what he’s looking for in her expression, as this all seems new to him, but when he sees that it’s still the same understanding in her eyes that greets him, relief floods his chest.

She continues, her grip on him tightening, “I know that everything’s going good between you two. And I also know that Brian is a good kid. I trust you both. Son, I guess all I’m saying is, never go into something if you’re not a hundred percent sure of it.”

Jae looks away at that. He doesn’t want her to see just how certain he already feels for wanting to experience this with his boyfriend. Last night is such a strong reminder of what he’s been yearning for all those months of being with Brian. And he can tell that Brian feels the same, judging by how turned on he was just from getting Jae off yesterday. This is what their hungry kisses and bold touches are leading up to. It’s bound to happen soon, he hopes. 

She removes her hand only to cup his face, directing his eyes back to hers. “Sweetheart, don’t get shy on me over things like this, okay? I want you to come to me if you have a question or just to tell me how you feel.” He nods in assent. “So, tell me. Am I right for assuming?”

He shakes his head the slightest bit. “We… We did other things. But no, we didn’t fully do it yet.”

“Do you want to do it?”

“With Brian, _yes_.” He breathes out, his voice barely above a whisper. “I really want to.” 

His body sags with the admission. Saying it out loud somehow solidifies it, like it’s only a matter of time now before it actually happens. It riddles him with nervous excitement and warm anticipation.

She flashes him a soft smile, her kind eyes calming his nerves. “Then don’t be afraid to talk to him about the things you want to try, the things you don’t, and the things you’re afraid of. Wanting this is normal. Not wanting this is normal too. I just want you and Brian to be careful. Promise me you’ll do it safely, okay?”

“Okay.” He repeats. And when she cocks an eyebrow at him, waiting, he scrambles to add, “I mean, I promise.”

“Good.” She pats his cheeks, once, twice, before finally pulling away.

It’s refreshing how it’s his mom who’s giving him _the talk_. When he was little, back when everything was still normal and they were still a well-functioning family, he expected one day to hear those words come from his father’s lips. But as it turns out, for more than three years now, it was his mom who rightfully took on the role of being his father too. In fact, she’s doing it so much better than the real one ever did. Their family dynamic has shifted so much and Jae has only ever been emotionally dependent on his mother since then. 

“Being in love and equally getting loved back feels wonderful, doesn’t it?” She sounds wistful. Jae can’t be too sure but he detects the slightest hint of sadness in her tone. He wonders if she’s remembering the good old days, back when his parents must’ve been in love. Much unlike the kind of marriage they have now, nothing but stilted and carefully measured conversations shared in between.

“So wonderful, mom.” He shares truthfully, in hopes that gushing about Brian and what their relationship means to him will ease the look on her face. In a way, he wants to assure her that despite the three horrible years he’d suffered under his father’s scrutiny, cutting words, and heavy hand, he still found himself in a loving relationship. 

He feels encouraged after seeing how her features brighten just as quickly as they had dimmed. Looking back to his lap and with a shy smile on his face, he pictures his favorite look on Brian—sharp slanted eyes shining bright, cheekbones high on his face, and head thrown back in a laugh, loud and carefree. 

His own smile widens some more as he continues, “It’s like, no matter how tired I feel, or how hopeless and sad, just one smile, hug, or kiss from him is enough to chase those feelings away. I love that he always reminds me it’s just a bad day, not a bad life. And whenever he tells me things he’s never told anyone before, I feel like I’m the most special person on earth. He makes me feel vulnerable. And he also makes me want to be strong. For him, for myself, and for the both of us. He just… he makes me happy. I’ve honestly never been this happy before, this alive and always looking forward to tomorrow. And it’s scary because half the time, I don’t even know what to do with myself. This is all new to me but the one thing I’m sure of is that wherever Brian goes, I’ll follow. God, mom, I love him so much.”

He takes another glance at her, only to see that she’s put on a watery smile the whole time she listened. “That’s really sweet, hon. I’m inexplicably happy for you two, I really am.”

He groans, covering his face in embarrassment. “Don’t look at me like that, mom. I know I sounded so cheesy. Don’t let Brian know I said those things or else he’ll never let me hear the end of it.”

“Ooh, will he now?”

He just groans some more, as if chagrined that Brian has built a comfortable friendship with his mother all on his own. The truth is, he loves that whenever the two of them deems it is safe for Brian to visit their home at least for a few minutes after dropping him off from one of their dates, Brian would often chat with his mother with a warm familiarity. They even had an inside joke about knitting needles, much to Jae’s surprise. After he wore Brian down to tell him how they got this close without him noticing, his boyfriend said that they’ve been exchanging texts lately. He’d been sending her pictures of Mrs. Kang’s old craft supplies and failed knitting projects. 

It fills his chest with this kind of gentle warmth, its roots taking a permanent claim in his heart. 

“What?” His mother asks, playfully defensive. “I think it’s cute. And I know Brian would love to hear it too.” She finishes with a wiggle of her eyebrows, teasing.

He lets out a sigh in defeat. There’s no use dissuading her from conspiring with Brian against him anyway. Brian definitely has his own way of charming people enough to get them to let him in. Jae would know, he actually fell for the guy, hard. Those things written about Brian almost six months ago in the local newspapers were a far cry to who he actually is as a person. If only the people who were so quick to write him off as a hopeless troublemaker had actually _met_ him, they’d see that, despite the grief and emotional trauma he’s been carrying, he still brings light into every room that he enters.

A beat of silence falls between them after that. His mother’s bright and playful demeanor has softened to that of contemplation as she remains looking at Jae but her gaze actually seems far away. She’s probably lost to a memory and all Jae can hope for is that it’s something happy.

It is then, as he’s watching her openly and more closely, that he sees the tired lines surrounding her eyes, the tenseness in her shoulders that never seem to completely relax, and the phantom aches that often plague her legs giving off this subtle air of restlessness that clings to her skin and makes itself known in her wary movements.

For so long, he’s kept his worries of his mother’s well-being to himself, kept from voicing it out in an attempt to pretend that all of this doesn’t exist. That everything’s swell and normal. He once stopped pestering her about it after seeing how much it made her uncomfortable, which then ultimately made him feel frustrated. Looking at his mother again, he realizes with startling clarity that he can’t just keep quiet about it anymore. They’ve been tiptoeing around this conversation for too long. It’s time he faces the music and demands something his mother so clearly had been avoiding to hear before.

And this might just be another result of his newfound braveness and determination to fight for himself, no matter how quietly and in small but significant ways he’s doing them, but right now, he doesn’t dare question the reason why he’s feeling this at the moment. Instead, he draws enough courage from it until nothing seems to stop him from finally asking the one question he’s been dying to know the answer to for more than three years.

“Mom, why do you stay with him?” 

There’s a sudden intensity in his gaze. His tone is pleading, not only for her to give an actual answer but also for her to make it convincing. Because no matter how hard he tried to come up with viable reasons, nothing seems enough to justify staying with the kind of man his father has become. He just can’t, for the life of him, understand what his sweet and caring mother still sees in that empty husk of a person he once was.

She sucks in a breath, taken by surprise with where their conversation has been led to. But instead of feeling guilty enough to take it back and apologize for calling out their pretensions of believing that their family’s current setup is still manageable, if not healthy, Jae only holds her gaze, strong and steady. He won’t let off until he gets an answer. Hopefully one that she hasn’t given before.

Seeming to read it on his face, his mother lets out a long breath. All of her years seem more evident in her face as she starts, “Jae, you do crazy things for the people that you love. Sacrificing yourself becomes easy and almost second nature. And suddenly, you realize that there’s a whole lot more you’re willing to endure all for them.” She goes quiet after that, fixing him with a tender and meaningful look.

His mother has never looked stronger than she does at this moment.

But strong or not, it doesn’t mean that Jae has to accept her reason. Nor is he even willing to hear more about it. It’s the same song, still with the same words in it. It’s nothing new.

His heart is torn to pieces. _Does she really love him this much? Even now?_

So then, there’s no rhyme or reason after all. He has hoped for something, some grand scheme to play her husband the fool as payback for hurting her and their son. Really, he was willing to hear anything other than the answer that she’s just staying in this sham of a marriage out of love, no matter how misguided and undeserved it seems. He suddenly feels powerless, the fight leaving him for a brief moment. How else can he convince her to file a divorce on grounds of domestic abuse in order to get financial settlement? How can he plan their future ahead if they’re going to stay stagnant here and remain fully dependent on his father?

He wants to shake his mother awake, make her see the things she’s adamantly turning a blind eye to. He knows she’s aware of her husband’s quick temper and striking hands. How much more is she willing to take, is willing for her own son to take, before she decides enough is enough? 

Jae wants to plead with her, beg for her to understand how it will hurt him less if his mother decides to pull the plug on this family rather than to keep it going.

And he’s actually about to say the words to her face too, that is until his father comes storming in from the front door, footsteps heavy with intent. 

The usual dread and cold fear he feels whenever his father enters his vicinity has been pleasantly absent in his system ever since he decided to start reclaiming things for himself. It’s a welcome change. Still, Jae doesn’t forget to play his role as ‘the perfect son’.

Mr. Park looks between them first, probably sensing the heavy tension in the air. But before his wife is able to quell the rising suspicion in his eyes, he angrily throws the paper bag Jae didn’t even realize he was holding down onto the floor. 

“What is this?” Mr. Park’s voice is venomous as he glares alternately at the two of them, eyes flitting with equal menace. 

Jae looks at the spilled item with confusion. “A sweater?”

His father curses sharply, impatient. “I know what it is!” He picks it up from the floor before jabbing it closer to the two of them. “I meant, what is the meaning of _this_?”

Jae still doesn’t understand what he’s supposed to see, but it’s clear to him that his father isn’t really expecting an answer but more of an explanation. He tries to get a closer look at the piece of clothing gripped tightly by his father’s hand but he’s at a complete loss.

He turns to give his mother a subtly exasperated look, as if to ask _what’s up with him?_ , but it dies down as soon as he sees the way she paled. Looking back at his father, Jae sees that he’s staring accusatively at her too.

This time, a different kind of dread creeps into his chest. He hates it whenever his father’s anger is directed at her. 

“Well?” Mr. Park demands, thrusting the sweater closer to her face.

His mother remains silent, suddenly not meeting her husband’s eyes.

“Tell me why _the hell_ did I find this at the mall!” Mr. Park continues his tirade, his voice increasingly getting louder. “Tell me that it’s just a coincidence, that you just copied that store’s fucking logo for god knows what reason!” He barks at his wife. “Tell me, goddammit!”

To his mom’s credit, she doesn’t flinch nor lean away from him. And Jae normally admires that about her, but with how angry his father is, he wishes she’d just lie and try to placate him for her sake.

“I can’t tell you that…” His mother responds, silent but steady.

“I fucking knew it.” Mr. Park aggressively throws the sweater to her lap. Jae releases a breath when his father turns away from her. That is until he’s now looking at Jae almost with the same accusation burning in his eyes.

“Park Jaehyung.” Fuck, he’s using Jae’s full Korean name now. This really can’t be a good sign. “Did you know about this?” 

He tries to quell the panic rising in him as he attempts to make sense of what’s happening. He looks back at the lavender paper bag on the floor, the words ‘Pretty Jaded’ printed in a fancy font on both sides, and on the beige sweater with the small familiar-looking logo with the letter J on one of the sleeves. 

And then, quick as lightning, it dawns on him why his father is furious.

_Oh god. No, I can’t be._

This is why Wonpil said the logo looks familiar? The reason why there’s a separate cabinet for the other sweaters, vests, and shirts in their laundry room? It all suddenly starts making sense, why his mom always seems to keep giving him gifts even without his father knowing—the wristwatch she gave him must’ve cost a fortune. His mom is almost always knitting and he used to wonder why. He should’ve tried harder to know more about where all of those clothes go. Apparently, this isn’t just a hobby of hers.

_Mom was able to keep this a secret? Even from me?_

“I’m— I don’t…” he mentally curses himself for stammering. “No, I didn’t know.”

Mr. Park ignores his words as he moves closer to Jae. His finger is pointed threateningly at his son. “Do you think of me as a fool? Have you got anything to say for yourself?”

Jae stares helplessly back at him, not knowing what to do.

Emotional abuse goes like this: years ago, once all the screaming began, Jae didn’t know any better so he tried to fight back. He thought that he was being brave. Standing strong for him and his mom. But when that only worked to provoke his father more, instigated more screaming, more raised voices and hands, he learned to grow silent. But then that only provokes more screaming too, though the physical threats were kept to a minimum. So then Jae believed that going silent _works_. 

He learned how to play nice, to quell his defiance, to push down his raging emotions. He learned to play dead. How to fake a smile and be polite, how to hold in his tears until he’s back in his room, and how to cry without making a noise. And when the time came that everything seemed to go back to normal, when there’s less screaming and fighting, he began to question the meaning behind every family dinner they shared after. He began to question how his father could simply ask him about school as they shared a casserole as if he never hurt his son before. He wanted to ask how he could still offer to drive him home from school as if they were still a fully functioning family. But since he already _learned_ , Jae just assured him that “school’s great, father,” and “thanks for the offer, father”. 

It doesn’t matter anymore if his father tells him he did a good job, praised him for another academic achievement, and gave an approving nod after their neighbors commented how lucky he is to have such a perfect son. None of it mattered because Jae had learned. He knew better now.

His first instinct is to apologize and promise to take responsibility for not knowing about his mother’s job, to do better the next time. But the faint sound of Brian’s voice in his head stops him from doing so. He gathers enough strength from it to realize that he also learned something new from being with his boyfriend. 

He doesn’t need to apologize for this. 

He’s not at fault here.

“I _said_ , I didn’t know.” This time, his voice is firm, laced heavy with a challenge as he meets his father’s gaze head-on.

“Jae.” His mother tells him in a warning voice. He just broke one of the unspoken rules in this house—do not provoke _him_.

Mr. Park’s jaw tightens at the tone Jae used to answer him. Jae can almost physically see the anger flaring all throughout the man’s features. Undeterred, his gaze remains leveled with his father’s.

This time, defiance radiates off of Jae. He’s no longer the meek, docile, and unassuming son that he’s expected to be. He breaks through the ‘perfect son’ false pretenses with every fiber in his being.

Mr. Park’s ego is once again bruised and as usual, he’s going to take it out on his son. Jae steels his nerves as he watches his father look like he’s sprung too tight and about to strike at any second.

True enough, Mr. Park takes an aggressive step towards him.

“Stop! He’s got nothing to do with this. He really didn’t know. Leave him alone!” His mother speaks up, interrupting her husband from getting any closer to Jae. She wheels her chair forward to put herself between father and son. “Yes, I have a job, okay? Sarah got me acquainted with her business partner who owns a locally famous clothing store more than three years ago. And not too soon, we ended up collaborating.” A short pause, a heavy breath is released, and Mrs. Park determinedly continues speaking with pride ringing true in every word. “They love my work so much that they sell a permanent collection of all the knitwear I make _and_ I get seventy percent of the sales they make from them. And then, I’ve been storing that money on a separate bank account all reserved for Jae to use. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Mr. Park roughly runs a hand over his face in frustration. With a barely restrained voice, he says, “I thought I made myself clear that _I’m_ the only one who’s supposed to work in this house.”

Jae hears his mother let out a noise, completely unamused. “Oh, get over yourself, Daejoon! Just because I’m resigned to this chair for the rest of my life, doesn’t mean I have to depend on you forever. I wanted to make myself useful for my son’s future, to ensure that he has a good one. And before you continue your tantrum, this has absolutely nothing to do with your ability to provide for this family. All I wanted was to do it for Jae, if you could just get it through that thick head of yours. But if that’s what you’ve been so adamant on claiming, then _fine_. Here’s the truth, I no longer want to entrust my son’s future in your hands.”

Mr. Park rears back as if he was slapped. His entire body tenses and his fists are clenched so tight his knuckles turned white. 

Jae feels himself freeze. This entire fight feels different. He doesn’t know what to expect and it terrifies him. Before, his mom has never talked back to her husband this way. He himself has never stood up to his father like this. But now that the cat’s out of the bag about his mom secretly working a steady job for the last few years, the entire dynamic of this family has been thrown in for a loop. They’re shook to the core and just one more shove might be enough to bring their household crumbling down.

“You have the fucking nerve to be ungrateful, Jiwoo.” Mr. Park stalks towards his wife the way a lion would a gazelle. Jae’s anxiety spikes as his mom holds her ground. It will be hard for him to protect her if she’s facing that man head-on. 

“Just because I’ve let you demand it for the last few years, doesn’t mean that I always have to answer to you.”

_Mom, stop please. Let me handle this._

In a split second, his father raises a hand on her. “Why you little—”

“—Don’t hurt her!” 

His father suddenly turns his attention to Jae, as if just remembering his existence. “And _you_! Don’t think I haven’t noticed all of your recent _shortcomings_.” Only his father has a certain way of saying normal words sound like an insult. At least all that anger is now being directed at him and not at his mom. “You’re lucky I was feeling oh, so generous to let them pass. You stopped showing me your schoolwork results at the end of the week even though you’ve been going to after school project meetings more recently, you’ve been avoiding conversations about how your college applications are going, and you stopped asking to be picked up from school whenever I don’t have overtime like the way you did during the start of the school year. What are you hiding from me, Jaehyung?”

“I’m not hiding anything, I don’t—”

“So if I just barge into your room right now and look through your things, you won’t have a problem with that?”

Jae’s hesitation to answer right away is more than enough for his father.

Mr. Park straightens to his full height before stomping towards Jae’s room. Panic seizes him as he rushes after his father, the clear image of Brian’s jacket hanging on the back of his closet right where he left it last night flashing in his mind. He should have hidden it better.

Mr. Park barrels past Jae’s door so hard its knob bounces on the wall adjacent to it. Jae stands frozen by the doorway as he watches his father tear through his room and create a mess out of wild fury. He’s flinging papers off Jae’s desk, throwing the pillows to the floor and removing the sheets. He flings the contents of Jae’s school bag everywhere. All Jae could do is watch it happen. At least his father still hasn’t found the jacket, hysterical humor almost makes him laugh at the absurdity that he’s still fixated on hiding that. He knows it won’t make a difference; his father is too far gone in his anger.

“What the hell are you doing to his things?” Jae hears his mother shout from behind him. “I know you’re mad at me, don’t take it out on him!”

Mr. Park whirls around to face them. In one hand, he’s gripping one of the sweaters Jae’s mom made for him. It’s an army green color, one of his favorites. 

“I will burn every bit of this I see in my house.”

“Will you calm down?!” Jae’s heart aches to hear his mom’s voice break.

“‘Calm down’?” His father repeats, the tilt of his head is nothing short of mocking. “After I found out my wife has been doing things behind my back for two years? Even after everything I’ve done for you, for this family?”

“You mean after every hand you laid on _my son_? About how you tried to control his life? And how about the time we found out I won’t be able to walk again, all of the aggressions you showed me were as if getting hit by a car was _my_ fault?” Mrs. Park wheels into the room despite the pleading looks Jae’s trying to give her. “We can keep going about this all night, Daejoon.”

“Oh, is that so?” His father’s voice has gone quiet, a telltale sign that Jae knows all too well. It’s indicative of what he’s planning to do next.

And as he surges towards his wife, his entire body shaking with anger, Jae bravely steps into his path. It all happens in the blink of an eye. His father grips his left arm before roughly flinging him to the wall, slamming his body against it hard. He feels his shoulder pop out of its socket from the force and sharp, blinding pain momentarily knocks him unaware as he slips to the floor. He might’ve hit his head as well with how much his vision is suddenly swimming out of focus and blurry.

“Jae!” 

He hears the sound of his mother’s voice but it’s distant and a little garbled. He feels dazed. There’s a loud ringing in his ears, almost enough to drown everything out.

“You fucking ungrateful bitch! You ruined my plans for this family! And this is how you repay me?!” With great effort, Jae lifts his head off the floor to see what’s happening.

His father is holding his mother by the hair. He has it pulled back so that she’s looking up at him, eyes wide with fear and shining with tears.

Jae fights off the dizziness that floods his head. He swallows the cry of pain that threatens to spill from his lips after he tried to move his arm. 

And he doesn’t see it coming as his father swings a hand to slap his wife on the face hard. His mom lets out a sob as her husband rears his hand back for another. The sound of it jolts Jae awake, alerting his body to fucking get back up and do something. 

As quietly as he can, he staggers to his feet. A huge wave of dizziness threatens to send him back down again but he powers through. Black spots swim in his vision but he ignores it as his gaze stays in one place. 

His good arm grabs for his discarded History book off the floor. It’s not that thick but it’s hardbound so it’ll do. He doesn’t plan to knock his father unconscious, he just wants to create a distraction long enough to get his mom out of this room.

In a strong and wide arc, he slams the spine of the book on his father’s temple with everything he’s got. Surprised, Mr. Park howls in pain before letting go of his wife’s hair. He takes a few steps back, looking wildly for Jae.

In a hurry, he kicks his mom’s chair to wheel it back to the hallway. “Mom, call the cops!”

He grits his teeth as sharp pain shoots up from his left arm at the effort. His father whirls around to see him leaning hard against the wall. Mr. Park looks at the book in his hand in disbelief, momentarily frozen in place. He’s obviously shocked because this is the first time Jae ever fought back. 

“You’re such a motherfucking disgrace!” His father storms towards him. This time, Jae is unable to hold in his tears and cry out of pain as his father grips his broken arm. “Why are you doing this to me, huh? All I ever wanted was the best for you!”

The black spots dancing in his vision return at full force, growing bigger and making things more out of focus. His father has an elbow pressing hard against his neck, pinning him to the wall. 

“Don’t look away from me when I’m talking to you!” Mr. Park grabs Jae’s jaw to make their gazes meet, the tips of his fingers painfully digging into Jae’s cheeks. “Answer me!”

 _Fine, if he wants me to look at him…_

In a withering glare, he tries to convey all of the defiance, hatred, and fury he’s ever felt for his father. He feels all those years of pent up resentment make his eyes blaze.

He knows it’s only infuriating his father further but he’s past the point of caring. He genuinely just wants to let his father know how much he despises his entire being. 

“Go to hell.” He manages to say despite the elbow constricting his airways. His voice sounded echoey even to his own ears.

Mr. Park’s anger just flares before he pulls Jae by his bad shoulder and then proceeds to slamming him back against the wall, once then twice. This plus the earlier blow to the head and the sharp, nauseating pain from his shoulder, Jae isn’t faring well. He’s starting to feel his consciousness slipping away.

“Take that back and apologize. Right. Now.” His father demands.

Jae does neither. Instead, he chooses to stay silent as he glares back at him for all he’s worth.

The ringing in his ears are so loud, the black spots in his vision lingering, and it’s getting harder and harder for him to stay focused. And true enough, after his father goes for another pull on his bad arm, either to slam him on the wall again or to throw him to the floor, Jae easily succumbs to darkness.

He blacks out, the sight of his mom, hysterical, as she tries to reach for him with a phone clutched in one hand is the last thing that he sees.

  
  


***

  
  


Brian is finished getting ready for their date. He’s just waiting for Jae’s text now to tell him it’s time to go. But then he’s been waiting for ten minutes now and there's nothing but radio silence from his boyfriend since then. Arguably, ten minutes isn’t enough time to make him worry. But see, the thing is, him and Jae are always on the dot when it comes to their dates. They know that their time to go out is limited and so they make sure not to waste even a single second. 

And another thing, Jae is never late.

Dialing his boyfriend’s number only leaves him to voicemail. He’s sitting on the foot of his bed, one leg bouncing anxiously, as he tries for another call. Still nothing. And so is the next one after that.

He’s really starting to get worried.

In a stroke of desperation, he dials Mrs. Park’s number too. And when she answers on the third ring, all words die in Brian’s throat.

On the other end of the line, he hears screaming and crying. Jae’s mom sounds painfully distraught, pleading to someone else, and calling Jae’s name over and over. And then it’s followed by a man’s voice, deep and haunting, before the line went dead.

Brian’s heart stops beating. It seems that what he’s afraid of has finally happened. Jae’s father must’ve snapped and is now hurting both Jae and his mom. And from the sound of it, he’s gotten worse. 

In an instant, Brian runs out of their house and into his car. He peels out of their driveway and narrowly misses the half brick wall at the end of it. Cold dread and stifling anxiety creep into his chest as he speeds through the short distance between their neighborhoods. His hands are white around the wheels and it’s taking everything in him not to fall apart from fear and worry. 

_Please, Jae, wait for me. I’m almost there, baby. Oh god, please…_

He pushes down the hopeless sob rising in his throat as he enters Jae’s neighborhood. He doesn’t remember much of the ride there, too preoccupied with the thought of Jae hurting and him not being able to prevent it from happening. 

When he finally reaches the front of their house, the afternoon weather mockingly bright and clear, he haphazardly parks his car against the curb, the right front wheel getting onto the sidewalk. He doesn’t seem to notice nor care as he leaves the car running before sprinting through the lawn and barreling past the front door. 

The sound of shouting breaks through the loud beating of his heart. He follows it through the house and it easily takes him to Jae’s bedroom. 

At first, he stands frozen and silent on the doorway. His brain stops functioning for a second as his eyes take in what’s happening all at once. 

Mrs. Park is out of her chair on the floor and Mr. Park is crouched in front of her. The man is trying to drag his wife away from their son by roughly pulling on her hair. They seem to be the ones shouting and fighting but he registers none of the words for he’s too far gone with worry and fear. And when he sees Jae lying unconscious on the corner, he feels many things hit him like a ton of bricks. Panic grips his entire body, his anger boils, and his heart shatters to see his love looking that way. But more than anything, the white, blinding fury trumps everything else. It’s a familiar kind of anger, the same one he felt after Jae told him of his father’s abuse. It roars back to life by tenfold, intense and primal. His vision tunnels and zeroes in on one target. 

His body moves on its own accord. He rushes into the room, using the element of surprise, and traps Jae’s father in a headlock, effectively stopping him from landing another blow to Mrs. Park. He feels shock and confusion run through the old man. And using this to his advantage as well, Brian pulls hard, hauling him away from Jae’s unmoving form and his mother trying to protect and shield him with her body. 

Unfortunately, Mr. Park recovers quickly as he twists violently out of Brian’s grip. Because he’s much bigger and stronger than a seventeen year old, he manages to escape. Brian makes a frustrated cry before his arms give out. The next second, he’s stood face to face with one of the few people he despises the most. 

Breathing hard from anger and adrenaline, Brian sees recognition flash on the older man’s features. He must be remembering the time Brian kissed his son in front of the library at the beginning of the school year. 

“You?” Mr. Park accuses, taking threatening steps closer to Brian. “What _the fuck_ are you doing in my house?”

Brian doesn’t answer. Instead, he throws a worried glance to Mrs. Park trying to shake Jae awake. 

The older man catches his gaze. His eyes flit from Brian, to his son who’s now groaning quietly on the floor, then back to Brian. He seems to put two and two together.

“You did this, didn’t you?” He jabs a bruising finger at Brian’s chest. “Aren’t you a delinquent? A privileged, belligerent little kid? You’re a bad influence to my son! Because of you, he learned to defy me! You made him ungrateful!”

This time, Brian can’t keep quiet. “ _You_ hurt him! You’ve been abusing him for years!”

Mr. Park scoffs. The sound of it boils Brian’s blood. “He won’t amount to anything if it wasn’t for me. I was just teaching him a lesson, he _deserved_ them!”

And that does it. Hearing how this man thought Jae, his sweet, precious, and loving boyfriend, deserved to get beaten up is what undoes the restraint Brian has been trying so hard to hold on to.

His vision darkens and the next thing he knows, he’s punching Jae’s father square on the mouth. The first hit feels _so good_ that he quickly goes in for another. And another. And another one after that. He stops counting after five and just continues to do it, one after the other. His left hand is gripping the front of the man’s shirt as he lets his anger take control of his body. He doesn’t stop to hesitate because the moment that he does, Mr. Park will recover from the shock and retaliate. 

He ignores the pain on his knuckles, delights in the thin trail of blood trickling down from one of the man’s nostrils, and drowns out the rest of the world. 

Jae’s words from before repeat themselves in his head over and over.

_I can’t even tell you how many times I imagined physically hurting my father back…_

“Don’t worry, Jae. I’ll do it for you.” Brian doesn’t even realize he spoke his thoughts out loud. 

_…how much I prayed for him to be gone from our lives._

He doesn’t hear the sound of Mrs. Park calling out his name.

Succumbing to this kind of rage is invigorating. It fills him with sickening satisfaction and relief. He doesn’t even care that the older man is now reaching for his throat, nor that he suffered a strong hit on the side of his jaw. He doesn’t register the pain; he doesn’t feel anything at all aside from the anger.

His frustration at not being able to prevent Jae from hurting has remained deep within him ever since the night he found out about it in Jae’s room. And even though he promised to just be there and let Jae handle things for himself, the feeling remained, ever present, insistent, and waiting for an opportunity. And looking at the dire situation now, Brian sees this for what it is: here’s the chance for him to finally _do something_.

The same words ring in Brian’s ears as he continues to throw punches at Jae’s father, hot fury almost consuming him.

That is, until the sound of Jae’s voice stops him. The real one and not just from his head.

_He’s awake._

“Stop this, Bri…” Jae manages to break through the thick and blazing cloud of fury surrounding his boyfriend.

The weakness and pain evident in his voice just angers Brian even more. 

_You did this to him!_ He throws another punch. It seems the fight has left Jae’s father now, one of his eyes is screwed shut.

“Brian, no! Please, listen to me. The police are on their way. Stop this before they get here. He’s not worth ruining your life for.” Jae’s voice breaks at the end. This time, Brian hesitates. Sensing the change in him, Jae powers through. He speaks louder as he says, “We— We made plans, didn’t we? We’re going to visit Toronto after graduation, take a long drive, just you and me, right?” The roaring of blood in Brian’s ears tames a little as he listens to the sound of Jae’s voice. “This is not worth losing all of that, Bri. Please don’t let this— don’t let _him_ ruin what we have. Please, stop hurting him, for us. For me. I love you, Younghyun.”

The last few words echo loudly in his head, somehow spreading warmth and tenderness throughout his entire body. It’s subtle but his taut muscles start to relax, releasing their hold on the tension that clawed at his heart.

As his thoughts clear and the suffocating anger subsides, Brian steps away from the man almost as if he’s shocked. He’s breathing hard as he stares down at his shaking hands. His knuckles are already throbbing and wet with blood as his mind returns to himself.

Mr. Park unceremoniously slumps onto the floor, furiously wiping at the blood on his nose. He’s no longer looking at Brian but at his son, quietly crying in the corner with his mom.

“You corrupted my son. My perfect Jaehyungah…”

Brian ignores his babbling as he rushes over to Jae’s side. With great effort, he and Mrs. Park help Jae to sit up. It shatters his heart when Jae winces from the pain. The side of his left shoulder is protruding at an angle, his entire arm is unmoving, and his eyes seem to swim out of focus from time to time. His glasses are somewhere lying on the floor.

“You’re okay, Jae. You’re good.” Brian whispers to him over and over. He wants to hold him close and tuck Jae’s head protectively to his chest but he knows he can’t. 

“Bri…” Jae sniffles, trying to fight through a haze as he focuses on Brian.

 _Shit. A concussion._

“I’m here now, my love. I’m not leaving.”

With his good hand, Jae gingerly wipes a thumb over Brian’s left cheek. 

Brian realizes he’s been crying too. “Jae, oh god, are you—” a sob breaks out of him. Everything is starting to catch up to him now, a delayed reaction from his crippling fear and desperation to get here on time. “I love you, Jae, okay? I love you _so much_.”

“I’m here, Bribri. I’m okay. I’m not going anywhere, see?” The jerk, ever the sweetest, assures Brian first as if he himself isn’t badly beaten up. 

Brian lets out a watery laugh, relieved beyond measure. He sees Mrs. Park on Jae’s other side sporting the same look.

There’s already the distant sound of sirens getting louder by each passing second. And all too soon, the house is swarmed by responding officers and after assessing that there’s no longer a threat, they call in the paramedics to attend to them. 

“No, no, I’m fine.” Brian tries to brush off the woman treating him. “Get Jae. He’s— he’s badly hurt. Please.”

“Yes, I know, son. They’re already checking on him. May I know your name, luv?” Brian has half a mind to notice that she has a subtle accent.

“Brian.”

“Alright, Brian, are you hurting anywhere else?”

He shakes his head.

“Sweetheart, you’re bleeding too.” She dabs something cool on his lower lip that is busted open, apparently.

_Oh? Mr. Park got me good too, huh._

In the midst of all the people coming and going into the room, officers and medics alike, Brian’s gaze stays on Jae. He watches as another female medical staff ask him questions, tie a temporary sling on his arm, and direct his eyes to follow the direction of the tiny flashlight. He himself doesn’t relax until they’re already strapping Jae into a stretcher before finally carrying him out of the room.

Almost immediately, he rises to follow them. He ignores the woman treating his wounds. And it’s only when he sees Jae on a gurney, about to be wheeled into the ambulance, and just waiting for a signal, that he also notices Mrs. Park is already outside too. She’s back on her wheelchair; an officer must’ve carried her back into it. There’s no more medic tending to her so Brian realizes with great relief that she isn’t as badly hurt as they are. 

“Ma’am, are you the one who called this in? Are you alright to give an initial statement, starting with your name?”

Mrs. Park gives a firm, resolute nod. “My name is Jen Park.” With a steady voice, she recounts what happened.

The last thing Brian hears of the conversation is of Jae’s mom telling the officer how her husband slammed Jae against the wall, how he was always the abusive kind whenever he got angry. 

“Brian?”

The sound of Jae’s voice searching for him drowns out everything else. 

“I’m here, baby.” He rushes back to Jae’s side, hands clutching his boyfriend’s.

“You’re bleeding…”

“This is nothing. You should see the other guy.”

Jae lets out a chuckle which quickly ends into a groan. “Ow. Don’t make me laugh.”

“I’m sorry.”

They gaze into each other’s eyes for a bit. So much is happening around them but at that moment, Brian sees no one else but him.

Jae’s fingers ghost over his swollen knuckles. “Don’t be so stubborn and get treated too, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Now can you stay still?” The medic reaches back to him, giving the two of them a fond and motherly look. “I’m trying to treat your lip so it won’t— stop smiling, luv!”

Jae laughs at him again for getting scolded. “Meet you at the hospital?”

Brian’s heart breaks at the hopefulness in Jae’s gaze. 

He knows he’s not going with them to the hospital. One of the officers who came here is also the one who took Stella’s statement after the incident nearly six months ago. If this guy is any good at his job, then he knows that Brian is still on juvenile probation. And that getting into situations like this is surely in violation of it. 

“I will, babe.” He lies. “I’ll be there.”

Jae must have been feeling a little dazed still so he doesn’t notice it. Brian’s heart aches even more. 

One of the medical staff approaches them. “Alright, hun, time to go.” 

They let each other’s hands go as Jae is finally being wheeled into the ambulance. Brian hands Jae’s glasses to Mrs. Park before the same medic carries her into the back of the bus with Jae and folds the wheelchair beside her. 

Just then, a commotion from one of the onlookers interrupts them. One woman from the right side of the house is arguing with a police officer. She’s trying to get into the perimeter of the front lawn. 

“Ma’am, no onlookers are allowed past this line.”

“And I’m telling you, I know them so please—” she cuts herself off. “Oh dear god, is that _Jae_? Will somebody please tell me what the hell happened?! Jen! Where’s Jen?”

Brian watches as Mrs. Park quickly signals for the officer to let the woman through. 

“Jen, what is this? One second I was on the way home, and the next I see all these police cars and a fucking ambulance in front of your house!”

“I’ll explain on the way, Sarah.” Oh, so that’s who she is. Mrs. Park’s next door neighbor and best friend. “Will you come with us to the hospital?”

Sarah reaches out to give Mrs. Park’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “Of course I will.” 

It’s subtle but Brian doesn’t miss the significant look that passed between them. It’s too soft and tender to miss. He tries to see if Jae noticed but the one medic riding with them at the back is asking questions about how he’s feeling.

After Sarah gets into the back of the ambulance with them, Mrs. Park turns her gaze to Brian.

“You’ve been very brave, sweetheart. I’ll make sure that _they_ know what you did for us today.” 

Brian catches exactly what she means. They, as in the police officers in which two of them are now approaching him with unreadable expressions. He wants to be reassured by her words but right now, he’s just too exhausted to even consider hoping that he won’t get in trouble.

As the engine of the ambulance rumbles to life, he’s suddenly hit with loneliness and defeat. He doesn’t want the sight of him crying again to be the last thing Jae sees before they take him away. And so, with a quick wave of goodbye, he turns away to finally face the officers waiting for him.

They tell him that they’re going to escort him to the local precinct. They don’t look friendly nor scary. They don’t look like anything, completely hard to read and expressionless. One officer, who introduced himself as Officer Dennings, places a hand on his shoulder as he leads him to the police cars lining the road.

For one terrifying second, Brian thinks they’re going to put him into the same car where Mr. Park is with his hands cuffed behind his back. But to his absolute relief, they steer him away from it until they reach a separate patrol car. 

Brian will surely remember the way Jae’s father looked, shoulders slumped, a square gauze on his eyebrow, and smeared, dried blood on his chin. His eyes were empty, unseeing, as he waited for the other police officers to get in the car with him.

Brian expects to feel satisfaction for Jae’s sake, or maybe even dread now that he’s being escorted back to the police station, the place that’s the subject of his darkest thoughts. But as he’s sitting there at the backseat of a patrol car, he feels neither. Instead, he’s riddled with regret. He should be at Jae’s side right now. He needs to see for himself that Jae will be okay. He will never forget the way his entire world tilted on its axis after seeing him unconscious earlier. 

“Son? Ready to go?” Officer Dennings asks him as soon as the engine starts. 

Brian glances between him and his partner behind the wheel, Officer Miller. The latter is the one Brian is vaguely familiar with, the one who interviewed Stella six months ago. And right now, the man is looking straight at the windshield, quiet and unmoving as his partner waits for Brian’s reply.

 _Oh, so is Dennings supposed to be the Good Cop in this partnership then?_

“Ready, Officer.” Brian gives him a resigned nod before staring out at the window.

  
  


Once they arrive at the precinct, Brian quickly stills his nerves as they lead him inside the building, past the front desk, into a set of elevators, and finally on the bullpen bustling with officers and police staff alike. The sight of the holding cell almost makes his heart stop. Dread and cold sweat run down his spine and his past experience with it flashes before his eyes in lightning speed. 

But when he’s so sure that he’d get tossed right back in, they steer him towards another flight of stairs off to the side of the break room. The sense of relief that passes over him is unparalleled. For a second, he didn’t even care where they were taking him, he’s just glad that it’s not _there_.

He’s only been to this place once but it’s more than enough for him to remember every significant detail. After all, staring at its walls was all he did during those three horrible days he spent here.

Finally, they sit him on a chair beside one of the many desks in the room. He hasn’t been on this floor before. It’s less busy than the one downstairs as this looks more like an office. There are a few smaller rooms partitioned strategically, probably dedicated for higher ups. Some desks on the main space have wheeled-in white boards beside them, some blank and some with gruesome crime scene pictures. There are less civilians coming and going and less officers responding to a call and running in and out. Here, there are more people in suits carrying a briefcase, and sharply dressed ones talking to them with a badge hanging around their necks or on their belts—lawyers and detectives.

Brian is suddenly confused why he’s here and not sitting with the criminals downstairs, alleged or otherwise.

Officers Dennings and Miller leave after introducing him to the lady behind the desk, with Officer Miller surprising him as he gives Brian an ice pack. “For your knuckles, kid,” he says with a parting smile of approval. It’s only when they’re gone that Brian realizes they never cuffed him. 

“Do you need anything, Brian?” The lady asks him, demanding his attention for the first time in lieu of a greeting. “I can get water, coffee, or soft drinks from the vending machines.”

Brian merely shakes his head.

Some woman named Sergeant Sanchez sits on the other side of the desk. She exudes authority not only from the way her desk is separate from the others and bigger, but also in how she holds herself—all business and no nonsense. Brian is assigned to her care, a kind yet strict-looking Asian-American. Maybe she’s handling him as some sort of a small mercy from these people, as if sharing similar Asian heritage makes this entire ordeal seem somewhat less daunting for Brian.

See, now that just makes him apprehensive.

Maybe they didn’t send him to the holding cell because his fate is already sealed, that it’s an unnecessary buffer, and that he’ll be sent straight to juvie after just a quick paperwork. Or maybe it’s prison for him now since he is almost eighteen anyway. The same dread and fear threaten to creep back up his chest but before he lets them swallow him whole, he reminds himself that deep down, he expected this to happen, as pessimistic as that sounds. Maybe he _is_ the hopeless troublemaker everyone claims him to be. 

After the first few words shared between the two of them, more like the sergeant trying to engage him in a conversation but Brian hardly said a word in return, he’s finally left alone to his thoughts as she resumes reading a case file or going through some paperwork or whatever. For a long while, he succumbs to the emptiness, welcoming his jaded thoughts with open arms. 

The ice has long melted and the pack sits dripping on one corner of the desk. He stares blankly at each drop wondering if those represent his absent tears. Should he be crying right now? 

The answer is yes, he figures. His boyfriend is in the hospital and he’s stuck here waiting for them to lock him away. But then his eyes remain empty and dry. He’s left wondering why he doesn’t feel anything. After the onslaught of powerful emotions from earlier—stifling worry, rage, and relief—he questions why he’s suddenly so indifferent, resigned, and numb. 

Two weeks. He only has two weeks left and yet he still ended up here, lonely and terrified. He vowed to himself he’d never return, and yet look at what happened. He’s back to square one except this time, there’s no more second chances. 

It’s so unfair. He wishes things turned out differently, that Jae’s father acted like a good father, or that his own dad cared enough to actually be here. 

He knows they called him, even before they left Jae’s house, he heard Officer Dennings talk to his father on the phone. After all, he’s still a minor so that’s part of the procedure. 

One glance at the wall clock lets him know that it’s been close to two hours since they arrived. His dad has work today but even with heavy traffic, the drive from his office to this precinct is forty-five minutes at most. 

Brian gets the message loud and clear. Guess he’ll have to face all of this by himself. He’s on his own. Again. 

God, how pathetic and pitiful he is.

And the only person he wants to be with him right now, hold his hand and whisper words of comfort to him, is in the hospital. 

He wonders what Jae must be doing. Is he still in the emergency room? Or have they already transferred him into a private one? 

Will he be allowed to visit him? 

A sliver of regret sneaks its way into the emptiness of his heart. He should’ve kissed Jae more when he had the chance, should’ve told him how much he means to him, how much he loves him. 

Who knows, maybe Jae will visit him soon. Brian hopes so. 

The sound of someone clearing their throat breaks Brian’s reverie. 

“I’ve just been informed that your juvenile probation officer has been contacted and is on her way here now.” Sergeant Sanchez shares to him after putting down the telephone. Brian didn’t even realize she was on a call. Her gaze softens as she meets his blank stare. “Just wait for a few more, okay?”

He wants to ask what exactly he’s waiting for but his brain fails him from forming the words. He’s exhausted and he just wants this to be over. He no longer cares where he ends up in: juvie or prison. 

He’s lying, of course. He’s so goddamn terrified that if he lets it show, he’ll finally break into sobs and pointlessly look for his father like a kid lost in the mall. No, he _won’t_ break. If Jae thinks he’s brave, then maybe he should act like it.

These people aren’t exactly the talkative kind so they won’t tell him anything unless he asks. But instead of inquiring what will happen to him now, he just gives her a nod. He doesn’t see the point, knowing won’t change things anyway. 

Brian also wants to know where they took Jae’s father because one glimpse at the holding cell let him know that he’s not there. But then again, he’s too afraid to open his mouth and say the wrong thing.

And so he goes back to what he’s doing, he stares at nothing and waits for nothing. 

At one point, he does take the sergeant up on her offer and asks for a bottle of water. He empties it in a few gulps, not realizing how thirsty he’s gotten. Or maybe that’s just his rattled nerves. 

Absently, he plays with the plastic bottle in his hands, leaving tiny dents here and there and squeezing the length of it. But then he realizes the noise it makes must be bothering these detectives so he places it beside the soggy ice pack. He doesn’t want to end up getting into _more_ trouble. 

So when Sergeant Sanchez speaks up again, he flinches a little at the sound of her voice. “Brian,” she starts gently, “they’re here, come on.”

A new wave of fear seizes his chest as the sergeant leads him away from the desk. In one arm, she’s holding a thin manila folder, one that was handed to her during the couple of hours Brian mentally blacked out. 

Is this it? Is she going to read him that he violated his probation or whatever? Is he being locked away now?

She directs him to one of the smaller rooms, one with words Briefing Room 2 written on the window by the door. But when they step inside, Brian halts in his tracks.

His juvenile probation officer is sitting on one of the chairs. And to her left are Brian’s father and stepmother, Stella Meede.

“What are you doing here?” He can’t help the anger from affecting his tone.

Stella shoots him a warning look. But it’s his father who answers him.

“Brian, Stella is here to rescind her statement regarding what _really_ happened the day of her accident.” Mr. Kang finishes with a pointed look. 

“What do you mean?”

His juvenile probation officer, Ms. Parekh interrupts before he gets an answer. “Why don’t we all sit so we can properly discuss this, hm?”

Brian’s always been scared of her. For the past six months, she has held power over what happens to him. He knows that principal Scott submits monthly reports to her about how he’s doing in school and in community service. And he also knows that their principal isn’t exactly a big fan of his, the man did threaten to write a fake school violation into his reports that one time. 

And from what he’s learned in the seminars and group therapies he was required to attend for kids like him at the start of his probation, he was supposed to expect her constant presence. So when he received nothing but weekly calls from her checking in, he got increasingly worried. It’s hard to read what the other person thinks of you when you only talk for a couple of minutes and nothing more.

Swallowing his anger, Brian takes a seat beside Ms. Parekh, and with Sergeant Sanchez taking the last available one.

Once they’re all seated around the table, the sergeant hands the folder to Brian’s probation officer. It’s about the complaint Stella filed after her accident happened nearly six months ago.

Ms. Parekh gently steeples her fingers on top of the file before getting right down to business. “So, earlier this afternoon, while I was having a lovely brunch with my family, I got a call telling me that one of my kids got involved in an… unfortunate situation.” 

Kids, that’s what she always calls all of the minors on probation that she handles. Brian also notes the careful way she described the incident in Jae’s house. 

An ‘unfortunate situation’, she’s not immediately calling it an act of violation on Brian’s part even though everyone in the room knows that’s what it is. He broke one of the major stipulations in his juvenile probation, he physically assaulted someone, clear as day. Mr. Park’s broken nose and bruised face are hard evidence of that. 

Why she’s still dancing around it, using euphemisms and all that, is beyond him. She’s usually such a direct and technical person. He doesn’t know what to make of it, his juvenile probation officer really is hard to read. 

“Of course, I tried to get here as soon as I could because I didn’t want Brian to spend too long in a place like this. But then, coincidentally, Mr. and Mrs. Kang here—”

“I go by Ms. Meede now, if you will.” Stella is quick to correct her.

Brian’s heart thuds loudly in his chest. _What the hell is going on?_

“Of course. Apologies, Ms. Meede.” She gives her a polite nod before continuing, “As I was saying, about thirty minutes after I got the call from Officer Dennings, it’s Mr. Kang who then contacted me asking if we could talk _before_ I came to the precinct to find out exactly what happened. He insisted that it’s imperative to your case that I hear out what he’s going to say first. So of course, I was intrigued and decided to meet up with him. Besides, I wasn’t exactly eager to get here and deal with what I thought was Brian’s violation. I guess you could say that I hoped it wasn’t true.”

Brian can feel the weight of his father’s eyes on him. His gaze remains on Ms. Parekh as she keeps talking, it’s a good excuse for him not to meet his father’s stare right away. He’s still hurt that it took his dad so long to be here with him. 

Ms. Parekh then places a hand on Brian’s shoulder as she gives him a warm look. Brian does his best to quell the rising hope in his chest. She wouldn’t act so kind and gentle to him if she’s just going to lock him away afterwards, would she? “I kept my distance from you the past six months because I know that I can trust you. When you were first assigned to me, I easily realized that you’re different from the ones I often handle. A spotless record, athletic, and not bad with grades either, I had high hopes for you. You just made a single mistake. I figured you won’t always need me around to keep you in check. And then I find out that I’m wrong for thinking that way.”

Brian feels like he just got slapped. See, even though he tried not to hope that maybe he hasn’t gotten into as bad a trouble as he thought he has, the feeling still remained. And now Ms. Parekh is here to wring his heart high and dry and basically say that, “yes, Brian. You’re old enough to go to prison.”

Instantly hopeless, he quickly looks to his father for help. In a second, he forgets the betrayal and anger he feels in favor of looking for some small bit of comfort in his dad’s eyes.

Across the table, his dad quickly reaches a hand to grasp both of his. Something in Brian crumbles at the gesture and he finds himself holding onto his dad in a tight grip. 

Ms. Parekh must’ve sensed the wave of fear that flooded Brian’s entire being as she rushes to clarify. “Son, I was wrong because it seems that you didn’t make a mistake _at all_.”

“What do you mean?” Brian basically pleads. He can’t handle the suspense anymore. He just wants to know what’s going to happen to him now.

It’s his dad who tells him, “You’re no longer on probation, Brian.”

Ms. Parekh interjects. “Hold on, I still need to have a judge sign the papers, but yes, essentially you are. Ms. Meede apparently needed to talk to me because she has decided to drop the charges against you. When I met up with Mr. Kang earlier, I was surprised to see that Ms. Meede was there with him. I’m not going to lie, at first I was suspicious at how convenient it is that she’s telling me this right after you got involved in a particular domestic abuse emergency. But then Ms. Meede explained to me the entire situation and I easily came to understand.”

Brian is more than a little taken aback when Stella begins to address him. He feels his anger start to spike again but his dad’s hand tightening on his keeps him in check.

“Brian, I know we don’t see each other eye-to-eye,” This is probably the first time she ever spoke to him in a gentle tone. Once again, Brian doesn’t know what to make of everything. “And I know that I haven’t been kind to you the way a stepmother would, but I truly am sorry that you had to go through all of this because of me. After careful consideration, I realize that you’ve already been through enough even without this entire ordeal.”

Quickly, Brian whips his gaze back to Ms. Parekh, looking for confirmation. The hope in him unwittingly flares back to life. Is he hearing this right? Could he… possibly be off the hook?

True enough, she offers him a genuine smile. “The charges are dropped against you. As of today, and from here on out, you are under no more obligation to abide by the terms of your juvenile probation.” 

“But,” Brian scrambles to make sense of it, “but what about when I lost it today and badly hurt—” 

Ms. Parekh quickly cuts him off. “According to Mrs. Jen Park’s witness statement, you merely prevented her husband from inflicting further injury to her and her son. From what I understand, you had _no_ choice but to defend yourself while protecting them.” She accentuates the last part while giving him a significant look. “Let’s just leave it at that, shall we?”

The two women of authority in the room look at him, expectant to catch the meaning behind the words. He feels his heart thud loudly in his chest. _They’re giving me an out._

 _‘You’ve been very brave, sweetheart. I’ll make sure that_ they _know what you did for us today.’_ Brian recalls what Mrs. Park promised to him earlier. So this is what she meant, she tweaked the story of what happened, possibly excluding the part Brian lost control, and instead, made it seem that he saved her and Jae from the harsh hands of her husband. She made him a good fucking samaritan in the eyes of the law. 

He suddenly gets the urge to give her a big, long hug as soon as he can.

Sergeant Sanchez surprises Brian as she speaks up for the first time ever since they sat in the briefing room. Among all the things that happened, he almost forgets she’s here. “You know, Brian, we’re so used to seeing kids with promising futures end up on the wrong path. So, whenever we come across one that seems to actually care about what happens to him, that he just made a mistake that’s not enough to ruin his chance of a good life, or that maybe he’s just misunderstood. But for whatever viable reason, we do everything we can to help them.”

With a thoughtful tilt of her head, Ms. Parekh adds, “We usually tend to be lenient on special cases like this. You’re still just a kid. You committed a bad mistake but that doesn’t make you a bad person. You have no idea how nice it feels to sign off on papers that state the terms of probation have been fulfilled to its fruition. It doesn’t happen as often as I like.”

“You mean, I’m…”

“Yes, son.” It’s his father who confirms it to him for the last time. “You did it. You saved Jae. And you’re not on probation anymore. You did _good_ , Brian. I’m so proud of you.”

Brian doesn’t even register the wetness in his dad’s eyes. Nor that it mirrors his own.

“Dad,” his voice is barely above a whisper. “I want to go home.”

Now that relief has flooded his entire being, he feels weakened by the sheer force of it and all he wants is to get away from this place as soon and as far as possible. All of his defenses have been stripped away and he feels way out of his element. It’s like he’s back as his younger self again, seeking nothing but comfort and reassurance from his father. 

“We will.” Mr. Kang chances a glance to the sergeant just to make sure. “Right?”

To Brian’s utmost relief, she nods. “Just a few more paperwork and then I’ll let you go.”

  
  


About a couple more hours later, Brian is once again being led down the busy halls of the precinct. Only this time, he’s following his father. The sergeant offered to walk them back to their car but to Brian’s relief, his father declined. He honestly thinks his nerves can’t handle being around cops any second longer, even if they are nice and genuinely rooting for him. He just wants to get out of there now and pretend he can forget everything that happened, as if being back here hasn’t been giving him terrible flashbacks of those three nightmarish days of his life. 

Stella was asked to stay for a short while longer to finalize retracting her statement from almost six months ago. She made Brian and his father leave her as she was getting debriefed by the sergeant, saying that she can just get a car service to drive her home. Ms. Parekh was the first to leave as soon as they got out of the briefing room, telling them to expect a call from her the next few days after she finally gets a judge to sign Brian’s juvenile probation release papers.

Brian doesn’t even get a moment to celebrate anything as all he can think of is to _get the fuck out of there_ now that he’s off the hook. 

But as they pass a relatively quiet hallway in the precinct, Brian surprises the both of them as he grabs his father’s wrist to stop them in their tracks.

“Did you do this?” He demands in a quiet tone. “Did you get her to drop the charges?”

Something in his father’s face lets loose. Reaching a hand to enclose around Brian’s, he tells him, “Son, _of course_ I did.” Against his wishes, Brian’s heart doubles in size. “The moment I got the call from that officer, I left the office and went straight to beg Stella to drop the charges. I just— I couldn’t do nothing still, the same way I regret not doing anything for you the first time you were falsely accused.”

 _Oh god, don’t cry._ He’s been waiting so long for his father to say that, to prove that he finally _listened_ to his words.

“How did you get her to do it?”

“A huge amount of monetary compensation once the divorce is finalized.” Mr. Kang lets out a humorless chuckle.

 _Divorce…_ Brian isn’t sure how much more new information he can take in all at once. _Move on, deal with it later. There are still more pressing matters at hand._

“Then how did you know that I really didn’t do anything to her? That I never really hurt her?”

Mr. Kang gives his son a rueful smile. “To be honest with you, at first I really thought you did it as some sort of way to get back at me for remarrying. But then, after that day I had Lily’s library cleaned out and repurposed, the pain I saw in your eyes made me realize how much you’ve been hurting this whole time. And that I did that to you without knowing.” He breaks away from Brian’s gaze for a second, looking down at their hands before meeting his eyes again. This time, he’s sporting a deeply regretful look. “Everything clicked to me then when you walked away from me to hide your tears in your room. You hated what I did and yet you didn’t try to hurt me back. That’s when I knew, my son has never hurt anyone in his life. I should’ve listened to you from the start, I’m really sorry.”

“Why didn’t you?” Brian’s voice sounds so fragile, his tone pleading. “I tried _so hard_ to get you to believe me back then.”

“I’m not trying to make excuses, I know now how much I haven’t been myself. It’s just… after Lily died, I felt lost.” Mr. Kang quickly wipes the wetness from one of his eyes. “She was my world and she took everything with her.”

“See, dad that’s what hurts me the most.” Brian drops their hands. “Where do I fall in your life right now? Am I not a part of your world anymore? When mom died, it’s like I didn’t just lose her. It’s like I lost you too. Right when I needed you most, you became distant. I needed you, dad.” Brian pauses, chest rising and falling as he admits, “I _still_ need you.”

His dad carefully takes a step closer to him, arms outstretched. “I know and I truly am sorry. I need you, too. I miss talking to you and hanging out with you. God, son, I can’t even begin to describe how much I hate myself for letting these things happen to you. I’m here now, okay? I’m not going anywhere. I know it’s hard to forgive what I did but I’m asking you to give me another chance to set things right between us. I love you, Brian.”

Something in Brian crumbles. It’s going to take a lot more than this to forgive his father and they can go back to how they used to be. But he can appreciate this for what it is: a step in the right direction. 

He struggles to come up with a response. This is everything he’s been wishing for his father to say to him over the past couple of years. And now that he’s hearing them, he’s at a complete loss for words.

Fortunately, an officer stepping into the other end of the hallway saves him from speaking. 

“Oh, there you are.” It’s Officer Miller, jogging up the rest of the way to talk to him. “There’s people waiting for you at the front desk.”

_People? Who else knows I’m here?_

“Come on,” the officer prompts, “they’ve been trying to get in a while now but they’re not allowed without adult supervision.”

Warily, Brian and Mr. Kang follow him to the main floor.

  
  


“Brian!”

“Fucking finally—”

“— _ehem_ —”

“—I mean,” Dowoon corrects himself after the lady behind the front desk interjects to point out his rather colorful language. “Thank god you’re finally here.”

At the sight of his friends, Sungjin and Dowoon, Brian wastes no time rushing to them to give them both a big hug.

“What are you doing here?” He asks as soon as he pulls away. 

It’s Sungjin who answers him. “We’ve been at the hospital to check on Jae,” at the mention of his boyfriend, Brian instantly looks worried. 

“Don’t worry, he’s completely fine now.” Dowoon assures him by placing a hand on his shoulder. “He’s resting and the meds made him sleep for a while. Wonpil opted to stay with auntie Park and he’s been texting us updates. When they finally got Jae settled into his own room, we came here as fast as we could.”

“But why? I’m heading back to the hospital too, after I shower and pack an overnight bag from home.”

Sungjin casts a weary glance at the busy officers piling in and out of the doors. “To volunteer and be your character witness of course! We were afraid that you’d wrongfully get in trouble again so we’ve been trying for more than an hour now to get to you but they won’t let us in.”

Brian’s heart swells. These guys really have his heart. How the hell did he get so lucky to have friends like them?

Dowoon adds, “We want them to know that you’d never hurt anyone. And that you’re a perfectly rule-abiding citizen who cares so much for people but has a knack for shameless flirting and public displays of affection with your boyfriend.”

Brian lets out a surprised laugh. His chest feels full to bursting and an ache is threatening in the back of his head. That’s it. He’s reached his limit. He can’t handle anymore unless he plans for his emotions to implode and swallow him whole. There’s so much to take in at once that his brain chooses to just shut down altogether. 

Thankfully, it’s his dad who speaks up on his behalf. “That is really sweet and thoughtful, guys. But luckily, we won’t be needing them tonight. Or any other night for that matter.”

Dowoon perks up. “You mean—”

“Our Brian is no longer in juvenile probation.” Mr. Kang confirms before gesturing to the doors. “Now, why don’t we talk about this more outside so that Brian can get some fresh air? It is getting a little stuffy in here.”

  
  


In the parking lot of the building, Brian wordlessly takes the passenger seat. It’s already dark out, letting him know that he’s been in there, waiting and staring at nothing, for far too long. He still feels incredibly overwhelmed and struggling to comprehend the things that happened. 

He hears his father offer to give his friends a ride home, with them agreeing as they get into the backseat. They ask him how he’s feeling, genuine worry painting their faces, but Brian’s brain is too blank to come up with anything other than “I’m fine. Just tired.”

He doesn’t even remember the entire ride from the precinct to his friend’s neighborhoods, and back to their home. He just checked out and stared at the passing streetlights on the window.

His father nudging him as they park in the driveway is what breaks him out of his stupor. 

“Son, we’re home.” He carefully studies Brian’s face. “Do you want me to pack your overnight bag for the hospital while you take a bath?”

Brian is nodding almost automatically before he even registers what his father said.

“Alright, let’s get you out of this dirty clothes.” Mr. Kang’s hand hovers over the side of Brian’s face. “And maybe get you a fresh bandage for your lip.”

He follows his father into their house, his mind busy replaying back the entire day. This morning, he woke up giddy from what him and Jae did the night before in his room and was excited because they’re supposed to have a date in the afternoon. But then, he’s thrown in for a loop from the spine-chilling worry he got after he heard all the screaming when he called Mrs. Park’s phone, the drive to Jae’s house that took forever, the blinding fury that ran through him, everything blacking out until all he can think of is how that man hurt the love of his life and so he needed to pay. And then there’s the whirlwind of Jae’s voice piercing through him that brought him back to himself. _Don’t let him ruin what we have. I love you, Younghyun._ If he’d let his anger consume him completely, he would have made irreparable damage to Jae’s father and even Stella dropping the charges against him won’t be able to help him get out of trouble then.

But just when he was too sure that he has already ruined their chances, believing that he’s about to be locked away again in that horrible place, his father comes in to tell him that he convinced Stella to drop the charges. Or that Mrs. Park lied to the police to protect him. 

And _then_ , what is it that his dad said? About him and Stella getting a divorce? He recalls the way Stella asked Ms. Parekh to address her by using her maiden name. Or the way she actually apologized to him for once. _I truly am sorry that you had to go through all of this because of me._ She may or may not have done it solely out of the promise of financial gain after the divorce, but Brian would like to think that she’s not exactly the evil villain he’s been painting her to be.

This day has been wringing his mind high and dry. He’s too exhausted. He trails after his father as he goes into his room first to pack his overnight bag for his son. 

But as the saying goes, when it rains, it pours. Because when Brian reaches the second floor landing, he catches a glimpse of the inside of his mom’s old library. His legs take him there. Once inside, he finally sees the changes his dad made to the interior. And almost like it’s flicking on a switch, Brian finally crumbles. The events of the entire day are catching up to him at full speed.

It’s like a dam breaks inside his chest and everything comes pouring out. His eyes well up with tears he thought would never come and tiny sobs are being ripped out of him. Once he starts crying, it genuinely feels like he won’t be able to stop. He’s feeling everything and nothing all at once. The split on his lower lip stings at every sob. And he stares down at his throbbing knuckles, watching as his tears wash away what’s left of the dried blood.

It’s— It’s too much for him to handle. He can’t do this alone. He misses Jae. He needs _someone_. 

“Hey, how many shirts do you need me to—”

His father stops short of the doorway, one of Brian’s old duffel bags for basketball hanging in his left hand. He looks surprised to see his son crying on the floor of his wife’s library. 

Brian has seen the old sketches he drew of his mom’s portrait hanging on the walls, preserved in their own frames. These drawings that used to give him frustration because he believed that they failed to capture his mom’s essence, that the tiny details of her are slowly slipping from his memory. But looking at them on these four walls, they actually complete the entire picture. They remind Brian of how he saw his mom, often smiling with one eye more downturned than the other, and the wrinkles on the corners of her lips more pronounced on the right. Basically, every imperfection was highlighted, making her feel _real_ in these sketches.

And now, even though most of his mom’s old things are no longer here, they’re replaced by mementos from all of their camping trips, trinkets from their out of the country travels displayed on the hanging shelves, and pictures of her and their family immortalizing the happy moments that happened in them. It’s not exactly a room dedicated as a memorial for her the way it’s been all those years ago. It’s something better. It’s no longer stifling to be in here.

This is what his father meant when he wanted to start over. He changed this room not to erase her from their lives, but to help them move forward simply with her in mind. 

“Dad, I’m—” another sob wrecks Brian’s chest. He wants to apologize for the things he said that night they fought but then again, he was still genuinely hurt for being left in the dark about it. 

“Oh, Brian…” his father quickly drops the bag before gathering him in his arms. “I know, son. I know. It’s okay. I’m right here.” 

Brian lets himself be held, to be comforted by one of the last people he expected to get it from. He buries his face in his father’s chest as he lets it out. Lets his mind and body process the delayed reaction from this one hell of a day. 

And all the while, his dad’s grip on him never loosens. He holds his son tight, almost too tight that Brian thinks this embrace isn’t solely just for him. That his dad needed it too.

  
  


Some time later, after Brian has taken a proper shower and changed into a different set of clothes—grey sweatpants and a plain black shirt—he meets his dad on the living room. His overnight bag is fully packed with a couple sets of clothes and pajamas, toothbrush, and his wallet full of cash in case he hates the hospital food. 

“You ready?” His dad asks, getting up from the recliner and turning off the television. His dad was watching a romcom but Brian suspects that he wasn’t paying attention to a second of it.

After they pulled apart earlier and his tears have stopped falling long enough for him to take a breather, his father gently directed him to take a shower before helping him replace the thin strip of bandage on the side of his lower lip. And while he’s getting changed, his dad neatly folded Brian’s shirts and underwear for him. He also gave his son a cup of hot chocolate and a plate of scrambled eggs as soon as he got out of the bathroom. Brian didn’t even realize how hungry he was until he finished everything in a couple of minutes.

“Yeah, I’m ready.” He responds, grabbing his bag by the strap and following his father out the door.

On the drive to the hospital, they don’t talk much. Although his dad’s constant presence and careful attentiveness are a pleasant reminder that maybe he meant what he said. That his dad really is trying again to mend their relationship. It’s a nice thought to have, and maybe he’s not exactly as jaded as he once was because he easily finds himself rooting for the two of them.

After parking, he follows his dad as he navigates the winding hallways of the hospital. He has half a mind to notice that his dad didn’t stop to ask the in-patient desk for Jae’s room. It’s almost midnight and yet this place always seems busy. The stark white lights are constant throughout the entire building but the decorations on the walls differ in every ward. Brian vaguely notes the ones they pass by: colorful patterns for the pediatric ward, a thick strip of rich cream lines on the long hallway of cardiology, and gradients of pastel green on the oncology. There’s even a small chapel off to the side of the nurses’ station opposite the elevators as they get off on the third floor. 

They take a right turn on the mini lobby, several sconces providing some soft warm light. There are a handful of large framed portraits of nature sights and locations, and a long, plushed seating area lining the side wall with health magazines neatly tucked on the tables at both ends. Above the mouth of the hallway that his father leads them in, the words ‘Orthopaedics Department’ are displayed in decal over a thin overarching layer of glass. 

This time, Brian actively reads each room number with their designated name plates by the doors until they stop at one that only shows his boyfriend’s name and no one else’s, _Jaehyung Park_. It’s a solo private room.

He watches as his father politely knocks a few times before opening the door. 

The sight of Mrs. Park’s warm smile greeting them floods Brian with an insurmountable amount of relief. Back in the precinct, when he was thinking about Jae and his mom, he tried to calm his worries by reminding himself that at least she’s not as badly hurt as he initially thought she was. But still, he needed to see it for himself. 

“Oh, Brian, sweetheart,” she opens her arms wide for him, her face softening as he rushes over to her for a hug, dropping his bag on the floor as he goes. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me too, auntie.” Brian whispers back, holding her tightly against his chest. “Thank you,” he swallows the utmost appreciation that threatens to spill to the surface, “for telling them that I saved you and Jae.”

“Of course.” Her hands around his torso tightens. “That is _exactly_ what happened.” She pulls back to give him a meaningful look. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

Brian gives her a watery smile as he steps back from the embrace. But then, he’s mildly surprised as Mrs. Park thanks his father next.

“How can I ever repay you, Mr. Kang?” She asks, grabbing one of his dad’s hands. 

Brian observes as his father covers the back of hers with the other. 

“There’s no need, Jen. It’s the least I could do for Jae. I want him to get the best treatment and accommodations.” He pauses, giving her a friendly smile. “And please, call me Ray.”

“Alright then. Again, thank you for setting all of this up, Ray.” Mrs. Park gives his hand a final squeeze before letting go.

Brian studies his father closely as he faces Jae’s mom with a warm smile of his own.

That’s when it clicks. The reason why his dad knew about Jae’s room already, and why Mrs. Park kept thanking him profusely: he’s shouldering the hospital bills. 

Brian’s heart swells at the realization. He meets his father’s gaze before mouthing the words _‘thank you’_ with all the sincerity he can muster. 

His dad gives him a small smile and a subtle nod before his attention is demanded elsewhere again.

“Brian! Sungjin and Dowoon told me what happened.” Wonpil stands up from the chair beside Jae’s bed to give him a quick hug. “Oh my god, I’m _so_ happy that your probation is finally over!”

Brian chuckles, letting his friend sway them a little during the embrace before pulling away.

“You guys don’t have to wait for me to finish community service after class anymore.”

“Yay! And we can go straight to your house to hang out.” Wonpil lightly gasps as soon as a realization dawns on him. “Or maybe we can hang at Jae’s house now that Mr. Park’s not there to—” he cuts himself off, casting a sheepish glance to Mrs. Park. “Sorry, auntie. Too soon?”

She assures him with a warm smile. “Jae’s friends are always welcome in our home.”

“So then yay! We’ll invite ourselves to have sleepovers every week.”

Brian chuckles at his friend. “Are you staying the night too?”

“Sadly, no.” Wonpil tells him, suddenly fighting off a yawn. It’s then that Brian notices just how tired he looks too. “I’m just waiting for you to get here so that I can go home too. I’ve been here for almost half a day and I badly need a shower.”

“At this hour? How will you get home?”

Wonpil waves off his worries. “Aunt Sarah’s at a nearby convenience store buying some midnight snacks. She and I will take a cab together when she gets back.”

“Oh, how about I drive you both home?” Brian’s father buts in. 

“Sir, thank you so much, but you just got here and—”

“I just dropped Brian off and came to see how Jae’s doing. I’m about to head home in a few as well.” Mr. Kang still needs to review the paperwork Ms. Parekh handed to him earlier about ending the terms of his son’s probation. He plans to get it done and checked by the family lawyer as soon as he can so that everything is official and looked over before a judge signs them. “I hope you won’t mind that I stop for a drive through first. I’m starving.”

Wonpil easily brightens up. “Oh. Okay then. Thanks, Mr. Kang!” 

Brian fondly shakes his head at his friend.

“What? I’d never say no to a free ride and free food.” Wiser words have never come out of Wonpil’s lips than this, Brian claims. 

After the laughter has died down in the room, Brian finally asks the one thing he’s been thinking of for hours.

“How is he?” His voice is quiet, careful, and a little fragile. His mind flashes him images of Jae lying unconscious on the floor of his bedroom, looking helpless. Brian’s heart clenches painfully. It will take him a really long time to forget that.

Wonpil lays a comforting hand on one of his shoulders. “Jae’s okay, Brian. Ask him again yourself when he wakes up tomorrow.” He jerks his head towards the direction of Jae’s bed, waiting. But when Brian stubbornly doesn’t follow to look, he lets out a sigh before continuing, “A dislocated shoulder, a third grade concussion, two bruised ribs, and a few bruises all over his body. Thankfully, those are all there is and the doctor says he’ll be fine. But they won’t release him in at least a couple of days to make sure.”

Brian averts his eyes. _If only I arrived at Jae’s house sooner…_ he can’t help but to blame himself, back to being the pessimist. 

“Was he ever in pain?”

“Yes.”

Brian whips his head back to meet Wonpil’s gaze.

“He was still such a pain in the ass trying to stop us from worrying over him.” Wonpil clarifies, giggling as he avoids a playful smack on the arm from Brian. “But you know us, we always worry over him.”

Brian smiles sadly, agreeing. “At least we’ll worry a lot less now after this.” 

That’s a lie. Brian will always worry over his boyfriend. He knows more than anyone how strong Jae is, but what can he do? He just can’t help it. 

The knowing look Wonpil throws at him tells Brian that his friend didn’t buy into the lie. 

“Anyways, so,” Wonpil steps away to start grabbing his things. “Sungjin, Dowoon, and I will come visit in the morning. Get some sleep, okay? You need it, Bri.”

Brian merely nods before taking Wonpil’s earlier seat beside Jae’s bed. He wants to lie again and say he doesn’t plan to sleep but his exhausted body isn’t there to support him. He, sure as hell, won’t leave Jae’s side until he’s discharged.

Gingerly taking a seat and trying to get comfortable, he’s mentally and emotionally preparing himself. He’s been avoiding looking at Jae’s direction ever since he got here. But now that he’s sitting so close, he can’t help but to look at his boyfriend from head to toe.

The lower half of his frame is covered by the sheets, hiding some of the bruises from sight. The skin around Jae’s left shoulder is still swelling and a splint or sling is snugly wrapped around the joint to keep it from moving. There is faint bruising around his neck and Brian has to swallow down his anger again at the thought of what caused them. On his boyfriend’s face, there’s a small dark bump of his left eyebrow and a scratch on his puffy cheek. Brian breathes a sigh in relief to see that it’s short and thin enough not to warrant a bandage. Jae doesn’t need any more scars—both literally and figuratively—to remind him of the things his father did. Not that he’d look any less beautiful in Brian’s eyes with or without that scar.

As he lets the peacefulness of Jae’s sleeping face wash over him too, calming the worry and weariness that this day brought to him, Brian finds himself being lulled as well. He falls asleep as soon as his head hits the side of Jae’s bed, his hands holding on to Jae’s way past then.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the next and final chapter, we tie up loose ends, jaebri and friends will finally go on that camping trip together as mentioned in the earlier chapters, and a whole lots more :)  
> Until then, stay safe, healthy, & happy!


End file.
